The Slant» Freshmen

Bucket-List Bingo

Meryem Dede — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 23:03:13 +0000

School’s coming to an end and that means getting all the shenanigans that you can in before either your life as a real adult begins or you have to go home to your parent’s house. We here at The Slant believe everything’s better as a game, so Bingo fans, eat your heart out.
Seeing as seniors have had more time, the rules go as follows:

Freshmen: Just get a simple Bingo. We’ll let you start simple.
Sophomores: Postage Stamp: Cover the right or left hand corner of your Bingo card.
Juniors: X marks the spot: Plus sign or diagonals, you’ve had 3 years; get your shit together.
Seniors: Black-Out. That’s how we expect you to be on Friday nights and how your board
should look after you cover it in chips. That’s right, we expect you to have done all this shit.

Pensive Thoughts

Clay Christain — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 19:54:41 +0000

Ladies, gentlemen, I write this to you near the end of my tenure as editor in chief of The Slant, your favorite student publication. March 23rd, as hard as it is to believe how quickly that it has come, is my last issue leading you blindly into the fray against corruption, bigotry, snooty professors and sometimes downright disgusting food.
As I return from walking back home slightly drunkenly on a Saturday night, all I have to say is that The Commons experiment is not as bad as we all think it is or thought it was. You freshmen may not believe it, and you Kissam-free sophomores may enjoy being away from it, but the conveniences of living with your entire grade within urinating distance is certainly something to remember.
Sparing you the buzzwords such as “community” or “living and learning,” The Commons truly is a bonding experience. After the awkward couple of weeks that we all shared, I used to look forward to when I’d be 21 and living in a Towers suite, but honestly I want to return back to when we were a little more innocent and had a few more years ahead of us. Not to say that this year and the last were lost, but walking through Commons slightly inebriated at 3:00 in the morning made me realize that living there is a lot like getting hazed except with 28 meals a week. We all went through it, and we all really hate those people who had the corner rooms in the new buildings. Assholes…
As someone who’s lived in Nashville his whole life, I didn’t think much of these crazy new and renovated dorms in August of 2008. However, now I yearn for the simple days of being an undecided engineering major who delighted a side of Japanese class. Thinking about that, I really do miss having a class where we actually talked with each other about things that didn’t suck. Even as my GPA and tendency to fail Calculus classes repeatedly shows that I’ll probably be here past 2012, I miss those lazy winter nights of being absolutely dumb and going into the cold to smoke cigars next to the Wyatt center. I live on the 14th floor now; I can’t be crawling out of people’s windows onto balconies…
Freshmen, freshwomen, as the time draws near to pick housing ballots, please realize the great opportunities you have remaining to stay friends with people you may not otherwise know, also known as your random hall mates, because once you return for you sophomore year, things will not stay the same no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that they will be.

To Alarm of Frosh, Forcible Fondlings Reach The Commons

Agbo Ikor — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 21:06:04 +0000

An incident that occurred in the early morning of Saturday, January 29 gives truth to the assertion that each entering freshman class is smarter than the class before them.
Around 4:15 A.M. Saturday morning, a Commons co-ed was awoken by what seemed to be someone slowly and methodically pulling her sheets off her body.
“At first I thought I was dreaming, but I only have those dreams on Wednesdays. Then I thought it was my roommate, but after my ‘Not tonight, baby; I have a headache,’ wasn’t met with the usual angry groan. I knew something was up.”
The freshman girl who chooses to remain anonymous goes on to explain that upon turning around she was able to make out a strange male pulling the covers off of her.
“I didn’t scream or anything, I just told him to stop, and he did. I told him to get out, but that’s when he fell asleep on my floor. I didn’t want to leave him there because that would be hard to explain to my roommate, so I went to get my RAs.”
Surprisingly, the RAs couldn’t be aroused—pun intended—at that time of night.
“I went and got the security guard in the lobby. He got really excited and called his boys. About four or five of them came to my room and got the guy out.”
It was later revealed that not only did the stranger not go to Vanderbilt, but that he was a prospective student.
“It’s really impressive. This guy is not even in college, and he’s already privy to the ways of a frat boy way beyond his years. If I had known, I probably would have let him at the very least sleep on my floor. The class of 2015 should be amazing.”
For years, we’ve heard that each new freshman class is smarter than the last, and I have to say that after hearing this story, I can believe it.
“These students are getting smarter in the things that matter. I assume that unlike this intruder, a student from the class of 2016 will most likely take my stop for a go.”

