Junior and leader of the Vanderbilt Student Leaders Association Johnny Wilson is under public scrutiny for “absolutely losing his shit” after being insistently pestered to remove freshman Timmy Lilschiz from the VSLA@list.vanderbilt.edu mailing list.
Wilson received the email from Lilschiz approximately 3 minutes after spending half an hour composing an informative message concerning an upcoming fundraiser for deaf orphans, “Listen for the Kids.” Lilschiz said, “Hey, can you please remove me from this listserv? I asked you a week ago,” and was the only student to answer Wilson’s call to action.
Wilson responded by promptly going berserk, which most pundits agree was a totally justified reaction.
“Man, Johnny, he just… He couldn’t take it anymore,” says suitemate J.J. Glazer. “He’s gotten so many emails from kids who signed up at the student org fair who he doesn’t even know… Every time he sends one out to his group, someone always asks to be taken off. Don’t they know they can do it themselves?”
Lilschiz’s roommate, Paulie Pavoratti, said, “Yeah, Timmy, He just kind of figured, you know, won’t it be easier to just have the group leader do this, since he’s in charge of the listserv. He just didn’t know how much of [Wilson’s] time he was wasting.”
With much disgust in his mind and hatred in his black heart, Wilson proceeded to log on to list.vanderbilt.edu and enter his VUnet ID and single login e-password. After three botched attempts, Wilson realized that he had forgotten has password from complacently having OAK and Gmail save it. After repeatedly clicking on, “Forgot your password?” and receiving no automated email, Wilson remembered that his secondary email was set to XgokuthedestroyerXSSJ4@hotmail.com, an address he had been using since 2001. Upon logging into Hotmail with the password, “spiritbomb,” Wilson was astounded to see that he could not find the email from Vanderbilt. After sorting through solicitations from Nigerian Princes and Gamespot updates, he was finally able to reset his Vanderbilt e-password.
Once logged into the listserv management website, Wilson noticed something was awry. The dashboard did not reflect his position as a student leader, and he had no permissions to edit any subscribers. As the clock had just turned to 5:01 in the afternoon on a Friday, Wilson could not contact the Office of Student Organizations or the Dean of Students IT department to properly implement these necessary changes.
When Monday arrived, Wilson was still puzzled as to why he could not access listserv management despite reading replies from the DOS IT staff. After a few more hours of correspondence, they realized that they had misspelled his name as “jonny.wilson.” A full 86 hours since the incident began, Wilson removed Lilschiz from the listserv. He then rocked back in his chair, said “God dammit…” under his breath and wrote Lilschiz an email that said, “I hope you’re happy… Bitch.”
The Slant Tests Limits of Vandy Discrimination Policy
In recent student media news, The Slant has excommunicated one of its journalists, Aryan Flowers, for coming out as a gay half-black, half-Mexican Jew. Inspired by the November 4th Hustler’s article concerning BYX, the head editors of The Slant decided to unearth the organization’s own code of conduct for its staff. Found in the document was a prominent clause which states, “No homos, immigrants, or slaves can write for this paper… bitches!” Subsequently, The Slant had no choice but to honor the code and kick out any and all of their writers that did not meet these qualifications.
Slant Manging Editor Justin Barisich said, “We are not prejudiced or racist; we are just following the rules stated by our founding fathers who started this paper a bunch of years ago when nobody was gay or black. We even found a law stating that Slant writers must abide by the defined rules of No Shave November and, more importantly, No Pants Monday.”
When asked if he thought these by laws antiquated, Mr. Barisich said in a thick Cajun accent, “Why fix what ain’t broke?” Slant Editor-and-Chief discriminator Clay Christain summoned Aryan Flowers to his elegantly decorated Victorian study to give him the pitch to the last story he’d ever write for the Slant.
