Rites of Spring: Reflections (On What I Can Remember)

April 17, 2011 By

Kid Cudi Free-Styling:
Oh Kid Cudi, when will you learn? Most of us are pretty white and just wanted you to play your hits. We don’t really understand free-styling, and even if we did, it’s hard to call what you did “free-styling.” You can’t just go up to the microphone and start saying incomprehensible bullshit and expect us to cheer. If you want to do that, you need to either first A. thank your haters for hating, or B. ask if any of us bought Tha Carter III. Another important thing for you to remember- you aren’t particularly profound when you talk. So, while we understand your need to meaninglessly proselytize (you are a rapper after all), we’d really appreciate it if you just spared us next time. Think of Winston Churchill’s famous quote, “If you’re an idiot you should probably shut the fuck up… chap.”

High School Dudes:
You all sort of look like douches. Especially that guy wearing the douche costume. Only a douche would do that.

High School Chicks:
I can’t believe these lines didn’t work- “So, when do you get your braces off?” “Seventeen? I used to be seventeen! What a funny coincidence!” “You’re mom isn’t coming to pick you up for fifteen minutes? That’s plenty of time for me.” The good news is that most of them looked stuck-up and had North Faces, so I’ll get another pass when they’re here at Vandy in the fall!

The National:
Who the fuck were those guys?! I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a band perform where most of the audience could reasonably say, “yea, I get more pussy than they do.” The lead singer looks like a cross between Richard Nixon and LBJ – if one of them was a ginger. Boom, you just figured out how to make two shitty presidents shittier. Come to think of it, William Henry Harrison got more play than these jamokes and he was tied up with pneumonia for most of his presidency (called a p-job). Besides being the audio equivalent to Unisom, The National specializes in Bar-Mitzvah’s fifteen years from now. I just wish Vanderbilt could have booked a headliner more exciting than my errands.

Krispy Kreme Veggie
Cheeseburger:
Goddammit America, this isn’t funny anymore. Yes, we’re fat, but we used be respectable and fat. We used to embrace our corpulence. Our attitude was fattitude, and everyone knew the chubby swagger we brought to the table. Besides being a little embarrassing, veggie burgers never taste great. The best a veggie burger can ever taste is “ok” by law of nature and all that is holy. How about this: next year, get jelly donuts filled with meatballs… or just get hot pockets and cover them in icing. Either one would be more respectable.

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Never Heard of Dubstep? Come Educate Yourself!

March 27, 2011 By

Dubstep is the new genre of dance music that’s been revolutionizing the way DJs get crowds jumping since the early 2000s.
The key to dubstep is the bass and the drums. Bass is thick and layered on heavy, like mayo on a sandwich. And good DJs keep the drums fast with extensive layers of beats going in to each track.
Listening to a good dubstep song is like making love to a stranger. It starts out relatively quiet and you take it slow while you figure out the interesting rhythms your partner brings to the table. The pace slowly builds up as your anticipation grows. Then, just when your interest and desire have reached your peak, all of a sudden the bass, and the pants, drop. Suddenly, without understanding how, your hips and shoulders start gyrating. You explore the unique textures of your mate and feel his or her intense pulse beating in unison with yours. In these moments, you feel the sound wrap around you like the warm embrace of your lover’s bosom. Before long you come to feel at home here, and you want nothing more than to preserve this moment and feel like that for the rest of your life. But long before you’re ready, the song ends, and the DJ pulls on her skirt and walks out of your life forever. Only a dubstep song is better because, unlike a strange whore, I can get the song back into my bedroom whenever I want.
OK, maybe I’m over-romanticizing this genre. And you know what, it’s probably possible to go through life without ever hearing dubstep and being perfectly happy. But I want to encourage all those initiated to come out and hear The National when they perform at Rites. Their sound is really progressive but still accessible to even the casual concert-goer.
So, please, if you enjoy any combination of dancing, fast upbeat music, heavy bass lines, heavy synth leads, or intelligent sampling, then make sure you don’t miss The National’s performance at Rites.
After all, this is college, and if you can’t expand your musical horizons now, then when can you?

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True Dubstep Fans Must Show Out for The National

March 27, 2011 By

OK, so, let’s say that you’re a pretty big dubstep fan. You listen to Zeds Dead on the way to class. You were on board with DJ Hatcha before he was DJ Hatcha. You’re saving up to make a pilgrimage to Forward>>.
It is you people, you hardcore prog-techno dance fans, that need to hear me when I say, “You need to go see The National at Rites.”
Now, let me just preface this by saying that I, too, am a dubstep fan. I know that everybody with a beatpad and a mixtape likes to tell you they are “The cutting edge ultra-fresh next big super new inventive, imaginative, inspired innovation to the genre,” and that, for most of these artists, this is just an empty promise their music cannot back up.
That being said, you need to know that The National really is the cutting edge, ultra fresh, next big super new inventive, imaginative, inspired innovation to the genre.
These guys have drops that make Niagra Falls look like a speed bump and bass lines so thick and punchy they oughta be called The George Foremans. Their beats can’t be beat. They play lots of off-kilter syncopation that will have you screaming for joy while you dance your ass off.
In short, The National has changed the way I think about this genre. Their songs…they make me feel things…weird things…beautiful things.
My God… the unicorns. There were so many of them.
Oh, you’re still here? Sorry.
I guess the reason I’m writing this article is a conversation I had with my good friend Steve the other day. Steve is an even bigger dub-fan than I am, but Steve told me that he doesn’t plan on seeing The National. Steve claims that he has been to so many dance shows recently that he doesn’t want to add one more.
Please do not let yourself fall into Steve’s trap. If you care at all about the direction of artistic dance music, you must show up for The National and come ready to dance and show these folks that Nashville is on the forefront of the dubstep revolution.

