Colin Smithterson, a rising Vanderbilt class of 2014 student and former captain of Greengrass High School’s debate team, is announcing to the entire world his desire to discuss Greek life. The seventeen year old swears that he will discuss all of the issues and respect every other student’s respective viewpoints.
“I pledge to value everyone’s ideas and concerns about this pertinent topic,” Smithterson said on the class of 2014 Facebook group. “Let none of us rush to conclusions about this situation as it involves global consequences.”
Connecticut resident Katie Andrews, a fellow rising freshman, publicly asked, “Which groups are you looking at? I heard it’s different for girls!”
“Well, I believe the IMF is the go to organization under today’s circumstance.” Smithterson replied. “Many are turning to Germany, but the solution really transcends any one group of people. Gender doesn’t really play much of a role in today’s Greek politics.”
“Woah!! How many German students are at Vanderbilt?” Brooksbrooks High graduate Allie Chadson asked to the masses. “Are they into the Greek scene?? Totally cool!”
“The Germans have a strong tie to the Greeks,” Smithterson asserted. “To have one without the other in this day and age is entirely unheard of. The entire larger community could collapse without Greeks benefiting from the Germans.”
“Cut the crap! I have one question: who’s gonna have the top parties, man?” aspiring HOD enthusiast Will Blandersmere asked to the group.
“Well, in Germany, no one is sure if Merkel’s CDU will be able to retain as much power in upcoming elections because of the Greeks,” the debater declared. “The crisis in the Greek community is so massive that no one knows for sure who will come out on top. All we know is that most leaders are likely to resign in fear of their personal safety.”
The Slant was unable to reach Greek Life Director Kristin Torrey for comment on the incoming class’s discussion, as she was throwing rocks at a riot squad and looting television sets during an anti-government riot.
Colin Smithterson ('14) and "friends"
