This Week’s Throwdown Lowdown

November 17, 2010 By

Here’s your comprehensive guide to this weekend’s fraternity parties:

Wednesday:
Alpha Alpha’s Alphaholics Anonymous party

Thursday:
Phi Rho Mu: Preppy pre-party
Phi Rho Mu: PR-MDs: The Doctor Is In
Phi Rho Mu: Post-party party-themed party
Phi Rho Mu: Afterparty-style afterparty
Phi Rho Mu: Postafterparty- Golf Pros and Uncontrolable Vomitting
Gamma Alpha Upsilon: Glee Viewing party
Beta Upsilon Chi: Straight Guys and No Hos

Friday:
Nu Omicron Delta: Business
Boys and Sexretaries
Sigma Tau Pi: Tech-bros and Trance Hos
Kappa Kappa Kappa: Private Bonfire
Tau Nu Sigma: Ultimate
Frisbros and Table Tennis Hos

Saturday:
Rho Alpha Mu:
Sluttily Dressed Women and Douchebags
Phi Epsilon: Just a lot of
excessive drinking…

Sunday:
Beta Chi Omega: Regretful Bros and Possibly Pregnant Hos

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Sickness-Spurred Sobriety Springs Slanter to Score Scoop

October 24, 2010 By

Over the past few weeks I’ve been relatively ill with an as-of-yet undiagnosed disease. It made its most vicious strike the Wednesday right before Fall Break and imprisoned me in my own bed which had been feeling like a forlorn lover, because it hadn’t seen much of me lately and because my Husband Pillow™ just doesn’t fill her the same way I do.
I’ve since been to the doctor, gotten a shot and four prescriptions, and I am now on the path to recovery. In fact, today, I just finished the last of my antibiotic pills. Now, keeping in mind that the last time I drank while on antibiotics my body backfired, vomited all over itself, lost my camera, sat on my glasses, and punished me with the worst hangover I’ve ever had, I decided to avoid a repeat of said experience.
But, being the socialite that I like to pretend that I am, I still had to network at the parties to which I had already been invited and had committed to attending. The beauty of opaque Solo cups is that you can be drinking straight water and still act as crazy as a wombat on LSD, because people will automatically assume your plastic chalice contains something alcoholic. This sleight-of-liquid allowed me to blend in with the musically-stimulated orgying masses crammed into a sweaty Towers suite to bring you these journalistic expositions.
However, these sessions of not imbibing the purple-drank/fire-water/crunk-juice did give me the privileged perspective of quietly observing and explicitly judging people and, boys and girls, I’ve learned one thing: folks enjoy acting entirely too drunk for their small amounts of ingested libations. To quote myself from last night’s shambles, “I’ve been to these parties before, and you, sir, are behaving entirely too smashedly for one cup of that weak-ass punch. Get a hold of yourself, man. Men aren’t supposed to move like that. You’re making our gender look bad.”
So, know your limits, fellas. Don’t forget that, as a guy, you can easily look immensely stupid from thinking you’ve flooded your brain enough to feel invincible and fancy free. Women only get a free pass because even if they haven’t played “Slap the Bag” with our ever-classy friend Mr. Franzia, they always look sexier the more they dance. Just remember that going home alone to play “Pet the Wombat” all by yourself is not your primary yearning.

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Counterpoint: No Party like a Vandy Party!

February 8, 2010 By

Ok, I know that “New Orleans” sounds great and all but people really have to slow down and think about what is there and what we got there. I’m pretty sure that if you really think about it you’ll realize that there’s no party like a Vandy Party starting with the….

Vandy Cards! Oh yeah sure you can throw some beads and get a look at some boobs, but you can also flash your Vandy Card here and say “Bitch, I’m here for the party”. Boobs are great, but acting like a big cocky douche bag is definitely better. Besides beads are cheap, and everyone knows Vandy students are way classier than beads. That’s why we drink Natty light, and get sloppy with each other on the dance floor and…. Ok…. So maybe “classy” isn’t really the best word, but who the hell cares about plastic toys made in China? The only thing at Vandy that comes from China is…

Our Food! Mmm Branscomb breakfast (and the secret ingredient is mercury!) is so delicious. What’s that you say? Feeling ritzy? Well come on down to the Qdoba on West End where you get to eat with every single stoner in Nashville. Stoner’s have a lot of advantageous over New Orleans. First of all they are quiet, second of all they are really fucking quiet and third of all they’re like the nicest people in the world…. I think…. I’ve never really gotten that close to one. But really there is one thing at Vandy that stands far and beyond better than New Orleans and that’s….

Our Crime Rate! Question time, which one would you rather like inserted into your body, a stomach pump, or a rusty shank? Yeah, I thought so, I don’t know about you but I like NOT worrying about if my tetanus shots are up to date. But violent crime isn’t your only concern at New Orleans; you’ve got to watch out for pick-pocketers too. Let’s be honest, no Vandy kid is stealing from you period. Anything that Vandy Boy or Vandy Girl wants, they get from Mommy or Daddy, and why steal when you can buy? New Orleans is a little different, aka poor aka they steal, aka you will lose all your credit cards and cell phone when you are drunk, aka enjoy the twenty hours of phone calls to Burkina Fasa and Azerbaijan, aka your parents are NOT buying you your 4th iPhone replacement. So yeah, crime, enough said.

