I am glad the Olympics are over. Now, don’t get me wrong—I love the obnoxious yelling of “USA! USA! USA!” and spandex-covered (and toned) athletes, but my grades do not. The Olympics are one of the best things to happen every two years, and one of the worst.
With a full waste-time schedule already of YouTube videos, Onion articles and Grey’s Anatomy episodes, adding clips of Shawn White’s winning snowboarding run or montages of crashes during the downhill slalom, I just didn’t have time… to do my homework. I wish that I could say that I was behind in schoolwork for a noble reason—my fish died; The Slant came out this week (a go-to reason for any newspaper editor); I was soooo wasted Saturday night that I couldn’t resume real work until Thursday. Alas, I just watched a lot of Olympics (although that’s certainly not how I spent my Saturday night).
The Olympics are glorious. When on any other Wednesday afternoon if you turn on the television to NBC all you will see is… well, I don’t know. Besides The Office or 30 Rock, I don’t ever watch NBC. Regardless, it’s probably bad. But not during the Olympics. The Olympics are a fantastic two weeks of retired athletes re-living the glory days through un-insightful commentary, current athletes securing their glory days or their publicity deals, and fans dressing in obnoxious colorful versions of their national symbols.
What is better than Sweden’s national bird the Eurasian black bird (besides the bald eagle)? A fan dressed up in a Swedish blue and yellow version of the Eurasian black bird. And what is better than a paper analyzing the effects of corruption in Post-Soviet regions? Anything. You see my point?
Thankfully (although it is bittersweet), the Olympics are over. With no important sports events coming up soon (pshhh, what happens in March?), I can finally focus back on what really matters: More YouTube videos.
The Olympics are over!
Winter Olympics experience Seasonal Affective Disorder
A petition filed by a grassroots international coalition to move the Winter Olympics to a more favorable season, Spring, has been voted on and approved by the International Olympic Committee. Although general initial response was surprise and dismay, upon further consideration fans, athletes and television networks are excited.
“Honestly, it’s cold and boring here,” one fan lamented at the Vancouver games. Some argued that that’s just Canada, but consultation of viewing numbers and a survey of fans revealed otherwise. In the US, American Idol still had higher numbers than the Olympics, meaning that America, so presumably the world, thrives on mediocrity and petty drama. “Having the Olympics in the spring would allow for an MTV Spring Break-esque atmosphere at the Games. There’d be hookups and breakups galore, plenty of backstabbing, and we know all the athletes look great in swimwear,” an Olympic official told this Slant reporter. It has also been rumored that Jersey Shore’s ‘The Situation’ has been hired as a consultant on this social aspect of the Games to report in 2014.
The athletes are pumped about this new era as well, because the events are staying the same despite the move. The ice skaters will have to quadruple lutz over holes in the ice, hockey players can push each other into the water instead of checking, luge and skeleton will more so resemble giant water slides and skiers will have to avoid grass patches. These modifications will challenge the athletes mentally and physically, adding a new dimension to their game. Furthermore, the sheer danger and stupidity of the sports now are not only interesting, but captivating, appealing to everybody’s reckless side. “I’m so stoked for these Games. I’ve never shredded a half-pipe with melting snow before, but it’s just going to add to my skills. Some say it’s impossible, I say I’m Shaun White,” America’s favorite red-head since Little Orphan Annie said.
NBC is so excited about the move that they filed a subsequent petition moving for the Olympics to be held every spring, flatly denying accusations that this was filed to further avoid coming up with programming to fill their gaping schedule and help their horrendous ratings. Despite motivations, everybody can agree: these new Olympics are brilliant – part reality show, part stupid human tricks, part international cooperation and copulation. Everything America loves and more.
For the love of Conan!
Conan O’Brien deserves way more than the underhanded treatment he received from NBC this past month proving that CEO Jeff Zucker is one of the largest assholes in America.
