Since Adam first gave Eve shit about eating that damned apple, couples have been having their quarrels and issues. Bella thought Jacob wasn’t stalkerish or sparkly enough. Romeo and Juliet had communication issues. Summer just wasn’t that into Tom. While talking to someone in person to call off any kind of relationship is perfectly legitimate, who wants to be around screaming or yelling or crying or, even worse, have the person convince you not to leave? Psh, forget that. Instead, take a few minutes in your room and do the classy thing: write a breakup letter. Sure, there might be a small delay since you have to either get it into their mailbox (which I know every student checks daily) or do the whole sneaky handoff-to-the-roomate deal and sneakily get it on their desk, but no matter, the breakup-ee will find out eventually, and that’s all we’re really concerned about.
1) First and foremost, start with their name. Please, no nicknames, that just gets all sentimental and the last thing you want is to sound any bit remorseful.
2) Give a little padding by saying something you don’t really mean, like they’re beautiful, a great person, a wonderful addition to your life, blabbity blabbity whatever. That makes them feel like they actually had an affect and can thus guarantee them not wanting to talk to you after out of shock that you’d want to end it.
3) Say something along the lines of “While our time together has been wonderful, I think it’s time we see different people.” NEVER use break up. That guarantees a major prank on your dorm room that I know you’d rather not have, not to mention lots of texts and phone calls out of rage and demanding an explanation. Look, you already have one!
4) If you want to be *really* nice and give yourself even more insurance, try to sugar coat why. I fucked your best friend = “I’m not sure I’m able to give you all the attention you deserve.” You’re ugly = “I think we’re drifting apart and I don’t want to change you or hold you back since you’re such a great person.” I fucked your best friend because you’re ugly = “After being with you, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re just not that compatible for the long term.” You get the drill—basically put all the blame on you to make the other person look perfect (yet another way to lessen the breakup texts later).
5) Whether you want to or not, state that you want to be friends. They’ll never talk to you again, but they’ll feel better knowing you’re at the “just friends” level again.
6) Finally, say that you hope they do okay, and know that you’ll be there for them, and a bunch of cute chick flick sappy shit like that. That’s the final bolster.
Sign your name at the bottom, stick it in an envelope, stamp it if you feel the urge, and you’re set! One relationship down, one ragefest celebration to go.
If you’re totally against sending a letter, the next best thing is a text, although it’ll take longer since you actually have to talk to them. If that just totally isn’t for you, send them an email so they’ll check it later that day.
Good luck writing, and enjoy being single, asshole!