An investigation conducted by Professor Oak’s laboratory in Pallet Town has recently discovered traces of Viagra in the common over-the-counter Poké item known as a rare candy. Strongly desired throughout the region, rare candies cause Pokémon to level up without earning experience points. They were initially invented to provide a small boost in Pokémon confidence as well as HP, but in recent years they have been used, and in most instances, abused, to expedite the training process for impatient trainers and GameShark owners. Rare candies are known to go into effect immediately when administered to Pokémon anally. This discovery has caused the demand for the candies to surge amongst cruel and unusual teenagers – the demographic most probable to be training Pokémon. Despite rare candies’ popularity and effectiveness over the years, however, recent complaints from have surfaced revealing that some negative long-term side effects may accompany the use of rare candies.
On Tuesday, Professor Oak’s lab released its findings. “After many years of research administering the Rare Candies to common lab Rattatas,” Professor Oak remarked, “we have concluded that rare candies do in fact have some significant long-term side effects due to traces of Viagra found in them… among those effects, the first and foremost being premature evolution.”
Premature evolution is a phenomenon where Pokémon level up, possibly even evolve, but are not actually experienced enough to do so. This conclusion was formulated after observing the aforementioned lab Rattatas who were administered rare candies in differing dosages throughout their lives against the control group who were trained in battle. Eventually, all of the test subjects evolved into Raticates; those who were artificially stimulated, however, ended up being more aggressive, having less stamina, and being poorer fighters than those who were trained in the old-fashioned manner.
Some trainers witnessed these side effects firsthand. Fisherman Earl said, “I caught me up a Squirtle the other day, and I fed it one of dem ther’ candies through its butthole, and it bubbled all over my face right before changin’ into a Wartortle and withdrawing into its shell.”
Bug trainer Jeff noticed a similar disobedience in his Caterpie after causing it to evolve in to Metapod via rare candies. He stated, “All my Metapod did was harden until it string shot all over the place.”
Another trainer, Gangster Antoin, was quite appalled at his own Lickitung’s behavior after being given rare candies. He tried to warn fellow trainers that his Lickitung was “climbing in your backpacks, snatching your Pokémon up, tryin’a lick ‘em… so ya’ll need to hide yo Muks, hide yo Meowths, and hide your Mankeys, cause they licking e’rbody out here!” Clearly, evidence supports that the Viagra found in rare candies increases Pokémon aggression as well as tendencies to disobey trainers.
Professor Oak was asked specifically why this could be the case. “Lab tests revealed that rare candies increase hormones of Pokémon causing them not only to level up but also become more aggressive and Rhyhorny in their nature,” he explained.
He first witnessed this side effect after giving rare candies to a gaggle of Geodudes living in the same natural habitat. “The Geodudes given rare candies all tried to either double team each other or pound one another in the ass,” he noted. Professor Oak also noticed similar increases in sexual activity between two different individual Pokémon when given rare candies. A Machop was isolated for a week and given rare candies until it evolved. In the meantime, it would only sit in the corner and play Machoke the chicken all day. The same test was Exeggcuted for a Cubone, and it also would sit in the corner and Marowak-off until its bone club was disabled.
In conclusion, the evidence that rare candies had such negative side effects was quite staggering. However, the debate continues as to whether or not the negative side effects are dangerous enough to force Poké Mart to pull the product from the shelves.
“The negative side effects of rare candies are clear. It’s up to the trainer if he wants to take a Chansey on his own Pokémon or not,” Professor Oak concluded. “If it were up to Starmie, I would raise my Pokémon the old fashioned way… but trainers are Butterfree to do as they please. At the end of the day, I just hope we don’t end up with Pokémon that prematurely evolve into Penusaurs.”