Haven’t had enough of Yogurt Oasis, Yogi’s, Sweet CeCe’s and Pinkberry? Well, try to contain your excitement, ‘cause yet another fucking fro-yo place is coming to a campus near you. But keep your panties on, ladies: this one is for the bros.
That’s right, gentlemen, Bro-Yo just announced the opening of a store on West End for all of your brotastic brozen brogurt needs. Those sissy fro-yo places can suck it, ‘cause with Bro-Yo around, shit is gonna get real. You heard me right, Yogurt Oasis. No more of your weight guessing and dart throwing for discounts. At Bro-Yo, you get 25% off your order if you can chug a delicious Smirnoff Ice on one knee.
The decision to open Bro-Yo in Nashville came after some complaints from male Vanderbilt students and faculty that the other fro-yo places made them feel out of place and feminine. In an exclusive interview, Bro-Yo CEbrO Max Sausage said, “There was one huge gap in the otherwise saturated frozen yogurt market: the brogurt gap. Now, all the bros at Vandy don’t have to feel that awkward gay tension when they and their friends go for a frozen treat.”
When asked about the origin of the company, Sausage responded, “It is my belief that bros should have access to healthier alternatives to ice cream. Bro-Yo brogurt features 0g saturated fat, but 100% saturated frat!”
Indeed, the entire menu at Bro-Yo is fat free, but diverse offerings set Bro-Yo aside from all the chick places. Alcohol-themed flavors such as Strawberry Gin & Juice and Stoli Vanilla cater to more traditional tastes, while enterprising customers can go wild with Frozen Franzia Frenzy and Captain Morgan’s Frozen Yarrrrgurt.
The grand bropening is set for Brovember 11th, which is conveniently a Thursday, at 4:00 PM. Bros are encouraged to bring their hos, but hos will not be admitted on their own. So join the Bro-Yo team for the start of something wonderful, and enjoy a complementary Heineken with your first brogurt purchase. And even if you don’t show up, kick one back anyway to toast the latest victory for bro-dom everywhere.
Not Just For Chicks and Nancy Boys: Bro-Yo Brings Fro-yo to the Bros
It’s On: Battle Rages for Control of Frozen Yogurt Scene
Utter chaos has erupted throughout the Nashville area in response to an issue that has nothing to do with last week’s VSG elections. As a result of the opening of two and a half new establishments in recent months, Nashville dessert enthusiasts have a major dilemma on their hands: Where to go for their frozen yogurt fix.
Yogurt Oasis, the previous boss of the frozen yogurt machine, is having its monopoly challenged by idealistic upstarts Sweet Cece’s, Yogi’s Frozen Yogurt Bar, and that unnamed thing in the basement of Sarratt. Though all establishments provide variations of the same guilt free treats, they are not willing to divide the customer base. Consequently, a battle has erupted between the stores with each calling upon their customers to take up arms in defense of their favorite fro-yo.
However, not all of the stores were quick to embrace aggression.
“Here at Yogi’s, we embrace Gandhi’s principles of non-violent resistance, so instead of encouraging our patrons to fight, we invite them to join us for weekly meditation sessions aimed at focusing the mind on the pursuit of nirvana,” Yogi’s Yogurt Bar guru Mahatma McDonald said.
No militia has arisen in defense of the Unnamed Café either. Representatives at Sarratt say that they are too unorganized at the moment to even consider a run at supreme ruler of the frozen yogurt world.
With two challengers removing themselves from the low-fat fray, the combat has reduced to Yogurt Oasis versus Sweet Cece’s.
When asked about the fight, the Yogurt Oasis rep immediately defaulted to their cute “Great taste that won’t go to your waist” slogan, but followed it up by noting their main clientele as the secret to securing Nashville fro-yo domination.
“We have sorority support,” the rep said, “and do not be deceived by their perfectly coiffed hair and cute outfits. Those girls are scrappy.”
After being cordially invited to join their sing-along on Friday nights, during which Belmont students can be found sitting on the ground outside the store singing Christian favorites in unison, the Sweet Cece’s rep kindly noted that God is on the side of this family friendly establishment, and that Yogurt Oasis can suck it.
It appears that the fate of the fro-yo world is still up in the air, but this is one war that this reporter wouldn’t mind extending. Since the power evidently lies with the consumer, grab a spoon and dig in. This stuff is fat free, so take as long as you want to decide.
Top Ten Reasons to Stay in Nashville This Summer
10. Let’s face it, packing is a bitch, and you know it.
9. You really don’t want to have to go through Atlanta.
8. Your parents don’t want you.
7. Your parents do want you, but you just happen to be from Nashville.
6. Still looking for your muse in Music City.
5. Lacking a few hours for your quadruple major.
4. No income tax, so you can finally start that home brewery.
3. Your home state is currently going bankrupt.
2. You really enjoy nicely paved interstates and orange barrels.
1. You were still drunk and missed your flight.
Burrito Baron ‘Chipotle’ Wreaks Havoc in Nashville
That’s right folks, the moment you’ve all been waiting for has finally come. After years of planning, there is finally another Qdoba…I mean a Chipotle, open on West End. We sat down with Chipotle marketing director Beanie Rice to discuss the new restaurant. Rice began by explaining the reasoning behind the new location, “In light of the economy, Chipotle has realized that instead of improving the quality of ingredients to lure in the customer, it’s far cheaper to just open in places where local food is so completely unappealing that customers truly have no choice about where they go to get good food”. Apparently Chipotle believes that its “burrito” can stack up favorably against the Randito, famous for its cardboardey taste as well as well as its signature heartburn. However, the Randadilla and Randacos will be more difficult to surpass. Chipotle does serve their own versions, called Tacos and Quesadillas, (whatever those are?) but the Mexican versions quite simply don’t stand up next to the Tennessee originals. Chipotle has also managed to successfully appeal to students preferences in dining atmosphere. Rice claims that they have intentionally hired people who only speak English as a foreign language and they intend to create massive lines at peak hours so that students truly feel as if they are having an on-campus experience.
Regardless of Chipotle’s corporate strategies, hundreds of burrito connoisseurs made the pilgrimage on Friday for the grand opening, causing pandemonium not only at Chipotle, but also in the bathroom at the Jay-Z concert 4 hours later. According to VUPD’s crime log, several students were detained for public defecation after open stalls simply were not to be found. Officer Matt Smiley told The Slant, “I know some kids were really excited about Jay-Z coming, but honestly, pants-shitting excited is taking things a little bit too far”. As one student put it, the Jay-Z concert was just “really shitty”. Apparently VUPD was not aware of Chipotle’s involvement in the incident and accordingly no charges have yet been filed.