Now that I established that Vandy is clearly the better party place for Mardi Gras, I bet you all want to just sell your plane tickets and hotel rooms for like a fifth of the price now. Well that’s the smartest decision you’ve made since… well ever…. Oh and if you happen to be selling those tickets, please shoot me an email…. I think I know some random guy that may be willing to take them off your hands.

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Point: It’s Naturally N’awlins, Brah.

February 8, 2010 By

New Orleans during Mardi Gras, probably better known as the “Mecca of Partying” for people of all ages, is the place to be this upcoming weekend. I mean, screw you Vanderbubble-bound guys, I’m going home and experiencing the best of what my city has to offer, which will possibly be better than ever now that the Saints have just won the Superbowl for the first time. (A cool Brees rolled in and I…jazzed in my pants.) Week-long, full-fledged Mardi Gras. The greatness can only be calculated by the city’s vast volume of vomit that will accumulate after night after night after night of partying.

I really do pity you people who will be stuck on campus “celebrating” the blandness of regular everyday life as someone tries to fool you into thinking that “Vandy Gras,” a shitty substitute for the real thing, is actually worth staying around for. I applaud the attempt to capture the essence of my city, but Vandy’s “Masquerade Ball” is probably being thrown by a bunch of people who have never even attended a real one and who have probably never even been to NOLA.

As if this notion is not implicit enough already, let me make the comparisons more clear.

When I’m back in the homelands hearing people yell out “Show me your tits!,” you’ll be stuck hearing the rent-a-cops mumbling “Show me your Vandy card” every time you re-enter your dorms. Moreover, the likelihood of me seeing a nice set of ta-ta’s is a lot higher than you getting a peek down some chick’s shirt at a frat party, and my view will probably be better too. Besides, live jazz music and legit show-stopping marching bands just easily crush the same, sorry, sad, sucker songs of Lady GaGa and Miley Cyrus. This is a New Orleans party now, biotch!

As if this weekend can’t get any better already, I’m also turning legal, so when I’m getting smashed in public with the rest of my Crescent City brethren holding a New Orleans original “Hand Grenade” drink in one hand and a cheap, fake tomahawk in the other, you’ll be trying to sneak your booze in past the guards. More than likely, they will catch you this weekend, as knowing that it’s soon to be Mardi Gras, they’ll be on high alert for any gym bags that have an oddly boxy shape to them.

While you’re restricted to Nashville’s Broadway Avenue, I’ll be laughing at all of the fools crowded on Bourbon Street. All the locals know that some of the best spots in the city are actually off of the tourist trap that is Bourbon, so we’ll be partying there. Moreover, don’t listen to those stupid Versus writers, I can assert myself and mark my territory by pissing in public. Screw waiting in line. Also, I have no qualms with elbowing old ladies or knocking over small children for a few beads or trinkets. The old ladies should know their place and the little kids will soon learn that it’s just a New Orleans rite of passage. However, back to the pissing, for those of you trying to party on campus, the best you can hope to do is “break the seal” when the Vandy cops are looking away, or you better prepare to get a night sticked through the backdoor.

Lastly, I get real food this weekend. My dad is a fisherman and will be going to be cooking legit New Orleans dishes: fresh seafood gumbo, crab soup, and fried shrimp. I also get fresh slices of King Cake, mugs of Café au Lait, and hot, sticky, sweet beignets that just left the fryer. What do you get? Oh yeah, the same old bland-ass Randwiches and Commoners’ Dinner. Lucky you. And the shrimp that they will try to serve you will most likely be the pre-packaged SYSCO shit imported from another country that doesn’t naturally grow any product of shrimp. (P.S. – Those countries have to make man-made shrimp farms that are filled with antibiotics and, because of that, taste like exactly what they eat: shit.) But for all you Yankees who have never eaten real Gulf shrimp, you have no idea what you’re missing, so continue to eat that pitiful excuse of what Louisiana is famous for.

Hence, if you haven’t made plans to do so already, I highly recommend that you find a way to get down to New Orleans this weekend. Plane, car, raft, hitch-hiking, riding a hobo, whatever, just make it happen. This will probably be one of the best Mardi Gras seasons in decades, and about 15 years from now, when all of your friends are getting drunk and remembering the stories about how Tim was found blacked out on a street corner by a transvestite stripper named “Candy,” you will feel like a total dumbass for missing it. Your papers can be written the night before and you can cram for your tests on the day of, but you I can promise that you will regret missing this for the rest of your life.

