What is disheveled, stumbles around and indiscriminately desires flesh? Hint: they want you to join their masses. It’s either a zombie or a drunken horny fratstar.

Every Halloween, we zombie hunters are presented with a problem: how can we tell the difference between a drunken Vandy student and a real flesh-eating zombie? Both tend to have their clothing ripped off by the groping fingers of the mindless. Sure, I suppose we COULD ask them, but what if they are dedicated actors or mutated super-zombies? Come on now, let’s be serious here.

In the wake of such inspirational documentaries like Zombieland and Zombie Strippers, we must remain vigilant against the threat of the undead. If in doubt, blow off their heads. Their mouths look bloody and they look ashen? Gone. They stumble around and moan? Kablam! You stumble? BOOM! Let’s get over ourselves—we have a world to save.

However, we also have to show restraint. Just because your friend snobbishly one-ups your own knowledge of zombies doesn’t give you a legally-authorized reason to shoot them. In fact, none of the reasons I present are exactly legal. Don’t worry though: the end is going to be tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day. But just like any other apocalyptic prophet, you should trust me: it’s obviously happening soon.

A key element of our protective anti-zombie strategy is that no one dress like the undead this Halloween. First of all, we don’t want any unnecessary deaths. Second, this prevents you from dressing as Edward from Twilight to get laid, which will only work with 13 year-olds. Finally—and this is most important—I want to be the only zombie on campus this year.

That is all. Over and out.