The drama began in 2004 when Jay Leno announced that Conan O’Brien would be his successor to The Tonight Show starting in 2009 keeping in mind the previous debacle that occurred in the early 1990s. To fill you in a bit of cultural history, when Johnny Carson retired in 1992, then-Late Night host David Letterman was certain that he would inherit the job, but in a twist of stupid, Carson’s frequent guest host and fellow stand-up comedian Jay Leno took the cake. Rightfully pissed off, Letterman went his own way to CBS and became the competition until he recently became senile. Shortly thereafter, Conan was given Letterman’s old show. Uncharacteristically, Conan, a Harvard grad, had only been a screenwriter for The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live rather than a stand-up comedian as Leno and Letterman had been. Of course this gives people like myself and other Slant staffers hope for the future as Conan had been editor of The Harvard Lampoon. Ironically, Jeff Zucker at the time was the editor for Harvard’s much less interesting real school newspaper.
Unfortunately, around 2004, at NBC Jeff Zucker had risen to CEO of the company and many terrible decisions started being made. With the exception of perhaps only The Office, almost all of the new shows on NBC under Zucker tanked harder than a gaggle of drunk sumo wrestlers overloading an elevator. I mean, I’m sure some people liked the Friends spinoff Joey but most Americans wouldn’t even remember such a torrential traveshamockery. Basically most cable channels such as FX started outperforming the former powerhouse NBC.
Ok, students, so Jeff Zucker was singlehandedly running NBC from a first place network to whoring itself out for spending money, erstwhile Conan O’Brien was licking his chops, because he seemed to be the only one benefitting. Anyway, so in 2004, Leno was certain he would be retiring by 2009, but as the time came nearer he became less confident in his decision and decided to go back on his word. Naturally, NBC went into panic. Fearing to lose Leno to another network, Jeff Zucker used his wonderful Harvard degree in American History to enact his masterstroke of media economics: to put Leno on before local news for an hour. In theory this move would save oodles of money that would be needed to produce dramas that had previously occupied the timeslot. And in actuality, that is what happened. The Jay Leno Show did exactly as expected: it sucked at ratings but saved money by cutting costs. Unfortunately for America, the ratings had more of an impact. Jay Leno got so few viewers that Conan and newly-appointed Late Night host Jimmy Fallon also got shit amount of viewers. As such, television legend Craig Ferguson consistently beat Fallon at ratings. While the folks at CBS enjoyed this ordeal, NBC’s local affiliates were hurt the most. Local news ratings across the country went to absolute doggie doo because of Jay Leno.
This fact takes us to the present: January 2010. NBC listens to the plights of the local affiliates and comes up with a final solution: cut Leno’s show to a half hour and push back the entire late night talk show lineup. Strangely no one made a big deal about how this would have put Carson Daly out of a job. Oh, wait. Ok, so, NBC justified this whole move by using a loophole in Conan O’Brien’s contract that allows The Tonight Show to be pushed back because of sports programs that run over their allotted times. Way to go, NBC. Basically, Conan got rightfully pissed off seeing as that they had favored the coward Leno over, say, an honest, hard-working person of character. Also, on the eastern seaboard, The Tonight Show would be starting technically tomorrow at 12:05 AM eastern. Conan wasn’t very happy about this or the fact that no one consoled him or asked his opinion on the whole matter. Not pleased about NBC’s ultimatum of swap times or leave, Conan left. The internet went berserk, and some very passionate person created the prominent “I’m with Coco” image reminiscent of a certain Barack H. Obama’s conspicuous campaign graphic.
On January 18th, fans amassed outside Universal Studios to hold a support rally for Conan. Richie “La Bamba” Rosenberg, the trumpet player in The Tonight Show Band, was driven around in a popemobile at the event. Conan even made an appearance and gave out free slices of pizza to his fans. Just goes to show you that pizza is the great equalizer, a lesson most of us have learned since entering college.
On Conan’s last show, he did the exact opposite of what the network execs had done and acted with class and dignity thanking NBC for giving him a job to begin with despite how so quickly things became sour. Before rocking out with Beck, Ben Harper, Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top and, of all people, Will Ferrell, Conan pleaded that young people stop being so cynical. That seems like a bit of a tall order for us staffers here at The Slant, but he may just be onto something. But I guess it says something that this whole incident has led me to write my most serious article ever. However, do not listen to what Justin Barisich has to say about this incident by any means; he is a scallywag, a scoundrel, a miscreant, a hooligan, a whippersnapper, a vagabond, a rapscallion and just a terrible person in general.
