Synopsis: An earthquake opens up a trench between a lake and another lake under the first lake, releasing a pack of vicious, prehistoric cannibalistic piranhas. The piranhas, tired of eating each other, quickly devour the topless co-eds partying over spring break. Luckily, the sexy sheriff, a mother of three, is there to save the day when her idiot children take off in a boat against her explicit directions.

Rating: Half pornography, half graphic violence, this movie is a must-see for sociopaths and drunken frat boys. (-3/10)

The Last Exorcism

Synopsis: In a small, hick town in Louisiana, a teenage contortionist in a white nightgown is possessed by a demon…or is she? This movie, shot in the first person, follows the exploits of dishonest Reverend Cotton as he pretends to exorcise her demon. Boring and predictable, the cheap attempts at scares miss the mark. At least until the last ten minutes, when (SPOILER ALERT!) you witness a demon birth orchestrated by a cult, and the cameraman drops the camera. This exciting movie ends with a close-up of a rock. In the dark.

Rating: Worth it for the audible “What the ****?!” from fellow audience members. (1/10)

Vampires Suck

Synopsis: Awkward, open-mouthed teenager Becca Crane must decide between Jacob White, a hairy, cat-chasing youth, and Edward Sullen, a pale, bloodthirsty immortal.  If you have any sense of humor, or perhaps are a little tipsy, you will love this hilariously accurate take on the popular preteen fantasy. Guest appearance by the Black-Eyed Peas.

Rating: IMDb vastly underrated this movie at 3.3 out of 10. With its vague, underdeveloped characters, poorly-shot action sequences, and excess of blinking and mouth-breathing, Vampires Suck far surpasses the original Twilight. (15/10)

Every year there are a few glimpses of genius. 2008′s would be the excessively violent and over-exaggerated Japanese flick The Machine Girl. From one look at the poster, you know this is clearly a big ripoff of Planet Terror, and I’m not saying that it isn’t, but it’s more. It doesn’t have zombies, but it goes above and beyond the call of duty. The B-movie mantra is pushed to every facet of the film from the opening scene to the final credits.

The “plot” is as follows: a group of high school bullies who follow a Yakuza leader’s son murder a girl’s brother, so she swears revenge to kill them. If you can deduce from the title and the poster, something happens along the way to spice it up a bit.

The acting is bad (most of the female roles are models/porn stars including the moms),the costumes are bad, the soundtrack is bad, the set design is bad, the dialogue is bad (the writer/director made pornos also), the action is bad… the only thing that is not terrible appears to be the budget, but this and the rest makes all of it INCREDIBLE! But it’s not bad like The Room bad, it’s intentionally bad. Everything is so over the top, that even the most disgusting violent brutal deaths are hilarious because of the obvious cheaply made props or prosthetic dummies. The melodrama is so thick at times that it spews out like the gushing fake blood hoses from seemingly every character’s body. If you thought Kill Bill set the bar for fake blood, this movie does an Olympic high jump over that bar and then impales someone with it.

I haven’t laughed this hard for the duration of an entire movie in a long time. All in all, I give it five donuts out of five!

I’m thinking of making it mandatory Slant watching material, and if you disagree with me, then you are a no-good hypochondriac recluse who constantly pees on the hall’s toilet seat! Did I mention that the spiritual sequel to this is called RoboGeisha?

Yeah, this movie is awesome.

By Joe Souter

James Cameron, a screen writer renowned not only for his fascinating scripts but also for the movements which they represent, has caused tumult across America with his latest movie, Avatar. Cameron is remembered from the 1997 as sending shockwaves throughout the world when his screenplay ‘Titanic’ prophesied the outcome of the 2009 Vanderbilt football season, a nightmare come true for even the most hopeful Commodore fans. Now, Cameron’s latest hit has come under fire by several blue activist groups who say that their portrayal as a backwards and tribal people has only gone to further stereotypes which have held them back for centuries.

The first to feel the backlash from Avatar were members of the Democratic party. Al Gore gave a press conference earlier this month, noting Cameron’s attempt to portray all of the ‘Blue States’ as tree pluggers who wear loin cloths as playing into typical democratic stereotypes that tend to drive people away from the party. He also felt the need to explain that, should the health care bill be passed, the American public will not be fully at the mercy of lying underneath glowing trees and chanting in circles; though he doesn’t deny that these measures have helped in the fight against global warming. Gore was noticeably silent when questioned about the internet’s origins spawning from the unobtanium black market.

Amongst the others to join Gore in the fight were fans of Michigan, Kentucky and Duke, all of whom came out earlier this week to show their distaste with the smurfs on steroids stereotype. “Look, I just come out and cheer for big blue every game,” said Mike Jones, “that doesn’t mean that I wake up in the morning, ride my big red pterodactyl through the woods looking for white people to kill.” However, not everyone felt that the stereotype was a negative one. One Kentucky fan, who later refused to be named, claimed the movie was in some aspects an accurate portrayal of blue culture, “I really think Cameron hit the nail on the head when he showed how much the Na ‘vi disliked marriage outside of one’s own tribe. We been tellin’ the rest of America that for years.”

Papa Smurf was not nearly as optimistic about the movie’s take on his culture. Apparently he and Cameron spent the last several years trying to find a way to add a 2^nd dimension to smurfs, let alone a 3^rd. “I just feel betrayed by Mr. Cameron’s actions”, said Papa, “how are we supposed to accurately avoid Gargamel in the magical forest if we can only run left or right?” Several smurfs have even gone so far as to say that Cameron is, in fact, Gargamel; they believe the smurfs which he stole were converted to three dimensions, then placed into his movie. Sadly, Papa Smurf doesn’t see how he can ever garner support for his cause, since no one is interested in one-dimensional figures frolicking in the mushrooms when they can have 3d versions engaged in all out warfare.

