Armando Galarraga’s Near-Perfect Game Destroys America

June 2, 2010 By

Few times every generation there comes a defining moment where the world begins to tear apart at its hinges. Fort Sumter. Franz Ferdinand. Pearl Harbor. Julius Caesar. Yavin IV. Mark down June 2, 2010 as two words: he’s safe.

Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga had a perfect game with one out left when umpire Jim Joyce called the last batter safe (when he was clearly out). Clearly not trying to capitalize on Google search hits (Ken Griffey Jr. retires after 22 seasons, Flyers beat Blackhawks in game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Joe Sestak offered White House job by Bill Clinton), The Slant and I are going to break down the importance of this event to the world.

First of all, the legal proceedings filed on behalf of the city of Detroit are going to entirely clog the American judicial system. It will take years and trillions of dollars for the Supreme Court to come to the decision that robot umpires will be necessary to overrule human error. It will take even more time and effort for these robot umpires to be developed, tested and implemented into the MLB. However this is nowhere near the biggest problem.

It is common knowledge that Israelis are staunch Tigers fans. Unfortunately, Palestinians and Turks tend to favor anything that makes Detroit suffer because of a grudge involving a burned chicken sandwich. Soon war will break out in the Middle East as a result of this umpire’s bad call.

War in the Middle East will draw the attention to a weak foreign policy stance by the American Government. Baseball fans will lead the political campaigns, and Derek Jeter will be elected President of the United States. Secretary of Defense Shaquille O’Neal will begin launching covert strikes on America’s enemies, but the now ESPN-controlled state media will not be reporting it.

On a whim, Iranian leaders will launch a nuclear device at Detroit on the basis that umpires have the final say, and Iran is all for that kind of power. With Detroit destroyed, President Jeter will at first congratulate Iran for helping clean up, but then realize that America has a bit of a problem, change his mind and begin bombing the country with a slew of F-22s “because they were in Transformers.” Unfortunately, a rogue general will take this order to eradicate all of Afghanistan and Pakistan as well “because that’s how it works in Modern Warfare [2].”

With its enemies destroyed, Americans will then turn on themselves for a reason they can’t really remember. After brutally murdering every one another, the Europeans will re-colonize America with an establishment at Plymouth Rock. Within the century, the colonists will revolt because of unfair text message taxation.

This future just goes to show you that Baseball is really a lot more important than everyone thinks.

Is this the face of the apocalypse?

Is this the face of the apocalypse?

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A.J. Ogilvy Graduates to the Big Leagues of the NHL

April 19, 2010 By

This past Thursday Vanderbilt’s star center AJ Ogilvy announced that he would skip his final season in the NCAA in order to enter the NBA draft.  However an unfortunate clerical error has instead put the 6’ 11’’ Australian up for consideration in the NHL draft.
Ogilvy was reportedly angered by the error at first, but in a recent press conference says he’s looking forward to a change of pace, “I mean in the NHL they don’t even have rebounds, so nobody can get mad a t me for not getting them!  Plus apparently in the NHL if you get angry at somebody, you can just hit them in the face.  I think I’ll enjoy doing that.”
The NHL says that they’re very glad to have Ogilvy in the draft.  According to one NHL representative, “Well, his form raised a few eyebrows when we noticed he wasn’t from Canada, and that he had apparently scored 13 points per game in college.  But right now we’ve really only got enough players for the first round so we took him.”
While Ogilvy has spent most of the past three years playing basketball with the commodores, but he feels confident he can figure hockey in time for the June draft.  “It shouldn’t be too hard,” says Ogilvy, “From everything I’ve read it just sounds like boxing on skates.”
NHL teams are very excited at the prospect of having Ogilvy on their squad.  According to Edmonton Oiler’s coach Pat Quinn, “He’s a really athletic guy and we can really see him being able to step in to any position once he learns to skate.  I mean as long as the guy can hold a stick and throw a punch, we can use him.”
Ogilvy would be in good company, as fellow Australian Wayne Gretzky also decided to join up with the NHL on a whim.  The Great One recalled fondly, “Yeah I had been running track for LSU and I wanted to play a sport that wouldn’t be so hot.  So I joined the NHL because I heard they play on ice… the rest is history.”

