Flower-Print Dresses Get All the Stamens Erect

April 5, 2010 By

My fellow students, spring is upon us. Though not in the dog-humping-your-leg kind of upon us (well, not yet at least), the excessive amount of sniffles and throat-clearings ironically act as the cacophonous symphony for the natural introduction to the season of seduction.

As college students, we have the great opportunity to be surrounded by attractive co-eds, all of whom are living within the prime years of their lives. And with the temperatures rising along with the frequency of beautiful, sunny afternoons, we have to do nothing more than simply open our eyes to the cornucopia of human allure that walks in front of us on the way to class or plays Frisbee scantily-clad on Alumni Lawn.

On a purely physical level, I’m not looking forward to having to leave a college campus for the summer just to be rudely confronted by people who are old, ugly, or obese. The real world can be so harsh sometimes. Perhaps I should just walk around without wearing my glasses for the whole summer and thereby blur reality so that I don’t develop any withdrawal symptoms. Ignorance is bliss, and bliss is blur!

Yes, Vandy men, I understand your plight of wanting to take in the sights without looking like a creeper. And though “painting it black” may not best describe what desires arise from such visions, I too see the girls walk by in their summer clothes and must also turn my head until my darkness goes. However, when I did this last week, what I didn’t expect to see was the excessive amount of floral patterns being worn…by a dude!

This wardrobe choice made by girls who are wearing cute, summer dresses with floral designs is more than acceptable, and a summer breeze does, indeed, make me feel fine. But fellas, the most floral you can get away with before your manhood must be checked is the Hawaiian hibiscus flower swimsuit, and that’s only because of its phallic symbolism prominently displayed by the plant’s natural structure. But if you own more than one of those, that’s even pushing it.

However, this kid was rockin’ a pair of flower pants that looked like he stole them from the 60’s section of his dad’s closet that his poppa likes to refer to as his “glory days” department. Moreover, homeboy was wearing a t-shirt overrun with a field of blooming pansies. Now I’ll give a lot of leeway for creative t-shirt designs in the name of “art,” but a field of pansies is just asking for incertitude about which way you swing.

The only acceptable flower shirt that men should be allowed to wear in public must contain on it the manliest flower ever: the Venus Fly Trap. Why is it the manliest and most badass flower, you ask? Well, because it’s freakin’ carnivorous! The Venus Fly Trap lures in its prey with a sweet scent, and when bugs are within striking distance, it clomps on them and digests them for nutrients.

But how effective is this, you may be wondering. Wouldn’t the plant have to wait a while for it’s prey to come to him? Well, let’s just say that this flower never goes hankering for something sweet to sink its teeth into, unlike some of you girly-flower outfit-wearing “men” out there. Maybe it’s about time you learned something from nature and took a page out of the Venus Fly Trap’s book: get your desired one to come to you. Only the smart survive the game of love, gentlemen, and dressing up like a pansy is quite stupid.

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Counterpoint: ASB- Why do nothing when you can do everything?

March 22, 2010 By

ASB is a beautiful mix of uncomfortable sleeping arrangements, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, forced group bonding and service.  What people don’t always realize from outside the ASBubble is that sleeping on the ground can be really good for your back, raspberry jelly can spice up an otherwise tired sandwich, mandatory bonding can be marvelous, and the memories from the lives you touch over the week of ASB are irreplaceable. This year I spent my Spring break in beautiful Beaufort, South Carolina, surrounded by adorable children and the ocean. I got to swing from monkey bars, read children’s books and enjoy the gorgeous palmetto-covered scenery of a state I had never been to before. Besides the fact that one of the students I was working with called me “Meredith” the entire week, it was a great experience. So why do anything else??

Staying at home is for Frosh who miss their Moms or upperclassmen who miss their Mom’s cooking. We get it, the world is scary and returning home makes everything seem smaller and less threatening, but while your friends gain wait over break from their gross overconsumption of beer, you add the extra 5 pounds from cornbread, homemade macaroni and cheese and hours and hours of watching House re-runs. If your response when people ask you what you did over your entire week off of school is “nothing” or “just, you know… hung around,” then you don’t need me to tell you that next year you need to look into better options.

The opposite of staying home, some Spring breakers take the school-free week as an excuse to party on a beach. While fun at the time, it is difficult to deny that the “traditional” Spring break is a really expensive way to only patchily remember a week. Some people think the alcohol and drug-free mantra of ASB is a big ASBummer, but in fact, it’s only the true partiers that take up the ASB challenge. After an entire year’s worth of intense drinking, one’s tolerance reaches a point where it is just too goddamn expense to get drunk anymore. ASB not only lessons the expense of your habit as your body gets to reset, but it proves to your friends every year that you’re not an alcoholic. The rule is not ridiculous it’s refreshing.

Then there are those that stay in Nashville. Visitors to Nashville refer lovingly to the city as Music City, USA, NashVegas, the Athens of the South, Ca$hville, or even the belt buckle of the Bible belt. You know what native Nashvillians call it? Boring. Be more creative with your Spring break next year.

Lastly, there are those that do their own thing. Okay, that’s kind of legit.

