Move aside Precious, illiteracy is so overrated. Hasta la vista, Inglorious Basterds; learn how to spell. Away you go, Away We Go – Maya Rudolph, stick to comedy. The movie of the year, our generation and, dare I say it, of all time has arrived – New Moon.
The newest installment in the defining saga of the 2000s triumphantly combines stellar acting with unparalleled screenwriting, obscenely attractive actors with stunningly beautiful actresses and incredible special effects with sly product placement to create a undeniable cinematic masterpiece.
Kristen Stewart as Bella is back in t-t-top-notch stuttering, rapidly blinking and self-degrading form; paired alongside the eternally (literally) brooding, constantly-excersising-self-control-as-to-not-harm-Bella-and-eat-her Edward, and the newest leg of the love triangle, baby Jacob who seemed incapable of consistently wearing clothes. All three give Oscar-worthy performances, each delving so deep into the characters that rumors have even circulated as to Rob Pattinson frequently consuming animal blood in preparation for the role and Taylor Lautner becoming a nudist. Kristen Stewart was just being herself.
The plot of the movie is pure genius. Although Edward is so in love with Bella that she is his “only reason to stay alive… if that’s what I am,” she spends all of her time worrying about being old and even more insecure, as he retains his youthful glow. Or sparkle.. especially in the sun, if you will. He leaves her. She falls rapidly into a tumultuous depression characterized by night terrors and strange Lykke Li songs, proving once and for all that girls everywhere necessitate constant validation and male company for happiness.
Then comes Jacob. Bella shamelessly leads him on, enjoys his shirtlessness, feels whole again and lets him know how beautiful he is; only for him to abandon her as well. The remains of her self esteem are obliterated. Once again, Bella is alone.
She then figures out that Jacob is a werewolf. And fails to find this strange.
Alice comes back and Bella runs off to Italy with her to try to stop Edward from killing himself. There, they encounter Dakota Fanning, who admirably succeeds in being as obnoxious as always. Edward proceeds to apologize and Bella abandons all self-respect and gets back together with him. She goes back to wanting to be a vampire.. and he gives in. Given that she marries him. This utterly unpredictable plot is something we have not seen in film in years, and warrants endless admiration and acclaim.
Rarely is such a film made with such a wonderful, heartwarming story; but even more rarely is such a film made with the composition and technical aspects up to those standards as well. The overly dramatic camera shots and movement as well as impeccable special effects (namely the slow motion birthday party fiasco and Edward’s breathtaking skin, sparkling more elegantly than a middle school girl decked out in Bath and Body Works’ Body Art roll-on glitter) work together seamlessly to accentuate the story and enhance the value of the masterpiece.
The only downside of this phenomenal movie was the soundtrack; whoever thought it was a good idea to replace Rob Pattinson’s moaning and whining that made the Twilight‘s soundtrack so endearing and powerful with the likes of Death Cab for Cutie and collaborations between some strange groups Bon Iver and St. Vincent was a complete buffoon. Replacing Paramore with Thom Yorke and Grizzly Bear? Inconceivable. Preposterous. Don’t fret though, officials have confirmed that this problem will be remedied with some Miley Cirus, Ke$ha and Jason DeRulo for the next soundtrack.
Soundtrack aside, New Moon is briliant. Numbing the minds of the tween and Pattinsonophile demographics is great, great enough for opening weekend totals rivaling that of trivial films such as The Dark Knight in fact. We are a privileged generation to be able to experience this epic saga in the making.
This film’s greatness seems to be insurmountable, but for Eclipse next summer, the goals have been set even higher. “We plan on expanding our appeal even more,” Twilight insider revealed. “We plan on introducing a Team Alice, to spice things up a bit; as well as a special appearance by Lil Wayne.. because who doesn’t love a little Weezy F Baby?”
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait.
