February is a strange month. It has 28 days, but some years it gets all moody and decides to have 29. I guess it’s better than having a random 1/4th of a day though. Can you imagine New Year’s Eve being 30 hours long? Well, that may be a good idea to stimulate the party economies of the world…
What’s really weird is that sometimes our spring break ends up in February. February is hardly spring; it should be called “winter break part 2: junior edition.” It’s like the straight-to-DVD sequel of Christmas Break. On the subject of spring break, is it here yet? I’m worn out of school already, and nothing has even happened yet. Not that there’s anything wrong with taking a whole week off. Wait, though, does that make the MLK day analogous to fall break now?
There’s one thing that everyone should experience in February every year. It’s a time of passion, disappointment, excitement, and commercialism. However, this year, I am without it despite a brief flirt with this beauty in 2010. Yes, I’m talking about the Winter Olympics. If it’s going to snow, we might as well get to watch cross-country skiing at Rand. If it’s gonna be stupendously cold, we better damn well get to watch three hours of curling at night on CNBC. Also, I am hankering for America to beat those damn Canadians at hockey after our country’s hopes were dashed by, of all people, the crybaby Sidney Crosby. Canada was so close to being entirely embarrassed on the world’s stage, especially after their Olympic torch didn’t even work. Not only that, but their government decided this month not to funnel the country’s internet usage either. That idea was on pace to be the blunder in that country’s history. Hey, though, we got to make a few jokes at their expense.
With football over, all the male attention now is directed to March Madness. Let’s be real, here, NCAA basketball is in fact better, because the NBA is the worst league in professional sports. Since 1980, only eight different teams have won the NBA title, and all-time, the Lakers and Celtics combine for over half. You can’t argue with numbers like that.
Let the record show that the greatest news this February is by far the Valentine’s levels for Angry Birds… Now that’s a thinking man’s game.
Feburary – It’s Messed Up
Everyone Surprised by Duke’s Win
This year’s NCAA tournament went out with a bang as cinderella story Duke University captured its very first NCAA title this decade. Those following the tournament were already thrilled to see the formerly unknown school reach the Final Four for the first time in well over 5 years. On Monday the Blue Devils finally reached their storybook ending when they took down perennial goliath Butler University.
According to Blue Devil fans, simply making it into this years tournament was a victory in and of itself. Coach Mike Krzyzewski recalls, “The whole campus went nuts on selection Sunday, I mean it had been almost 364 days since any Duke team had made it in to the big dance… they were just ecstatic.”
When the tournament got underway the Blue Devils had only one goal: to prove that they could hang with the best in the nation. The players were all a little star-struck as they took the court against Arkansas- Pine Bluff in the first round, but they were able to overcome the stage fright and somehow put together a 29 point win.
Center Brian Zoubek says that victory boosted his team’s confidence greatly, “I mean, after we saw that we could play with Tavaris Washington and the rest of the Golden Lions, we started to feel like we really belong here.”
As the tournament wore on, many began to wonder just when the clock would strike midnight for these cinderellas, but somehow the Blue Devils kept on winning. They squeaked past Baylor by only the slimmest of double digit margins to make it into the elite eight. Looking back on the tournament run, Coach Krzyzewski recalls, “This is where I really started to feel like, you know, this is really happening. I mean I’ve only got 12 elite eight trips under my belt, and only 11 of those resulted in a final four bid… I had no idea how to approach this situation. This was uncharted territory for all of us.”
But the basketball gods were smiling on Krzyzewski and his ragtag team of incredibly talented athletes. After making it to the Final Four, Duke prevailed over West Virginia in a nail-biting, nerve wracking, heart attack inducing, no-overtime, 21 point victory that is sure to go down as one of the greatest tournament games of all time.
Heading into Monday’s game, Duke players and fans alike were more nervous than ever. They knew that history was not on their side, as the Butler Bulldogs had never before been defeated in NCAA final’s history.
The Blue Devils managed to reverse this trend though, upsetting the Bulldogs 61-59 in a game reminiscent of another famous Bulldog loss. Georgetown mascot Jack the Bulldog could not help but be reminded of his team’s 1985 loss to Villanova in the NCAA finals. Jack could only send his condolences to the Butler players saying, “I can imagine what those guys are going through, I’d say that this upset is about on par with our ’85 loss, both in shock value and in overall devastation.”
