As a woman, I’m kept pretty busy. Between doing laundry, cleaning things, and cooking three meals a day for my husband, Frank, sometimes it feels like I’m being pulled in every direction. So it’s no surprise that I’ve never had the time to learn the ins and outs of the complex game of football.
It’s not that I didn’t want to know about football. My husband and his friends always sounded like they were having a great time when they were watching the games. But of course, whenever the game was on I would be in the kitchen, working on all the fancy dips and snacks Frank and his friends would eat. And after each game was over I’d be so busy with the dishes that I’d forget all about silly man stuff like football.
But that all changed last week when I attended “Football 101 for Women.”
You see, the new football coach at Vanderbilt, Jim Franklin, figured out that there are lots of women like me who just don’t know how to football. So Franklin decided to offer an event where he could teach us all about it. I’m still not sure exactly what inspired Franklin to do this, but then again I’m only a woman, and it’s not my job to know why men do what they do.
I first heard about the event from a leaflet that was placed in my mailbox. As a woman, I obviously don’t know how to read. So I gave the leaflet to my husband and asked him to read it.
At first I thought the idea was rather silly. I mean “Football 101?” It almost sounds like a class! And if I had wanted to learn things, I would have been born a man.
But Frank seemed to really like the idea, so last Saturday I got all the vacuuming done early and headed out to learn about football.
I must say, despite my misgivings, this event was actually a lot of fun! Coach Franklin taught us all sorts of interesting things about the wonderful sport of football. Why, I’ll never forget when Coach led off the event by saying “Football is fun game HIT HIT HIT go!”
Franklin brought a lot of energy to the event and really made the sport come alive. “There are people and they go and like CRASH bang and it’s like a big hit and then he goes and TOUCHDOWN!” (That was how coach explained the opening kickoff.)
I was so glad that I brought my voice recorder with me so I could record every word of Coach Franklin’s lecture. That way I’ll never forget all the great lessons he taught us, like how football has a bunch of downs and kicking.
And the lesson didn’t just stick to football! About fifteen minutes into his talk Coach Franklin decided to give us ladies a few beauty tips. Franklin went around and told every single woman in attendance either “I wanna fuck your titties,” or “UGGO!” depending on each woman’s level of attractiveness.
Don’t tell my husband, Frank, but I must say I was pretty happy to be granted an emphatic “I wanna fuck your titties.”
I enjoyed my experience with Football 101 so much that afterwards I suggested a few more classes that the football team might want to offer. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if us womenfolk could have a nice group of men teach us about confusing topics like cars? Or “voting?” Maybe some man could even teach me how to read!
Just kidding, I know women’s brains can’t process written words.
How I learned to Football Good, Like a Man Does
NFL Calls it Quits after Super Bowl XLV
On Sunday, February 6th, the Green Bay Packers became champions of the NFL after winning Super Bowl XLV in a long, hard-fought battle. However, with labor disputes looming between the NFL owners and players’ association, the two came to an agreement on Monday to bring the whole messy ordeal to a close in the true American way: giving up and saying, “fuck it.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell commented on the matter, “Well, this year’s Super Bowl was just so incredibly exhilarating, that we just couldn’t imagine any future seasons living up to the high expectations. We really should have ended it after the Giants beat the Patriots, but now that Aaron Rodgers has put the nail in the Brett Favre coffin, there really just isn’t any point to reporters and fans following football anymore.”
NFLPA president Kevin Mawae said, “Well, we had been trying to keep owners from changing the season to 18 games and insure retirement benefits, but it’s just clearer now than ever before that football won’t be able to go on after what happened in Super Bowl XLV. Also, the commercials were really bad. Advertisers need to step their game up. Disgraceful stuff on their end.”
The indefinite hiatus of the NFL is the most recent stoppage of a major American sports league since 2004 when the NHL had to rethink its long-term strategy after the Tampa Bay Lightning embarrassed Canada and became the Stanley Cup Champions.
Reflecting on the sudden increase in free time, Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said, “Hey, well, if no reporters are going to be on my ass anymore, then I can start hanging out at high school dance parties again.
They think I’ll be chaperoning… Fools.”
In order to fill the programming void left by football games, CBS and NBC will be creating new engrossing series such as, “Pediatric Doctors of New Jersey” and “Undercover Bass.” Meanwhile, ESPN will re-air every single incorrect football prediction they made in the past fifteen years as narrated by Brady Quinn and Vince Young.