As confusing as it seems, Flowers, The Slant’s minority white supremacist, understood the need to purify the staff. However, as a gay, half-black, half-Mexican Jewish journalist, he said, “SCREW THE SLANT! No one reads your paper anyway. How many times do you print? What’s that? Yeah, I thought so. In any case, this is clearly a matter of overt discrimination.”
When asked to comment, Christain said, “Quote me as saying ‘no comment.’ I don’t want people thinking I’m some kind of racist bastard”.
Reports show that Flowers has turned in a formal complaint to the Office of the Dean of Students and fully expects an investigation to shut down The Slant. Dean Mark Bandas said, “Another prejudice complaint? Really?” Flowers has also made it clear in his complaint that the fat cats in The Slant have also been known to choose to eat particular things, make friends with certain people and wear certain clothes. Following the guidelines set by Trevor Williams’ November 7th letter to The Hustler, these facts show that Slant staffers are extremely prejudiced. The future of The Slant is unclear at this moment, but Flowers, despite his expulsion, still insists, “[in the end] white power must prevail.”
Move-In Crew
By: Jojackson Igietseme
As part of the “Freshman Experience” Vanderbilt created the Move-In Crew, which helps incoming freshman move into their new rooms. Upon reaching The Commons, freshman and their parents are treated to upperclassman dressed in blue shirts and khakis, eerily reminiscent to Best Buy employees, taking their stuff and moving it up to their rooms, hence the title Move-In Crew. The system is rather efficient though. You drive through the maze like parking lot Vanderbilt has set up, listen to the Move-In Crew shout to to you about how “happy” they are to have you at Vanderbilt. Before you can even tell the Move-In people what they need to take, they’re already carting off your secret stash of alcohol and drugs. Exacerbating the situation is the fact that the elevators can’t be used, so moving in is actually made harder due to the traffic in the stairways. After dropping your stuff off in a pile right in front of the door, the Move-In crew leaves you and your parents to push through the pile of shit, you now regret bringing, and get to your equally depressing room. In theory, this seems like a good idea…until you realize that this doesn’t happen after Move-In day. Once freshman leave the commons, they’ll be forced to move their stuff into their own rooms and unfortunately, if they get Kissam, no elevators to lighten the load. Even more unfortunate is that you now have to move all of your stuff out of the dorms come end of the semester. Like crack, Vanderbilt brings you in nice and then drops you…hard.
It also doesn’t help that 1500 other freshman are also doing this exact same thing, which brings up a plethora of other questions like: How does Vanderbilt manage to get enough upperclassman to man this project? Are upperclassmen just so excited to help freshman move in? Can I add Move-In times to my Commodore Card like Flex meals? Who’s responsible if my stuff breaks? Who’s responsible if my Move-In crew person breaks? All attempts to get in contact with the Office of Housing and Residential Education, to get my questions answered, have been met with failure. Despite the scrutiny the Move-In crew faces from the writer’s at the Slant, the Move-In crew continues to serve the Vanderbilt Community wholeheartedly…unlike YES.
Campus Organizations and Offices at the Top of their Game
The three best O’s on campus (organizations/offices):
Vanderbilt Global Education Office (GEO):
Here at Vanderbilt we are all smart(ish). Because we are smart (or like to think we are), we appreciate puzzles. Sudoku lovers and completers of crosswords in the middle of Economics lectures, look no further for your next riddle fix than the Global Education Office (GEO). These guys love to perplex, baffle and stump the international-minded students of Vanderbilt. Unlike a Sudoku where one fills in numbers, at GEO you fill in your name, financial information, social security number, dog’s name, mother’s grandmother’s cousin’s place of birth and everything else about yourself. After you have completed the forms there are whole new series of hoops (and not the delicious fruity kinds) to jump through before finally you are ready to turn in your application. Even this process can be baffling, as there are multiple due dates (and the secretary at the front tends to get them confused). Now what makes this better than just doing a jigsaw puzzle? At the completion of a jig saw you get a short surge of pride before you realize you haven’t been outside in 3 days. At the completion of your GEO application, you get to go to Hondorus! ¡Buena suerte!