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Counterpoint: Go Home- Why do something when you can do nothing?

March 21, 2010 By

The stress of midterms.  The agony of papers.  The torture of having to eat at the Commons for the umpteenth week in a row.  When it was all over, I only wanted to do one thing.  Go party it up with my bros on the beach? No.  Tear it up on the slopes of the Rocky Mountains? Nope.  I wanted to go home.

Now I understand that at this point in the article some of you may be thinking something along the lines of “What a loser?” or “Who is this little bitch?” or maybe even “What is this newspaper?” All valid questions, but if you find yourself asking those questions, I could care less if you read this anyway.

But the question remains, why would I want to return home? Well, as a lowly freshman….ahem, “first-year”…..such as myself, I still sort of enjoy going back.  I know that some people may argue that the beach or the mountains are “FREAKIN SWEET” or that their parents would take away their freedom that they have so enjoyed over the past months, but there is way too much upside to going home.

First, home is cheap.  Spring Break trips can get really expensive, really fast.  Beach house/cabin + equipment rental + food + select beverages = $$$ that I don’t have.  Food is the real killer for me.  They don’t take meal plan outside of Vanderbilt.  Believe me.  I have tried.  However, parents are the ultimate meal plan.  You don’t have to swipe your card, but dinner will still be on the table.  As much as I think I love Chef James and the Wok, nothing beats a home-cooked meal.  Well, maybe one of Beatrice’s Randwiches.  Those sandwiches are definitely made with love.

Second, it’s much safer to go home.  You know how they say that most accidents occur within a few miles of one’s home?  Over spring break, it’s entirely the opposite.  Most accidents over spring break tend to happen in some far away location with the help of some liquid courage after someone says something along the lines of “Oh, yeah, back-flipping off that huge wall would be an awesome idea!” or “Dude, we should totally climb up the side of the pier…”  And don’t even get me started about skiing.  You are strapping thin planks to your feet and skiing down a mountain of frozen water, barely squirting past large trees and other fellow skiers.  Whoever thought that sport was a smart idea in the first place obviously had some sort of brain injury, or at least received one shortly thereafter (Oddly enough, pine trees aren’t as soft as some people make them out to be).

Back at the beach there are a myriad of hidden dangers, especially the three S’s: Sunburns, Sharks, and Sand.  Sunburns and sharks alone are bad enough, but sand is the sneaky killer.  It gets everywhere.  I’m not exaggerating.  You know exactly what I am talking about.  I still find sand in shoes, sandals, luggage, and regions of my body from my excursion to Florida last summer.  I will never again underestimate the annoyance of a single grain of sand.  You know that feeling where you know something is wrong, but you can’t figure out what it is?  It’s probably a piece of sand lodged inside your ear or some other orifice that you will never, I repeat, NEVER be able to get out.

But seriously, what is better than sitting around doing nothing for an entire week except napping and watching movies with your friends from back home?  Nothing comes to mind.  Well, maybe jet-skis.  Or sand volleyball.  Or sunsets over the ocean.  Or warm weather.  Oh.  Maybe I need to rethink things a bit…..

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Spring Break Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Get What You Want

February 28, 2010 By

Ah, Spring Break. Those wonderful words bring up images of the Bahamas, cruises, Destin, tanned ladies and lads, enough booze to leave frat parties in the dust, and parties—on beaches, in clubs, in bars (especially the one where you lose your fake), in hotel rooms—Spring Break is one big pre-summer, essentially. Since it’s only a week, and once you get back you actually have to use your brain again (sad thought, and no, I’m not thinking about it either), you have to carefully pack and plan ahead. Sometimes, however, we don’t always come up with all the right necessities. Thus, I give you my ideal ****SPRING BREAK PACK**** (feel free to say that in an echoing voice similar to God’s character in Monty Python and the Holy Grail)! I’m dividing up into 4 main areas: booze, tans, food, parties, and babes. Have fun, be safe, get hammered—you know the drill.