Jolly Ol’ Jay
It was mere months ago that I came to you writing about the most beautiful throwing motion in football: the one and only Jay Christopher Cutler. I now sit here on the eve of the NFC championship game waiting with excitement to see him go at it once more. He may be the poor man’s Brett Lorenzo Favre, not to be confused with Lorenzo Lamas, but he is OUR poor man’s Brett Favre.
Being a guy from Florida, Orlando to be specific, I have a lot of friends from home who go to UF, FSU, and Miami, and with all of those premium programs, there are a lot of great pro athletes that they have to brag about. They can throw out their Rex Grossmans, Chris Weinkes, or Ken Dorseys, and until a few years ago, all I had was Orlando Magic superstar and current announcer Jeff Turner. Now, I have the Jay Cutler trump card whenever any of these sports bar arguments come up. He may throw into sextuple coverage, he may be a supreme asshole, and he may be dating Kristin Cavallari, who is a supreme reality show bitch, but all that said he puts Vandy on the map.
As a victory and prominence-starved sports lover at Vandy, I sure as heck need any notoriety that we can get. If it were up to me, we would have been one of those powerhouse athletic schools, because it is hard to drop the “we’re smarter than you” line day in and day out. Now with Cutler having Da Bears on the precipice of glory, I can also drop the “Tebow sucks AND Jay Cutler is better than you AND we’re still smarter than you” line, which is much more fulfilling as well.
All I need now is for Da Bears to bring one home, and I’ve got the “How many rings does Chris Leak or Brock Berlin or Chris Rix have?” line, and I am in the driver seat for life. So all I need is two more victories, and I can brag forever. I am begging the football gods, and the powers that be to give me, nay, us this victory, so that we can have something to hang over the heads of most of the rest of the SEC.
VU Launches Robbie Caldwell Resignation Investigation
The announcement of head football coach Robbie Caldwell’s resignation over Thanksgiving break, although met by typical amounts of Vanderbilt apathy, actually surprised some members of the community. Rumors circulated – sex scandal? Paid players? Steroids? Most settled on the football team’s atrocious record as the primary reason fir Caldwell’s resignation. However, a formal investigation into the Chancellor’s office and campus propaganda outlet, The Hustler, revealed much more to the story than officially released.
The first indiscretion discovered was the blatant grade inflation present in The Hustler’s weekly analyses of the football team’s performance. The paper’s low readership initially hid this practice, but in a school notorious for grade deflation, it was eventually unearthed. Although the team was clocking in each week by the layman’s standards in the range of F to, well, F, The Hustler’s incredibly talented and knowledgeable sports staff continued to award them B’s and C’s. Perhaps the staff writers attend the games a bit too inebriated, or maybe they just have a general lack of football know-how, but a 2-10 season getting a higher GPA than freshmen pre-meds? Needless to say, myriad red flags were raised when the investigation turned to The Hustler’s sports staff. As there is no crying in baseball, there are no test banks in football.
Next: a direct confrontation with the Chancellor’s office. Instead of wallowing in the immense bureaucracy, and instead of talking to secretary after secretary and wading through to-be-unreturned emails, the office was made accessible with uncharacteristic transparency.
“It honestly came down to the Honor Code – the foundation of morality on our beloved campus,” Chancellor Zeppos commented. “If we must choose between passing a test in integrity and completing a pass, we obviously pick to complete a pass. But the football team couldn’t even do that.”
What exactly this means, one cannot be sure – but the implications are undoubtedly severe, and we remain without a football coach. However, some argue a new coach-less approach may work allowing application of HOD group project skills. Stay tuned for more updates as they develop.
Jay Cutler is Limber Perfection
There have been a lot of beautiful creations in this world of ours, yet there is nothing more beautiful than Jay Jamison Cutler’s throwing motion. To say that it is the most beautiful thing in sports does not even begin to do it justice – it may be the most beautiful thing in the world. When Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa, did the world stand in awe for centuries marveling at its simplistic beauty? When Rodin created The Thinker, did world admire it as one of the most recognizable pieces in sculpture? When Heidi Klum came to the US, did people worship her as the goddess she is? Maybe, but in A MidChicago Night’s Dream Shakespeare wrote, “Jay’s arm is compared to a summer’s day.”
