This most recent IMPACT Lecture Series had an excellent lineup. Every speaker contributed in their own unique way this year. John Stossel allowed all of Langford auditorium to bask in his mustache’s aura and Mitt Romney gave us an extra ten pounds of reading material. Ralph Nader even presented the audience with definitive proof that he was indeed still alive (and occasionally kicking Stossel’s ass). In sum, next years IMPACT will undoubtedly fall painfully short of this year’s event and whoever is in charge next year is doomed for failure. But never fear The Slant has been conducting tireless research for at least two hours to determine who could possibly live up to next years hype. Here is our current short(-er than John Stossel) list:
Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Jesse Ventura- Ladies and gentlemen, here we at The Slant present not only two great action hero’s but also two great politicians. Only in America can you co-star in an action movie about an invisible alien hunting people for fun, and then become leaders of millions of people’s lives. I would expect any debate between these two be only SLIGHTLY less violent than their action movie, Predator, and if we play our cards right it could involve even more weapons! Between all the gun fire, Austrian accents, and “WTF did politics do to his beautiful face” moments, I would rate this showdown a 7 out of 10 mustache’s on the John Stossel scale.
Reverend Al Sharpton vs. Ann Coulter vs. Howard Dean- Did these speakers come to IMPACT in 2005? Yes. But I think the formatting for this event was all wrong. What should 2011′s format be? Two words: Cage Fight. I’m taking bets now on who will be the least maimed: Odds- 5:1 Al Sharpton (the man is past his prime) , 2:1 Ann Coulter (she will fight dirty) and 3:1 Howard Dean (YEEEEAARHGH!!!!). Normal Fight: 6 out of 10 mustache’s. Someone goes to the ER: 9 out of 10 mustache’s.
George W. Bush vs. Bill Clinton- This would be entertaining regardless, but I think one little addition to this debate would really step up the game. It’s the word every college college student lives for: pre-game. Of course I don’t mean the audience pre-gaming, I mean the former presidents. I want at least 8 shots in each of their bodies by the time they take the podium, and then I want them to be required to finish off a six pack of Natty before they can get off the stage. There is no way this debate fails. I can already hear the sexist statements, curse words flying, and the inappropriate passes at each others wives. Ladies for your own safety please don’t sit in the first three rows of this one, or wear anything revealing. 8 out of 10 Mustache’s, assuming of course someone passes out on stage.
So there you have it, a little preview of the possible IMPACT debate’s next year, and their hopeful outcomes. It will never be able to add up to Ralph Nader extending the debate just to cock slap John Stossel, but we can always strive for that ideal. And strive we shall!
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