Reports out of Kirkland hall have recently indicated that in order to further increase efficiency and productivity, the Vanderbilt Commodores have been given a new athletic director: Nora Spencer. This decision has been put into place to undo the athletic de-structuring implemented by former Chancellor Gordon Gee in 2003. The former athletic department was terminated to reduce isolation between student-athletes and common folk.
Since the restructuring of varsity athletics to the Office of Student Life which oversees all student organizations, the Vanderbilt Commodores have experienced an inordinate amount of unforeseen success such as a national title in women’s bowling, two number-one Major League Baseball draft picks, two NCAA men’s basketball sweet sixteen births, a victory in the 2008 Music City Bowl and a doctorate dissertation in quantum physics written by former cornerback D.J. Moore published in numerous scientific journals.
However, current athletic forays have failed to live up to such recently fabricated high expectations. The first team to undergo this scrutiny has been the men’s varsity football team. New athletic, women’s center and LBQTGI Friday’s director Nora Spencer was quoted, “I have received many messages from students concerning the state of the football team. Most were not so coherent and exhibited the grammar structures of a drunken illiterate, but from what I could gather, plenty of students who ‘have played the fuck out of NCAA 2010’ could ‘call better plays than Bobby Johnson.’ Under my jurisdiction, these messages will be but of the past.”
When asked about the decision, Chancellor Zeppos noted, “All of the athletic teams have simply become massive pussies, especially the women’s teams. The men? Oh, don’t even get me started on the men’s teams. They’ve become so fruity that I bet Adam Lambert or Elton John could hold themselves better in a fist fight. I respect my predecessor’s decision to rid Vanderbilt of the red tape that was the Athletic Department, but I think Nora Spencer will do a great job handling our unfortunately effiminate athletes.”
In addition to mandatory athletic study halls, student-athletes are now expected to attend weekly seminars about the symbology and iconography of the womb in 20th century culture. In addition to video coaches recording practices and games, athletes are expected to meet with a therapist in the Psychological Counseling Center to make sure that one’s anger is being expressed positively in competitions. One anonymous therapist said, “We have to be sure that these athletes aren’t expressing negative feelings by making poor decisions. It’s very tough being the spotlight of the entire student body, especially when that student body is quite intoxicated and belligerent. Let’s not forget to mention the fact that the entire city of Nashville is also quite prone to berate our student-athletes.”
To combat the problem of poor nutrition, the athletes’ meal plan has been modified to include complimentary meals at Grins and Freshens at any time of the day. Revered Vanderbilt dropout Earl Bennett was asked to comment on the future of his team, “Well, back when I was at Vanderbilt, I would have loved getting a nice tofu panini every once in a while. Jay [Cutler] could eat, like, five of those things at once. Fucking nuts, man.”
In an interview with ESPN’s baseball reporter Buster Olney, Tampa Bay Rays pitcher and former Commodore David Price said, “Playing for Vanderbilt was the best time of my life. Well, that is until I got drafted number one, pitched in old Yankee Stadium and then in the World Series, but the one thing that I regret most about my time at Vanderbilt was that I never knew much about the women’s center.”
The most radical change brought to Vanderbilt athletics was the rechristening of Cole and McGill halls to accommodate a larger percentage of varsity athletes. Some call the decision to allow male athletes to live in Cole “an abomination,” but Mrs. Spencer insists, “Men must learn to appreciate the presence of a woman. If we can have our athletes be more in touch with their feminine sides, they will be more able to maintain their composure on the playing fields. As for McGill, we want to have our athletes mental horizons broadened.” One anonymous undergraduate student commented, “As a gay man living in McGill, I am looking forward to being in the same dorm as many football players. I hope they’ll let me get in the huddle or catch a few passes. My last boyfriend was really into football, and he loved it when I called him Mike Ditka. My favorite play has to be the naked bootleg, or perhaps a four wide receiver set shotgun play-action waggle. If I played football, I’d be a strong safety. Nothing’s more exciting than being able to tackle a man and have the chance to intercept a few balls. I hope they won’t mind that I haven’t been shaving. I mean, it is November. Needless to say, I’m totally verklempt. “
Not all McGillites have been pleased with the decision. One frequenter of the Vanderbilt Tabletop gatherings said, “Shirtless Tuesdays just isn’t fair when you’ve got people who actually work out doing it too. Come on.” The experience has proved unexpectedly pleasant for some of the athletes. Quarterback Larry Smith was quoted, “I never would have imagined Dungeons and Dragons being so enthralling. Being a NCAA Division-I quarterback is cool and all, but you haven’t lived until you’ve fended off ferocious malcontent wildebeests as a lowly Bard armed only with a level 3 lyre of punishing, tattered rags of Azaroth and a pint of grog. I had goose bumps!”
Another athlete took quickly to the emphasis on women’s studies perhaps even more so than previous McGill denizens. “I’ve totally changed my schedule for the spring,” he said, “Instead of taking Economics of Human Resources, I’ve signed up for Feminist Legal Theory 271. Now, when I was young, I used to watch Murphy Brown, and I always used to be enthralled by the arguments in the Supreme Court cases Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey, but now I have a truly deeper understanding for the whisping legal intricacies of playing the gender card.”
Student reaction to the radical change has been rather lackluster, but Nashville-area sportswriters have been having a field day with the news. Sports radio 104.5 The Zone’s George Plaster has been constantly hammering the decision. “This mockery of sport would have never occurred under Woody Widenhofer. If Lane Kiffen [at Tennessee] had this placed upon his plate, he would go senile like Bud Adams at the NFL Draft.” Fellow local broadcaster and former Vanderbilt men’s basketball benchwarmer Willy Daunic noted, “Now, George. Let’s not get too excited. I’m sure Nick Zeppos over there knows what he’s doing.”
Back on campus, one plucky sophomore said, “I don’t really care as long as it doesn’t affect Frats at Bat. That’s athletics, right?” Another undergraduate commented, “Bro, there’s a tailgate. Fuck if I care if we win or lose; we still booze. I’m drunk.”
