Until now, the prospects for the 2012 race to the presidency have looked dim. The overall air of incompetence within U.S. politics has manifested itself in an unlikely array of presidential hopefuls for 2012. The Democrats have thrown current president and resident whipping post Barack Obama under the bus back into the race, while the Republican Party managed to pull its head out of its ass long enough to bribe, suckerpunch, or forcefully coerce Mitt Romney, the Donald, and some dude named Tim Pawlenty into setting out on the campaign trail. Perhaps the biggest surprise of the day, though, can be accredited to aging hair metal icon Jon Bon Jovi, who recently announced his intention to run as vice president—on every single ticket.
The forty-something year old hails from New Jersey, a state otherwise known for potholes, seagulls, toxic waste, and generally being a huge shithole. For these and other obvious reasons, Bon Jovi’s candidacy has been questioned as a mistake, a practical joke, or the end of mankind as we know it. Bon Jovi, however, entered the race with a ferocious enthusiasm that hasn’t slowed.
When interviewed about his motivations, he cited the economic plight of the average American as a primary reason for his candidacy. “Union’s been on strike; he’s down on his luck. It’s tough,” Bon Jovi observed. “So tough.” In response to the fiscal crisis, Bon Jovi presents in his platform creative ideas for economic stimulus, such as “getting the guys together and going on another tour. “
Bon Jovi appeared most recently at a town hall meeting in Boston to send a message of high-voltage hope to all twenty-two middle-aged, moderately overweight women in attendance. Standing in front of banners emblazoned with his campaign slogan, Livin’ on a Prayer, the vice-presidential candidate laid all his cards out on the table. “I’ll be there for you. These five words I swear to you,” Bon Jovi pledged. Later in the speech, the hard rock hero commented on crucial issues of the day in similar poorly constructed rhyming couplets, touching on tighter regulations on air pollution and free speech issues. “When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you…words can’t say what love can do,” Bon Jovi wailed with a curiously sharp arpeggio. Bon Jovi concluded the speech with fireworks and excessive bass drumming and broke the neck of an electric guitar before leaving the site.
Political analysts are largely pessimistic about Bon Jovi’s electability, citing his consistently dismal record sales as evidence of his unpopularity with the public. Some disagree, however; one rogue expert, conspicuously clad in shiny black leather pants, went so far as to predict, “ooohhh, he’s a little runaway!” Indeed, although primary elections have not yet gone underway, Bon Jovi’s unanimous nomination on each ticket ensures Bon Jovi the vice presidential spot on both the Democratic and Republican ballots in 2012. Upon hearing the news of his default victory, Bon Jovi shouted, “Oh-oh, we’re halfway there!”
Despite the controversy surrounding his candidacy, Bon Jovi has every intention of moving forward in the race full speed ahead. “It’s my life, and it’s now or never. I ain’t gonna live forever,” he exclaimed. Preach on, Jon Bon Jovi, preach on.
Bon Jovi to Give Politics a Good Name
The Senate of Your DREAMs
Three weeks ago, the VSG Senate was faced with a difficult decision: whether or not to pass a motion showing support for the DREAM Act. After a long, grinding couple of hours of debate, the Senate eventually made the incredibly difficult choice to make absolutely no statement on the matter.
Senators Zye Hook and Susan Gleiser, who are both outspoken advocates of critical thought and social change through rousing debate, moved to table the matter indefinitely. Hook was later quoted as saying “Look, nothing against immigrants, but, guys, I’ve got other things to do. Let’s wrap this [important, academically stimulating debate] up.”
Now, at first I was a bit put off by this move. Personally, I very much disagree with the DREAM Act, which would essentially allow illegal immigrants who came to the country as minors, and who have been here for more than five years, a path to citizenship if they spend time in the military or earn a post-secondary degree.
Obviously, this idea would have been dangerous, because any terrorist that wanted to could just sneak across the border as a minor, stay here for five years, maintain good moral character, graduate from a high school, and then spend more time earning their bachelors degree, complete the necessary classes to earn citizenship and then BOOM. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, terrorists. They could do something terroristy.
But what’s more, we need to be concerned that this act would have encouraged immigrants to better themselves through education. The people behind the DREAM Act obviously don’t realize that if you send an immigrant to school, it would forever unfit him to be an immigrant. He would immediately become unmanageable and of no use to the people that want to exploit him for cheap labor.
That’s beside the point, though, because VSG didn’t decide not to support the bill; they decided to just stop talking about it. As I said, at first I didn’t realize the wisdom behind this move, but slowly I came to understand the flawless logic of the Senate.
You see, they knew that if they voted and didn’t support the act, they would alienate some Vanderbilt students. That’s right, as absurd as it sounds, there are some Vandy students who wanted to see the DREAM Act pass, and if the Senate hadn’t supported the bill, these students would have felt like they were not being represented.
Likewise, if the Senate had decided to support the bill, then my fellow smart people and I would have felt that our voices had not been heard. By not voting on the motion, both sides can walk away happy… or, at the very least, equally sad.