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See The National Live First

March 27, 2011 By

My experience with The National began back in late 2004 when a good friend of mine gave me his ripped copy of their most recent album, Cherry Tree. I took the album home and really did my best to give it a chance, but despite my efforts, I just couldn’t bring myself to care about the music. I mean, even at that point I was a big fan of dubstep, and I was always looking for new bands that could innovate the genre, but for some reason, the mix on this album just seemed sloppy and unprofessional.
I didn’t enjoy my experience with Cherry Tree, and I had such a sour taste left in my mouth that one summer later, in 2005, I completely passed up on the chance to see The National play a free show in my own home town of Cherry Hill.
Oh, how I rue that decision today.
You see, last winter break I headed to a dubstep show at the Troc in Philadelphia. I was really interested in seeing the headliner, Stenchman, but before Stench came out, The National took the stage as an opener.
What followed was 50 minutes of the most pants-shittingly awesome performance I have ever witnessed. It was just something about these guys; when they started to play live, they turned into absolute animals. The first man on stage was the band’s turntablist, Aaron Dessner, and that man didn’t let the beat drop for the whole set. I danced. I laughed. I cried. I’m pretty sure I saw the face of God at one point.
But I’m not sure what it is about The National that makes them such shitty recording artists. Maybe it’s the fact that most recording studios lack a large, rowdy, glowstick wearing, dancing crowd which is such an integral part of their live show.
Whatever it is, here is my advice to you, dear reader: when you go to see The National at Rites, make sure that this is your first time hearing them. Listening to their albums will only turn you off to their sound and, like me, you might make the (stupid) decision not to see them.
Oh, and when you do come, wear your dancing shoes, some neon tights, and a jacket of glowsticks, and come ready to fucking rave.

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Students React to Rites Lineup

April 20, 2010 By

The Vanderbilt Music Group did a great job setting up a Rites of Spring festival this year that truly caters to Vandy students. What’s so special, you ask? Why, none other than the plethora of sexual innuendos (or in-YOUR-endos) and alcohol policy carefully designed to make this weekend fun for all, of course!

Rites of Spring is admittedly an off-year this year, with many students disappointed in this year’s musical guests… which makes alcohol that much more important to everyone’s enjoyment of the weekend. As sophomore Kathy McDonald remarked, “They [VMG] just let me down with this line-up… Why couldn’t we get someone good like OAR?” Junior Patrick Tarantino added, “Yeah, I was really hoping for OAR! They’re my favorite band, and TOTALLY still relevant in today’s music scene!”

In fact, Vanderbilt has established a top-secret mathematical formula to determine which years Rites will host good acts. This is how they determined to bring Run DMC to Rites in 1998, starting a long history of bringing rap artists to every event on campus. They also scored a huge hit in 2002 when they had none other than legendary rock and roll band OAR come and put on a REAL show!

Yet while musical guests this year are not stellar, they are clearly designed to please the average Vandy kid with the plethora of sexual euphemisms in their names and music. Friday afternoon had “Lubriphonic” followed directly by the “2 Door” Cinema Club– because everyone knows you need Lube before going in through the back door. Unfortunately, 2 Door Cinema Club has had to cancel their performance this year, due to a rough ride last weekend when too many people forced their way into the tour van through various openings and the chassis suffered some minor rips and tears.

Saturday, we are all going to get a look at Trombone’s “Shorty,” and at 5:55 be treated to JJ Grey and “Mo-fo.” Finally, late Saturday we’re going to take a dip in the “Passion Pit” as Ben Harper shows us how he likes it: Relentless.

To help deal with these average performances, each student is allowed to bring in 6 12-oz cans of beer. Enough to get sauced for a few hours, at least. However, Vanderbilt helps guarantee the maximum kick from your alcohol by only allowing you to carry in one bottle of water, with no other drinks to alternate with your beers, and you’re not allowed to bring in any food to slow the absorption either. Also advocating the overconsumption of alcohol at Rites of Spring are Drake and Ben Harper, who are coming as part of the Campus Consciousness Tour. Drake had this to say: “Consciousness is a huge issue on college campuses nationwide. My tour is to raise awareness of the consciousness problem and get those poor few freshmen who are still standing something else to drink!”