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Washington Nationals Fail to Sign President Obama to Contract

April 18, 2010 By

As March 5th approached, many players from around the majors were looking ahead to opening day and the first game of a very long season (we’re going to label the New York/Boston game the night before as “ESPN Marketing Bullshit” rather than ‘The Season Opener”). The “Ace” pitchers were ready to take the mound for their respective teams… but there was one exception. Barack Obama, also known as The President, took the mound to start for the Washington Nationals in their home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies.

This was neither a mistake nor a joke; there was actually a method to this madness. After all, it’s been no secret that the Nationals have had their eye on the Obama ever since the two parties fatefully landed in Washington nearly simultaneously back in 2005. In the midst of the 2007 season, when it was quite apparent that the Nationals had no chance of any sort of success for that season (so in like, early May or something), the franchise began to seriously work towards a long-term contract with Obama. The (at that time) Senator dragged the dealings out, however, claiming he had “better possibilities in his near future.” In any case, no deal was struck.

Talks were idled, what little hopes there were for the franchise wilted, and the Nationals entrenched themselves into two more years of pathetic baseball. In 2009, however, they moved again. The organization realized that Obama was the perfect man to head up their rotation. With little to no baseball skill and a questionable reputation, the Nationals simply had to get him on their team. All through the 2009 season, when other teams were focusing on other, less important things such as “winning,” the Nationals were pursuing their man – Barack Obama.

Opening Day, 2010 marked the culmination of yet another failure by the Washington Nationals. Obama threw out one pitch as if to say “goodbye forever, baseball!” and left the field soon after. When asked why the deals broke down, both sides had differing views. On one ocassion Obama was reported as saying, “The money simply wasn’t good enough – they wanted me to take a cut. Obviously, they think I’m either a great president or a horrible pitcher.” The Nationals said, however, “The deal breaker came in all the small clauses he tried to sneak by us… [he] wanted to change the name to the ‘Washington O’Bombers.’ I mean, we’re the Nationals, and even we know that sounds stupid.” Thus ended all hopes of a new face in the rotation and headlines reading “Obama Leaves Washington; Heads for Washington.”

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Tiger Woods Comes up Short at Augusta, in Bedroom

April 18, 2010 By

After 144 days away from the PGA tour to deal with “Pressing Family Issues” or what we call in the hood, a 3 iron to the grill, Eldrick “Tiger” Woods returned the golf course. The media was abuzz with excitement, and many predicted(including myself) that he would runaway with the tournament. Yet despite the roars from the crowds and the endless ovations, Tiger failed to deliver. What!?! Somehow the paragon of golf fitness and physique, lost to some fat white dude with a semi-mullet. What is the world coming to? Next thing you know, some short white foreign guy will win NBA MVP, or the Mets will rise out of the doldrums and win the World Series. What’s that? Vandy made it past the first round this year? No? Shucks. Ok Tiger, you’re off the hook.

I mean from all accounts, this is your first Masters in recent memory when your bevy of brunettes, bouquet of blondes, and ruck of redheads was not waiting for you at the 20th hole with an assortment of “amenities”. Maybe we need to do more than forgive Tiger. It was reported that Wilt Chamberlain had relations with over 10,000 women, and this obviously helped him score 100 points in a single game. Tiger was only in the 20s and is on the cusp of breaking the Golden Bear’s record for Majors. Think of the possibilities for Mr. Woods if he weren’t so conservative, his stats would be on par(my apologies) with those of Best Korea’s aka North Korea’s Kim Jong Il. Mr. Il is known for his superior golf game and hits a hole in one three or four times a round! We all know he has an entire country of mistresses.

Maybe the speculation that marriage is holding Tiger back is only true, if the marriage holds him back from cheating on his wife. Personally, we need more guys like Tiger Woods, seemingly perfect yet horribly tarnished. Fat drunk John Daly isn’t very exciting, thats your typical NASCAR fan who can drive the ball 500 yds. We need a Roger Federer incident, with some working ladies in Amsterdam. Or a Jimmie Johnson with some Waffle House waitresses. It is almost a guarantee that Peyton Manning would not have thrown that pick six in the Super Bowl had he been cheating on his wife. Why else would the Saints be so confident? Heck even Tom Brady stopped winning after he made up his mind and became loyal. All I am saying is, when someone is so loyal to a sport or anything for that matter, they need to be disloyal in some other aspect of their life. Keaunu Reeves’ acting career never truly blossomed until he gave up on the acting part. Heck, even Barack Obama wasn’t able to save America until he gave trillions to those destitute banks and Wall st. Firms.

