Shakespeare Announces New Book Written in Vandygirl

December 4, 2010 By

Do you fellows know the best part of being a ghost? Well I, the ghost of William Shakespeare, shall tell you. ‘Tis this: whenever anyone anywhere quotes something I wrote, I get to be a fly on the wall of that room, and I hear what they’re saying about me. That’s why the other day I was whisked into a classroom in Calhoun Hall to hear one of your students quote my masterpiece “The Merchant of Venice.” The amazing thing is that when this Vandy girl quoted my work, she did so in the most delightful accent I’ve ever come across. She added in phrases such as ‘like,’ ‘I think’ and ‘you know,’ seemingly with no regard for their place in each sentence. When I heard her tell her classmates “The like quality of like mercy is not, you know, strained…” I suddenly realized that she had managed to capture the speech I had been striving for through my entire life. More than anything else, I have always wanted to have all my characters sound like baboons that have been granted the ability to speak. So after I was inspired by hearing this VandyGirl talk, I decided to rewrite all of my plays in what I’m calling “Stuttering Monkey Speech.”
So, here I present an excerpt from my new book, The like Complete Works of, you know, William like Shakespeare, for your pleasure. The book will be available in stores and online on December 8th, just in time to make a great holiday gift.

To be, or like not to be: that is like the question:
Whether ’tis like nobler in the mind to, you know, suffer
The slings and like arrows of outrageous like fortune,
Or to like take arms like against a sea of like troubles,
And by like opposing, you know, end them? To like die: to like sleep;

No more; and I think by a sleep to say we like end
The heart-ache and the like thousand natural you know shocks
That I think flesh is like heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be like wish’d. To like die, to like sleep;

To like sleep: perchance to like dream: ay, there’s the rub I think;
For in that like sleep of, you know, death what dreams may like come
When we have like shuffled off this like mortal coil,
Must I think give us pause, like: there’s the like respect
That, you know, makes like calamity of so like long like… life;

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Shakespeare Inspires Carnal Lust

September 17, 2009 By

Over the summer, scholars discovered that a painting, wrongly identified as the likeness of Sir Walter Raleigh, is actually the only portrait of William Shakespeare painted during his lifetime. The literary world was rocked to its core, yet the influence of this new portrait of The Bard would goes far beyond the reaches of academia.

“He’s totally hot. Check out the reddish beard and the lacy neck ruffle,” said Portia Gobbo, a sophomore English major. “I mean, I’d do him.”

The pure attractiveness revealed by the portrait has skyrocketed William Shakespeare to a unique level of fame, on par with that of the Jonas Brothers, specifically Joe Jonas.

“Preteens across the country are going insane,” revealed Patrick Verona, the editor of TeenBeat magazine. “Shakespeare has been on the cover of our last three magazines, and his popularity isn’t waning yet. Our readers can’t wait to hear about his relationship with Anne Hathaway and his tenure as an actor at the Globe. We even get readers asking when his new play will finally hit the silver screen.”

Across the country, Shakespeare productions have been selling out, to the bemused surprise of directors and actors who had never expected to make a profit doing theatre. People are willing paying hundreds of dollars for a coveted seat to see Julius Caesar or The Tempest.

“My sister got Hannah Montana tickets for her birthday, but I got to see Two Gentlemen of Verona at the local community theatre!” raved Jessica Shylock, an eleven-year-old from Nashville.

At Vanderbilt, students who have found themselves desperate for a glimpse into their hero’s life and poetry have inundated English and Theatre classes on Shakespeare’s work.

“I changed my major to English, with an emphasis in Medieval Literature,” bragged junior Stephano Aragon. “I’m gonna make so much more money than all those idiots I left behind majoring in Mechanical or Electrical Engineering.”

Luckily, all Vanderbilt students now have the chance to attend an amazing production of The Merchant of Venice at our own Neely Auditorium. Opening night is [insert date] and it runs through [insert dates], and undergraduate tickets are free.

It is certain that the Shakespeare fever will continue to grow. Meanwhile, reports of whether this article is merely an elaborate plug for the VUT production of The Merchant of Venice have yet to be confirmed.

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