After 144 days away from the PGA tour to deal with “Pressing Family Issues” or what we call in the hood, a 3 iron to the grill, Eldrick “Tiger” Woods returned the golf course. The media was abuzz with excitement, and many predicted(including myself) that he would runaway with the tournament. Yet despite the roars from the crowds and the endless ovations, Tiger failed to deliver. What!?! Somehow the paragon of golf fitness and physique, lost to some fat white dude with a semi-mullet. What is the world coming to? Next thing you know, some short white foreign guy will win NBA MVP, or the Mets will rise out of the doldrums and win the World Series. What’s that? Vandy made it past the first round this year? No? Shucks. Ok Tiger, you’re off the hook.

I mean from all accounts, this is your first Masters in recent memory when your bevy of brunettes, bouquet of blondes, and ruck of redheads was not waiting for you at the 20th hole with an assortment of “amenities”. Maybe we need to do more than forgive Tiger. It was reported that Wilt Chamberlain had relations with over 10,000 women, and this obviously helped him score 100 points in a single game. Tiger was only in the 20s and is on the cusp of breaking the Golden Bear’s record for Majors. Think of the possibilities for Mr. Woods if he weren’t so conservative, his stats would be on par(my apologies) with those of Best Korea’s aka North Korea’s Kim Jong Il. Mr. Il is known for his superior golf game and hits a hole in one three or four times a round! We all know he has an entire country of mistresses.

Maybe the speculation that marriage is holding Tiger back is only true, if the marriage holds him back from cheating on his wife. Personally, we need more guys like Tiger Woods, seemingly perfect yet horribly tarnished. Fat drunk John Daly isn’t very exciting, thats your typical NASCAR fan who can drive the ball 500 yds. We need a Roger Federer incident, with some working ladies in Amsterdam. Or a Jimmie Johnson with some Waffle House waitresses. It is almost a guarantee that Peyton Manning would not have thrown that pick six in the Super Bowl had he been cheating on his wife. Why else would the Saints be so confident? Heck even Tom Brady stopped winning after he made up his mind and became loyal. All I am saying is, when someone is so loyal to a sport or anything for that matter, they need to be disloyal in some other aspect of their life. Keaunu Reeves’ acting career never truly blossomed until he gave up on the acting part. Heck, even Barack Obama wasn’t able to save America until he gave trillions to those destitute banks and Wall st. Firms.

All that being said, Tiger will come back with a renewed vigor and strength in the next two majors. These are courses where he has won by the course record while not even breaking a sweat(possibly because he knew he’d be breaking a sweat later). So in order to restore the Order in the golf world, let us hope that Tiger recalls some of his fonder moments in life, when he was not tethered to his gorgeous wife or adorable kids, but to some homely looking Perkin’s cashiers or Home Depot garden experts. Despite all this I am glad to know that a talented golfer with a beautiful wife was able to stay competitive and faithful at the same time, even when his rack is bigger than hers. Oh well, hopefully Tiger can roar come June.