All that being said, Tiger will come back with a renewed vigor and strength in the next two majors. These are courses where he has won by the course record while not even breaking a sweat(possibly because he knew he’d be breaking a sweat later). So in order to restore the Order in the golf world, let us hope that Tiger recalls some of his fonder moments in life, when he was not tethered to his gorgeous wife or adorable kids, but to some homely looking Perkin’s cashiers or Home Depot garden experts. Despite all this I am glad to know that a talented golfer with a beautiful wife was able to stay competitive and faithful at the same time, even when his rack is bigger than hers. Oh well, hopefully Tiger can roar come June.

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Everyone Surprised by Duke’s Win

April 6, 2010 By

This year’s NCAA tournament went out with a bang as cinderella story Duke University captured its very first NCAA title this decade. Those following the tournament were already thrilled to see the formerly unknown school reach the Final Four for the first time in well over 5 years. On Monday the Blue Devils finally reached their storybook ending when they took down perennial goliath Butler University.

According to Blue Devil fans, simply making it into this years tournament was a victory in and of itself. Coach Mike Krzyzewski recalls, “The whole campus went nuts on selection Sunday, I mean it had been almost 364 days since any Duke team had made it in to the big dance… they were just ecstatic.”

When the tournament got underway the Blue Devils had only one goal: to prove that they could hang with the best in the nation. The players were all a little star-struck as they took the court against Arkansas- Pine Bluff in the first round, but they were able to overcome the stage fright and somehow put together a 29 point win.

Center Brian Zoubek says that victory boosted his team’s confidence greatly, “I mean, after we saw that we could play with Tavaris Washington and the rest of the Golden Lions, we started to feel like we really belong here.”

As the tournament wore on, many began to wonder just when the clock would strike midnight for these cinderellas, but somehow the Blue Devils kept on winning. They squeaked past Baylor by only the slimmest of double digit margins to make it into the elite eight. Looking back on the tournament run, Coach Krzyzewski recalls, “This is where I really started to feel like, you know, this is really happening. I mean I’ve only got 12 elite eight trips under my belt, and only 11 of those resulted in a final four bid… I had no idea how to approach this situation. This was uncharted territory for all of us.”

But the basketball gods were smiling on Krzyzewski and his ragtag team of incredibly talented athletes. After making it to the Final Four, Duke prevailed over West Virginia in a nail-biting, nerve wracking, heart attack inducing, no-overtime, 21 point victory that is sure to go down as one of the greatest tournament games of all time.

Heading into Monday’s game, Duke players and fans alike were more nervous than ever. They knew that history was not on their side, as the Butler Bulldogs had never before been defeated in NCAA final’s history.

The Blue Devils managed to reverse this trend though, upsetting the Bulldogs 61-59 in a game reminiscent of another famous Bulldog loss. Georgetown mascot Jack the Bulldog could not help but be reminded of his team’s 1985 loss to Villanova in the NCAA finals. Jack could only send his condolences to the Butler players saying, “I can imagine what those guys are going through, I’d say that this upset is about on par with our ’85 loss, both in shock value and in overall devastation.”

Butler coach Brad Stevens says if he could do it all again, he would have done much more to prepare for what his team thought would be an easy win. “I mean, when you’re going up against some unknown team like Murray State or Duke, its really easy to just look past them and be thinking about the next game. We really underestimated these guys, but what can I say, with these smaller schools, you never know what you’re getting into.”

This victory tastes especially sweet to all of the Duke players who passed up scholarship offers from other more established programs to play in Durham. Guard Jon Scheyer: “Sure, back when I was in high school, I had been recruited by all those great teams I watched as a kid, like Butler and Lehigh and even East Tennessee State… but there was something about this Duke program that really attracted me. I don’t know what it was about coach K, but something told me that even though I had never heard of him, this man knew how to win an NCAA tournament. It may have been those four championship rings he wore during practices… whatever it was, I sure am glad I decided to come to Duke.”

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The Bracket Racket: Obamacares Not About Vanderbilt

March 21, 2010 By

Last Tuesday President Barack Obama revealed his distaste for all but one of the 65 schools in this year’s NCAA tournament by predicting that only Kansas would make it through the month undefeated.  Like most Americans, Obama made his picks based solely on his feelings on each school, giving no consideration whatsoever to their basketball prowess.

