It is sometimes said of Vanderbilt students that, as a whole, we are self-centered and egotistical. We live in the “Vandy Bubble” and are unconcerned with the events occurring in the world around us. My personal response would be to blame the fact that the TVs in Rand play nothing but SportsCenter 24/7, but because this is a top tier university, the student body has come up with a more eloquent retort: we act when we are needed. The Vanderbilt student body became actively involved in relief efforts for the earthquake in Haiti and the recent flooding in Nashville. Now, another event is rapidly approaching that requires a Vanderbilt solution: Thanksgiving.
In less than a week, the nation will again celebrate a holiday that promotes the gorging of one’s self on such dishes as turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie, and Vanderbilt students, who always treat their bodies as temples, do not support this ritual. They believe the focus should be on the history and our exploitation of the Native American people for knowledge of how to grow corn – not on the physically harmful act of over-eating.
“Thanksgiving makes over-eating acceptable,” one skinny student said. “It says, ‘go out and buy a pair of tacky, oversized elastic waist band pants because we are Americans and today is the day we eat until we pass out.’ Binge drinking I understand, but binge eating? Gross.”
The skinny bitch has a point. The promotion of overeating leads to obesity, which exposes Americans to a cornucopia of other health problems. Scaling down this holiday would be a huge step towards eliminating on of the nations leading health risks. So suck it, haters. We are looking out for you.
Though Vanderbilt students’ main concern is the health and well being of the American people, making Thanksgiving a less prominent holiday would help us out as well. Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with a Thanksgiving themed frat party? I’ve tried, and “Indian bros and pilgrim hos” just doesn’t invoke excitement among students. Plus the Pocahontas soundtrack is severely lacking in bumpin’ jams.
So, this year, heed our warning and use the Vandy girl as your model when approaching the Thanksgiving feast. Instead of stuffing yourself to the point where the button on your jeans becomes a dangerous projectile, have salad and water instead. It won’t at all be satisfying, but you’ll live longer and look great in that sexy Santa outfit you’re planning on wearing to the end of the semester blowouts. “Dashing through the hoes”? Now that sounds like a party.