Dear Readers,
These past few months as editor-in-chief of The Slant have been one of the greatest times of my short life. Over the course of these last four issues I have fallen in love with each and every one of you 22 people who read The Slant. That makes what I am about to do all the more difficult. After extensive thought and discussions with my staff, I have come to the conclusion I'm not cut out for this kind of prominent leadership role. I have a lot of stuff on my plate, and trying to keep Vanderbilt laughing — and perhaps thinking — a bit more than when I arrived has become too great a burden. And so, I must regretfully resign as editor-in-chief of The Slant.
I am so pissed off! My great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather discovers the Western Hemisphere, proves the world is round, busts his ass to convert all the Indians to Christianity, and no one even cares!
People keep coming up to me and saying things like, "Are you that crazy mofo who knifed a Georgia fan the other night?" For the billionth time, yes I am, and I’ve been tremendously disappointed in my classmates’ reactions to the incident. For instance, when the guy was writhing around on the ground screaming something about William T. Sherman, my friend Jake just had to go and call an ambulance. Real mature, Jake; I’m sure the top grad schools are all looking for students who freak out when faced with real world situations.
Vanderbilt’s Department of Evil Medicine has recently undertaken an aggressive publicity campaign for its long-running project of developing a microbe it calls "Face AIDS."
According to project director Dr. Stanley McSinister, the virus should be affecting the Nashville area early next month. The symptoms of Face AIDS, according to McSinister, include coughing, sneezing, congestion, and sore throat. "It’s essentially a common cold," he said while rubbing his hands together and wriggling his pointy moustache, "except that it never goes away! It’s genius!"
Fraternity parties are generally know to be “sketchy” and the Interfraternity Council is well aware of this. Therefore, it is absolutely unfair that anyone should actually have to show up to a fraternity party to get the free beer they're entitled to.
In order to rectify this problem, the IFC, in collaboration with the Office of Greek Life and the Office of Student Conduct, has come up with the Greek Beer Delivery Hotline.
Dear Kayne,
I really had trouble with my econ class so I decided to go to office hours with my professor. He didn't really talk about the class, but he did ask me about what I do ... at nights ... and then something happened that I don't want to talk about. Now I'm getting straight As, but I don't feel good about it. What should I do?
Violated in Vandy-Barnard
Yea, uh-uh ... ya feel this?
I'ma have to go and side with my bro
I ain't gotta problem with exploitin' you, ho
He just tryin' to get his thang on, I figure
Besides, you know I don't answer questions from no gol'digger.
KanYeWest
Reasons To Talk To An Engineering Student
10. You have a question about The Matrix
9. They can level your Night Elf Hunter
8. You need to borrow a screwdriver
7. You younger brother needs someone to take the SAT math test for him
6. You have a math problem only an $800 calculator can solve
5. You need someone to look cooler than by comparison
4. You always wanted someone to make you the hero of a video game
3. Romance
2. You need his/her super-thick glasses to incinerate some squirrels
1. Yep, that's about it
While a second year of sleep in Branscomb, Vandy-Barnard or Kissam looks likely for the Class of 2011, students may be in for a treat underneath their all-too-familiar pillows.
Researchers at East Side State confirmed Friday that they have solved a long-standing rapamatical puzzle, proving that bitches ain’t shit but hos n’ tricks.
After years of speculation, Mr. Rotiki, the personably-giant wooden statue of Varsity Market fame, has announced plans take his comedy to the stage. In a surprise announcement Friday, Rotiki let the proverbial cat out of the bag. “PANINI,” Rotiki said.
Ed Sedgwick, the statue’s self-described manger, elaborated. “He’s tired of being the dancing bear of Branscomb, nailed to the floor for the customer’s amusement and employer’s profit,” he said. Sedgwick, a freshman Lupton resident, sees promise in his client’s ability to deadpan. “When he gave me that ’$24’ line, no change in expression, no sign of sarcasm, nothing… that was the selling point.”
Within hours of being awarded the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize, conservative pundits began complaining that former Vice-President Al Gore was exaggerating his accomplishments. While Gore announced he was "deeply honored to receive the Nobel Peace Prize" he will share with the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change in a statement Friday, FOX News was abuzz with talk of how the Prize is overhyped.
In the wake of tag and dodgeball’s disappearance from playgrounds across the country, foursquare has come under attack. Yesterday, the school board of small town Kitsuck, Mo., announced a blanket ban of the popular schoolyard game and all related paraphernalia.
“This ban isn’t an attempt to curtail bullying or unfairness. In fact, foursquare promotes cooperation and a friendly atmosphere on the blacktop,” said Millard White, Kitsuck’s school board superintendent. Rather, the board views the game as furthering the respective agendas of the square and four lobbies.
Housing Pushes to Further Inconvenience Students
Unsatisfied with progress toward their goal of making ice-axe the fastest way of traversing floors at upper-class residence halls, housing officials have announced they will begin next week replacing elevator push-buttons with 1920s-style switch levers.
Housing Director Evelyn Shandy discussed the decision in an interview: "We understand there is some inherent risk in allowing students to operate these devices manually, such as the possibility of impalement. Hopefully, though, this concern will be irrelevant because aneurisms of frustration will kill most students before they can hurt themselves."
"I'm the most outstanding voting hacker, too."
-Mallory Miciek,
2007 Most Outstanding Senior
What do you think about Kanye West's performance at Commodore Quake?
"I’m glad to see that someone finally broke my record for longest soliloquy."
William Shakespeare,
Bard
"Kanye, you can be my black emo kid tonight"
Kate Moss,
Black
"Personally, I didn't see it. I scalped my floor seat ticket for $70 and bought five copies of Curtis."
Polo Shirt Guy,
Casual Acquaintance
"I, too, get down sometimes. In mines."
Gold Digger,
Confused
"'Drunk and Hot Girls' was painfully long, but, then again, that don't kill me can only make me stronger."
Barry Bonds,
Not Actually At Concert
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk with nails in your feet?!"
Jesus,
Resurrectionist