Vanderbilt University's Humor Publication
10) Music Practice Rooms
9) Your Roommate’s Closet (with or without a door)
Laundry Room
7) Single-use, lockable third-floor bathroom in Rand
6) Central Library stacks
5) Divinity School Garden
4) Towers Suite Pantries
3) Room 303
2) The Roof of MRB 3
1) McDonald’s or Red Lobster
Valentine’s Day—that once yearly celebration that induces heterosexual couples to make over-the-top displays of their affection through the exchange of foil balloons, heart-shaped chocolates, and pink flowers. Meanwhile, single girls watch reruns of romantic comedies over buckets of ice cream, while single guys attempt to ply the single girls with pink and red alcoholic beverages. But let’s break the stereotypes; there are those of us who have found new and innovative ways to celebrate this sappy excuse for the consumption of all things pink, and I would like to share them with you. Whether you are dating or single, or just hooking up, start a new tradition here and now…
1) Grab a few friends and throw a movie marathon. No, not the latest Jennifer Anniston flick. Opt for a few classic, badly scripted teen slashers, in particular the ones featuring attractive teens being stalked by various psycho-killers. This is a good way to vent the frustration you are likely to experience throughout the day. I recommend I Know What You Did Last Summer, Prom Night, Sorority Row, House of Wax, and any of the Final Destinations.
2) Have an Adam Lambert Dance Party. Wear lots of black leather and glitter. Play his albums over and over again and dance until you feel glamorous.
3) Play spin-the-bottle Valentine’s style. Spin a full bottle of vodka (or any drink of your choice). The person who it lands on has to drink until they’re willing to kiss you. I don’t know what this has to do with Valentine’s Day, but I think someone out there should try it.
4) Perform a public execution to commemorate the execution of St. Valentine. No, not on a real person, you sick freak. Use a cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen or a Republican politician. Get as medieval as possible to stay true to the spirit of martyrdom.
5) The average man spends about $156 for Valentine’s Day, while the average woman spends about $85. Who are these people and why do they have so much money? Anyway, if this applies to you and your significant other, why don’t you pool your money and go to Six Flags? Roller coasters trump roses, any day.
6) Play 7 Minutes in Heaven Valentine’s style – only make it 7 Minutes in Hell. Fill a closet with every cutesy Valentine’s thing you can find, then lock people in there in pairs and see if they can last 7 minutes without suffering a psychotic meltdown.
7) Go on the grand Valentine’s tour. Visit the sweatshops of third world countries and talk to the children that make your teddy bears for a dollar a day. That’s what love is all about, after all.
Tell someone you care about how you really feel. Expect disappointment.
9) Reread this article.
Below is a list of surefire ways to get laid this holiday; this advice may or may not get you in trouble with the Metro Police or VUPD, so I will preface this by saying that self-love is the only safe love.
1. Chloroform
Sketchy Guy: “Hey ma’am can you tell me if this rag smells funny to you?”
Naïve Woman: “Su…*clearly faints*”
Sketchy Guy: “Oh, Chloroform, how I love thee!”
While this idea may seem unethical, it sure as hell is fool proof. My personal philosophy is that if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen, but I don’t think Metro or VUPD would necessarily share those same sentiments.
2. Support
Prostitution
Too lazy to try to woo some random bird to get your rocks off? Support your local prostitute. While this may not be your grade “A” piece of ass, it sure beats another date night with your left hand. Be warned, any diseases contracted are non-refundable.
3. A Shit-Ton of Alcohol
Depending on your venue, this may be either the cheapest or most expensive option; your intended target is also a large variable in this. Your best bet is to be in a sketchy venue with dim lights and free or cheap alcohol. Chances are that you will not be the only person with getting laid in mind. Keep in mind though, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, and your princess may very well be a prince.
4. Make the Person Feel as if You’re Their Only Option
One of the most effective getting laid tips is the good old-fashioned mind fuck. Self-esteem is for the weak minded. Destroy it and you’ll have the person actually begging for you and thanking you.
5. Lie
If you’re looking for a method only slightly socially unacceptable, basic lies can get your further than anything. The basic, “Yes, I’m a millionaire”, “I love you”, or even, “You’re beautiful”, are potent; do not underestimate their power to effectively get most people under your control. naivete is something to exploit; everyone has to learn at some point.
6. Be Convincing
Did you let that cute kid cheat off of you in Chemistry? Copy your homework? Well, then time to break out your blackmail. Use the dirty little secrets you’ve overheard at Rand Brunch or being shrieked in Sarratt despite the fact that no one actually cares to create some dirty times of your own. Remember, it’s a thin line between blackmail and being convincing.
7. Whore Yourself
Why bother buying a prostitute when you can be one yourself? Forget the sketchy venues and even skuzzier clientele; you’ll be getting laid and putting away money (and more) towards your college education.
8. Be a Jackass
For some reasons, jackasses always manage to get laid. Maybe it’s masochism or finding someone they hate more than they hate themselves, but whatever the reason is, bitches and jackasses get laid. Reverse psychology? Maybe. Hope for the future? None.
9. Bed Intruder Method
One way to get lucky is to be extremely forward and hope everything goes well. See someone attractive? Find out where they live, break into their dorm, and voila. VUPD may be called and do not be alarmed if six officers show up. No love comes easy, and that includes good old-fashioned lovin’. Maybe you can convince one of the officers to give you a slut-down worst-case scenario.
