Feeling sad? Feeling blue? Here’s some terrible advice for you. (make me a title please)

January 23, 2011 By

It’s that time of year again. Cold weather? Rain? Self-loathing? That’s right; I’m talking about Seasonal Affective Disorder, otherwise known as “SAD” (coincidence? I think not). I know for a fact that I’ve suffered from this ailment for quite some time. While all the other kids were getting ready for the joyous holiday season and new year, I was convinced that I should just drop out of school because I’d never amount to anything. But hey, I’ve proven myself wrong! …or have I? *sigh*. It may be hard to convince yourself to get out of bed every morning for the next few months, but come spring, things will cheer up. In the meantime, here are a few things to avoid while in your depressive state:

Sex
Now, I know you’re thinking this will suddenly make everything better, but rollin’ in the sheets is a double-edged sword during these gloomy days.  Dirty talk suddenly leaves the realm of sexy and the passionately exclaimed, “Fuck me!” becomes the bitterly mumbled, “Ah, fuck me. I hate my life.” Then you might cry and, well, there’s something about crying that usually ruins the mood. Go figure.
LSD
Okay, let’s be clear, I don’t necessarily condone dropping acid, but if you’re going to do so, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT do so while you are depressed. Apparently, kids like to experiment with drugs in college (What? I know, so random right?), so yes, this is relevant. One common side effect of LSD is sensory confusion. This includes hearing colors. Now, while that may seem really amazing at first, please keep in mind that when you’re sad everything seems black and gray and those colors yell horrible things like, “Yes, you do look fat today!” and, “The Spice Girls are never getting back together!” Guaranteed worst trip ever.

Too Many People
When you’re feeling sad and alone, your first instinct may be to surround yourself with as many companions as possible. Use acute discretion when deciding whom to hang with. Now is not the time to go eat with the airhead down the hall who you promised to “totes” go have lunch with. Or remember that guy who you high-fived ONCE when he delivered that well-timed Helen Keller joke? The one that thinks you all are best friends? Don’t go there.

Here are also a few tips and tricks to help instantly cheer you up:

Comfort Food
This is pretty much the only time of year you can eat copious amounts of food and not be judged, because no one will notice those extra five lbs when you’re bundled underneath that Bill Cosby sweater.  Don’t let all you can eat weekend brunch go to waste! Remember how you always wanted to get in touch with your Italian roots? Ciao! Bagel Bites! Bellissimo! Crumbs will be your new favorite accessories.

Baby animals
I mean, duh. Who doesn’t love playing with puppies? How could you not be happy buried in a pile of kittens? You’re thinking about it right now aren’t you?  Not only are they cute and cuddly, but they also attract others, so you are more likely to meet new and interesting people! Plus, they’ll love you unconditionally, which is more than you can say for your friends, “significant” other, and parents.

YouTube It Up
While there are a lot of really crappy videos on the internet, there are also goldmines. Some of my throwback favorites include, but are not limited to, “Can’t Tell Me Nothing with Zach Galifianakis,” remixed kitchen appliance infomercials, “I Beweave Hair Salon,” “Scarlet Takes a Tumble,” and basically anything posted by Everything Is Terrible. If you can’t find anything to make you laugh on here, quite frankly I don’t understand why you’re even reading this. I clearly can’t help you. Get out. Now.

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Wacky Weather Threatens Vanderbilt

February 7, 2010 By

Since the start of the semester, Nashville has been ravaged by cold temperatures and unusual amounts of snow.  So far, the weather has been received less warmly than a Holocaust joke at a Bar-mitzvah or than a clown anywhere.

After The Weekend Snowstorm of 2010 (you all know what I am referring to), Nashville and the Vanderbubble woke up to nearly six inches of snow on the ground.  All life in the city of Nashville froze for almost three days straight (no pun intended).  Whether it was the extreme cold or the complete lack of any snow plows whatsoever, everything shut down from Friday to Sunday, including Vanderbilt’s Vandy Van service.  “No Vandy Vans! God, why have you forsaken me?!” a freshman was heard screaming outside the Commons Center.

The lack of Vandy Vans combined with the sissyness of Vanderbilt students caused Greek Row to nearly shut down for the weekend.  One frat-star recounted, “It was like a ghost-town in the Wild West except it was covered in snow and most of the houses were in worse shape.”