“Innovative” Frat Parties Fail to Attract New Freshmen

Billy Bunce — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 05:27:00 +0000

Two weeks ago, hundreds of freshmen flocked to frat row where they hoped to experience Vanderbilt’s most beloved pastime, raging, for themselves. Though many freshies were impressed by the parties they saw, there were a few events that inexplicably flew under the radar.
Phi Phi Gamma’s “Puritan Bros and Amish Hos” party somehow attracted only eleven freshmen all night. The event, described by fraternity president Chad Brunswick as “a combination of fratting and a time-honored abstinence from technology,” allowed partygoers to engage in a variety of fun, God-fearing activities. In addition to classics such as “Churn the Natty” and “Goat Milk Pong,” participants had the opportunity to take an alcohol-education class in which they could view firsthand the horrific effects of drunk buggying.
“It definitely opened my eyes,” exclaimed Kurt Moeman, one of the freshmen who attended the event.” Your reaction time is just so reduced with booze… your horses might sway to the left or right, and you’ve only got about 20 minutes to pull them back into line before your ride gets somewhat perturbed.”
Another unfairly ignored event was Pi Omicron Tau’s “Hungry Hungry Hipsters” party in which indie freshmen smoked marijuana in the back of the fraternity house and then used their pot-induced munchies to power through a vegan feast. In addition, hipster guests were invited to play a modified version of the titular “Hungry Hungry Hippos” game on the front lawn of the house in which the goal was not to eat the most pellets but instead for each player to eat a different amount of pellets than all the other players.
Reportedly, most freshmen ignored the party not only because it had the word “hipster” in its description, but also because of their unwillingness to use illegal drugs as of yet. Of course, this tendency is expected to disappear within the next few weeks as insecure freshmen try to impress fraternity upperclassmen by completely mimicking their habits and mannerisms.
Finally, Gamma Alpha Pi’s “Vinyl Fantasy” had an unexpectedly low turnout as well. This sci-fi/fantasy party allowed participants to enter a number of differently themed wings of the house and party like it’s the 12th day of Bardmoon. The “Lord of the G-Strings” section, for example, hosted a number of scantily clad high-elves along with women of other fantasy races and species. According to the fraternity’s president, though, the hobbit and orcish women were strangely under-utilized for most of the night.
However, the party’s “Transwhoremers” wing found surprising popularity compared to the other sections. For this portion, the frat hired a group of Nashville prostitutes to role-play as robots for the event’s guests; the partygoer who was able to seduce the most women also gained the coveted title of Brahptimus Prime. Though the fraternity initially expected this portion to be a flop, a large number of men from other frats ended up attending. “If a woman’s a robot,” claimed fratter Rodney Lipman, “that bitch does whatever I say. That’s pretty much the dream of every bro out there.”
While these parties may not have found the audience they deserved, it seems that most freshmen did end up finding their favorite themes elsewhere on frat row. A Commons-wide survey conducted by The Slant on the following Monday found that 93.7% of freshmen partygoers preferred the “Beer and Sex” theme above the rest.

The Commons Outed as Real-Life Social Network

Alec Jordan — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 04:55:42 +0000