I don’t mean to sound vulgar or anything, but I may be ready to send a petition to Roger Goodell asking for all future Bears broadcasts to censor any of Jay’s passes. They are way too erotic for network television especially on a Sunday! You may ask, “Coach Lewis, why on earth would you fixate on his throwing instead of his winning?” If you were to ask me this to my face, I would punch you and then respond to your tasteless and frivolous query. It is obvious that throwing motions make the QB.
Let us look at some of the more recent stellar motions to come into the league: David Carr, Tim Tebow, Ryan Leaf, JaMarcus Russell, Matt Leinart, Brandy Quinn, Joey Harrington, and a host of other QBs who were too talented to start in the league. Somehow, the NFL has emphasized winning and completions over beauty; that’s why trash like Manning, Brady, and Brees start and win and other inconsequential stuff like that.
This blasphemous stance is why we must support Jay and the Bears. If we don’t, the position of quarterback will become like the hybrid car: efficient but ugly.
Instead, let us praise quarterbacks like the Hummer, or Range Rover, which may have awful stats and many poor performances, but man, I’d stare at ‘em for days. So, let’s celebrate Jay, for the beauty he brings to all of mankind. Seriously, his arm’s like poetry in motion.
Vandy Continues Successful Bye Week Winning Streak
Saturday, September 25th marked yet another successful bye week for the Vanderbilt football team. Along with the impact of this event is the encouraging statistic that the Commodores have not lost on a bye week in three years.
Their last loss on such a week came at the beginning of the 2006 season, when Vandy’s second game was scheduled against Brigham-Young Eastern (BYE). A capitalization error by the administration led to a forfeit by Vandy because of the technicality of not having a team present at the game. Clayton Monning, a current 4th year senior lineman who was playing at the time of the miscue, told us in a brief interview, “Well, we thought it was weird that we only had ten games scheduled, but with the mess that is the BCS, we didn’t get overly concerned with the matter. Obviously, we’ve been very careful since.”
When asked about his team’s performance on Saturday, firstyear Head Coach Robbie Caldwell was very enthusiastic in his press conference Saturday evening. “No one is more excited about this than I am, I can assure you. The effort put forth by the entire team, down to a man, was impressive and has me confident about our chances for the rest of the season. No missed kicks, no penalties… I am extremely pleased with our execution. I’m not quite sure why Larry (Smith) threw that one ball away – he had hardly any pressure the entire day – but hey, a win’s a win.”
Although Caldwell would not openly commit to the notion of this being a turning point in the season, he did say that if the season continued on a good track, then he would definitely give some credit to what he called a “character win.” He also said, “As long as I am coach, we will remain undefeated on bye weeks. I guarantee it.”
Taco Bell Lowers Football Team’s Free Food Scoring Threshold to 14 Points
Well, Vanderbilt, the day has finally come. Taco Bell has given up on Vandy football, and you know what, I am not having it. You didn’t know what happened? The Taco Bell on West End has lowered the score that Vanderbilt needs to reach in order for us to get free tacos. Last year, the score was twenty-four points, and now it is just a paltry fourteen.
Fellow ‘Dores, we can read this headline, sit back, and maybe even crack a few football jokes, but the truth is that Taco Bell has egregiously insulted the entire Vanderbilt and greater metro Nashville community with this blasphemy.
Who the hell are you, Taco Bell? You are a “restaurant” known as a place where stoners go to get munchies when they’re blown out of their minds. That, and the only place not named White Castle or Krystal where it is acceptable to buy fourteen different items and consume them all at once.
T-Bell (I’m gonna call you T-Bell now because I have lost all respect for you), we have a great deal of young talent. Didn’t you know that our freshman running back won SEC offensive freshman of the year? No, you probably didn’t; you were probably coming up with your “sandwich” thingy that tastes just as crappy as every other non-descript item on your menu.
Sure, Vandy football has had its rough patches. We lost our coach and our first two home games, but c’mon, T-Bell, your old advertising campaign was a semi-retarded talking Chihuahua, although at least that was better than your current advertising campaign, a semi-retarded babbling slice of lime, even with its sexy, Antonio Banderas voice.
I don’t see where you guys get away with judging our product when at least ours has an upside. I used to give you the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes I even purchased your wares, but no longer.
I am asking the entire Vanderbilt community to take a page out of LeBron’s playbook and make a change: “At this time, Vandy, I would like to announce that I am taking my talents to any place that does not suck as hard as T-Bell.” I’m waiting for your Comic Sans reply, T-Bell. I’m waiting.
