How to blog from iPad

November 23, 2010 By

Dear world I sit here today typing poorly and
Unable to find my tv remote. The food network is on st 3 am and it is now infomercials please please someone stop this awful awful torture. There are no keys in this thing how am i typing st sly thus is ridiculed . Oh i found it criss severed i almost stepped on my iPad youth that would have bucked. Oh sweet man tracker is on sciene channel oh wait something about sex on g4 yes here we go.

The food channek is awesome but i eish i coukd eat the food on the tv in the real life. Kinds sucks doesn’t it??? South park creme fraiche was really funny though.

So it’d thanksgiving teak noe and i really Should sleep but wow I’m on a real Sofa in a real house that doesn’t smell like a cross between popcorn beer vomit jets pizza and bacon. School has unlimited hot water though so i ended no shave November s few days early. Sad sad sad.

Do i buy call of duty back ops im afraid if i do ill die like srtioudly my life will end i csnnot believer it had to corm to this. Death awaits me in the form of s call of duty.

Late night commercials are the worst idont eant to see the only erectile treatment covered by medicare how bout you cover up eith my fisticare in your faceinsurance.

I heard a table of Japanese people st dinner. Couldn’t understand what all they were saying. Too loud in place. Wow im a failure at my favorite language of course English is still #1 in the hood g.

I have a gift csrd to davis kid but it is going out of business i cant believe this i will buy scott pilgrim booked.

Wwell this is the end of the line for my iPad typing this has taken me like 15 min. Yeah buddy.

Thanks fore reading the least clever thing vie written ever. This has ben an experiment in socials media I a cannot believe socsisl autocorrected to socks.

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Segway owner goes to extreme to save company, dies

October 2, 2010 By

Segway Inc. may have finally found a way to boost sales.  Unfortunately, it cost them a CEO.  Jimi Heselden, owner of Segway Inc., died September 27th after driving his segway off a cliff on his estate in West Yorkshire, England.
The accident was a result of Heselden’s attempt to jump across the precipice in preparation for an upcoming publicity stunt.  According to his son, Heselden was training to jump across the Grand Canyon, Evel Knievel style, on a suped-up Segway in order to widen the company’s limited market and boost their mediocre sales. “Dad was a visionary,” Jimi Jr. said. “What others saw as a way for the morbidly obese to sightsee, he saw as the latest entry to the world of extreme sports.”
Heselden’s extreme measures and desperation were not unwarranted.  Despite the hype surrounding the product’s 2001 release, the Segway has continually operated in the red, failing to meet projected sales even once in its nine-year history.  The company currently competes within a limited market catering mostly to the needs of law enforcement officials (who am I kidding, mall cops), post office workers, and the occasional city tours thrown in here and there.
Heselden’s death was not in vain, however.  Segway sales skyrocketed after news of his death hit the Internet.  According to Segway Inc.’s head of sales, Andrew Jones, nearly 8,000 units were sold within the first twenty-four hours after Heselden’s death. “I only wish someone was there to film his attempt,” Jones said.  “Imagine how many more of these things we could have sold if someone had put that shit on YouTube.  Seriously, we could have been bigger than Jackass.”
Segway Inc., recognizing a gift when it sees one, is working to take full advantage of the manner in which Heselden met his demise.  The company is currently in negotiations with X-Games officials to make “Segway Jumping” the newest addition to the extreme sports competition.

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Vanderbilt Study: Do Puppies Bounce?

October 2, 2010 By

Do puppies bounce? New research from Vanderbilt University’s Department of Biological Sciences suggests not.
The study, which will appear in the November issue of the Journal of Experimental Biology, provides some of the first experimental data on the elasticity, or “bounciness,” of young dogs. Dr. Robert Bates, lead researcher, claims that applying this groundbreaking analysis to traditional models may require a “fundamental restructuring of our understanding of mammalian collision physics.”
Over the course of the multiyear experiment, researchers released 594 puppies from heights of two to fourteen feet, over a variety surfaces, including slate, concrete, granite, asphalt, and a soft blanket for a total of nearly thirty-thousand carefully measured “bounces.” From this large sample of data, the scientists have determined the elasticity coefficient of juvenile canines with a precision never before seen.
“Previous estimates relied upon false assumptions to simplify the problem,” claims postdoctoral researcher, Christopher Hook. “For instance, the subjects primarily exhibited bilateral, not axial, symmetry,” Hook reported, referencing traditional physics models that relied upon the premise of perfectly spherical puppies. “Our data really provides a foundation for a better understanding of the elasticity of all types of young animals: baby ducks, piglets, kittens, and even small children.”
But not everyone shares in Dr. Hook’s optimism. The misanthropic animal rights group, PETA, has issued a statement condemning the promising research as “cruel” and “pointless” while making haphazard and explicit comparisons to the work of Josef Mengele, the infamous physician of Auschwitz-Birkenau and the Tuskegee syphilis experiment.
Vanderbilt’s Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee has responded, stating they have “overseen and evaluated all aspects of the experiment’s animal use,” and that it, like all animal research carried out by Vanderbilt University, “is held to the highest standard of care.” When asked about PETA’s threats, Dr. Hook responded, “What these activists don’t understand is that we have a fundamental interest in maintaining animal well-being – poorly cared for animals produce bad data. Our puppies receive exceptional care – from long group walks to the finest dry puppy chow, so that they ‘bounce’ just like any other healthy puppy. Mistreating them in any way would introduce unnecessary sources of error into our data and needlessly jeopardize our research.” The National Canine Research Council agrees and has commended Dr. Bates’ team for bringing humanity’s understanding of all dogs one steep further.
In light of the success of his groundbreaking research, Dr. Bates has secured an NHI grant to begin a similar study on kittens. Dr. Hook, along with two other former members of Bates’s team, has already moved on to a new area of study.  They are currently designing an experimental procedure to evaluate the average number of cercopithecoids that can be placed into a standard hogshead barrel.

