Last week, Activision’s subsidiary and corporate lap dog Treyarch released the much anticipated game, “Call of Duty: Black Ops”. Unfortunately for Treyarch, far too many people bought it, and now the company may have to limit online play strictly to non-noobs only. To some casual players this may seem unfair, but to the most dedicated gamers this is the relief they’ve strongly desired for over a year.
Without the inordinate amount of noobs running around with the added speed of the Marathon and Lightweight perks, ‘Noobslayerx9’ commented, “Finally! Now I don’t live in constant fear of a quick, bullshit tac-knife burst from a noob or being shot through the wall by an FMJ FAL when I clearly had [the noob] lined up in the iron sights of my silenced AK-74… with fall camo, of course.”
Another hardcore gamer, ‘AkimboShotties132’ is excited about the removal of the sniper rifles’ scoping function. He said, “Let’s be real, 360º quickscope-noscopes are the only way to snipe.”
Even more elated are the intensely hardcore players, including modders, lagswitchers, and the like who will no longer have to face players that have a strange, rumored ability: the so-called “skill.” For gameplay balance reasons, in the rare case that a player may exhibit talented play, the game will promptly prevent the character from moving at all. Lead Developer Mark Lamia said, “Honestly, it’s the only fair solution to the problem.”
To date, Treyarch stats list that over 14 billion claymore mines have been placed in the few days since the game’s release. These explosives, along with the noticeably darker and larger maps are even more helpful to the cause of the “Waiters.” These camper’s boons coupled with equipment such as movable claymores and stationary video cameras that can replace your mini-map have significantly upped the game’s required lack-of-skill factor to an unprecedented level.
One qualm that true pros have is that shotguns are no longer considered secondary weapons. This change has effectively removed the ability to have a powerful bling rapid-fire holographic UMP submachine gun along with a silenced foregrip SPAS-12 shotgun that has the long-range capabilities of a sniper has been eliminated. Most players don’t like these changes, but game developers claim they are trying to appeal to “True gamers.”
“The game will be a little more difficult, but now that the noobs have been eliminated, we can play the game the way it is meant to be played – with grenade launchers, RPGs and flamethrowers.” Says Xbox Live subscriber and first prestige level 23 xDudleyDoWrongx.
Currently, there is no word yet on any advantageous in-game glitches that have been discovered, but the most elite gamers say that they are ready to use them for their benefit. Legendary noob-owner and local 13-year old Sgt.Slaughter69 said, “If it is obviously an intentional glitch, then a true master takes any edge he can get.”
Multiplayer Game Designer David Vonderhaar stated, “Don’t worry, noobs. If you are upset that you have no place in this new game, there are some steps that you can take. Just equip those akimbo shotguns and learn how to drop shot, and you too can channel your inner “pro.”