So remember to drink responsibly (take advantage of the limit you’re allowed to carry in and/or heavy pregaming) and enjoy the weekend; you will know you had a good time when Sunday morning comes and you can’t remember a thing, and Alumni Lawn is coated with more trash than the front porches in Memphis.

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Rites Done Right

April 19, 2010 By

Every year a two day festival occurs at Vanderbilt University. The Rites of Spring music festival gathers artists such as Passion Pit, Lil Jon, The Flaming Lips, and Wolfmother for two days of music to close out the semester. Students have an intricate selection process of suggesting bands to come perform on Alumni Lawn. But the real fun comes in when you select the real star of the show, the six little cans of alcoholic happiness you can carry in with you.
Sure the most common route to RoS blissful memory loss is the heavy pregame, come down, then post game blackout. But to preserve that almost blackout buzz you have to be smart about what you take in with you. Old Chub, an 8% alcohol Ale, comes in six packs of 12 oz. cans for 10 bucks at frugals. However if you want to save some cash and have your beer to taste like watered down dog piss you could go the route of Natural Ice, pulling in at 5.9% alcohol. A case of 24, “NIce’s” can be picked up for $13.29. If you’re trying to earn some hipster cred you could show up with six Pabst blue ribbons and complain loudly about how much better Phoenix was in 2005. Coming in at 5% ABV $16.49 for a case of 24 you’ll be able to make some new friends with bad facial hair and tight pants.
For the rest of us who can’t bring in little bottles of happiness with us, we need to plan ahead. Look at the schedule and determine which shows you want to halfway remember. Now when you start drinking remember that your body processes about one to one and a half drinks an hour. For example if Cold War kids isn’t really your thing but the song 1901makes you dance uncontrollably you can afford to be blackout until 9:30 on Friday night. So you start drinking Friday afternoon. When you get to the level where your face is tingly and everything is slightly recognizable stop and look at the clock. For each hour you have until 9:30 you can have one shot or one beer. You’ll be able to remember the concert in the morning and as soon as Phoenix’s setlist is over you can grab a beer from a frat boy’s cooler and work back towards that memory less abyss.
This article is moot if you want to experience Rites over. In which case you’re a bitch.

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So Far Gone is How I’ll be at Rites of Spring

February 28, 2010 By

The Rites of Spring line up has been announced: Ben Harper and the Relentless7, Melanie Fiona, Doug E. Fresh, Passion Pit, Cold War Kids, and Drake. Wait! Drake…as in Drake Bell from Drake and Josh or Francis Drake, the swashbuckling pirate of the seven seas. If you were thinking any of the above, you were wrong. The Drake performing at Rites of Spring is none other than Aubrey Drake Graham; better known as Drizzy Drake by overzealous fans, Drake by the tabloids and Jimmy Brooks the wheelchair kid from the hit Canadian show. The writers at The Slant have a slew of nicknames we’d prefer to call him, but we feel that “That rapper who got one more Grammy nomination than Soulja Boy Tell’em” would only serve to switch Mr. Tell’em’s attention from his “successful” rap career to our measly newspaper. Despite this, The Slant believes that the Vanderbilt community deserves to know who exactly this seemingly talented entertainer is.

Born and raised in Toronto, Canada, similar to where every other rapper began their successful careers, Drake’s boyish charm and bass deficient voice scored him the role as Jimmy Brooks on the Canadian high school drama Degrassi. In the show, Brooks is a basketball star who became physically disabled after he was shot in the back by a classmate. Possibly seeing the end to his stint on television, Drake released his first mixtape on Myspace prompting me to wonder how one decides to go from Canadian television star to Myspace mixtape releaser, but because this was a Myspace release, the jump couldn’t have been but so far. Drake’s role on the show ended in 2009, when his character finally graduated from Degrassi High…at the age of 23; proving that Canadian television producers couldn’t get over the fact that real Canadian schools allow people to stay in high school until the age of 24. This did a lot for Drake, considering the majority of kids on Myspace were probably in high school during this time.

Regardless, Drake skyrocketed to success off of his many mixtapes, none of which can be downloaded while on campus, which leads me to believe that there are many of us on campus who still have a Myspace account. Nonetheless, the positive reviews Drake received led him to be signed with Lil Wayne’s recording label, “Young Money.” This ragtag group of rappers consists of a slew of colorfully named characters like Nicki Minaj, Gudda Gudda, Tyga, Lil’ Twist, Mack Maine and Lil Chuck. Luckily Drake was spared a ridiculous nickname that seems so characteristic of this group.

Despite his lackluster early career, unimpressive upbringings and lack of a studio album, Drake surprisingly puts out good music. His use of metaphors and punchlines combined with his clever usage of words, Lil Way…I mean Drake is an unusually talented rapper. His influence spreads from Facebook statuses, to Twitter posts and pretty soon, according to Drake, he’ll be “All up in yo slot til a —– hit the jackpot.” Of course this article doesn’t really do much to help since only about 8% of this entire campus really knows who he is or cares.

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