The Blue Man group also expressed concern about expectations placed upon their future productions. Cameron’s budget, far superior to that of the performing arts group, has allowed him to maximize the entertainment value of blue people. Apparently since Avatar was released, fans at BMG’s shows have been seen putting on and taking off their Avatar 3d glasses, trying to figure out why the show didn’t make sense from either dimension. “Apparently being blue just isn’t enough to merit people paying 60$ for two hours of beating on drums and playing with puppets anymore”, commented BMG’s manager, Indigo Baldman. Seeing their industry as ruined, the Blue Men say that they considered a change of pace, looking into licensing for the “White Man Group”, though plans were scrapped when fans started showing up outside the studio wearing hoods and burning crosses.

More recently, a spokesman for the American Society of the Clinically Depressed came out saying that Cameron’s blockbuster has done great things for its members. Apparently seeing blue people triumph over perfectly happy ones has given depressed people a shot of confidence unseen since the invention of Prozac. “Cameron has shown that the real problem isn’t the blue people of the world, but rather those who are happy. If only we could load them onto ships and off of our planet, our forlorn society could proceed without interruption.” When asked if he had actually seen the movie, the spokesman added that he hasn’t been to the movies since he came dangerously close to laughing while seeing the Hangover, but that he had read the plot summary on Sicklypedia.

In other news, Dennis Rodman felt the need to come out and clarify once again that he is not an alien.

Move aside Precious, illiteracy is so overrated. Hasta la vista, Inglorious Basterds; learn how to spell. Away you go, Away We Go – Maya Rudolph, stick to comedy. The movie of the year, our generation and, dare I say it, of all time has arrived – New Moon.

The newest installment in the defining saga of the 2000s triumphantly combines stellar acting with unparalleled screenwriting, obscenely attractive actors with stunningly beautiful actresses and incredible special effects with sly product placement to create a undeniable cinematic masterpiece.

Kristen Stewart as Bella is back in t-t-top-notch stuttering, rapidly blinking and self-degrading form; paired alongside the eternally (literally) brooding, constantly-excersising-self-control-as-to-not-harm-Bella-and-eat-her Edward, and the newest leg of the love triangle, baby Jacob who seemed incapable of consistently wearing clothes. All three give Oscar-worthy performances, each delving so deep into the characters that rumors have even circulated as to Rob Pattinson frequently consuming animal blood in preparation for the role and Taylor Lautner becoming a nudist. Kristen Stewart was just being herself.

The plot of the movie is pure genius. Although Edward is so in love with Bella that she is his “only reason to stay alive… if that’s what I am,” she spends all of her time worrying about being old and even more insecure, as he retains his youthful glow. Or sparkle.. especially in the sun, if you will. He leaves her. She falls rapidly into a tumultuous depression characterized by night terrors and strange Lykke Li songs, proving once and for all that girls everywhere necessitate constant validation and male company for happiness.

Then comes Jacob. Bella shamelessly leads him on, enjoys his shirtlessness, feels whole again and lets him know how beautiful he is; only for him to abandon her as well. The remains of her self esteem are obliterated. Once again, Bella is alone.

She then figures out that Jacob is a werewolf. And fails to find this strange.

Alice comes back and Bella runs off to Italy with her to try to stop Edward from killing himself. There, they encounter Dakota Fanning, who admirably succeeds in being as obnoxious as always. Edward proceeds to apologize and Bella abandons all self-respect and gets back together with him. She goes back to wanting to be a vampire.. and he gives in. Given that she marries him. This utterly unpredictable plot is something we have not seen in film in years, and warrants endless admiration and acclaim.

Rarely is such a film made with such a wonderful, heartwarming story; but even more rarely is such a film made with the composition and technical aspects up to those standards as well. The overly dramatic camera shots and movement as well as impeccable special effects (namely the slow motion birthday party fiasco and Edward’s breathtaking skin, sparkling more elegantly than a middle school girl decked out in Bath and Body Works’ Body Art roll-on glitter) work together seamlessly to accentuate the story and enhance the value of the masterpiece.

The only downside of this phenomenal movie was the soundtrack; whoever thought it was a good idea to replace Rob Pattinson’s moaning and whining that made the Twilight‘s soundtrack so endearing and powerful with the likes of Death Cab for Cutie and collaborations between some strange groups Bon Iver and St. Vincent was a complete buffoon. Replacing Paramore with Thom Yorke and Grizzly Bear? Inconceivable. Preposterous. Don’t fret though, officials have confirmed that this problem will be remedied with some Miley Cirus, Ke$ha and Jason DeRulo for the next soundtrack.

Soundtrack aside, New Moon is briliant. Numbing the minds of the tween and Pattinsonophile demographics is great, great enough for opening weekend totals rivaling that of trivial films such as The Dark Knight in fact. We are a privileged generation to be able to experience this epic saga in the making.

This film’s greatness seems to be insurmountable, but for Eclipse next summer, the goals have been set even higher. “We plan on expanding our appeal even more,” Twilight insider revealed. “We plan on introducing a Team Alice, to spice things up a bit; as well as a special appearance by Lil Wayne.. because who doesn’t love a little Weezy F Baby?”

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait.