I am glad the Olympics are over. Now, don’t get me wrong—I love the obnoxious yelling of “USA! USA! USA!” and spandex-covered (and toned) athletes, but my grades do not. The Olympics are one of the best things to happen every two years, and one of the worst.
With a full waste-time schedule already of YouTube videos, Onion articles and Grey’s Anatomy episodes, adding clips of Shawn White’s winning snowboarding run or montages of crashes during the downhill slalom, I just didn’t have time… to do my homework. I wish that I could say that I was behind in schoolwork for a noble reason—my fish died; The Slant came out this week (a go-to reason for any newspaper editor); I was soooo wasted Saturday night that I couldn’t resume real work until Thursday. Alas, I just watched a lot of Olympics (although that’s certainly not how I spent my Saturday night).
The Olympics are glorious. When on any other Wednesday afternoon if you turn on the television to NBC all you will see is… well, I don’t know. Besides The Office or 30 Rock, I don’t ever watch NBC. Regardless, it’s probably bad. But not during the Olympics. The Olympics are a fantastic two weeks of retired athletes re-living the glory days through un-insightful commentary, current athletes securing their glory days or their publicity deals, and fans dressing in obnoxious colorful versions of their national symbols.
What is better than Sweden’s national bird the Eurasian black bird (besides the bald eagle)? A fan dressed up in a Swedish blue and yellow version of the Eurasian black bird. And what is better than a paper analyzing the effects of corruption in Post-Soviet regions? Anything. You see my point?
Thankfully (although it is bittersweet), the Olympics are over. With no important sports events coming up soon (pshhh, what happens in March?), I can finally focus back on what really matters: More YouTube videos.
The Olympics are over!
Sports that Aren’t Olympic Sports, but Should be
During every Olympic season, there are always several questions about the interesting array of sports that come up. What exactly is skeleton? How exactly does one Curl? More importantly, if these seemingly random sports can be considered Olympic sports, why can’t we add a few more? Here are a few ideas for some more competitive games to compete in:
Quidditch
Quidditch has made its way onto many college campuses, and into many of our hearts, so why shouldn’t it be an Olympic sport? Of course, the United Kingdom would kick ass, given that they have Harry Potter and friends on their team…but we should give the world a chance to play this epically amazing sport. Flying sticks, flying balls—it’s basically men’s wrestling anyway, so let’s just add it!
WWE Wrestling
Ok, so we’ve already got wrestling—but let’s be honest, it’s a little too realistic. Wrestling isn’t much fun to watch without screaming, skin-tight costumes, and a dramatic touch of complete fakeness (yes, wrestling is fake…sorry if that was a spoiler). WWE-style wrestling would be entertaining, athletic (sort of), and an overall great contribution to the Olympic games.
Beer Shotgunning
So, this has technically never been deemed a sport, and the Olympic Committee probably wouldn’t approve it, considering all kinds of ethical rules. But, think about it: it takes stamina, speed, strength, and an overall competitive attitude. When you consider all of the college students spending their time shotgunning beers in their ten-by-ten dorm rooms, it makes you wonder why they’re not out their showing off their talents.
Interpretive Dance
Most people love watching the ice dancing competition, which is, of course, a classic. But where’s the interpretive element? It’s important to know what people are actually thinking throughout the music, on and off the ice. There are many types of dance, but everyone seems to forget about interpretive, so let’s bring it to the Olympics, Summer AND Winter.
Farmville
Alright…realistically, this will never be an Olympic game. But, it’s competitive, it awards points for successes, it’s ridiculously popular for no apparent reason, and it’s accessible to all countries. So, in theory, it’s the perfect addition to the Summer games. If you think about it, it’s basically like curling: everyone likes it, but no one knows why.
So, by the time 2012 rolls around (or, maybe more realistically, 2036 by the time they take our suggestions), hopefully someone will add these spectacular and popular games and sports to the Olympics. Why not, right?