This is some serious political genius coming from VSG. This is beyond laissez-faire. This is not just a government that governs least, it’s one that doesn’t govern at all!
But I don’t think VSG has gone far enough with this strategy. For example, last month VSG had an election where Melissa McKittrick won a vacant seat in the Senate with 38% of the vote. By simply giving McKittrick the seat, the Senate is effectively snubbing the more than 60% of students who did not vote for her. The only really sensible thing for the Senate to do would have been to let the seat remain vacant until the student body could come up with a unanimous decision. That way we’d make sure that everyone’s voice is heard.
Or what about a few weeks ago when VSG showed “Hot Tub Time Machine” in Sarratt Cinema? Sure, most people enjoyed seeing the movie, but some students found the movie’s crude humor offensive. So VSG should have applied its DREAM Act technique and just not shown any movie. That way, since there is no movie, then nobody can be offended.
And why stop there? I’ve actually been talking to students, and I’ve found that some of them don’t like that they can’t reserve the Board of Trust room whenever the Senate meets there. That’s why I’m calling on the Senators to fulfill the promise that each one of them has made to the students of this university – a promise to do absolutely nothing that will harm – or benefit – anyone. I am calling on the Senate to finally attain its destiny as an organization that never offends anyone by disbanding themselves immediately.
Unless that would offend someone. In that case, don’t do it.
Mitt Romney’s New Book “No Apologies” Sends Bad Message To America’s Youth
Mitt Romney, the former Governor of Massachusetts and current most famous Mormon in the world has gotten some heat over his new book’s controversial message regarding apologies.
Despite debuting at the top of the New York Time’s Best Seller list, many parents groups have spoken out against No Apologies, which they say will undo centuries of progress towards getting their kids to say “I’m Sorry.”
Parental group PFAC (Parents for Apologetic Children) says that Romney’s anti-sorry stance goes against every lesson about manners that children are taught. PFAC spokeswoman Jane McGinty had this to say “How can I tell my son Jeremy to say sorry to his sister, when his idol Mitt Romney is telling him to never apologize?”
According to sources close to the politician, Romney rarely if ever apologizes during his day-to-day life. One aide who wished to remain anonymous: “He never admits it when he does something wrong, he doesn’t excuse himself when he burps or [passes gas] last week he almost hit me with his car and he didn’t even flinch.”
According to Romney’s wife of 41 years, Ann Romney, this lack of any remorse has been a constant throughout Mitt’s entire life. Ann recalls “Back when we first got married, Mitt wouldn’t even leave a note when he finished the carton of milk, ahh those were the years… those angry, hate filled years.”
Keeping with the theme of his work Romney had no apology for his critics, saying simply “If you don’t like this book then you can cry me a river, build me a bridge, and suck it [gestures towards his own crotch].”
In an unexpected turn of events Romney’s book has also had a significant impact on board games sales. The Parker Brothers toy company reports that sales of its flagship game “Sorry!” have plummeted since Romney’s book appeared on shelves.
Future IMPACT: Next Year’s Speakers Announced
This most recent IMPACT Lecture Series had an excellent lineup. Every speaker contributed in their own unique way this year. John Stossel allowed all of Langford auditorium to bask in his mustache’s aura and Mitt Romney gave us an extra ten pounds of reading material. Ralph Nader even presented the audience with definitive proof that he was indeed still alive (and occasionally kicking Stossel’s ass). In sum, next years IMPACT will undoubtedly fall painfully short of this year’s event and whoever is in charge next year is doomed for failure. But never fear The Slant has been conducting tireless research for at least two hours to determine who could possibly live up to next years hype. Here is our current short(-er than John Stossel) list:
Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Jesse Ventura- Ladies and gentlemen, here we at The Slant present not only two great action hero’s but also two great politicians. Only in America can you co-star in an action movie about an invisible alien hunting people for fun, and then become leaders of millions of people’s lives. I would expect any debate between these two be only SLIGHTLY less violent than their action movie, Predator, and if we play our cards right it could involve even more weapons! Between all the gun fire, Austrian accents, and “WTF did politics do to his beautiful face” moments, I would rate this showdown a 7 out of 10 mustache’s on the John Stossel scale.
Reverend Al Sharpton vs. Ann Coulter vs. Howard Dean- Did these speakers come to IMPACT in 2005? Yes. But I think the formatting for this event was all wrong. What should 2011′s format be? Two words: Cage Fight. I’m taking bets now on who will be the least maimed: Odds- 5:1 Al Sharpton (the man is past his prime) , 2:1 Ann Coulter (she will fight dirty) and 3:1 Howard Dean (YEEEEAARHGH!!!!). Normal Fight: 6 out of 10 mustache’s. Someone goes to the ER: 9 out of 10 mustache’s.
George W. Bush vs. Bill Clinton- This would be entertaining regardless, but I think one little addition to this debate would really step up the game. It’s the word every college college student lives for: pre-game. Of course I don’t mean the audience pre-gaming, I mean the former presidents. I want at least 8 shots in each of their bodies by the time they take the podium, and then I want them to be required to finish off a six pack of Natty before they can get off the stage. There is no way this debate fails. I can already hear the sexist statements, curse words flying, and the inappropriate passes at each others wives. Ladies for your own safety please don’t sit in the first three rows of this one, or wear anything revealing. 8 out of 10 Mustache’s, assuming of course someone passes out on stage.
So there you have it, a little preview of the possible IMPACT debate’s next year, and their hopeful outcomes. It will never be able to add up to Ralph Nader extending the debate just to cock slap John Stossel, but we can always strive for that ideal. And strive we shall!
Nader Wipes the Floor with Stossel’s Prominent Mustache
Last week I was lucky to be among hundreds who saw Ralph Nader and John Stossel talk about capitalism. While the subject matter was only mildly interesting and the event lengthy, everyone was rewarded with what they came to see– two old geezers doing epic battle on stage. And of course a glimpse of the legendary, iconic mustache that is John Stossel’s.
The event was structured with some talking from each speaker, then several other friendly categories such as swimwear and a talent portion. It then got more competitive with a Super Smash Brothers Brawl best of 3, a game of Croquet, and Not Repeatedly Losing Presidential Races, all of which were swept effortlessly by Stossel.
However, Ralph Nader, in his own words, “pwned that noob [Stossel]” in the speeches and Q and A, despite a slow start. Ralph, at age 76, gave a sluggish speech that criticized various forms of dickery in government and business, which was followed up by a tight, well-practiced speech by John which amounted to a bunch of cheap shots at Nader (hey, that’s our job!). Stossel’s digs at Nader got him quick early points with the audience, but his advantage quickly disappeared when the audience was allowed to ask questions. At this point, Nader perked up and said “What, people were actually listening to me?” and used the 13 years of wisdom and 4 failed campaigns he has on Stossel to wow attendees.
In the typical politician’s style, each speaker totally ignored each question and seized the opportunity to drive home his one good point: “Mr. Nader, what is your favorite color?”– and instead of yelling “GREEN!” and being done with it, he spent a while complaining about the trouble he was having getting Medicare to pay for his electric scooter. His trouble concentrating in the face of such a brilliant mustache can be understood, though. Such a brilliant… thick… dreamy… fluffy… mustache… mmmmmmm…….. oh I just wanna rub my face all over it… mustacheeeee… 
|D
Stossel’s answers to questions mostly consisted of “let the consumer show their support to whoever provides the best product” which the audience took to heart when they erupted into applause for all of Nader’s comments. John put up a good fight but just could not rally the audience for his side. He totally missed a response to one question and looked pretty ill when the moderator extended the time for questions. Good thing he’s a capitalist and OK with owning lots of things, so he felt comfortable getting owned so hard by Nader at public speaking. Seriously, who saw that coming from someone older than John McCain?
The talk ended with a simple question: to give Obama a rating. Stossel responded quickly with “’F’ for fruitcake” while Nader apparently got confused and spent several minutes whining about the environment before giving his predictions for LOST and commenting on the weather.
A packed Langford Auditorium made the event a huge success. We all learned a little about capitalism thanks to our ironically free tickets and saw some old guys go cane-to-cane on a hot issue. Mitt Romney even spoke the next night to wipe up for conservatives after Stossel’s brutal defeat, so all views ended up getting fairly represented. Mustache.
Motorcade Madness
While the protest with the Vanderbilt Students for Nonviolence (VSN) raged outside the SLC, the real insanity started only after General Petraeus had left the stage. A group of us freedom fighters were walking back to Towers after making our voices heard when we were attacked!
It all happened so fast, but I remember that we had just started crossing 24th Avenue when a motorcycle cop almost hit us. He was going way over the 15 mph speed limit (nice enforcement VUPD…) and then– imagine this– he stops in the West End intersection! I mean can you believe this shit?
After abusing his authority and stopping in the intersection, he turns toward the traffic and stops each car with a mere hand gesture. Some people!
As he raised his hand to stop the traffic, and as we began to wonder what had possessed this policeman to cause a traffic pileup, we turned around and were clipped by not one, not two, but SIX Cadillac Escalades going at least 85 mph through Vandy’s campus. The only thing I can remember was the sound of “Big Pimpin” blasting out of the last Cadillac’s windows at the level normally reserved for a Friday frat party. And as quickly as we caught a whiff of whiskey and cigar from one of its open windows, the motorcade was gone.
Damn you, Petraeus! My clever and witty sign, which I had spent hours agonizing over during our VSN planning meetings, was smashed, along with my sense of confidence in our cause. Because, lets face it, how cool would that be to have the police, Cadillac, and Mr. Jack Daniels all working for you? So, General, any chance you could deliver an internship offer along with a Get Well Soon card to my hospital room? Working with you may be better than the Peace Corps after all…