After filling out his bracket many of Obama’s top aids were surprised that the President would so blatantly pick teams based on his own personal feelings.  When asked if he perhaps should have considered the strength of each school’s basketball program, Obama reportedly responded, “Basketball?  Weren’t you guys just asking me to rank how much I liked each of these places?”

And indeed Barack’s bracket simply indicates the amount of love the President feels towards the area of the country containing each of the competing schools.  For example, Wisconsin secured itself a ticket to the, “Sweet sixteen,” by giving Obama their electoral votes in 2008, whereas Houston, Sam Houston, UTEP, and North Texas all secured themselves first round losses when Texas voted for McCain.

Many students at Vanderbilt University were angered when Obama called for Murray State to take down the Commodores in the first round.  According to sources close to the President, this decision was based on a combination of, “A man who once cut Obama off while driving in Nashville, and a great turkey sandwich [Obama] ate during a campaign stop in Murray, Kentucky.”

While Obama did end up correctly predicting the Murray State upset, not all of his preference-based picks turned out to mirror the basketball tournament.  The President reportedly had a, “Great time,” speaking at Notre Dame’s graduation last spring, and therefore decided that he liked that school far better than Old Dominion University.  However during the actuall basketball game, ODU overcame what Obama describes as, “One butt-ugly campus,” to defeat Notre Dame 51-50.

Those that know Obama best were not at all surprised to see the leader of the free world pick Kansas as his absolute favorite team.  Obama has always loved the entire state of Kansas, thinking it to be far superior than any other state in the country.  Said Obama, “Kansas is just an incredible place.  Those gorgeous rolling planes, the most beautiful, kind-hearted people in the world, and of course that metropolitan mecca that is Kansas City.  Hands down the best state ever, I love them way more than any of these other shitholes.”

While not everyone knew about the President’s love of all things Kansas, Obama does very little to hide his feelings for the state.  Obama reportedly likes to eat dinner once a week with the congressional delegation from the Sunflower State.  According to first lady Michelle, “Yeah, Barack looks forward to that dinner all week, he even wears his special Kansas themed pajamas the night before to get ready.”  Obama also reportedly likes to dot his eyes with little sunflowers, and keeps a Western Medowlark (The Kansas state bird) in the oval office.

Students at Kansas State University felt jilted that Obama would only pick one of the state’s schools to win the tournament.  One student told reporters that, “If Obama actually loved the state of Kansas, then he would have picked both of us to win in his bracket.  Its just total BS, how can he say that we’re a good school, and then turn around and say that we might lose a basketball game?  Insane.”

More than anyone else though, the Northern Iowa University Panthers felt personally offended when Obama decided that he likes Kansas better than their school in the second round of his bracket.  Iowa senator Chuck Grassley said his state felt personally offended by Obama’s decision.  “I mean sure Kansas is nice but we do everything we can to be Barack’s friend!  We send him baskets filled with delicious corn, my wife gave Michelle her world famous conbread recipie, we even invited him over to play Wii bowling with us!  Why don’t you like us Barack?!  Why!?”

On Saturday the Panthers decided to take matters into their own hands by beating Kansas in a basketball game.  Coach Ben Jacobson had some choice words for Obama after the game, saying, “Take that you big stupid head!” and sticking out his tongue.

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Sports that Aren’t Olympic Sports, but Should be

March 1, 2010 By

During every Olympic season, there are always several questions about the interesting array of sports that come up. What exactly is skeleton? How exactly does one Curl? More importantly, if these seemingly random sports can be considered Olympic sports, why can’t we add a few more? Here are a few ideas for some more competitive games to compete in:

Quidditch

Quidditch has made its way onto many college campuses, and into many of our hearts, so why shouldn’t it be an Olympic sport? Of course, the United Kingdom would kick ass, given that they have Harry Potter and friends on their team…but we should give the world a chance to play this epically amazing sport. Flying sticks, flying balls—it’s basically men’s wrestling anyway, so let’s just add it!

WWE Wrestling

Ok, so we’ve already got wrestling—but let’s be honest, it’s a little too realistic. Wrestling isn’t much fun to watch without screaming, skin-tight costumes, and a dramatic touch of complete fakeness (yes, wrestling is fake…sorry if that was a spoiler). WWE-style wrestling would be entertaining, athletic (sort of), and an overall great contribution to the Olympic games.