Butler coach Brad Stevens says if he could do it all again, he would have done much more to prepare for what his team thought would be an easy win. “I mean, when you’re going up against some unknown team like Murray State or Duke, its really easy to just look past them and be thinking about the next game. We really underestimated these guys, but what can I say, with these smaller schools, you never know what you’re getting into.”
This victory tastes especially sweet to all of the Duke players who passed up scholarship offers from other more established programs to play in Durham. Guard Jon Scheyer: “Sure, back when I was in high school, I had been recruited by all those great teams I watched as a kid, like Butler and Lehigh and even East Tennessee State… but there was something about this Duke program that really attracted me. I don’t know what it was about coach K, but something told me that even though I had never heard of him, this man knew how to win an NCAA tournament. It may have been those four championship rings he wore during practices… whatever it was, I sure am glad I decided to come to Duke.”
The Bracket Racket: Obamacares Not About Vanderbilt
Last Tuesday President Barack Obama revealed his distaste for all but one of the 65 schools in this year’s NCAA tournament by predicting that only Kansas would make it through the month undefeated. Like most Americans, Obama made his picks based solely on his feelings on each school, giving no consideration whatsoever to their basketball prowess.
After filling out his bracket many of Obama’s top aids were surprised that the President would so blatantly pick teams based on his own personal feelings. When asked if he perhaps should have considered the strength of each school’s basketball program, Obama reportedly responded, “Basketball? Weren’t you guys just asking me to rank how much I liked each of these places?”
And indeed Barack’s bracket simply indicates the amount of love the President feels towards the area of the country containing each of the competing schools. For example, Wisconsin secured itself a ticket to the, “Sweet sixteen,” by giving Obama their electoral votes in 2008, whereas Houston, Sam Houston, UTEP, and North Texas all secured themselves first round losses when Texas voted for McCain.
Many students at Vanderbilt University were angered when Obama called for Murray State to take down the Commodores in the first round. According to sources close to the President, this decision was based on a combination of, “A man who once cut Obama off while driving in Nashville, and a great turkey sandwich [Obama] ate during a campaign stop in Murray, Kentucky.”
While Obama did end up correctly predicting the Murray State upset, not all of his preference-based picks turned out to mirror the basketball tournament. The President reportedly had a, “Great time,” speaking at Notre Dame’s graduation last spring, and therefore decided that he liked that school far better than Old Dominion University. However during the actuall basketball game, ODU overcame what Obama describes as, “One butt-ugly campus,” to defeat Notre Dame 51-50.
Those that know Obama best were not at all surprised to see the leader of the free world pick Kansas as his absolute favorite team. Obama has always loved the entire state of Kansas, thinking it to be far superior than any other state in the country. Said Obama, “Kansas is just an incredible place. Those gorgeous rolling planes, the most beautiful, kind-hearted people in the world, and of course that metropolitan mecca that is Kansas City. Hands down the best state ever, I love them way more than any of these other shitholes.”
While not everyone knew about the President’s love of all things Kansas, Obama does very little to hide his feelings for the state. Obama reportedly likes to eat dinner once a week with the congressional delegation from the Sunflower State. According to first lady Michelle, “Yeah, Barack looks forward to that dinner all week, he even wears his special Kansas themed pajamas the night before to get ready.” Obama also reportedly likes to dot his eyes with little sunflowers, and keeps a Western Medowlark (The Kansas state bird) in the oval office.
Students at Kansas State University felt jilted that Obama would only pick one of the state’s schools to win the tournament. One student told reporters that, “If Obama actually loved the state of Kansas, then he would have picked both of us to win in his bracket. Its just total BS, how can he say that we’re a good school, and then turn around and say that we might lose a basketball game? Insane.”
More than anyone else though, the Northern Iowa University Panthers felt personally offended when Obama decided that he likes Kansas better than their school in the second round of his bracket. Iowa senator Chuck Grassley said his state felt personally offended by Obama’s decision. “I mean sure Kansas is nice but we do everything we can to be Barack’s friend! We send him baskets filled with delicious corn, my wife gave Michelle her world famous conbread recipie, we even invited him over to play Wii bowling with us! Why don’t you like us Barack?! Why!?”
On Saturday the Panthers decided to take matters into their own hands by beating Kansas in a basketball game. Coach Ben Jacobson had some choice words for Obama after the game, saying, “Take that you big stupid head!” and sticking out his tongue.
