Okay, so I know many of you non-drinkers out there think it’s annoying when that one guy refuses to stop drinking alcohol along with all of his friends at the party. But it’s very important that we respect his rights, for we might not truly understand his complex, hormonally loaded psyche. For example, it’s highly likely that he consumed copious amounts of Tetrohydrocannabinol earlier that day, and he wants to be careful to get the most out of his Thirsty Thursday night by combining a hallucinogen and a depressant. Cross-buzz! Or maybe his main bitch has discovered that he’s been spending her hard-earned money, and he’s dealing with the goddamn loan shark that same Tipsy Tuesday night. Or perhaps he’s trying to lose those last few decimals on his over-2.00 GPA, and he’s just too embarrassed to study, because that’s less time to drink, right? Oh no, I feel sick. Why am I typing this? It’s Saturday… Whatever the reason, I think we can all agree that it’s better to let him drink alone than with the rest of the party. Anyway, come on, this is America. We all deserve our civil liberties taken away from us by a police officer for public intoxication. Just remember what George Washington said, “Pabst Blue Ribbon. Drink it, you assholes.”
Although many people do drink and do so responsibly, please remember that everyone has a different story to tell. Whether they shotgun in the trash chute or are merely enjoying a study-beer, it is only fair that we treat them as human beings, as opposed to treating them as something else, by respecting and supporting that decision…
I need to vomit. Get out of my wa-
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