If you’ve walked around campus in the past few days, you’ve certainly heard the whispers and murmurs about Vanderbilt’s latest scandal. I’m here to settle the issue before it gets too far out of hand. It seems that The Commons, formerly regarded as the official site for freshman facilities and functions, was actually established in an attempt by the Vanderbilt staff to create a real-life social network.
According to an anonymous faculty member, Vanderbilt first concocted the idea after seeing the success of online social networks like Facebook and MySpace. Plans were already in motion to create a new home for freshmen of the future, so the staff decided to go all the way and create a community that would not only draw in students, but also keep them engrossed until forced out. The second part of that mission failed, however. A few years into the project, The Commons has failed to infiltrate the minds of its inhabitants, and many grow bored and jaded of the entire Commons by the end of their first semester here. The lack of interest by students directly translated into a lack of interest by potential investors, and with no foreseeable way to keep the project going, the truth was leaked.
The question that has been posed the most frequently since the news-bomb has been, “What are you talking about? This isn’t like a social-network site at all. You stupid or something?” To those asking this very question, I simply advise you to sit back and think for a moment. What’s the first thing you do when you sign up for MySpace or Facebook? You create a profile – not at all dissimilar to the plethora of introduction activities freshmen are put through in their dorms, classes, etc. What’s one of the key features of Facebook? Status updates. Sound anything like the weekly reports freshmen are required to give at VUCept meetings? You bet it does.
One anonymous staff contact told The Slant, “The reason we were upset over the claims that we were copying Harry Potter was that it was entirely in the wrong direction. Had people insulted us for copying Facebook or MySpace, we would have denied it, but would have been very excited at the same time. I mean, come on! How could we be a Harry Potter knockoff without a tree that beats people or various houses competing against each other for a celebratory cup? Those accusations were hurtful, and to be completely honest, rather disheartening as well.”
Meanwhile, the future of The Commons is foggy at best. Some have speculated that it may be sold to Google, so that the company can start its own social network and, without even trying, make it successful with two megadorms to be built in Kissam with slightly smaller rooms for the freshmen. Another rumor is that the newer dorms of The Commons will be turned into classrooms, and an extra bed will be added to each room in the older dorms. Our contact said that some staffers are trying to keep the entire thing functional. He reports that herding the freshmen around is generally viewed as “Like Farmville, but without the Carpal Tunnel [Syndrome].” This seems to be the least likely approach, however, as keeping The Commons running would be ridiculously expensive and extremely disproportionate in cost when compared to the rest of campus.
Whatever happens, you can bet that The Slant will be right here to bring you the updates. Make sure to check out the next issue, in which we explore the growing rumor that the new “Vanderbilt Single Sign-On” site is an attempt to create a campus-wide dating network.

Student, Squirrel Safety in Concern Following Hawk Assault

Kelley Hines — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 23:24:22 +0000

A freshman’s first day of classes should be filled with merriment and wonder – a day one will not easily forget. My first day of classes was definitely memorable, but not exactly for the most conventional of reasons. That morning, I was bestowed the distinct privilege (or punishment?) of viewing Vandy wildlife up close and personal in its most raw of forms.
As I crossed Peabody Lawn, I observed my environment: clear azure skies, majestic trees with gold-trimmed name tags (classy, right?), and Sperry clad “bros” rushing off to their 1st 8:10 Chemistry lectures and “other” locals. Despite all of these exhilarating sights, what happened to catch my eye was a lone squirrel across the lawn, foraging for nuts and, well, trash. Suddenly, from seemingly nowhere, a hawk descends, picks up its furry prey, and sails off into the blue yonder. Needless to say, I was scared shitless.
Though I was completely shocked, no one else around me seemed to notice anything amiss. It’s always times like these when you look around for reassurance and, of course, no one else has seen a thing. “Oh my God, did you see that hawk attack that squirrel?!”, “What hawk?”, “The hawk that just flew by,” “No, I didn’t see anything,” “@#*$%!” I felt so alone. But, someone else had to have seen something, right? This couldn’t have been the first hawk attack on campus. In a recent discussion with Professor Marshall Eakin at an East House dinner, I came to find out that hawk sightings, while rare, have occurred on campus before. This has led me to believe that this illustrious bird is our own Vanderbilt brand of Bigfoot: mysterious and deadly.
How can we sit back quietly as this hawk assassin goes unpunished? Our squirrel population would plummet drastically. With no squirrels, who else would unexpectedly pop out of the trashcans? We don’t have nearly enough homeless midgets to keep up that kind of initiative. And who says this ever-elusive hawk will stop with the squirrels? Chipmunks, small French dogs, and babies of every variety are all at risk. The Juggling club would no longer be able to practice outdoors and no longer dazzle passersby on their journey to class. Vanderbilt Frisbee culture would perish leading to higher alcohol and drug consumption statistics (because if you can’t play Frisbee, what else is there to do?). Who knows? This hawk may even develop the audacity to build its nest near the site of the initial attack. Public feather burnings in acknowledgment of the event would ensue across campus.
Furthermore, could this traumatic event be a warning from the cosmic universe? Was fate knocking at the door of my subconscious? Obviously, that welcoming feeling that Vanderbilt worked so hard to establish during orientation was out the window by this point. Am I, Kelley Raven Hines, the little squirrel soon to be devoured by Vanderbilt society?! Would I lose myself and morph into a “Vandy girl?” Trade in my “oh-so original” Converses for a pair of cowboy boots? Eh, probably not, but it sure as hell made me think about why I’m here and what I came to accomplish.
As you can see, I’ve put way too much thought into this. So, in conclusion (actually, you should never use the phrase “in conclusion”. It makes English majors want to step on kittens. But anyway…), I’ll leave my fellow class of 2014 with a little advice: be smart, be yourselves, work hard, and look out, because a giant bird might kill you.

