On Wednesday December 8th, The Slant’s most recent printed issue contained within its pages the single most vulgar sentence ever published by a Vanderbilt student-run publication. The news broke prompting unprecedented student response, as many students found themselves skipping class to protest the senseless degradation of the English language and the Vanderbilt community as a whole.
“I’ve never in my life seen words that have inspired such a fervent, grassroots reaction,” Political Science professor Johan Pulitsar said.
In addition to angering just about everyone, the immensely rude sentence’s existence postulated questions that not even the university’s most heralded academic scholars could answer.
“To think that a human being could bring himself to think – let alone print – such a statement really puts my entire career as a researcher at an impasse,” Philosophy professor Frederick Aristotletes said. “No, there’s more to it than just that… What if I had been the one to pen the unspeakable phrase? Would my humanity cease to exist as I descend to become one with the demons? All these years of mankind, have morals just been a façade covering our dark, sadistic reality?”
A student who wished to remain nameless said, “Man, I dunno ‘bout these pussies who can’t take a joke, but it was hilarious.”
When reached for comment, the entire staff of The Slant was unable to be located by Vanderbilt Student Communications, VUPD, Nashville Metro Police, Vanderbilt Dining, the FBI and the International Criminal Court. President of Interpol, Khoo Bun Hui, has sent out an all-points bulletin to the law enforcement agencies of the world asking that The Slant staffers be apprehended, jailed and tickled mercilessly until they say they’re sorry and sit in time-out for a while.
Private Investigator Dick Larjebalz has recently been hired directly by Chancellor Zeppos to get to the bottom of this mystery.
In response to our reporting, Larjebalz took a long drag from his cigarette and said, “I dunno what kind of answers you’re looking for, doll face, but I’ve seen a lot of dark stuff in this unforgiving town… This gang, though, they make Al Capone’s boys look like a bunch of goddamn Dudley Do-Rights.”
Newest Slant Prints Most Offensive Sentence Ever
Two Top Tens: Top Ten Things VSC Sold That It Didn’t Have Rights To and Top Ten Places to Get Free Food on Campus
Top Ten Places To Get Free Food on Campus
*Minority organization parties
*Alumni Reunion Tents
*The bulk candy bins in the munchie mart when the staff isn’t looking
*Parent visits
*Tupperware brought to Rand brunch
*All the meal plan meals your anorexic girlfriend skips
*Squirrel traps
*1-Up Mushrooms in your mario game
*Unlocked dorm rooms
*Go to a vending machine. Swipe your card. Unplug the ethernet cable from the wall, and make your selection within like half a second cause it realizes you unplugged the cable and will say “no cards” if you’re not fast enough. You get your snack. Then, it will remember that a purchase has been made, so you have to unplug the machine’s power cord so it loses that memory, then plug both cables back in.
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*Snack machine + hammer
*Trick-or-Treating
*The dumpster behind Commons
*Freshman meal plan
Things VSC Sold That It Didn’t Have Rights To:
-Tree in front of McGill
-Sorostitutes’ morals
-McTyeire
-Vandy’s football success
-That’s where the money you lose on rollovers goes to
-The soap in FGH
-8th floor of the library
-Old smoothie place
-Half of every Pub wrap
-All of Rand’s cleaning equipment
-The engineering science major
-Obama’s vacant senate seat
-Glee’s funniness
-Versus
-Tom the Quizno’s guy
-The penis on the Ascension statue outside Stevenson
-The old Vandy Vans
-Honey Mustard dispenser from the Pub
-The Great Escape on Broadway
-Frannie Boyle’s intelligence
Fiber No Longer Needed Thanks to VSC
Many Vanderbilt students have been taking advantages of the free laxatives handed out by Vanderbilt Student Communications. Multitudes of copies of student publications including The Hustler, Versus, The Torch, Orbis and even The Slant have been spotted in numerous bathrooms across campus in order to aid students in their defecation efforts. However, VSC has not decided to plant issues in dormitory lavatories on the grounds that those areas may be toxic waste hazards especially in the vicinity of the Kissam Quadrangle.
One freshman pooper commented, “The new commons toilets are pretty nice, but I was expecting a lot more from Vanderbilt to help facilitate my bowels. The model dorm room on my visit had complementary laxatives in it. I was pretty disappointed to find that we didn’t get those. But now that VSC has been providing us with these newspapers, I’ve had a lot easier time taking care of business.”
“The newspapers seem to be the most common in Sarratt,” an engineering sophomore added, “but they’re best put to use in Featheringill. I eat at the pub every day, sometimes for dinner too, so that really clogs up the pipes. The editorials in The Hustler are the best for cleaning the plumbing, but when I read The Slant, it really scrubs the bubbles. And I thought crosswords and The Slant were only useful in class! Wow, was I wrong!!”
Some researchers at the Vanderbilt Medical Center have been weary to endorse the laxative properties of VSC publications citing such health risks upon as brain freeze, inexplicable rage and in the case of The Slant, an erection lasting longer than four hours. Many students, though aware of the risks, refuse to weigh them against the benefits.
“I mean, those papers are always going to be on those bathroom floors,” Senior Henrik von Kokkenblokken said, “and there’s no other time I’m going to read those papers. Why not kill two birds with one stone? Well, killing birds while dropping stones that is.”