10. Good Ol’ Roofies
Shy talking to girls or boys? Don’t worry, if you slip ‘em a little something something, they won’t even remember you. Yay, unplanned pregnancy, so remember to please be safe, or have a wire hanger or staircase ready.
Everybody rags on Valentine’s Day as being a Hallmark-produced, candy-coated, pseudo-genuine holiday. I realize as Slant editor I should probably jump on this bandwagon, since The Slant historically casts out more zingers than Triumph the insult-comic dog. However, this time I am not. There are a lot stupider holidays out there.
On Easter, is the miracle we’re supposed to be celebrating that a bunny can lay chocolate eggs? Are we thankful in November that gluttony isn’t a sin for one day? Is Christmas a celebration of sales on children’s toys and the power and awe of electricity?
Other holidays have religious or historic context to back up their authenticity, but what does that really add? I think Valentine’s Day is awesome and not just because I can smugly say I’m in a relationship. Other holidays are closeted, but Valentine’s Day embraces what it is. It started commercialized and it continues commercialized. What is more American than picking a random date and making it somehow significant? Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day, Hug-an-Asian Day, Kick-a-Ginger Day—all legitimate fake holidays but not as epic. Like a louse compared to a llama, Valentine’s Day is ten times more badass than any other fake holiday.
Perhaps people don’t like Valentine’s Day because of the overload of pink? Nevertheless, this doesn’t fit the Vanderbilt scene, where the campus’s men assault us with pink on a daily basis.
However, the real question, is how can anyone not like a holiday that advocates gift giving? Although not as magical as a birthday where you are not expected to reciprocate gifts, Valentine’s Day still is a wonderful celebration of giving stuff. More important, it’s a day of giving GOOD stuff.
Chocolate is delicious. This is indisputable. Thus, a holiday that’s celebration involves dipping food in chocolate, giving chocolate to others and making chocolate into sappy shapes like hearts and roses is awesome in my book. Or more precisely, is awesome in my paper.
I’m your friendly neighborhood Grinch, and I’d like to retract my previous hate statement that drove my point into the pavement. I was wrong to go against the Christmas season; it’s Valentine’s Day that is the worst, and here is my reason! I shouldn’t have been going after those Whos, instead I should have drowned my sorrows in booze! Oh, excuse me; I got a little sidetracked there while typing here in my chair.
If you think Christmas is really gay, then have you even gone outside your cozy home on Valentine’s Day? Have you ever walked into a human Walgreens after New Year’s? If so, then you may have vomited all over your grizzly beards. Now, unless you like tasting your breakfast a second time, then you’re probably in a rather bad mood. All this about candy hearts and giant fluorescent pink teddy bears when I go to town to purchase my wares. All the red and all the white remind me of that stupid cat and his ridiculous hat! Oh, I can’t wait to tear down those pink posters and shut up all of those loafy love boasters!
Oh, some say it’s “happy holidays” not “merry Christmas.” Bah! It is Valentine’s Day at which I shake my fist! Every kiss begins with Kay? No way! Every kiss begins with alcohol, I say. And don’t believe what that Cindy Lou Who says; I don’t have whiskey breath! Just smell it and guess!
Now, as the only Grinch in this part of town, not having a lady friend really brings me down. But why shove lovey dovey foo foo in all of our faces? Why don’t they put their effort in much better places! Sure, no human female will date me, because I’m green and fuzzy and kind of unshapely, but whenever I turn on the TV and see all these human couples “enjoying themselves,” I bang my noggin on the top of my shelves!
Remember how my heart grew three sizes that day? Well it shrank four sizes that next February! The Grinch knows about separation of church and state, well, the human congress should force people to stay home and masturbate! Can they fund that with stimulus money? Grinches have to pay taxes, and it seems like some would like some government honey! Why, I myself am ready to start working on my disguise. Heed me now, for I am very wise. For Christmas, I dressed up as Santa with his sleigh; for Valentine’s, I’ll jump a flower delivery boy on his way. What color rose would you like, little girl? Blood red?? Whorish white??? Will you be fralumping in your bed on this most arbitrary night?
I’m just sick and tired of being force-fed this pidoodly boodly each year. The couples, not impotence, but the Grinch they will fear! What you don’t know about me is that I read quite a lot in my cave, especially with the internet gizmo my grandmother gave. The Wikipidillidy tells me that St. Valentine wasn’t exactly a well-known dude. Isn’t besmirching his name rather rude? In fact, he could have been multiple Valentinos shepherding all sorts of cupid bambinos. Why, the fourteenth isn’t even an official Catholic holiday! Surely the Pope will enter this fray! It’s just a fabrication promoted at the time by that human writer Geoff Chaucer to one-up some silly pagan Lupercalia festival saucers. The Hallmark Company must make its profits, who doesn’t love a card with Wallace and Gromit? Pajamagrams, pussy whips and obligatory sex? No more of that once I have placed my hex! Whos, Humans and Grinches in spirit, aren’t all of you just freaking sick of it?
When I stole Christmas, it went on without the presents and the decorations and the singing and the food, but I don’t think Valentine’s Day can go on without the turn-a-profit mood. None of the abused boyfriends who just got their hair done will say that Mr. Grinch is really a mean one for liberating them from this horrible, terrible, unbearable fate. Nobody really expects something new on a one hundredth date. Now, my minions, let us rid the world of the red, white and pink! Those three colors together absolutely stink! Now, next month we’ll put up with that St. Patrick’s spam, and I know a certain guy who hates his green eggs and ham!