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The Alpha Male’s guide to relationships

December 5, 2009 By

I used to be a loser when it came to love, but during my time at Vandy I have come to learn how to get any girl I want. Before I was awesome like I am now, I would walk up to a girl and be like, “Hi I’m Austin, what’s your name?” and she’d be like, “My name? I’m get lost loser.” Then I would actually go get lost, but this was not all bad. While I was trying to find my way back I would try to think about what I was doing wrong. I began to develop a system that transformed me from a nice guy who finished last, to an Alpha male that’s on top of the world. Guys, if you’re having trouble with the ladies, pay close attention and take all the advice from this article and you’ll be a Casanova babe magnet like me in no time.
Imagine you are at a party and you see a hot girl that you want to get with, here are the rules you should follow:
Rule one: women are objects, not people, and they want to be treated as such. Once you start treating a girl like a human she will lose all interest in you. Girls want a man who is not afraid to speak his mind and take control. Girls are also very flexible and are useful objects for many occasions. For example sometimes you just want a place to sit, use her as your chair, if you can’t find the remote, use her like a zapper to change the channel, if you don’t feel like answering the phone use her as an answering machine. She will love the attention and will and really dig being used by you.

Rule two: When you find a girl that you want, the first thing you should do is insult her, especially if she is with her friends. Say something like, “nice earrings, I think I saw those on sale at Wal-Mart.” This makes you instantly attractive because girls get complimented all the time and they get sick of it, what they really want is someone different to come along and put them down. Girls are attracted to males who assert their authority and put down those around them.

Rule three: girls want to be physically removed from their group of friends, or current boyfriend. If he wants to make a big scene, just kick his ass—for help with this join the jujitsu club—but most guys are too chicken to want to get into a fight anyway. But after you kick his ass or tell him to get lost, take the girl by the hand and lead her away from everyone else. She will be attracted by your ballsyness and physical power, and will be willing to go any where with you to get to know you better.

Rule four: You are the alpha male, the top dog, and girls should do nice things for you. During my time as a loser, I would always offer to get a drink for a girl at a party, and hold open doors, and pull out her chair. But I was going about it all wrong. Alpha males give the orders, and people do what they say. Tell your girl to do things for you, and don’t ask her nicely like a little bitch. It might be hard at first, but you have to understand that girls want to be ordered around. Tell your girl to get you a beer, or make you dinner, or do your laundry. She will go out of her way to do pretty much anything you want, just as long as you make her do nice things for you, not the other way around.

Rule five: Get to know your new object physically. Check every part of her body to make sure there are no impurities, like fake breasts, or an unshaved…armpits. If you are going to invest this much time in a girl, you had better make sure that the product is worth it.

Rule six: Make sure you never giver her too much attention. If you do she will start to feel like she is on an equal plane with you, and will lose interest. Keep her begging for your attention by ignoring her when she is talking and cutting her off in mid-sentence to say hi to someone else. The more you ignore her, the more she will crave your attention and want to be with you.
These are just the absolute basics. You can start with these, but you have to work to develop a system that is good for you. Just remember the basic principles that are embodied in these rules. If you follow these rules and keep the basic principles in mind, you will have no problem getting any girl you want.

But be careful, girls are jealous creatures and once they start to see how you treat other girls, they will want to be treated that way to. If you cannot handle attention from at least a dozen girls at once, then this system might not be for you. Unfortunately this is one of the drawbacks of the system. I have been working on it extensively, but if you use the system right there is no way to prevent girls from constantly calling and texting, and wanting to dance with you at parties, and wanting to take you back to their rooms. But if you want to transform yourself from a dull and boring failure, to an Alpha male at the top of the food chain, take my advice and follow this system.

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We came to get wasted!!

October 26, 2009 By

In her recent article in Vanderbilt Hustler, Ms. Frannie Boyle lamented the decline of Vandy’s party culture and southern traditions and the increased amounts of studious, Northern freshman. Apparently no one shows them Frat row when they come for the tour, and instead, show them the brand new dorms and dinning facility at the Commons. What a shame—they show up to Vandy expecting to study and unprepared for the rigors of social life. She is right, we need to be honest with them and tell the perspective freshman that those who don’t wear boots, can’t hold their liquor, and don’t like grits need not apply.

It is key that the freshmen that are accepted are given the full immersion into the Vanderbilt community. VUceptors should instruct them on popular drinking games and pre-gamming techniques, hold fashion seminars to ensure they know how to properly conform to social norms, and act as their guide to frat row on those crucial first nights. Yes, freshman must be inculcated by upper classmen to live by the Vanderbilt creed, “work hard, play hard.”

But they must be reminded that studying is important to. If they don’t study then Vandy would just be another party school. Freshman must learn how to study while hung-over or still drunk. They must be reminded what made Hemmingway such a great writer when the time comes for them to write their first paper. If they can’t pull off a solid 3.0 without the sufficient amounts of fun, then they are not getting the full Vandy experience. Working hard is important, but it must come after they have had their fun. I agree when Frannie says, “We came for more than academics.” That’s right Frannie, we came to get wasted!!!

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