In what many are calling a great pro-democracy gesture, President Obama gave in to calls that he is lending military support to protestors in Libya by instituting a no-fly zone over the country’s capital. Following the President’s declaration, thousands of US troops were deployed armed with fly swatters, insect repellant, and those weird-smelling outdoor candles.
Communiqués from within the rebel camps indicate that protestors were at first thrilled to hear of the US support but quickly became disappointed upon realizing the true extent of the American commitment.
One civilian said, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, the flies are kind of an issue here… especially in this weather we’ve been having. But I was kind of hoping the US would help me regain a voice in my own government…”
Many at home had been angry with the President for delaying the US response to the uprising in Libya. The President found himself in a tight spot wanting to show support for the rebel forces while not wanting to over commit the US military by making himself into a “World Policeman.”
In a press conference late Monday night, the President announced his action plan for the region, saying “It is crazy to think that our military could enforce democratic reform in every troubled Middle Eastern country. But… keeping the conflict free of pesky insects, that’s something we can commit to.”
The military action has been met at home by support from both sides of Congress. Speaking to reporters early yesterday morning, Democratic majority leader Harry Reid said he stands by the President’s decision.
“No one should have to take up arms and risk their lives just to enjoy the freedoms we take for granted every day.” Reid said. “And they certainly shouldn’t have to worry about annoying flies while they do it. It’s good that we’re supporting the people’s rights in this way.”
Later that day, Senator John McCain said in a speech on the house floor that he was glad that the U.S. would be flexing its military muscle to show a strong “pro-democracy and anti-fly message to the region.”
The only groups that seem to be upset by the move are the members of hard-core animal rights group PETA. According to a press release on their website, PETA states, “These military actions constitute a war… despite those claims that war only exists when the opponents are human beings.”
PETA went on to remind readers that this is not the first time Obama has shown an anti-fly prejudice. Saying “We have not forgotten the events of June 2009 when the President senselessly murdered a fly on national TV… a crime for which he has yet to be prosecuted.”
Despite these detractors, the military intervention has begun and according to wire reports the Army presence has already made a difference. Troops have been distributing various anti-mosquito supplies to local residents, helping set up mosquito netting to create mosquito free zones, and even using precision weapons to shoot individual bugs out of the sky.
Obama to enforce no flies zone in Libya
Washington Nationals Fail to Sign President Obama to Contract
As March 5th approached, many players from around the majors were looking ahead to opening day and the first game of a very long season (we’re going to label the New York/Boston game the night before as “ESPN Marketing Bullshit” rather than ‘The Season Opener”). The “Ace” pitchers were ready to take the mound for their respective teams… but there was one exception. Barack Obama, also known as The President, took the mound to start for the Washington Nationals in their home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies.
This was neither a mistake nor a joke; there was actually a method to this madness. After all, it’s been no secret that the Nationals have had their eye on the Obama ever since the two parties fatefully landed in Washington nearly simultaneously back in 2005. In the midst of the 2007 season, when it was quite apparent that the Nationals had no chance of any sort of success for that season (so in like, early May or something), the franchise began to seriously work towards a long-term contract with Obama. The (at that time) Senator dragged the dealings out, however, claiming he had “better possibilities in his near future.” In any case, no deal was struck.
Talks were idled, what little hopes there were for the franchise wilted, and the Nationals entrenched themselves into two more years of pathetic baseball. In 2009, however, they moved again. The organization realized that Obama was the perfect man to head up their rotation. With little to no baseball skill and a questionable reputation, the Nationals simply had to get him on their team. All through the 2009 season, when other teams were focusing on other, less important things such as “winning,” the Nationals were pursuing their man – Barack Obama.