Winter Olympics experience Seasonal Affective Disorder
A petition filed by a grassroots international coalition to move the Winter Olympics to a more favorable season, Spring, has been voted on and approved by the International Olympic Committee. Although general initial response was surprise and dismay, upon further consideration fans, athletes and television networks are excited.
“Honestly, it’s cold and boring here,” one fan lamented at the Vancouver games. Some argued that that’s just Canada, but consultation of viewing numbers and a survey of fans revealed otherwise. In the US, American Idol still had higher numbers than the Olympics, meaning that America, so presumably the world, thrives on mediocrity and petty drama. “Having the Olympics in the spring would allow for an MTV Spring Break-esque atmosphere at the Games. There’d be hookups and breakups galore, plenty of backstabbing, and we know all the athletes look great in swimwear,” an Olympic official told this Slant reporter. It has also been rumored that Jersey Shore’s ‘The Situation’ has been hired as a consultant on this social aspect of the Games to report in 2014.
The athletes are pumped about this new era as well, because the events are staying the same despite the move. The ice skaters will have to quadruple lutz over holes in the ice, hockey players can push each other into the water instead of checking, luge and skeleton will more so resemble giant water slides and skiers will have to avoid grass patches. These modifications will challenge the athletes mentally and physically, adding a new dimension to their game. Furthermore, the sheer danger and stupidity of the sports now are not only interesting, but captivating, appealing to everybody’s reckless side. “I’m so stoked for these Games. I’ve never shredded a half-pipe with melting snow before, but it’s just going to add to my skills. Some say it’s impossible, I say I’m Shaun White,” America’s favorite red-head since Little Orphan Annie said.
NBC is so excited about the move that they filed a subsequent petition moving for the Olympics to be held every spring, flatly denying accusations that this was filed to further avoid coming up with programming to fill their gaping schedule and help their horrendous ratings. Despite motivations, everybody can agree: these new Olympics are brilliant – part reality show, part stupid human tricks, part international cooperation and copulation. Everything America loves and more.
Winter Olympic Sports Finally Explained! Sort of….
The Olympics are widely celebrated throughout the world as a time for all the people of the world to come together, hold hands, and try to embarrass each other in competitive blood sports. As a good American citizen, I of course take pride in my country’s near literal rape of other countries in sports that I didn’t even know existed (or in some cases even counted as a sport). Thus in order to make my nationalist screams more appropriate I decided to actually watch the events this Winter Olympics, rather than just checking the medal count and screaming U!S!A! What I discovered, truly shocked me, the Winter Olympics sports are even stranger than the Summer Olympics and their speed walking events. Here is my quick overview of some of the odder sports:
Curling: First Reactions aside (This is a sport?!?!) this is actually pretty exciting to watch (despite the fact that I’m pretty sure the only physical requirement is to bend over by 20 degrees and afford a new pair of shoes). Now I’m not entirely sure if I’m saying that because it is on everyday from like noon to 4pm while I sit in Rand or because I get to make really really sexist jokes about women and sweeping. Regardless of the reason, I find myself screaming at the T.V. as the rock, I’m pretty sure that’s a technical term, slowly slides down the ice. It’s nice to see a sport that finally settles the age old debate of what shuffleboard would look like if it was played on ice by a bunch of maids. I know that’s been the burning question that kept we awake at night for the last twenty years.
Couples Ice Dancing: This sport is surprisingly only the third most homosexual sport at the Winter Olympics, sitting behind Men’s ice skating and another sport listed below. Still I’m really disappointed with ice dancing, it’s just like ice skating but without the cool tricks and spins. Can we please just say a big WTF? Did the ice skaters feel like they weren’t ridiculed enough already? I mean really, how does this conversation go down at the bar?
Girl: “Oh cool so you can do really cool trick’s on the rink?”
‘Male’ Ice Dancer: “Hahaha, well no I mean I can go in circles… and smile to the judges…. At least I get to wear sequins that make me feel pretty! Stop judging me!!!”
Snowboarding: This was simply a great idea. American’s suck at skiing, so we decided to invent the snowboard, lobby for it to be in the Olympics really hard and then collect more metals than an ironsmith. Fuck you Norway.