Class of 2014 Football Fan’s Checklist to Success
To the class of 2014, I realize that there may have been some confusion these past two weeks about exactly how Vanderbilt football works. Let me take the time to clear a few things up. First of all, yes, Vanderbilt does play in the best football conference in the country. Because of this, it’s important that you realize that it is your responsibility to keep the faith as one of the best fans in the country. It is recommended that each freshman student brings each of the following to EVERY home football game this year:
1. Floppy Flask– The floppy flask (circa 2004) is really just a colostomy bag, which can be filled with the spirit of your choice. This author prefers Everclear, because its potency means three and a half whole quarters of thinking that Vanderbilt is still winning the football game. The flask can then be slipped into the spectators boot and slipped past all security.
– Available from floppyflask.com. (For added enjoyment, try slipping it down your pants, so when that drunk senior gropes you on the way by, she’s in for a real surprise!)
2. Football Jersey– Those of you who actually read the contract you signed for early admission already know this, but for the unenlightened, line 6 of paragraph 142 reads, “In the event of a missed extra point during the first half of a home football game, each prospective student shall hereby be required to participate in an open tryout to be held during halftime of the aforementioned football game.” Yes, this has actually happened. I wouldn’t be caught dead without a jersey either; the wrath of Caldwell has no end.
– Available from the Bookstore
3. Paper Bag– This one is pretty self-explanatory and is generally reserved for those 4th quarter Florida games, but it’s best to come prepared for all situations. Cut holes in bag. Put bag over head. Stare at ground. If you’re really in a pinch, and your friend forgot his/her paper bag, sorority stickers over the eyes make for a reasonable substitute.
4. Signs Ridiculing the Opposing Team’s SAT Scores, Recent Arrests, or Dental Records– Let’s face it, you got in to Vanderbilt, so you definitely are not used to losing at anything. We all know it’s not a secret that Vanderbilt has the best academics in the SEC, but it feels so good to rub it into the faces of the toothless wonders from LSU (or wherever) that Jordan Jefferson probably doesn’t know that his name is what’s written on the back of his jersey. For the underprepared student, just yell out something about JaMarcus Russel’s NFL career; I’m told it’s a sensitive subject.
5. Shirt and Tie– This one is for real: show up looking like a million bucks. Hell, even if it’s a million bucks that had a little too much to drink and got vomited all over, it’s still a million bucks. Let’s be honest, it’s always nice to remind those opposing fans that if they’re jackasses now, they might not get a job later. I’m not above refusing to ever hire an LSU fan in my career solely because they beat us twice while I was here.
Top Ten ways to make Vanderbilt Football more competitive
10) Throwback jersey nights featuring our Commodores dressed as actual naval commodores – swords and all!
9) Enforce mandatory IQ tests for NCAA athletes
BMEs revive 1920s Coach Dan McGugin from the dead.
7) NCAA institutes rules preventing athletes with excessive legal problems from playing. Wait, they already do that? How do the Vols still have a team?
6) Vandy players can stop opponents with two-hand touch.
5) Widen Field Goal posts by 30 yards
4) Get that Sega Dreamcast controller with the screen on it, so no one can see what plays are being called.
3) Kidnap Lee Corso
2) Insist to officials that “men’s football” is actually “women’s scocer”
1) Find loophole to use Titans’ Chris Johnson’s lost fourth year of eligibility
Women’s Center Director Named Athletic Director
Reports out of Kirkland hall have recently indicated that in order to further increase efficiency and productivity, the Vanderbilt Commodores have been given a new athletic director: Nora Spencer. This decision has been put into place to undo the athletic de-structuring implemented by former Chancellor Gordon Gee in 2003. The former athletic department was terminated to reduce isolation between student-athletes and common folk.
Since the restructuring of varsity athletics to the Office of Student Life which oversees all student organizations, the Vanderbilt Commodores have experienced an inordinate amount of unforeseen success such as a national title in women’s bowling, two number-one Major League Baseball draft picks, two NCAA men’s basketball sweet sixteen births, a victory in the 2008 Music City Bowl and a doctorate dissertation in quantum physics written by former cornerback D.J. Moore published in numerous scientific journals.
However, current athletic forays have failed to live up to such recently fabricated high expectations. The first team to undergo this scrutiny has been the men’s varsity football team. New athletic, women’s center and LBQTGI Friday’s director Nora Spencer was quoted, “I have received many messages from students concerning the state of the football team. Most were not so coherent and exhibited the grammar structures of a drunken illiterate, but from what I could gather, plenty of students who ‘have played the fuck out of NCAA 2010’ could ‘call better plays than Bobby Johnson.’ Under my jurisdiction, these messages will be but of the past.”
