Vanderbilt students seeking to participate in romantic relationships during spring 2011 now know exactly who the members of these relationships will be, as the university wide drop/add period ended at midnight last Wednesday.
During the weekdays leading up to the deadline, all potential romantic partners were expected to plan dates during which they would exchange romantic syllabi, explaining to each other their romantic expectations, policies, and grading rubrics.
Sophomore Jeremy McMichael says he was considering a relationship with Junior Kara Whitley until he noticed that under lovemaking expectations on her syllabus Whitely had simply written “Kinky stuff.” When McMichael asked for clarification Whitely remained coy. “That’s when I knew I was going to drop her… I mean I’ve had [romantic partners] before where they weren’t specific about their expectations, and this never works out well, so I decided to transfer into this cute art student. She won’t help me out with my career at all, but it should be a fun way to waste some time.”
Senior Mike Carter has had a very rough drop/add period. In December, Carter had a full waiting list of ladies and gentlemen who wanted to be his romantic partner during this semester. But students quickly began to opt out of Carter when his syllabus indicated he was no longer willing to do “that thing with his tongue and the love beads.”
Vanderbilt’s Relationship advisors have been quite busy, as student appointments have shot up in the time surrounding the deadline. Professor Barry Wight (PhD., bootyology) says he hasn’t had a free minute all week with all of his spare time being spent giving relationship advice to undergrads. “The other day a student came into my office, he was still signed up for relationships with two different women and couldn’t decide which one to pick. So he and I went on a Facebook stalk, and I advised him to choose the one with bigger… personalities.”
Some students have complained that their drop/add requests could not be processed as “OH YEAH,” Vanderbilt’s online relationship registration service was jammed with users Wednesday night. Sam Lee, head administrator for OH YEAH, says he will not extend the drop/add period.
“Whatever relationship you’re in right now, you’ll have to stick it out for the whole semester… if you really want to change, you can file a petition to drop, but the relationship will remain on your record with a ‘WF’… which stands for ‘wet fish,’” says Lee.
Junior Darren Carr found himself at odds with the system when he tried to register a relationship with more than two women. Under regulations which went into effect last spring, such a relationship requires that all those involved have GPAs of at least 3.5 and approval from at least one professor. Carr, however, says he could not find any professors willing to approve his proposed love triangle between himself, his girlfriend, and her best friend.
“Professor Wight said he would sign off on it if I could get both of the ladies to approve but doing that would totally blow my cover, so I decided to just scrap the idea” says Carr.
Spring Relationship Drop/Add Period Ends with Flurry of Activity
Bonehead Still Stumbling on Campus One Hour Late
William Doyle, a sophomore bonehead in A&S, has spent the past week and a half stumbling around campus an hour late for all of his appointments and classes. The week of constant tardiness has so far cost Doyle his love, his education, and his very livelihood.
According to reports from other students, Doyle showed up to church last Sunday an hour late completely missing all but the closing prayer. From there, Doyle’s schedule has rapidly spiraled out of control.
Doyle’s girlfriend, Jane Davis, says she was shocked when Doyle stood her up for the first time in their nearly five month relationship.
Davis said, “I showed up at Chili’s on time, and then he left me sitting there for exactly an hour all by myself… and then when he finally showed up and I asked why he was so late, that numbskull just goes ‘Huh, what? I don’t know?’ Needless to say, I broke up with him on the spot.”
Following the nasty breakup, Davis went on to completely miss an exam in his Monday morning history class. The clueless blockhead had the nerve to shuffle into the lecture hall 60 minutes late apparently unaware of his own tardiness.
Doyle’s behavior in the history class was so appalling that he was summoned to meet with Dean Mark Bandas on Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately, Doyle was unable to make this meeting on time as well, and while Bandas sat waiting a full hour for Doyle to show up, the Dean resolved to “expel that addle-brain” on the spot.
This devastating blow came on the heels of an incident earlier that day when Doyle’s boss at a local Wendy’s restaurant fired him for offensive lack of punctuality.