Two Man Luge: Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t really understand the finer “athletic” points of the luge, or skeleton, or bobsled. But common sense tells me that in the case of the luge two men is not better than one. Two men lying on top of each other and flying down a tube reminds me more of the birth of twins than an athletic event. Furthermore this sport definitely wins the homosexuality competition. I just wish I knew how this sport was started. I can only imagine something like this:
Guy 1: “Wow that was really fun going sledding!”
Guy 2: “Yeah it sure was!”
Guy 1: “You know what would be even more fun?!?!”
Guy 2: “No, what’d you have in mind?”
Guy 1: “Well how about we go sledding again but this time you lay your body flat on top of mine and I’ll hold you steady with my peni—I mean with my legs. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
Guy 2: “Umm, I don’t know…. It sounds kind of…..”
Guy 1: “Come on, I’ll even let you be on the bottom the next time!”
Thus the birth of a new sport. At least this gives me hope that I can create my own sport and become an Olympic athlete at some point in my life. That’s right folks, get ready for the 2014 Olympics to introduce the Naked Skeleton. I get the feeling the IOC would dig that kind of sport, if the most recent trends are any indication.
Chicago v Rio = Easiest Call Ever
The city of Chicago recently made a strong bid to host the 2016 Olympic games, but was eventually beat out by Rio de Janeiro, despite the best efforts of many famous Chigcagoans such as Oprah Winfrey and Barak Obama.
Many Chicago residents were devastated by the decision, and left wondering just what about their city made it unworthy to host the games. However in the time since the International Olympic Committee finalized their decision, the greater question has simply become, “How in God’s name did Chicago make it this far in the first place?”
Now that the decision has been made, unnamed sources close to the IOC have indicated that while Chicago did in fact receive some consideration, their committee members put of denial of the bid for fear of incurring the wrath of legions of disturbingly loyal Chicago residents.
IOC member Barbra Winston says, “Well sure we tossed their name around in the beginning, but lets be honest, we could never convince the world’s athletes to come there for a whole two weeks! I can’t believe it took you guys this long to figure it out really.”
And indeed, Chicago simply does not create the best environment for any athletic contest. Known nationwide as “The windy city,” constant gale force winds make it difficult to predict the path of a baseball, to accurately kick a soccer ball, or even shoot a basketball. Thats right, the winds in Chicago are so strong that they even blow indoors.
Chicago was also crippled in its bid to host the summer games by the city’s lack of a distinct ‘Summer.’ While residents insist that the city gets warm for a few weeks every July, reports suggest this isn’t sufficient time to thaw out enough water to fill a pool for swimming and diving events.
IOC chairman Frenchy Mc Snottyface says he has still not fully thawed out after nearly freezing to death during a visit last January. “At that time we has been considering Chicago, but it was just so god damn cold. I mean honestly, how could we ask the world’s athletes to spend two weeks in that frozen hell?”
Mayor Richard Daley did everything he could to bring the games to Chicago, but several missteps on the his part aided the collapse of the city’s olympic dreams. For example, while it carried historical significance for the people of Chicago, IOC members were a bit put off by Daley’s proposed mascot, “Saussie, the Pre-1900′s Sausage Factory”
Instead of Chicago, the 2016 games are now slated to take place in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. Rio is famous for its beautiful women, lovely beaches, gorgeous women, lush countryside, scantly clad women, statue of Jesus overlooking the city, and its women.
When asked which of these things factored into the IOC’s decision, Chairman McSnottyface appeared visibly flustered “Huh, well you know I didn’t notice it when we visited the city but you’re right, all the women in Rio ARE gorgeous and they DO strut around in tiny little bikini’s all day! Huh, good thing that didn’t influence my decision!”
Rio’s final push for the games consisted mainly of pointing out the difference between their city and Chicago. Delegates from Rio cited their ability to keep a governor out of jail for more than a month, the fact that the sun actually shines in Rio, and Rio’s distinct lack of Kanye West. In response to these harsh statements, President Obama reportedly shot back “Hey… shut up.”