Beer Shotgunning

So, this has technically never been deemed a sport, and the Olympic Committee probably wouldn’t approve it, considering all kinds of ethical rules. But, think about it: it takes stamina, speed, strength, and an overall competitive attitude. When you consider all of the college students spending their time shotgunning beers in their ten-by-ten dorm rooms, it makes you wonder why they’re not out their showing off their talents.

Interpretive Dance

Most people love watching the ice dancing competition, which is, of course, a classic. But where’s the interpretive element? It’s important to know what people are actually thinking throughout the music, on and off the ice. There are many types of dance, but everyone seems to forget about interpretive, so let’s bring it to the Olympics, Summer AND Winter.

Farmville

Alright…realistically, this will never be an Olympic game. But, it’s competitive, it awards points for successes, it’s ridiculously popular for no apparent reason, and it’s accessible to all countries. So, in theory, it’s the perfect addition to the Summer games. If you think about it, it’s basically like curling: everyone likes it, but no one knows why.

So, by the time 2012 rolls around (or, maybe more realistically, 2036 by the time they take our suggestions), hopefully someone will add these spectacular and popular games and sports to the Olympics. Why not, right?

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Winter Olympics experience Seasonal Affective Disorder

February 28, 2010 By

A petition filed by a grassroots international coalition to move the Winter Olympics to a more favorable season, Spring, has been voted on and approved by the International Olympic Committee. Although general initial response was surprise and dismay, upon further consideration fans, athletes and television networks are excited.

“Honestly, it’s cold and boring here,” one fan lamented at the Vancouver games. Some argued that that’s just Canada, but consultation of viewing numbers and a survey of fans revealed otherwise. In the US, American Idol still had higher numbers than the Olympics, meaning that America, so presumably the world, thrives on mediocrity and petty drama. “Having the Olympics in the spring would allow for an MTV Spring Break-esque atmosphere at the Games. There’d be hookups and breakups galore, plenty of backstabbing, and we know all the athletes look great in swimwear,” an Olympic official told this Slant reporter. It has also been rumored that Jersey Shore’s ‘The Situation’ has been hired as a consultant on this social aspect of the Games to report in 2014.

The athletes are pumped about this new era as well, because the events are staying the same despite the move. The ice skaters will have to quadruple lutz over holes in the ice, hockey players can push each other into the water instead of checking, luge and skeleton will more so resemble giant water slides and skiers will have to avoid grass patches. These modifications will challenge the athletes mentally and physically, adding a new dimension to their game. Furthermore, the sheer danger and stupidity of the sports now are not only interesting, but captivating, appealing to everybody’s reckless side. “I’m so stoked for these Games. I’ve never shredded a half-pipe with melting snow before, but it’s just going to add to my skills. Some say it’s impossible, I say I’m Shaun White,” America’s favorite red-head since Little Orphan Annie said.

NBC is so excited about the move that they filed a subsequent petition moving for the Olympics to be held every spring, flatly denying accusations that this was filed to further avoid coming up with programming to fill their gaping schedule and help their horrendous ratings. Despite motivations, everybody can agree: these new Olympics are brilliant – part reality show, part stupid human tricks, part international cooperation and copulation. Everything America loves and more.

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Winter Olympic Sports Finally Explained! Sort of….

February 26, 2010 By

The Olympics are widely celebrated throughout the world as a time for all the people of the world to come together, hold hands, and try to embarrass each other in competitive blood sports. As a good American citizen, I of course take pride in my country’s near literal rape of other countries in sports that I didn’t even know existed (or in some cases even counted as a sport). Thus in order to make my nationalist screams more appropriate I decided to actually watch the events this Winter Olympics, rather than just checking the medal count and screaming U!S!A! What I discovered, truly shocked me, the Winter Olympics sports are even stranger than the Summer Olympics and their speed walking events. Here is my quick overview of some of the odder sports:

Curling: First Reactions aside (This is a sport?!?!) this is actually pretty exciting to watch (despite the fact that I’m pretty sure the only physical requirement is to bend over by 20 degrees and afford a new pair of shoes). Now I’m not entirely sure if I’m saying that because it is on everyday from like noon to 4pm while I sit in Rand or because I get to make really really sexist jokes about women and sweeping. Regardless of the reason, I find myself screaming at the T.V. as the rock, I’m pretty sure that’s a technical term, slowly slides down the ice. It’s nice to see a sport that finally settles the age old debate of what shuffleboard would look like if it was played on ice by a bunch of maids. I know that’s been the burning question that kept we awake at night for the last twenty years.