Opening Day, 2010 marked the culmination of yet another failure by the Washington Nationals. Obama threw out one pitch as if to say “goodbye forever, baseball!” and left the field soon after. When asked why the deals broke down, both sides had differing views. On one ocassion Obama was reported as saying, “The money simply wasn’t good enough – they wanted me to take a cut. Obviously, they think I’m either a great president or a horrible pitcher.” The Nationals said, however, “The deal breaker came in all the small clauses he tried to sneak by us… [he] wanted to change the name to the ‘Washington O’Bombers.’ I mean, we’re the Nationals, and even we know that sounds stupid.” Thus ended all hopes of a new face in the rotation and headlines reading “Obama Leaves Washington; Heads for Washington.”
The Bracket Racket: Obamacares Not About Vanderbilt
Last Tuesday President Barack Obama revealed his distaste for all but one of the 65 schools in this year’s NCAA tournament by predicting that only Kansas would make it through the month undefeated. Like most Americans, Obama made his picks based solely on his feelings on each school, giving no consideration whatsoever to their basketball prowess.
After filling out his bracket many of Obama’s top aids were surprised that the President would so blatantly pick teams based on his own personal feelings. When asked if he perhaps should have considered the strength of each school’s basketball program, Obama reportedly responded, “Basketball? Weren’t you guys just asking me to rank how much I liked each of these places?”
And indeed Barack’s bracket simply indicates the amount of love the President feels towards the area of the country containing each of the competing schools. For example, Wisconsin secured itself a ticket to the, “Sweet sixteen,” by giving Obama their electoral votes in 2008, whereas Houston, Sam Houston, UTEP, and North Texas all secured themselves first round losses when Texas voted for McCain.
Many students at Vanderbilt University were angered when Obama called for Murray State to take down the Commodores in the first round. According to sources close to the President, this decision was based on a combination of, “A man who once cut Obama off while driving in Nashville, and a great turkey sandwich [Obama] ate during a campaign stop in Murray, Kentucky.”
While Obama did end up correctly predicting the Murray State upset, not all of his preference-based picks turned out to mirror the basketball tournament. The President reportedly had a, “Great time,” speaking at Notre Dame’s graduation last spring, and therefore decided that he liked that school far better than Old Dominion University. However during the actuall basketball game, ODU overcame what Obama describes as, “One butt-ugly campus,” to defeat Notre Dame 51-50.
Those that know Obama best were not at all surprised to see the leader of the free world pick Kansas as his absolute favorite team. Obama has always loved the entire state of Kansas, thinking it to be far superior than any other state in the country. Said Obama, “Kansas is just an incredible place. Those gorgeous rolling planes, the most beautiful, kind-hearted people in the world, and of course that metropolitan mecca that is Kansas City. Hands down the best state ever, I love them way more than any of these other shitholes.”
While not everyone knew about the President’s love of all things Kansas, Obama does very little to hide his feelings for the state. Obama reportedly likes to eat dinner once a week with the congressional delegation from the Sunflower State. According to first lady Michelle, “Yeah, Barack looks forward to that dinner all week, he even wears his special Kansas themed pajamas the night before to get ready.” Obama also reportedly likes to dot his eyes with little sunflowers, and keeps a Western Medowlark (The Kansas state bird) in the oval office.
Students at Kansas State University felt jilted that Obama would only pick one of the state’s schools to win the tournament. One student told reporters that, “If Obama actually loved the state of Kansas, then he would have picked both of us to win in his bracket. Its just total BS, how can he say that we’re a good school, and then turn around and say that we might lose a basketball game? Insane.”
More than anyone else though, the Northern Iowa University Panthers felt personally offended when Obama decided that he likes Kansas better than their school in the second round of his bracket. Iowa senator Chuck Grassley said his state felt personally offended by Obama’s decision. “I mean sure Kansas is nice but we do everything we can to be Barack’s friend! We send him baskets filled with delicious corn, my wife gave Michelle her world famous conbread recipie, we even invited him over to play Wii bowling with us! Why don’t you like us Barack?! Why!?”
On Saturday the Panthers decided to take matters into their own hands by beating Kansas in a basketball game. Coach Ben Jacobson had some choice words for Obama after the game, saying, “Take that you big stupid head!” and sticking out his tongue.
