After returning from taking third in the International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella (ICCA) and conquering nearly the entirety of the a cappella world, the Vanderbilt Melodores decided to concoct a new in-house competition to keep themselves awake and interested in their own performance at their most recent concert this past weekend in the Student Life Center.
Erratic-and-nearly-spasmodic-dancing Melodore, Zan Berry, first brought the idea to the rest of the Melofolk. While doing a cross between “The Robot” and “The Garden Sprinkler” at practice one evening, he conjectured, “Fellas, now we know that we’re all ballers when we sing together, but which of us is the most baller?”
Sultry-as-all-hell-and-taller-than-most-statues Melodore, Turi Clausell ,immediately responded with the boast of, “Oh, all you boys know it’s me. Change ain’t gonna come til I say it is, and you kids best believe that I’m heads above you in this game. Wanna high five? Hahaha, nice try, but you can’t. Get to my level.”
Still attempting to get out of the ensemble and to stop harmonizing, wildchild-fratstar-prettyboy Melodore, Matthew Thompson, and mohawked-motor-mouthed Melodore, Brandon Goodman, simultaneously exclaimed, “But fellas, how do we gauge who wins? What do we use to measure our individual ballernesses?”
Once country-all-star-boy-scout Melodore, Nathan Hall, interpreted golden-glove-beat-boxing Melodore Justin Kenney’s Morse Code and epiphany-worthy message, they voted and agreed that the winner would be determined by the amount of clothing that the audience members voluntarily removed whenever each Melodore sang.
With the collective of manly voices at odds, it was only a matter of time before matters grew catty.
Multi-talented-and-sleep-deprived Melodore, Aidan Carr, chuckled smugly to himself. He knew he would have every pair of panties from all the Vanderbilt Off-Broadway members in attendance.
Voice-so-high-pitched-he-could-be-missing-his-Adam’s-apple Melodore, Seth Johnson, wanted to add some clarifications to the rules. After inhaling a small balloon of helium to get a leg up, he chipmunk-chirped, “Guys, guys, guys, I don’t even have to say words. I just make arbitrary semi-instrumental noises and all of the ladies instantly begin throwing their bras at me. Especially the big girls, they love them some little red head, if ya know what I mean. Soooooo, words don’t actually need to be sung. Deal? Cool.”
Moves-so-slick-he-should-be-black Melodore, Ben Edquist, then lobbied that the competition include a dancing element that would allow him to decimate the competition with a single hip shimmy. Jealously, the other Melos denied his request. “This is intended to be a singing competition, you tiny dancer,” pompously noted knighted-and-archivally-wise Melodore, Will Timbers.
Hip-hop-star-in-the-making Melodore, Nick Wells, had only three words to drop, “Black and Gold,” after which he Michael-Jackson-grabbed his crotch, slapped Edquist across the face with a sequined white glove, spun on his heel, and found himself on Youtube to watch his own music video on non-stop replay to psych himself up.
Ivory-tower-of-innocence Melodore, Tyler Verdell, opted out of the competition and grabbed his darkest pair of sunglasses to wear throughout the concert. “Momma wouldn’t approve,” he stated briefly when asked why he would refuse throngs of attractive women throwing themselves at his melodic, hairy self. Walking away, he shook his ass like a duck.
Quiet-and-intriguing-enough-to-keep-you-wondering-what-he’s-really-thinking Melodore, Richard Whalen, just smiled silently at the rest of the Melos. He was already planning to take the win by stripping off his own clothes and running buck-ass-nekked across the stage half-way through the show.
Resident-thunder-bass-Zeus Melodore, Trevor Fortenberry, just nodded calmly in the corner of the room. Knowing victory was surely his – his bassy voice is so powerful that it literally, and selectively, vibrates off women’s clothes. He simply released a James Earl Jones-worthy grumble and replied, “Goooooood, goooooood,” when they all decided that the competition was indeed on.