There were a few brave souls who managed to venture outside into the Great White Mess.  One student noted that it was “frostier than A.J. Ogilvy’s hair tips” outside.  Snowball fights, snowman building, and failed attempts at sledding could all be seen around campus.  Several groups decided to play games of tackle football in the snow, to which shivering bystanders yelled encouraging cheers such as “Idiots!”, “I hope you get frostbite!”, and “Why am I still standing out here yelling things?”

For some students, it was one of the few times they had ever seen snow.  A Floridian was seen running in circles saying, “Oh my God, snow. Oh my God, snow. Oh my God, snow. Oh my God, snow.”  A New Jerseyan  looked on in disgust.  “I left the North primarily to get away from the snow,” he said. “Well, that and to get away from my parents.”

When the snow started falling in the wee hours of Friday morning, many students had hoped that Vanderbilt would cancel school for the day.  Unfortunately, school continued as planned.  Chancellor Nick Zeppos stated, “Come on people, suck it up.  I went to school in Wisconsin for God’s sake!  This is nothing.  I used to have to walk to class in two feet of snow.  Uphill.  Both ways.  Madison had some weird hills…”

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The Grinch tries to ruin another holiday

February 6, 2010 By

I’m your friendly neighborhood Grinch, and I’d like to retract my previous hate statement that drove my point into the pavement. I was wrong to go against the Christmas season; it’s Valentine’s Day that is the worst, and here is my reason! I shouldn’t have been going after those Whos, instead I should have drowned my sorrows in booze! Oh, excuse me; I got a little sidetracked there while typing here in my chair.
If you think Christmas is really gay, then have you even gone outside your cozy home on Valentine’s Day? Have you ever walked into a human Walgreens after New Year’s? If so, then you may have vomited all over your grizzly beards. Now, unless you like tasting your breakfast a second time, then you’re probably in a rather bad mood. All this about candy hearts and giant fluorescent pink teddy bears when I go to town to purchase my wares. All the red and all the white remind me of that stupid cat and his ridiculous hat! Oh, I can’t wait to tear down those pink posters and shut up all of those loafy love boasters!
Oh, some say it’s “happy holidays” not “merry Christmas.” Bah! It is Valentine’s Day at which I shake my fist! Every kiss begins with Kay? No way! Every kiss begins with alcohol, I say. And don’t believe what that Cindy Lou Who says; I don’t have whiskey breath! Just smell it and guess!
Now, as the only Grinch in this part of town, not having a lady friend really brings me down. But why shove lovey dovey foo foo in all of our faces? Why don’t they put their effort in much better places! Sure, no human female will date me, because I’m green and fuzzy and kind of unshapely, but whenever I turn on the TV and see all these human couples “enjoying themselves,” I bang my noggin on the top of my shelves!
Remember how my heart grew three sizes that day? Well it shrank four sizes that next February! The Grinch knows about separation of church and state, well, the human congress should force people to stay home and masturbate! Can they fund that with stimulus money? Grinches have to pay taxes, and it seems like some would like some government honey! Why, I myself am ready to start working on my disguise. Heed me now, for I am very wise. For Christmas, I dressed up as Santa with his sleigh; for Valentine’s, I’ll jump a flower delivery boy on his way. What color rose would you like, little girl? Blood red?? Whorish white??? Will you be fralumping in your bed on this most arbitrary night?
I’m just sick and tired of being force-fed this pidoodly boodly each year. The couples, not impotence, but the Grinch they will fear! What you don’t know about me is that I read quite a lot in my cave, especially with the internet gizmo my grandmother gave. The Wikipidillidy tells me that St. Valentine wasn’t exactly a well-known dude. Isn’t besmirching his name rather rude? In fact, he could have been multiple Valentinos shepherding all sorts of cupid bambinos. Why, the fourteenth isn’t even an official Catholic holiday! Surely the Pope will enter this fray! It’s just a fabrication promoted at the time by that human writer Geoff Chaucer to one-up some silly pagan Lupercalia festival saucers. The Hallmark Company must make its profits, who doesn’t love a card with Wallace and Gromit? Pajamagrams, pussy whips and obligatory sex? No more of that once I have placed my hex! Whos, Humans and Grinches in spirit, aren’t all of you just freaking sick of it?
When I stole Christmas, it went on without the presents and the decorations and the singing and the food, but I don’t think Valentine’s Day can go on without the turn-a-profit mood. None of the abused boyfriends who just got their hair done will say that Mr. Grinch is really a mean one for liberating them from this horrible, terrible, unbearable fate. Nobody really expects something new on a one hundredth date. Now, my minions, let us rid the world of the red, white and pink! Those three colors together absolutely stink! Now, next month we’ll put up with that St. Patrick’s spam, and I know a certain guy who hates his green eggs and ham!

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Haitians Fake Disaster

January 24, 2010 By

Within the rubble of Port-au-Prince surprising facts about the “earthquake” have slowly emerged that the Haitian government doesn’t want the general public to know. However this reporter has managed to get the inside story on what really happened in Haiti on January 12th, 2010.

“It all started with the Indonesian Tsunami a few years back…. I mean it was so unfair, we had been starving right next to the United States, and then Indonesia had a stupid thunderstorm or something like that, and they got all the food and medical care they could handle,” reported one informant that wished to remain anonymous. Thus the Haitian government began to develop their own plan to get more aid from the developed countries of the world. The plan they developed ended up being quite devious, at first Haiti’s government planned to stage their own Tsunami, but those plans were spoiled when it was revealed that Tsunami’s do not exist in the western hemisphere. Soon another option emerged.

“Finally, we came up with the Earthquake Plan codenamed Operation “Stop Being Poor” It was really quite easy, we just got everyone to knock over their houses and start screaming “Earthquake! AHHH!!!” You’d be amazed how easy it is to knock down your house when it’s made of cardboard, mud, and poor housing standards,” explained the anonymous informant.

Thus far the plan seems to have worked rather well for the Haitian people; they have witnessed a truly unprecedented influx of aid. The developed world has responded with all the aid they can put forth. One U.S. official has explained the strategy thusly, “Really it’s so much easier giving all our aid to Haiti, it’s close, convenient, and everyone is really horrified by this earthquake. In fact we’ve just taken all the other aid and redirected it to Haiti. Who the fuck actually cares about the continent of Africa? We have Haiti to save!” The anonymous informant also confirmed the above influx of aid stating “You know it’s really great, I’ve gone from literal mud cakes to three course meals, plus I get some of the best medicine in the world. I’m thinking of getting some elective plastic surgery tomorrow…. All I got to do is slash my face blame it on the quake and everyone will leap to my aid! This is the best kind of universal health care in the world, the kind paid for by other people!

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Underwear Bomber Causes Increased Security

January 24, 2010 By

This December, one man’s underwear captured the attention of the entire nation.  And it wasn’t George Clooney’s.

On Christmas Day, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Yemen tried to detonate an explosive device that was sewn into his underwear on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit.  “Tried” is the key word in that statement; the device failed to detonate properly and the man only succeeded in setting his pants on fire.  The fire was quickly extinguished and no damage to the plane occurred.

The bomber was quickly restrained and questioned of his motives.  He claimed that he had only wished to start the fire to roast marshmallows to sate his ravenous hunger during the long flight.  To this, one bystander yelled, “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”  Another passenger commented that it was the first time he had heard the word “fire-crotch” used not referencing a red-head.

American officials have drastically increased airport security as a result of the attempted attack.  The first major change in the security process is the addition of full body scanners to security checkpoints.  These scanners scan through a person’s clothes to show any unusual shapes which could be weapons of some kind.  However, some have argued that the these body scanners infringe on the privacy of individuals by displaying the contour of the person’s actual body.

“It has made some people uncomfortable,” states a representative for the Los Angeles Airport, “but that’s the cost of security, I guess.  The image of your naked body is helping keep America safe one scan at a time.  Shouldn’t it comfort you that a random guy gets to see what you look like without clothes on?”

Nevertheless, many government officials still feel like this step up in security will still not be enough.  On January 20, the Department of Homeland Security announced plans for a new law outlawing the use of underwear on domestic and international flights, stating that America “cannot let another individual threaten America’s security by having to choose between boxers or briefs or bombs.”

