When Devil, the new M. Night Shyamalan movie, came out, I was thinking, “what the fuck, I might as well stream it and see if it’s any good.” Never mind that The Happening featured a conspiracy between plants and wind to wipe out humanity. Never mind that he cast Dev Patel to play a Chinese prince in The Last Airbender. The epic-ness of The Sixth Sense was fresh on my mind after a recent re-watch. Then I actually watched Devil.
Oh man. Shame on you, M.
Devil opens with a nod to The Happening when a guy throws himself off a building. Next, we see a bunch of people getting onto an elevator. The elevator gets stuck, so other people come to get the people who are on the elevator, off the elevator. Now we’re an hour in. Things start to get exciting when somebody dies. The Mexican security guard informs the detective that the Devil is on the elevator, killing people. The detective accepts that, because he knows he is in an M. Night Shyamalan movie, and you get to spend the next grueling half hour trying to guess, out of four people, who is the Devil?
And the plot twist is? The Devil won’t kill you if you confess your sins to a security camera. Apparently that’s the Devil’s weakness. Thanks a whole lot, Devil; at least you rendered Catholic priests useless. Everyone, start a video blog and you will be saved!
Shame on you once again, M. Night Shyamalan. I wasted no money and an hour and a half of my life squinting at a hazy bootleg. Since you seem to have no idea what you’re doing anymore, allow me to suggest a few twists no one will see coming!
1. At the end, the main character wakes up! He was dreaming the whole time! AAAAAAHHH!
2. When they go “check out the basement,” they take a flashlight with them. Wasn’t expecting that!
3. The black guy lives, the brunette dies first, and the Asian doesn’t smoke weed.
4. Everyone dies in the first ten minutes. The next eighty minutes detail the work of the clean-up crew.
5. They all live happily ever after.
M. Night Shame-On-You Disappoints Again
The Best Worst Movies of August
Piranha
Synopsis: An earthquake opens up a trench between a lake and another lake under the first lake, releasing a pack of vicious, prehistoric cannibalistic piranhas. The piranhas, tired of eating each other, quickly devour the topless co-eds partying over spring break. Luckily, the sexy sheriff, a mother of three, is there to save the day when her idiot children take off in a boat against her explicit directions.
Rating: Half pornography, half graphic violence, this movie is a must-see for sociopaths and drunken frat boys. (-3/10)
The Last Exorcism
Synopsis: In a small, hick town in Louisiana, a teenage contortionist in a white nightgown is possessed by a demon…or is she? This movie, shot in the first person, follows the exploits of dishonest Reverend Cotton as he pretends to exorcise her demon. Boring and predictable, the cheap attempts at scares miss the mark. At least until the last ten minutes, when (SPOILER ALERT!) you witness a demon birth orchestrated by a cult, and the cameraman drops the camera. This exciting movie ends with a close-up of a rock. In the dark.
Rating: Worth it for the audible “What the ****?!” from fellow audience members. (1/10)
Vampires Suck
Synopsis: Awkward, open-mouthed teenager Becca Crane must decide between Jacob White, a hairy, cat-chasing youth, and Edward Sullen, a pale, bloodthirsty immortal. If you have any sense of humor, or perhaps are a little tipsy, you will love this hilariously accurate take on the popular preteen fantasy. Guest appearance by the Black-Eyed Peas.
Rating: IMDb vastly underrated this movie at 3.3 out of 10. With its vague, underdeveloped characters, poorly-shot action sequences, and excess of blinking and mouth-breathing, Vampires Suck far surpasses the original Twilight. (15/10)
Slant Movie Reviews: The Machine Girl
Every year there are a few glimpses of genius. 2008′s would be the excessively violent and over-exaggerated Japanese flick The Machine Girl. From one look at the poster, you know this is clearly a big ripoff of Planet Terror, and I’m not saying that it isn’t, but it’s more. It doesn’t have zombies, but it goes above and beyond the call of duty. The B-movie mantra is pushed to every facet of the film from the opening scene to the final credits.
The “plot” is as follows: a group of high school bullies who follow a Yakuza leader’s son murder a girl’s brother, so she swears revenge to kill them. If you can deduce from the title and the poster, something happens along the way to spice it up a bit.
The acting is bad (most of the female roles are models/porn stars including the moms),the costumes are bad, the soundtrack is bad, the set design is bad, the dialogue is bad (the writer/director made pornos also), the action is bad… the only thing that is not terrible appears to be the budget, but this and the rest makes all of it INCREDIBLE! But it’s not bad like The Room bad, it’s intentionally bad. Everything is so over the top, that even the most disgusting violent brutal deaths are hilarious because of the obvious cheaply made props or prosthetic dummies. The melodrama is so thick at times that it spews out like the gushing fake blood hoses from seemingly every character’s body. If you thought Kill Bill set the bar for fake blood, this movie does an Olympic high jump over that bar and then impales someone with it.
I haven’t laughed this hard for the duration of an entire movie in a long time. All in all, I give it five donuts out of five!
I’m thinking of making it mandatory Slant watching material, and if you disagree with me, then you are a no-good hypochondriac recluse who constantly pees on the hall’s toilet seat! Did I mention that the spiritual sequel to this is called RoboGeisha?
Yeah, this movie is awesome.
Arrow Stripclub Review
Arrow Stripclub is a great time… if that’s what you’re into.
So last Thursday was my friend’s 18th Birthday. We decided it would be fitting for us to engage in the most sacred of birthday traditions, taking him to a strip club for the first time. Well, the first “Legal,” time.
Anyway, when we were panning the evening someone casually mentioned that maybe we should check out this new strip joint in town, a place called “Arrow,” located conveniently in downtown Nashville. I had gotten kind of familiar with all of the dancers at the other clubs, so I thought it might be fun to spice things up with some fresh faces.
We arrived at the club at around midnight, we were all a little “Dizzy,” at that point. We wanted the birthday boy to have a good time, so we rented out the ‘party room,’ and started clamoring for girls to come dance for us. The owner chuckled and simply said he’d see what he could do.
We headed to the party room, and before long we had some dancers in there with us. They all came up topless, which was nice, but to be honest, none of them was bigger than a b-cup. Honestly they were all just bulgy in all the wrong places. One dancer had biceps bigger than mine, but had a chest like Kansas, flat and with stuff growing all over it.
Now I do have to admit that what they lacked in looks, the strippers made up for in enthusiasm. They came in and right away and started shouting, wanting to dance for the birthday boy. For strippers, they were all remarkably good dancers, I mean if they had had more clothes on, they would have fit right in on America’s Best Dance Crew (TM).
One thing that seemed to be missing from the evening was any actual stripping. The dancers walked in with nothing but little bikini bottoms on, and they seemed to be refusing to go any farther. Not wanting to ruin my friend’s birthday, I started cheering for one of the dancer’s to “Take it off!!
But just then, my buddy Zach grabbed my from behind and shouted “Lets get the fuck outta here!” He dragged all of us out of the club and ran away. I still haven’t seen him since then. But despite a strange ending, I had a lovely evening at Arrow Stripclub and I belieive it gave my friend a wonderful birthday present.