Couples Ice Dancing: This sport is surprisingly only the third most homosexual sport at the Winter Olympics, sitting behind Men’s ice skating and another sport listed below. Still I’m really disappointed with ice dancing, it’s just like ice skating but without the cool tricks and spins. Can we please just say a big WTF? Did the ice skaters feel like they weren’t ridiculed enough already? I mean really, how does this conversation go down at the bar?

Girl: “Oh cool so you can do really cool trick’s on the rink?”

‘Male’ Ice Dancer: “Hahaha, well no I mean I can go in circles… and smile to the judges…. At least I get to wear sequins that make me feel pretty! Stop judging me!!!”

Snowboarding: This was simply a great idea. American’s suck at skiing, so we decided to invent the snowboard, lobby for it to be in the Olympics really hard and then collect more metals than an ironsmith. Fuck you Norway.

Two Man Luge: Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t really understand the finer “athletic” points of the luge, or skeleton, or bobsled. But common sense tells me that in the case of the luge two men is not better than one. Two men lying on top of each other and flying down a tube reminds me more of the birth of twins than an athletic event. Furthermore this sport definitely wins the homosexuality competition. I just wish I knew how this sport was started. I can only imagine something like this:

Guy 1: “Wow that was really fun going sledding!”

Guy 2: “Yeah it sure was!”

Guy 1: “You know what would be even more fun?!?!”

Guy 2: “No, what’d you have in mind?”

Guy 1: “Well how about we go sledding again but this time you lay your body flat on top of mine and I’ll hold you steady with my peni—I mean with my legs. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Guy 2: “Umm, I don’t know…. It sounds kind of…..”

Guy 1: “Come on, I’ll even let you be on the bottom the next time!”

Thus the birth of a new sport. At least this gives me hope that I can create my own sport and become an Olympic athlete at some point in my life. That’s right folks, get ready for the 2014 Olympics to introduce the Naked Skeleton. I get the feeling the IOC would dig that kind of sport, if the most recent trends are any indication.

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Danica Patrick to make NASCAR Debut next Weekend at Daytona

February 7, 2010 By

Danica Patrick to make NASCAR Debut next Weekend at Daytona

By Joe Souter- Chief of Your Unshaven Pit Crew

Fear not sports fans, with NFL season fading faster than Bret Favre’s career and MLB baseball just a steroid shrunken testicle on the horizon, two sports will tide us all over into April: a bunch of old fuddy-duddy’s swinging away at Tiger Woods’s distant records, and a crew of imbeciles with lead feet chasing Jimmy Johnson around a track filled with trailer trash. In other words, we’re fucked. But fear not, making an appearance at Daytona next weekend, driving the GoDaddy.com car. But what does this mean for racing in general?

Basically, it means that someone not named Jeff Gordon might be speaking English in a post race interview. Also, it is expected that Patrick will have a second mirror installed for checking her makeup and lipstick, since her career is clearly founded on image over performance. That’s right, Patrick has won one race in five years, but was voted most popular driver in four of those years. In other words, Indy car fans are horny. NASCAR is hoping the same for its fans, as they have exempt Patrick from wearing the standard flame proof suit, instead telling her she should wear the same thing she wears in all of her commercials: as little as possible. Next weekend will be driving crashing the number 69 GoDaddy.com car (let me save you the five minutes, it’s not a porn site) for JR motorsports. Vegas has put the spread on Patrick crashing somewhere between the second and third wardrobe change, while odds-maker is taking bets on just how many wardrobe changes there will be.

Several drivers have expressed concern over having a woman on the track, though most say they’ll treat her like any other driver. Robby Gordon was just excited to be in the same building with a woman, though there are rumors Patrick has already filed a restraining order. Tony Stewart remarked that “[He’d] run up her rear any day”.

Dale Earnhardt Jr., on the other hand, was not so keen on the idea. Jr. will likely pick up a sizeable fine this week for his misunderstood remark, “I’d hit that”. Joining Earnhardt is Jimmie Johnson, “I just don’t understand where we’re taking the sport. I mean, we’ve all seen them out on the road; the next step will be to let Asians in, and that’s the point where I no longer feel safe out there anymore.” However, Juan Pablo Montoya may have summed things up best with, “No hablo ingl es”.

With all this hub-bub around NASCAR, only one thing is certain: APRIL cannot come soon enough.

Danica Patrick to make NASCAR Debut next Weekend at Daytona

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