Down on his luck, Doyle was spotted eating at a local soup kitchen last Friday. Unfortunately, though, kitchen owner John Bradley says “That dunce showed up at four for the three o’clock meal… needless to say we didn’t have any soup left for him
The Slant tried to get Doyle to come in and discuss his week from temporal hell, but the weak minded oaf was so late for our scheduled meeting that we eventually just said, ‘screw it.’
The Alpha Male’s guide to relationships
I used to be a loser when it came to love, but during my time at Vandy I have come to learn how to get any girl I want. Before I was awesome like I am now, I would walk up to a girl and be like, “Hi I’m Austin, what’s your name?” and she’d be like, “My name? I’m get lost loser.” Then I would actually go get lost, but this was not all bad. While I was trying to find my way back I would try to think about what I was doing wrong. I began to develop a system that transformed me from a nice guy who finished last, to an Alpha male that’s on top of the world. Guys, if you’re having trouble with the ladies, pay close attention and take all the advice from this article and you’ll be a Casanova babe magnet like me in no time.
Imagine you are at a party and you see a hot girl that you want to get with, here are the rules you should follow:
Rule one: women are objects, not people, and they want to be treated as such. Once you start treating a girl like a human she will lose all interest in you. Girls want a man who is not afraid to speak his mind and take control. Girls are also very flexible and are useful objects for many occasions. For example sometimes you just want a place to sit, use her as your chair, if you can’t find the remote, use her like a zapper to change the channel, if you don’t feel like answering the phone use her as an answering machine. She will love the attention and will and really dig being used by you.
Rule two: When you find a girl that you want, the first thing you should do is insult her, especially if she is with her friends. Say something like, “nice earrings, I think I saw those on sale at Wal-Mart.” This makes you instantly attractive because girls get complimented all the time and they get sick of it, what they really want is someone different to come along and put them down. Girls are attracted to males who assert their authority and put down those around them.
Rule three: girls want to be physically removed from their group of friends, or current boyfriend. If he wants to make a big scene, just kick his ass—for help with this join the jujitsu club—but most guys are too chicken to want to get into a fight anyway. But after you kick his ass or tell him to get lost, take the girl by the hand and lead her away from everyone else. She will be attracted by your ballsyness and physical power, and will be willing to go any where with you to get to know you better.
Rule four: You are the alpha male, the top dog, and girls should do nice things for you. During my time as a loser, I would always offer to get a drink for a girl at a party, and hold open doors, and pull out her chair. But I was going about it all wrong. Alpha males give the orders, and people do what they say. Tell your girl to do things for you, and don’t ask her nicely like a little bitch. It might be hard at first, but you have to understand that girls want to be ordered around. Tell your girl to get you a beer, or make you dinner, or do your laundry. She will go out of her way to do pretty much anything you want, just as long as you make her do nice things for you, not the other way around.
Rule five: Get to know your new object physically. Check every part of her body to make sure there are no impurities, like fake breasts, or an unshaved…armpits. If you are going to invest this much time in a girl, you had better make sure that the product is worth it.
Rule six: Make sure you never giver her too much attention. If you do she will start to feel like she is on an equal plane with you, and will lose interest. Keep her begging for your attention by ignoring her when she is talking and cutting her off in mid-sentence to say hi to someone else. The more you ignore her, the more she will crave your attention and want to be with you.
These are just the absolute basics. You can start with these, but you have to work to develop a system that is good for you. Just remember the basic principles that are embodied in these rules. If you follow these rules and keep the basic principles in mind, you will have no problem getting any girl you want.
But be careful, girls are jealous creatures and once they start to see how you treat other girls, they will want to be treated that way to. If you cannot handle attention from at least a dozen girls at once, then this system might not be for you. Unfortunately this is one of the drawbacks of the system. I have been working on it extensively, but if you use the system right there is no way to prevent girls from constantly calling and texting, and wanting to dance with you at parties, and wanting to take you back to their rooms. But if you want to transform yourself from a dull and boring failure, to an Alpha male at the top of the food chain, take my advice and follow this system.