  • Booze: What a wonderful elixir. But sometimes, it leaves you a bit broke. So bring your own in the car with you (if you’re flying, lo siento hermanito, but you’re gonna have to suck it up and buy it there), and be sure to bring a variety. No one likes a week of Taaka if they don’t have to have it. So, bring:
    • Whatever variety of booze your group likes (Rum is ALWAYS a favorite, if you forget it you’ll get a few horrified looks, and don’t forget a decent kind of beer—aka, nothing you’d find typically at frat row)
    • Enough coozies to represent the preppiness of Vandy
    • Coolers
    • Money for ice
    • Mixers
    • More Solo cups than you think you’ll need
    • Fake ID (if you’re underage, or just feel weird about people knowing your real name).
    • Your (or your mother’s) best hangover cure.
  • Tans: I consider this the “attempt at sober adventures” part of the budget. Shopping at strip malls, raiding the Waves megastores for henna tattoos and skimpy bikinis, anything random you could possibly splurge on. And if you’re not at the beach, don’t fret—there are plenty of things to do where you’re going (or why else would you even leave Ca$hVille) so research what locals like to do (it’s just a matter of a few minutes on Google) and plan accordingly.
    • Beach: suntan lotion, chapstick with sunblock (lips + 2nd degree sunburn = bad memory), aloe for when you forget to put enough sunscreen on, aspirin for when you get the 2nd degree sunburn and are stuck inside playing Monopoly (bring that, too) the rest of the time, towels, flip flops, those stupid beach toys if you *really* wanna look touristy
    • Elsewhere: suntan lotion, chapstick with sunblock (you won’t think you’ll need either—you’ll need both), and whatever else you think you might not need or your mom would say to pack. What, I’m not a fucking travel agent here, you expect me to know *exactly* where you’re going?!
  • Food: Yes, believe it or not, you do have to eat. Since you’re on vacay, and probably at a place that has *some* kind of tourist level, they’re jacking up the prices whether you like it or not. So be sure you have plenty of dough for food (and maybe pay for dinner once or twice for that random hookup from Bama).
    • Lots and lots and lots of snacks. Multiply your drunk munchie quantity amount by how many days you’re gone and how many people are going….
    • Bring food (or buy it there) if you really think one of you won’t be too drunk or hungover to cook. If not, just make sure you have enough in your budget to buy about $50 worth of food a day. Sounds like a lot, but remember, you’re on vacay.
  • Parties: This is the nice way of allocating the money and supplies you think you won’t need when you realize there’s a huge hole in the wall, the couch is broken, the sink is spurting water, and the window is shattered—all thanks to last night’s party in the condo you’re renting. Yes, prevention/accident budget. Because even we at The Slant think you should be somewhat respectful…somewhat.
    • Enough money to cover a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad disaster (Or access to money, or know where to get that kind of loan).
    • The number to the manager of the hotel / maintenance at the condo.
    • A prepared speech to ask your parents for money to fix said destroyed room.
    • Duct tape (to fix it if it moves and shouldn’t).
    • WD40 (to fix it if it doesn’t move and should).
  • Babes: Whether you’re brining one or planning on grabbing one (or two…or a few), you have to plan ahead for hookups. Cause it’s spring break, and it’s gonna happen.
    • Condoms. Lots of them. It doesn’t matter if you go for cheap ones, warming ones, French ticklers, Trojan Magnums, or the new Lady GaGa & Jeremy Scott for Proper Attire condoms—they come in pink, orange, and green animal print and in sheer, ribbed, and studded.
    • Money for Plan B. Shit happens.
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So Far Gone is How I’ll be at Rites of Spring

February 28, 2010 By

The Rites of Spring line up has been announced: Ben Harper and the Relentless7, Melanie Fiona, Doug E. Fresh, Passion Pit, Cold War Kids, and Drake. Wait! Drake…as in Drake Bell from Drake and Josh or Francis Drake, the swashbuckling pirate of the seven seas. If you were thinking any of the above, you were wrong. The Drake performing at Rites of Spring is none other than Aubrey Drake Graham; better known as Drizzy Drake by overzealous fans, Drake by the tabloids and Jimmy Brooks the wheelchair kid from the hit Canadian show. The writers at The Slant have a slew of nicknames we’d prefer to call him, but we feel that “That rapper who got one more Grammy nomination than Soulja Boy Tell’em” would only serve to switch Mr. Tell’em’s attention from his “successful” rap career to our measly newspaper. Despite this, The Slant believes that the Vanderbilt community deserves to know who exactly this seemingly talented entertainer is.

Born and raised in Toronto, Canada, similar to where every other rapper began their successful careers, Drake’s boyish charm and bass deficient voice scored him the role as Jimmy Brooks on the Canadian high school drama Degrassi. In the show, Brooks is a basketball star who became physically disabled after he was shot in the back by a classmate. Possibly seeing the end to his stint on television, Drake released his first mixtape on Myspace prompting me to wonder how one decides to go from Canadian television star to Myspace mixtape releaser, but because this was a Myspace release, the jump couldn’t have been but so far. Drake’s role on the show ended in 2009, when his character finally graduated from Degrassi High…at the age of 23; proving that Canadian television producers couldn’t get over the fact that real Canadian schools allow people to stay in high school until the age of 24. This did a lot for Drake, considering the majority of kids on Myspace were probably in high school during this time.

Regardless, Drake skyrocketed to success off of his many mixtapes, none of which can be downloaded while on campus, which leads me to believe that there are many of us on campus who still have a Myspace account. Nonetheless, the positive reviews Drake received led him to be signed with Lil Wayne’s recording label, “Young Money.” This ragtag group of rappers consists of a slew of colorfully named characters like Nicki Minaj, Gudda Gudda, Tyga, Lil’ Twist, Mack Maine and Lil Chuck. Luckily Drake was spared a ridiculous nickname that seems so characteristic of this group.

Despite his lackluster early career, unimpressive upbringings and lack of a studio album, Drake surprisingly puts out good music. His use of metaphors and punchlines combined with his clever usage of words, Lil Way…I mean Drake is an unusually talented rapper. His influence spreads from Facebook statuses, to Twitter posts and pretty soon, according to Drake, he’ll be “All up in yo slot til a —– hit the jackpot.” Of course this article doesn’t really do much to help since only about 8% of this entire campus really knows who he is or cares.

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