TFLVP: 4/21/10

admin — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 22:36:19 +0000

(615): I’ll be keeping my penis, thank you very much!

(865): I love campus right now. All the kids I never wanna see again are gone!

(214): It’s good to catch freshmen, because they don’t have any-
(228): STDs?

(337): Ok, so, it’s Sunday morning, and we’re hungover at Pigeon Forge. We still have two cases of beer left, though, so we should just keep drinking, drive back to campus, and show up singing Ke$ha. Tik Tok, Don’t Stop!

(518): How was he last night? Did he pass out?
(567): He downed four shots and then almost made it back to his cot.

(678): I hate sprinklers. Passionately.

(404): You’re so very witty. Does it keep you company while you sleep? Your wit?

Freshmen Bowled Over by Commons Third Floor Decision

Ethan Messenger — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:50:26 +0000

After much consideration and input on behalf of the student body Vanderbilt University has finally decided to transform the unused space of the Commons 3^rd floor into a bowling alley. Earlier this week Chancellor Zeppos announced the decision. Some of the possibilities for the space had included an arcade, a second pub, and an NRA certified shooting range. With the arcade being deemed too childish, and the second pub pointless because freshman never drink, it came down between the gun range and bowling alley. While the NRA range was a close second, the Chancellor felt that adding additional armed students might increase the number of crime report emails students receive. Seeing as no one likes those emails, the gun range was voted down. When the student body was asked what they thought about the new addition to the Vanderbilt Campus results were mixed.

One freshman girl was quoted saying that, “the Commons is one step closer to becoming a resort, all we need is a spa!”

A super-senior was reported saying, “Great! One more thing that freshman will get to use that I won’t!”

While the student body seems to be split on the recent decision, it is clear bowling is going to come back with a vengeance around Vandy. Chancellor Zeppos declined to be interviewed, however, one can only imagine the thought process behind such a monumental decision. It may be due to the fact that the Vanderbilt women’s bowling team won a national championship only 2 years ago, or the fact that the state of the Nashville’s bowling scene is in serious decline. Many of Nashville’s more prominent bowlers think that this may be the shot in the arm that the city needs to regain its once prominent status as a bowling mecca.

Like beer pong, frat parties, pre-gaming, tailing gating, and winning at football, bowling is surely soon to be a Vandy tradition.

We came to get wasted!!

admin — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:28:21 +0000

In her recent article in Vanderbilt Hustler, Ms. Frannie Boyle lamented the decline of Vandy’s party culture and southern traditions and the increased amounts of studious, Northern freshman. Apparently no one shows them Frat row when they come for the tour, and instead, show them the brand new dorms and dinning facility at the Commons. What a shame—they show up to Vandy expecting to study and unprepared for the rigors of social life. She is right, we need to be honest with them and tell the perspective freshman that those who don’t wear boots, can’t hold their liquor, and don’t like grits need not apply.

It is key that the freshmen that are accepted are given the full immersion into the Vanderbilt community. VUceptors should instruct them on popular drinking games and pre-gamming techniques, hold fashion seminars to ensure they know how to properly conform to social norms, and act as their guide to frat row on those crucial first nights. Yes, freshman must be inculcated by upper classmen to live by the Vanderbilt creed, “work hard, play hard.”

But they must be reminded that studying is important to. If they don’t study then Vandy would just be another party school. Freshman must learn how to study while hung-over or still drunk. They must be reminded what made Hemmingway such a great writer when the time comes for them to write their first paper. If they can’t pull off a solid 3.0 without the sufficient amounts of fun, then they are not getting the full Vandy experience. Working hard is important, but it must come after they have had their fun. I agree when Frannie says, “We came for more than academics.” That’s right Frannie, we came to get wasted!!!

Running of the Frosh

Meryem Dede — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 21:17:38 +0000

The running of the Frosh. Freshmen students flock to Fraternities on Friday, September 4th after not being allowed near alcohol for over two weeks.