Quidditch

Quidditch has made its way onto many college campuses, and into many of our hearts, so why shouldn’t it be an Olympic sport? Of course, the United Kingdom would kick ass, given that they have Harry Potter and friends on their team…but we should give the world a chance to play this epically amazing sport. Flying sticks, flying balls—it’s basically men’s wrestling anyway, so let’s just add it!

WWE Wrestling

Ok, so we’ve already got wrestling—but let’s be honest, it’s a little too realistic. Wrestling isn’t much fun to watch without screaming, skin-tight costumes, and a dramatic touch of complete fakeness (yes, wrestling is fake…sorry if that was a spoiler). WWE-style wrestling would be entertaining, athletic (sort of), and an overall great contribution to the Olympic games.

Beer Shotgunning

So, this has technically never been deemed a sport, and the Olympic Committee probably wouldn’t approve it, considering all kinds of ethical rules. But, think about it: it takes stamina, speed, strength, and an overall competitive attitude. When you consider all of the college students spending their time shotgunning beers in their ten-by-ten dorm rooms, it makes you wonder why they’re not out their showing off their talents.

Interpretive Dance

Most people love watching the ice dancing competition, which is, of course, a classic. But where’s the interpretive element? It’s important to know what people are actually thinking throughout the music, on and off the ice. There are many types of dance, but everyone seems to forget about interpretive, so let’s bring it to the Olympics, Summer AND Winter.

Farmville

Alright…realistically, this will never be an Olympic game. But, it’s competitive, it awards points for successes, it’s ridiculously popular for no apparent reason, and it’s accessible to all countries. So, in theory, it’s the perfect addition to the Summer games. If you think about it, it’s basically like curling: everyone likes it, but no one knows why.

So, by the time 2012 rolls around (or, maybe more realistically, 2036 by the time they take our suggestions), hopefully someone will add these spectacular and popular games and sports to the Olympics. Why not, right?

“At first we allotted Vanderbilt the benefit of the doubt and saw the infinite similarities as mere coincidences,” the rep said. But after the less-than-expected profits from the sixth movie and a general temporary lack of income, it was time for action. “It was blatant theft and imitation, absolutely shameless,” the rep sniped. “They abandoned commonplace American university procedure and replaced it with Hogwarts knockoffs.. and then tried to hide it. It’s highly offensive and, honestly, utterly absurd.”

Complaints listed included the following: the referring to of freshmen as ‘first-years’; the utilization of ‘Houses’ instead of dorms; having prefects (aka ‘RAs’); and using Heads of Houses to govern respective dwellings. “That was just what caught our attention initially,” the rep said. Upon further inspection, the investigators were dumbfounded. “The depth to which the administration at this school ripped off Rowling and the Potter name is obscene.” The search revealed plans to have a ‘Commons Cup’, revoltingly similar to Rowling’s ‘House Cup’; a dining hall modeled directly off of the Great Hall, featuring high ceilings bedazzled with chandeliers and an abundance of candles; and the recent formation of a Quidditch team, complete with broomsticks and a Snitch. Some House Heads have had the nerve to up the ante further – frequently holding ‘Murray Magic’ gatherings, with invites sent exclusively via text (not unlike the gold coins for Dumbledore’s Army, eh?). In addition, rumors have circulated as to the replacing of pencils and paper with quills and scrolls as an even further effort to ‘go green’, clearly the code name for Project Hogwarts.

Although official public relations employees have refused to comment, a member of the Chancellor’s office, who would like to remain nameless (who shall be referred to at this point on as She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) gave this Slant writer the scoop. “Honestly, Rowling and her crew must have been Obliviated to not have noticed all of this. Or Imperiused,” She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named mused. “We looked at Hogwarts and saw a school that worked. It exemplified diversity, uniqueness and the embodied childhood dream. This generation grew up anticipating a letter to Hogwarts on their eleventh birthday only to be bitterly disappointed. We provide an opportunity to really ‘live the dream’. We’re even considering making graduate school a requirement, so the students truly get the seven-year Hogwarts experience here at Vandy.” When asked about the lawsuit and possible consequences, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named quipped: “Don’t worry. We’ve got more than a few tricks up our sleeve yet.”