Following the concert, the winner will be determined upon Melodore founders Shane Stever’s and John Baunach’s unbiased inspection of the video from the concert. Currently, the video is still under review. The winner will receive the right to pick his favorite lady from each of the other Melodores’ hordes of admirers for his own enjoyment without any protestation from the losers.
The selected ladies are, of course, also allowed to object, but with those good vibrations, they’d have to be melofools to do so.
The Real Sing-Off
Stevenson Scientists Discover New Hormone: Melodorphin
Stevenson Center scientists formally announced Thursday afternoon their groundbreaking discovery of a new hormone: Melodorphin. The research team describes the Melodorphin as a chemical within the brain which activates only to the sweet, sultry sounds of Vanderbilt’s own Melodores.
“We’d been studying the effects of the Melodores on certain Vanderbilt females, or ‘Melowhores’ for quite some time now. It wasn’t until Wednesday night’s Melodore concert that we were able to get the samples we needed to make this remarkable discovery,” Stevenson scientist Wade Load said.
According to the report, Melodorphin activates as soon as the Melodores begin to sing.
“Songs such as ‘Let’s Get it On’ and ‘Pony’ seem to have the greatest effect,” says Load.
Throughout the concert, Melowhores experience emotions ranging from giddy to “I am so fucking horny right now.” The Melodorphins reach their prime typically right after the Melodores encore presentation of “Supermassive Black Hole.” It is at this time when many concert attendants experience what scientists call a melodorgasm.
Load explains, “What’s special about this melodorgasm is that it has all the stylings of what you might experience in a typical orgasm but none of the guilt afterwards.”
As the newest acapella group on campus, the Melodores are now scientifically proven to be the coolest. Wednesday night’s concert left many Vanderbilt girls feeling hot, sticky, and satisfied.
When asked about the concert, one girl said “Oh, the Melodores? Are they here? Have you heard them sing? They’re like the Jonas Brothers, but straight! I preordered their CD in like March, and I haven’t stopped listening to it since I got it! I got my friends back home hooked on the Melodores! You should listen to ‘Supermassive Black Hole,’ it’s the best….”
Researchers claim that it is too early to tell what could be the possible uses of this hormone, but they are in talks with NASA to send samples of the hormone and the Melodores ‘Rain Check’ CD to what are sure to be lonely, horny astronauts on the International Space Station come 2011.
Melodores Embark on Grandiose Quest
Today, April 21, the Melodores are having their final concert of the year, “The Meloship of the Ring.” To prepare, members have decided to forgo shaving and wearing shoes up to and throughout the duration of the concert. Throughout the year, the group has had many issues on campus with other a cappella groups, and the Meloship of the Ring is only one in an epic series of performances the group hopes to hold to honor their journey as a new performance group on campus.
“At the beginning of the year, we stumbled upon an old songbook of the Dodecs, and after seeing their bad tonal constructions we, of course, decided to burn it,” Sam Fortenberry said, describing the catalyst that sparked the adventure the group embarked on throughout the year.
After finding the songbook, Fortenberry describes how Concert Choir, wanting to steal the songbook for their director, swarmed the Melodores, battling for the music. “After the battle, we finally thought we got away from the Concert Choir, but then we found ourselves in MRB3 with no way to escape…” fellow Melodore Frodo Baunach said.
Barricaded within MRB3 with Concert Choir bearing down upon them, all hope seemed lost until fellow a cappella group Variations came to their aid, helping to push back the Concert Choir onslaught whilst escaping from the building.
“Man, I don’t know what we would have done without them. In the past, the Melodores and Variations didn’t really work well together, so it was great for them to come to our aid,” Baunach said.
Finally on their own, the Melodores found the nearest barbeque grill on campus and fired up some charcoal. Throwing the songbook into the fire, the Melodores finally felt like they had completed their journey in establishing themselves as an a cappella group on campus.
After the conclusion of their concert series, the Melodores feel as if they will never be able to return to a truly normal life.
“You know, I really think that kind of journey just changes a person, whether he be hobbit, human, or harmonic singer,” Fortenberry said.
