Although many people do drink and do so responsibly, please remember that everyone has a different story to tell. Whether they shotgun in the trash chute or are merely enjoying a study-beer, it is only fair that we treat them as human beings, as opposed to treating them as something else, by respecting and supporting that decision…
I need to vomit. Get out of my wa-

For more information about Kangaroo Week, contact The Slant at
eic.theslant@gmail.com or stop by the Student Media Newsroom at Sarratt 130. Kangaroo Week, unlike its competitor, does NOT support splitting infinitives or the font Comic Sans. Seriously?

On October 2nd at approximately 2:30 am on the corner of West End and 24th, thirty suspects were caught preemptively leaving a bumpin’ party without permission. The suspects had met earlier with the expressed will and intent of “Getting totally fucked up, man!” They then spent several hours listening to popular music promoting the consumption of alcohol such as “Drop the World,” “Dynamite,” and the 1982 song by Toto, “Africa”. One suspect with pants tailored beyond the legal tightness limit and in possession of a scruffy mustache laced with cocaine said, “ Man, I wanted to hear some fuckin’ Arcade Fire – but only their demos. Not the stuff everyone knows. Fuck “Rebellion,” that’s shit man.” Suspect was taken in to custody for public douchebaggery.
One prominently inebriated witness of twenty-one years of age said, “Yeah, man, I like totally had some Natty Light, and it was like, okay.” Another girl, later proven to be underage, loudly shouted, “Slap me! Slap me!” insisted on being slapped, and took a gulp from a water bottle. Suspect then presented her face to the five fingers of her friend. Following arrest, the vector calculus field sobriety test was given. Suspect failed to integrate <ln(x), x, 2x> and was taken into custody. One questionable individual of twenty-four years of age with a backwards hat and neon sunglasses said of the incident, “Dude, I won ten games of pong, then I grinded all over this chick.” Suspect was promptly reprimanded for his poor moral choices.
All subjects then climbed onto a brightly colored van and screamed at the driver for ten minutes. Also, some drunk bitch puked on my shoes.
Suspects’ Description: Per Metro Police, the suspects are described as Caucasian students 18-25 years of age expressing the strong will to rage. Attire ranged from spandex leggings to flannel shirts. Suspects’ behavior described as “totally fucked up.”
IF YOU HAVE INFORMATION RELATING TO THESE OR
SIMILAR INCIDENTS,
PLEASE CALL JONATHAN NEWKIRK AT THE SLANT (615-322-2424)
IF YOU WISH TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS,
CALL DRUNK STOPPERS (555-123-4567).

Risk Inducing Tips
Mix different types of Alcohol.
Drink beer before liquor.
Drink in groups of three or more.
Enter dark and isolated areas.
Drink with confidence and purpose.
Do not wear earphones while drinking.
Lose your cell phone.
Make large bank transfers while drinking
Send irresponsible texts after 2:00 AM.
Forcibly fondle any and all female acquaintances.
Stay alert and plan ahead for “What if we sober up?”

PLEASE REMEMBER OUR ON-CAMPUS RESOURCES
*  The Margaret Cuninggim Women’s Center 322-4843
*  Psychological & Counseling Center 322-2571
*  Student Health Services 322-2427
* Frugal MacDoogal Wine & Liquor Warehouse 242-3863

** REPORT SUSPICIOUS PERSONS, VEHICLES, OR ACTIVITIES**
IMMEDIATELY! **
ON CAMPUS, DIAL 911 OR USE A BLUE LIGHT PHONE!
(NOTE: from a cell phone, call (615) 421-1911)