Vanderbilt Commodore Card Office:
One of my favorite things about Vandy is the obvious socio-economic superiority that all of us have. However, every now and then someone of a lesser caliber gets in. The Commodore Card Office is one of the best establishments on campus for then crushing them. Want to wash your clothes? Swipe. Want to print your paper? Swipe. OMG, you’re out of meal money? SWIPE. When students don’t have automatic monies added to their Commodore Card from their parent’s bank accounts, the only way to add Commodore Cash is to go to the card office, itself (which has inconvenient times). Unlike richer students who can add online, automatically and conveniently charging student accounts or credit cards. To make matters better, the CCO doesn’t accept credit cards or debit cards from poor students and limits people to $20 a day. Thus, the less fortunate of our community are forced to wear dirty clothes (there are no change machines by any of the laundry facilities on campus and most Munchie Marts have stopped accepting cash, thus making them also unavailable for change), and pay more for printing (commodore cash payments for printing are several cents cheaper than using cash). Thus, the divide in socio-economic levels prevalent in our community is thankfully maintained. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and smellier.
Vandy Fanatics Student Organization:
The point of this club is to increase Vanderbilt student attendance and enthusiasm at sports events. What makes them awesome is that instead of “Fanatics,” they should really change their name to “Free stuff.” At a recent Vanderbilt Baseball game, Fanatics gave out free Snuggies at a tailgate that was scheduled to start 30 minutes before the game. Fanatics then let people get tickets claiming their spot to get a Snuggie over 2 hours before the game. The students thus left and then came back at the appointed tailgate time to grab their Snuggie only to once again leave. The 5 people who actually went to the baseball game sat uncomfortably in the bleachers, Snuggie-less. As someone who just isn’t that into sports, I can’t think of a better dynamic. Vandy Fanatics are fanatical; but about free t-shirts, Snuggies, beer coozies and jerseys. Go ‘Dores!
Secret Society Spills All
We have all heard of Yale’s Skull and Bones secret society, but not many people have heard of Vanderbilt’s own secret society, the Legion of Gentlemen. The Vanderbilt Slant had me, its very own private investigator Alnever Tell, do an investigation to find out more.
Initially the society was not a secret at all, until an unrelated movie flop by the title The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen forced them underground. From this point on it was the goal of the members to leave a discrete mark on Vanderbilt to retain their everlasting presence. For example there is a recurring theme of “five” throughout the Vanderbilt community. Have you ever wondered why we have five breaks from school: fall, thanksgiving, winter, spring, and summer? Or why there are only five different kinds of fruit at Rand brunch? Or where calls to the (555) area code go? Yeah, that’s right, The Legion of Gentlemen is behind it all. Now the question is how does one actually become a member, and what makes a member?
Requirements include a minimum height of six foot and one-half inch, and a minimum weight of 145 pounds 6 oz, because it is the belief of the societies founders that you need to be able to hold your own in the event you have to fight a vagrant in the streets of Nashville to defend your woman’s honor, because after all they are gentlemen, and a gentlemen always defends his woman. Initiation into the society varies greatly from that of other secret societies throughout the country. After being selected by a secret tribunal, potential members are summoned to a ceremony takes place in an undisclosed location. From what I was able to uncover the ceremony most closely resembled a Festivus celebration. The ceremony includes a dinner, with an airing of grievances against Vanderbilt and the society at large, and feats of strength where potential gentlemen must wrestle one another for entrance into the society.
Luckily I was able to uncover the identities of a surprising number of its members who much to my surprise include a large number of people of a certain celebrity status. The members include: Chancellor Zeppos, the Commodore, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s very own Green Man, Tom Hanks, Jesus, and the cast of The Goonies, just to name a few.
