Although many freshmen found themselves confused after the first four meals at orientation consisted solely of wraps and sides, Vanderbilt Dining has decided to reveal to the public that the meals were actually a preview of next year’s pending All-Wraps Meal Plan.
Jeffrey Campbell, the recently-appointed Vanderbilt Dining Chairman of Wrap-Related Foodstuffs, plans to completely transform the Commons Dining Hall into a new eatery dubbed “Wraptopia.”
“You see, it’s not really food until it’s wrapped,” pointed out Campbell. “It’s just like putting the wrapping on a Christmas present. The only difference here is that you’re eating the present. And it’s not Christmas.”
Campbell plans to have Wraptopia do away with all the “impurely prepared food” that is currently cooked in the Commons, and instead replace it with appropriately wrap-related substitutes. However, he does note that the actual food content will be the same; it will just all be in wrap form.
“It’s really a perfect system,” states Campbell. “You can go to the Brick Oven as usual. But, instead of getting an unholy ‘normal’ pizza, you get a pizza wrap. Just like the old pizza, but without that ‘I just ate an unwrapped item of food’ guilty feeling.”
Accompanied by Wraptopia’s engenderment will be a new, obligatory meal plan which replaces the current entreé-side combinations with the allowance of one “wrap meal” per meal period. Campbell states that wrap meals generally consist of a wrap, a very bad-tasting bag of sub-par chips, and maybe some questionable-looking fruit.
“The idea here is to focus on the beautiful, seductive wrap itself,” he explains. “In fact, I voted to not even include those other tear-evoking sides at all. In the end, I decided that the chips were alright since they technically come in some sort of wrapping. The fruit was also a tough call, but I compromised at simply shrink-wrapping the fruit before its distribution.
Campbell also explained that he might allow beverages in a future revision of the meal plan.
These proposed changes come after a test-run of the new wraps-only plan on the class of 2013. During the four-meal survey period, Campbell noted that most freshmen “grotesquely squinted at the wraps after biting into them, most likely marveling at the mystique of their luscious intricacies.” Though there were some recorded complaints that the meals didn’t offer enough variety, Campbell points out that the wraps came in vastly different styles of “vomit-inducing green” and “unsettling beige-ish color.”
The Chairman of Wrap-Related Foodstuffs also notes that Wraptopia will be a social experience in addition to an eatery. He plans to use it as a venue to host daily concerts of his indie band, Wrapture, which will play such exciting singles as their newly recorded track, “Bohemian Wrapsody.” The focus of Wraptopia, exclaims Campbell, is to provide an opportunity for socialization which rivals that of the Commons, but also allows students to come together in their appreciation and worship of wraps. “Everyone likes wraps,” proclaims Campbell. “Everyone who loves anything loves them. Do you love something? Then you love wraps too!”
The Committee on Wrap-Related Foodstuffs plans to begin holding auditions for Wraptopia’s lettuce-haired mascot, Wrapunzel, sometime in March 2010.
Wraptopia: Vanderbilt’s New Vision for the Commons
J.K. Rowling Sues Vanderbilt Over Commons Dispute
After approximately eighteen months of prepping the case, a Rowling representative announced last week that the creator of the legendary Harry Potter series is suing Vanderbilt for copyright infringement and general intellectual property theft following the creation of the ‘Commons’ and subsequent programs.
“At first we allotted Vanderbilt the benefit of the doubt and saw the infinite similarities as mere coincidences,” the rep said. But after the less-than-expected profits from the sixth movie and a general temporary lack of income, it was time for action. “It was blatant theft and imitation, absolutely shameless,” the rep sniped. “They abandoned commonplace American university procedure and replaced it with Hogwarts knockoffs.. and then tried to hide it. It’s highly offensive and, honestly, utterly absurd.”
Complaints listed included the following: the referring to of freshmen as ‘first-years’; the utilization of ‘Houses’ instead of dorms; having prefects (aka ‘RAs’); and using Heads of Houses to govern respective dwellings. “That was just what caught our attention initially,” the rep said. Upon further inspection, the investigators were dumbfounded. “The depth to which the administration at this school ripped off Rowling and the Potter name is obscene.” The search revealed plans to have a ‘Commons Cup’, revoltingly similar to Rowling’s ‘House Cup’; a dining hall modeled directly off of the Great Hall, featuring high ceilings bedazzled with chandeliers and an abundance of candles; and the recent formation of a Quidditch team, complete with broomsticks and a Snitch. Some House Heads have had the nerve to up the ante further – frequently holding ‘Murray Magic’ gatherings, with invites sent exclusively via text (not unlike the gold coins for Dumbledore’s Army, eh?). In addition, rumors have circulated as to the replacing of pencils and paper with quills and scrolls as an even further effort to ‘go green’, clearly the code name for Project Hogwarts.
Although official public relations employees have refused to comment, a member of the Chancellor’s office, who would like to remain nameless (who shall be referred to at this point on as She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) gave this Slant writer the scoop. “Honestly, Rowling and her crew must have been Obliviated to not have noticed all of this. Or Imperiused,” She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named mused. “We looked at Hogwarts and saw a school that worked. It exemplified diversity, uniqueness and the embodied childhood dream. This generation grew up anticipating a letter to Hogwarts on their eleventh birthday only to be bitterly disappointed. We provide an opportunity to really ‘live the dream’. We’re even considering making graduate school a requirement, so the students truly get the seven-year Hogwarts experience here at Vandy.” When asked about the lawsuit and possible consequences, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named quipped: “Don’t worry. We’ve got more than a few tricks up our sleeve yet.”
