By Zach Wright

In the midst of last weeks iPad controversy (extra absorbent iPod; now with wings) you may have noticed the five inches of snow that uncharacteristically fell on Nashville.  Besides a few Donner Party-esque incidents where sorority girls ended up eating each other (only to vomit it back up; what a waste), everyone seemed to enjoy the snow.  Now, I like watching people slip and fall as much as the next person, but the recent “Death Blizzard of 2010” as its now being called, threw into stark relief how underprepared Vanderbilt’s students are for other potential catastrophes.  So while you were frolicking on alumni lawn; your liquor jacket shielding you from the cold (and dignity), I was preparing for other upcoming disasters:

1. Dinosaur break out; clever girl.  If you don’t get that reference, go watch all the “Jurassic Park” movies, expect for the one with William H. Macy.  Screw that morose bastard.  William, if you are reading this, you still have my garden hose and leaf blower, and I kind of need those back.  Thanks.  Now, normal weapons won’t work, so if we want to survive we’ll need to incorporate some unorthodox tactics.  I suggest sending wave after wave of freshman to attack the reptilian beasts until they are satiated.  Then hopefully they will leave us alone, and more housing will be open in the Commons.
2. Nuclear winter.  You think it’s cold now?  In this disaster scenario, we’d probably have to barricade ourselves in our dorms to escape the extreme temperatures and radioactive particles.  Unfortunately, there is no liquor jacket for radiation.  On the bright side, Geiger counters make excellent accessories for you Vandy girls out there.  Plus everyone that had classes in “Old Gym” probably has cancer from all the asbestos in there anyway.  So go nuts you history of art fans!
3. Mad Max style death race.  Now, you are probably saying, “Zach, I doubt I’ll ever find myself in a death race” to which I’ll respond “we’ll see who’s laughing when I’m chasing you with my battle wagon”.  Just something for you haters to think about.  I actually believe that Vanderbilt is pretty well prepared for this one.  With how affluent Vanderbilt’s population is, many people have cars, some of which aren’t Lexus’s, BMW’s or Audi’s (if you can believe it).  On top of that, we already have a fleet of durable, puke and blood stained tanks in the form of Vandy-Vans.  Those things have seen more carnage than Michael Vick’s petting zoo.  I wouldn’t be too concerned with this scenario.  Also, I call dibs on being part of A.J. Ogilvy’s team.  I assume that every Australian has been in at least one death race.

So there you have it fellow Commodores.  If you ever find yourself in one these situations you should now have an idea of what to do.  That being said, if you don’t read this article you will probably die a terrible death.  Go Dores!

After The Weekend Snowstorm of 2010 (you all know what I am referring to), Nashville and the Vanderbubble woke up to nearly six inches of snow on the ground.  All life in the city of Nashville froze for almost three days straight (no pun intended).  Whether it was the extreme cold or the complete lack of any snow plows whatsoever, everything shut down from Friday to Sunday, including Vanderbilt’s Vandy Van service.  “No Vandy Vans! God, why have you forsaken me?!” a freshman was heard screaming outside the Commons Center.

The lack of Vandy Vans combined with the sissyness of Vanderbilt students caused Greek Row to nearly shut down for the weekend.  One frat-star recounted, “It was like a ghost-town in the Wild West except it was covered in snow and most of the houses were in worse shape.”

There were a few brave souls who managed to venture outside into the Great White Mess.  One student noted that it was “frostier than A.J. Ogilvy’s hair tips” outside.  Snowball fights, snowman building, and failed attempts at sledding could all be seen around campus.  Several groups decided to play games of tackle football in the snow, to which shivering bystanders yelled encouraging cheers such as “Idiots!”, “I hope you get frostbite!”, and “Why am I still standing out here yelling things?”

For some students, it was one of the few times they had ever seen snow.  A Floridian was seen running in circles saying, “Oh my God, snow. Oh my God, snow. Oh my God, snow. Oh my God, snow.”  A New Jerseyan  looked on in disgust.  “I left the North primarily to get away from the snow,” he said. “Well, that and to get away from my parents.”

When the snow started falling in the wee hours of Friday morning, many students had hoped that Vanderbilt would cancel school for the day.  Unfortunately, school continued as planned.  Chancellor Nick Zeppos stated, “Come on people, suck it up.  I went to school in Wisconsin for God’s sake!  This is nothing.  I used to have to walk to class in two feet of snow.  Uphill.  Both ways.  Madison had some weird hills…”