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iPad Appeals to Giant Demographic

April 9, 2010 By

In a move Saturday heralded as an extraordinarily-large step forward for Big People across the globe, Apple Computers released their Giant iPhone.

“Finally!” said troll Craig McKraath. “With these giant hands and that tiny screen, how was I supposed to twitter while finding that hot sushi joint? Impossible! I still can’t use most of those apps or even get a cell-phone out of the deal, but now I can do what I’ve always wanted to do— read books! Just like I’ve always been able to do. Just electronically. Just for the hell of it.”

For years, fawns, ogres and titans the world over have bemoaned the trend towards smaller and lighter. “Blackberries are devilishly difficult,” said behemoth John Taylor Haagwadeeth. “No really, I was talking to Satan the other day about how he designed that tiny QWERTY keyboard to be just big enough to look attractive, but small enough to frustrate even the most text-crazy 8 year-olds.”

Some fans have seen this as the next step for Apple. “OMG, like, I’m totally their biggest fan! No, really, I’m like 10’ 9” and 950 pounds. But like, the Giant iPhone is so totally Apple! You know, they just make it simple and like work, you know? So like, I totally don’t have to think about it. Yeah, just like, no thinking at all.”

Although not everyone is so enthusiastic; critics claim that Apple has done nothing except expand the iPhone and strip functionality. “As someone who has unusually large testicles,” said colossus Hung Fo Sho, “I was impressed by the balls of Steve Jobs for releasing something that doesn’t multi-task, can’t play flash videos, has no camera and requires typing on a screen. Those balls are the only thing that allow Steve Jobs to be called a “god.”

Perhaps, however, the biggest problem is not within the sleek black case of the iPad. “Wait a minute, what did you say the Giant iPhone was called? Oh man, you had me going there for a second. I mean, I literally have my head in the clouds all day, but even I’m not oblivious. Hahaha, the iPad, that’s a bloody stupid name.”

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Rock Band For Charity Earns Snazzy Pants

November 17, 2009 By

A Rock Band competition was held Tuesday night as a charity event to benefit the W.O. Smith Nashville Community Music School, which teaches little kids how to play real instruments so they’re not stuck in front of a TV breaking their fingers on Rock Band like we are.

The event was plainly titled “Rock Band at Vandy,” a catchy name with some good rhyme, and at least it avoided using another “’dores” pun like everything else at Vanderbilt.

Competitors from every school showed up as free agents and in teams to settle their differences in the form of rock. Each school was well represented, and one thing became clear: despite one’s major, anyone can pull off a sick 5-minute guitar solo and look damn good doing it.

Before the competition, one of the creators of Rock Band came to speak at the Student Life Center while the other developers remained at home mastering the guitar part for Snow (Hey Oh). Rock Band creator Eran Egozy spoke about the influence of video games, highlighting the cultural benefits of being exposed to many genres of music.

This event was put on by the Curb Center for Art, Creative Enterprise & Public Policy– whatever the hell that is.

Seriously.

It’s touted on its website as “the nation’s leading research and policy center focused on the American system of creative enterprise, expressive life and the public interest,” but if not even anyone at Vanderbilt has heard of it, America must not have much of an expressive life. Even the student members of the Curb center, myself included, have no idea what we do there. But whatever it is, it’s capable of sponsoring a night of fun and copious amounts of chicken like any other student org.

Overall Rock Band at Vandy was a huge success. Upon completion of their gig, the winning band had raised $1500, which they used to unlock 2 new songs and buy boa print pants for W.O. Smith.

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iPhone Insanity

November 17, 2009 By

THE iPHONE. It’s become a quintessential and mandatory part of life on Vanderbilt campus. It’s like mixing your old iTouch and Blackberry into one device, ensuring that only one electronic item can get damaged while playing beer pong. Needless to say, it makes life complete.