The new law has been embraced by many different social groups, including hippies, homeless/poor people, bros, guidos, and trashy celebrities nationwide.  Famous publicity-stuntist Lindsay Lohan was quoted as saying, “Finally!  It is now socially acceptable to go commando in public.  I will no longer be the only one!”


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Cameron Sparks Controversy with Box Office Smash

January 24, 2010 By

Cameron Sparks Controversy with Box Office Smash

By Joe Souter

James Cameron, a screen writer renowned not only for his fascinating scripts but also for the movements which they represent, has caused tumult across America with his latest movie, Avatar. Cameron is remembered from the 1997 as sending shockwaves throughout the world when his screenplay ‘Titanic’ prophesied the outcome of the 2009 Vanderbilt football season, a nightmare come true for even the most hopeful Commodore fans. Now, Cameron’s latest hit has come under fire by several blue activist groups who say that their portrayal as a backwards and tribal people has only gone to further stereotypes which have held them back for centuries.

The first to feel the backlash from Avatar were members of the Democratic party. Al Gore gave a press conference earlier this month, noting Cameron’s attempt to portray all of the ‘Blue States’ as tree pluggers who wear loin cloths as playing into typical democratic stereotypes that tend to drive people away from the party. He also felt the need to explain that, should the health care bill be passed, the American public will not be fully at the mercy of lying underneath glowing trees and chanting in circles; though he doesn’t deny that these measures have helped in the fight against global warming. Gore was noticeably silent when questioned about the internet’s origins spawning from the unobtanium black market.

Amongst the others to join Gore in the fight were fans of Michigan, Kentucky and Duke, all of whom came out earlier this week to show their distaste with the smurfs on steroids stereotype. “Look, I just come out and cheer for big blue every game,” said Mike Jones, “that doesn’t mean that I wake up in the morning, ride my big red pterodactyl through the woods looking for white people to kill.” However, not everyone felt that the stereotype was a negative one. One Kentucky fan, who later refused to be named, claimed the movie was in some aspects an accurate portrayal of blue culture, “I really think Cameron hit the nail on the head when he showed how much the Na ‘vi disliked marriage outside of one’s own tribe. We been tellin’ the rest of America that for years.”

Papa Smurf was not nearly as optimistic about the movie’s take on his culture. Apparently he and Cameron spent the last several years trying to find a way to add a 2nd dimension to smurfs, let alone a 3rd. “I just feel betrayed by Mr. Cameron’s actions”, said Papa, “how are we supposed to accurately avoid Gargamel in the magical forest if we can only run left or right?” Several smurfs have even gone so far as to say that Cameron is, in fact, Gargamel; they believe the smurfs which he stole were converted to three dimensions, then placed into his movie. Sadly, Papa Smurf doesn’t see how he can ever garner support for his cause, since no one is interested in one-dimensional figures frolicking in the mushrooms when they can have 3d versions engaged in all out warfare.

The Blue Man group also expressed concern about expectations placed upon their future productions. Cameron’s budget, far superior to that of the performing arts group, has allowed him to maximize the entertainment value of blue people. Apparently since Avatar was released, fans at BMG’s shows have been seen putting on and taking off their Avatar 3d glasses, trying to figure out why the show didn’t make sense from either dimension. “Apparently being blue just isn’t enough to merit people paying 60$ for two hours of beating on drums and playing with puppets anymore”, commented BMG’s manager, Indigo Baldman. Seeing their industry as ruined, the Blue Men say that they considered a change of pace, looking into licensing for the “White Man Group”, though plans were scrapped when fans started showing up outside the studio wearing hoods and burning crosses.

More recently, a spokesman for the American Society of the Clinically Depressed came out saying that Cameron’s blockbuster has done great things for its members. Apparently seeing blue people triumph over perfectly happy ones has given depressed people a shot of confidence unseen since the invention of Prozac. “Cameron has shown that the real problem isn’t the blue people of the world, but rather those who are happy. If only we could load them onto ships and off of our planet, our forlorn society could proceed without interruption.” When asked if he had actually seen the movie, the spokesman added that he hasn’t been to the movies since he came dangerously close to laughing while seeing the Hangover, but that he had read the plot summary on Sicklypedia.

In other news, Dennis Rodman felt the need to come out and clarify once again that he is not an alien.

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