So ladies and gentlemen of the Vanderbilt community if you’ve ever wondered who controls the British crown, or who keeps the metric system down, The Legion of Gentlemen does. If you’ve ever laid awake at night wondering who keeps Atlantis off the maps, or who keeps the Martians under wraps, The Legion of Gentlemen does. Remember Vanderbilt if you want to become a member of the Legion of Gentlemen all you have to do is keep clucking that chicken.
“Inaugural” Meeting of the Caucasiadores
Welcome to the first “official” meeting of this exclusive (and we really mean that) student-run – but historically administration-sanctioned – group, the Caucasiadores! No folks, we are not a new group, but rather, quite aged. We have actually been “underground” at Vanderbilt for the past couple of centuries, but in response to the recent Hustler article stating that the number of minority students at our beloved white-sanctuary has grown uncontrollably, we have decided that it is time for our organization to mobilize…errrr…come out of hiding.
Since this is our first public meeting, we have not yet moved out of the White Cultural Center (WCC) better known as at the top of Kirkland Hall – where we rightfully belong, sitting above everything with all our entitlement – so we will have to show all of you the gigantic mural of George Washington, our founder, at a later date. As the first white president, Washington accomplished an unprecedented feat that is an inspiration to every single Caucasiadore. Do not forget that required Washington-worship begins at 12pm every Wednesday night.
Also, since for some of you this is your first meeting, allow me to give you now an itinerary of how the Caucasiadore meetings are usually run, what we discuss, and what our purpose is as a group. In general, we come together to celebrate, appreciate, and promulgate Caucasian culture, food, and music. Thus, our White Food Wangster makes a weekly run to Whole Foods Market to pick up our favorite white-colored, organic foods, such as: eggs, rice, bread, salt, potatoes, fish filets, onions, chicken strips, pasta, alfredo sauce, and (of course) marshmallows.
While we wash down the essence of whiteness with some white wine, our Technology Wangster tells us about the latest published topics discussed on StuffWhitePeopleLike.com, which serves as our digital handbook on what we are allowed to like. He then gives a slideshow of Apple’s latest electronic devices, as we prefer that company’s products since they have generally remained true to their original white color scheme and the company’s founders are generally more elitist, just like us.
Next, our Public Relations Wangster shows us pictures of where fellow Caucasiadores have traveled recently, reinforcing our ethic of spreading the whiteness across the globe, just as our forefathers had. He also compiles a list of where Caucasiadore alumni now live to assure that they are still partaking in their annual gentrification requirement, as taking back (or over) our land is the only way to assure that it will still be around for our progeny. He is also responsible for handing out over-sized white-T’s to any new members and teaching them the secret “W” hand signal, known only to insider members. In a moment of sheer wisdom, one of our past presidents made the motion to reclaim the white-T as a white man’s garment, once again exhibiting our dominance.
All the while, in the background, our Music Master Wangster is playing the hottest Indie-music tracks from bands that do not even exist yet. His playlist is always top-secret, as he is one of the few people that can predict the musical future. To spice things up, he will randomly mix in tracks from the Lord-T and Eloise album Aristocrunk. These two men are the self-proclaimed “Saviors of Hip-Hop” and have probably created some of the best songs that genre has produced in the past 20 years. They are also an inspiration to all Caucasiadores for conquering a previously minority-controlled musical genre. Besides, we all like to awkwardly stand still at live concerts while they rap about “Million Dollar Boots” or riding to the “Penthouse Suite” in their “Black Limousine.”
At the conclusion of our meetings, we all ride the plush elevator back down to the campus grounds, strap on our helmets, hop on our electric scooters, and attempt to blend in with the masses.
So, we hope that since you now know a little about us, you will be eager to join our organization. Though, even if you do not, your skin color will still allow us to immediately identify you as one of us, and so we shall continue to recruit you until you crack and conform. Besides, since you are technically with us from birth, you do not really have much of a choice, so you might as well get some free food and a free T-shirt out of the deal, right? Think about it. Once you give in, a simple flash of the secret “W” hand-signal will suffice to notify me of your allegiance. Represent.