As an avid iPhone addict myself (you think I’m kidding, I’ll have a legit panic attack if I can’t find it), I’ve been searching for the best apps: the most useful, the most relevant, and the most insane. I filtered through apps that made your phone double as a vibrator, track periods, calculate fertility, give you sex ed, track every calorie you consume, give you diet tips, provide useless one-time-only quizzes, rate dates, and multitudinous other extraneous gloriousness…to bring you this list. In this article, I’ll provide you with two Top 10 lists—those apps that we Vandy students have access to (and simply need to make life complete—besides the Facebook, Zippo Lighter, and FML apps), and those that would make our lives as Commodores so much easier.

TOP 10 iPHONE APPS YOU NEED:

  • gpsAssassin (Free): This app works with the GPS in your iPhone to track yourself—and everyone else with this app—and arm you…for battle. Create a bitchin’ codename, create some rocking awesome weapons, and attack away. Here’s the catch—even when the app isn’t open, you’re always playing. Yes, I do mean ALWAYS…so get ready to randomly be killed at 2 AM, unless you’re smart and hide…for the 4 hours you can. Get ready for brilliant addictive chaos—and if you kill someone with the codename “columbia,” you’ll wish very quickly you hadn’t…
  • MLIA (Free): FML is great for shits and giggles, but at the end of it, unless it epically deserved the fuck-your-life-able status, you forget them. Not so with My Life Is Average…because far too often, they’re too epically awesome. Example: “Today, while on the NYC subway, a really intimidating thug tapped me on the shoulder when I was changing the song on my iPod. I got really nervous that something bad was about to happen, but I acknowledged him anyway. Turns out he just wanted to show me he had the Glee! soundtrack on his iPod too. It made my day. MLIA”
  • Echofon (Free): Facebook Mobile is fine, but isn’t it really just for status updates and writing on walls? Welcome to a free Twitter app to stalk every celeb you know, along with the select few (and awesome) Vandy kids (such as myself, stcharly). Just like updating your Facebook status…only insanely often.
  • Convert Units for Free (Free…duh): Gotta convert angles, areas, data, energy, forces—any of that math or science insanity? Look no further than your phone. Every student in with a class in Stevenson is currently doing cartwheels.
  • I Am T-Pain ($2.99): I know, Jay-Z, D.O.A. is totally against this app…but dude, autotuning yourself is the shit for anyone, admit it.
  • Chipotle Ordering (Free): Wanna know how Qdoba gets beat? When Chipotle has go-ahead ordering—right from this app. 2AM burrito runs just got a whole lot better.
  • Bump (Free): Because exchanging numbers by text is so pre-college. You store yourself as a contact, meet someone else with Bump, both open the applications…and Bump.
  • ShopStyle Mobile (Free): Wanna find J Crew, Vineyard Vines, Lacoste, and every other Vandy-crazed label all in one place—at a discount? Say hello to this app. Your wallet thanks you, Shopaholic.
  • Beer Coaster—Drink Counter (Free): Count how many beers, glasses of wine, cocktails, or non-alcoholic drinks (pshhhhhh) that you drink in a night. Every Deb’s best friend!
  • BMI Calculator (Free): Hey, I said there’d be no CALORIE counters, not BMI calculators!! That’s totally different!!

TOP 10 iPHONE APPS YOU WISH YOU HAD:

  • Rate My Hookup: Send a pic of that hottie at the frat to other, currently sober time zones in order to get a clear judgment of legit hotness. To hookup or no?
  • Slut/Douche Rater: Made in the same mindset as Rate My Hookup, it gives unbiased judgment on frat party wear. Must your bust push up that much?
  • Updates of Pub Orders: Sick of stalling awkwardly away from your table for over an hour waiting for food that you’re not sure will EVER come at this rate? Get updates on your order instantly with messages like “Sorry, your fries just got yanked by another football player” and “Oh, just come back next week and try again.”
  • Random Number Game: How about making drunk dialing easier by using an app that picks a number for you? Or even when sober, call a random number and pretend to be someone else just to fuck with them!
  • Prank Number: This app takes your number and will add your number and give you a random name in someone else’s contact list. Let the Domino’s call come pouring in to you!
  • Change Contacts: Pick a person in your contact list and have all their contact names changed magically to Sesame Street, Harry Potter, Twilight, Biblical, or Music Star names!
  • Farmville Update: Worried about your crop of grapes dying in class? No big, harvest, plow, and plant all from here!
  • Syllabus Merger: Get all your syllabi imported into your iPhone calendar with reminders a week ahead, night before, and 30 minutes before assignments are due. Planners? Such a waste of paper!
  • Breathalyzer: Sure, you can get that clumsy attachment, but wouldn’t it be better to just blow where the speaker is and have your BAC magically appear on the screen?
  • Hustler Verification: They’re far too serious to be trusted.

There you have it, iPhone loving friends—your complete guide to what really is necessary in life…er, you iPhone’s app list.

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