When asked about the decision, Chancellor Zeppos noted, “All of the athletic teams have simply become massive pussies, especially the women’s teams. The men? Oh, don’t even get me started on the men’s teams. They’ve become so fruity that I bet Adam Lambert or Elton John could hold themselves better in a fist fight. I respect my predecessor’s decision to rid Vanderbilt of the red tape that was the Athletic Department, but I think Nora Spencer will do a great job handling our unfortunately effiminate athletes.”
In addition to mandatory athletic study halls, student-athletes are now expected to attend weekly seminars about the symbology and iconography of the womb in 20th century culture. In addition to video coaches recording practices and games, athletes are expected to meet with a therapist in the Psychological Counseling Center to make sure that one’s anger is being expressed positively in competitions. One anonymous therapist said, “We have to be sure that these athletes aren’t expressing negative feelings by making poor decisions. It’s very tough being the spotlight of the entire student body, especially when that student body is quite intoxicated and belligerent. Let’s not forget to mention the fact that the entire city of Nashville is also quite prone to berate our student-athletes.”
To combat the problem of poor nutrition, the athletes’ meal plan has been modified to include complimentary meals at Grins and Freshens at any time of the day. Revered Vanderbilt dropout Earl Bennett was asked to comment on the future of his team, “Well, back when I was at Vanderbilt, I would have loved getting a nice tofu panini every once in a while. Jay [Cutler] could eat, like, five of those things at once. Fucking nuts, man.”
In an interview with ESPN’s baseball reporter Buster Olney, Tampa Bay Rays pitcher and former Commodore David Price said, “Playing for Vanderbilt was the best time of my life. Well, that is until I got drafted number one, pitched in old Yankee Stadium and then in the World Series, but the one thing that I regret most about my time at Vanderbilt was that I never knew much about the women’s center.”
The most radical change brought to Vanderbilt athletics was the rechristening of Cole and McGill halls to accommodate a larger percentage of varsity athletes. Some call the decision to allow male athletes to live in Cole “an abomination,” but Mrs. Spencer insists, “Men must learn to appreciate the presence of a woman. If we can have our athletes be more in touch with their feminine sides, they will be more able to maintain their composure on the playing fields. As for McGill, we want to have our athletes mental horizons broadened.” One anonymous undergraduate student commented, “As a gay man living in McGill, I am looking forward to being in the same dorm as many football players. I hope they’ll let me get in the huddle or catch a few passes. My last boyfriend was really into football, and he loved it when I called him Mike Ditka. My favorite play has to be the naked bootleg, or perhaps a four wide receiver set shotgun play-action waggle. If I played football, I’d be a strong safety. Nothing’s more exciting than being able to tackle a man and have the chance to intercept a few balls. I hope they won’t mind that I haven’t been shaving. I mean, it is November. Needless to say, I’m totally verklempt. “
Not all McGillites have been pleased with the decision. One frequenter of the Vanderbilt Tabletop gatherings said, “Shirtless Tuesdays just isn’t fair when you’ve got people who actually work out doing it too. Come on.” The experience has proved unexpectedly pleasant for some of the athletes. Quarterback Larry Smith was quoted, “I never would have imagined Dungeons and Dragons being so enthralling. Being a NCAA Division-I quarterback is cool and all, but you haven’t lived until you’ve fended off ferocious malcontent wildebeests as a lowly Bard armed only with a level 3 lyre of punishing, tattered rags of Azaroth and a pint of grog. I had goose bumps!”
Another athlete took quickly to the emphasis on women’s studies perhaps even more so than previous McGill denizens. “I’ve totally changed my schedule for the spring,” he said, “Instead of taking Economics of Human Resources, I’ve signed up for Feminist Legal Theory 271. Now, when I was young, I used to watch Murphy Brown, and I always used to be enthralled by the arguments in the Supreme Court cases Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey, but now I have a truly deeper understanding for the whisping legal intricacies of playing the gender card.”
Student reaction to the radical change has been rather lackluster, but Nashville-area sportswriters have been having a field day with the news. Sports radio 104.5 The Zone’s George Plaster has been constantly hammering the decision. “This mockery of sport would have never occurred under Woody Widenhofer. If Lane Kiffen [at Tennessee] had this placed upon his plate, he would go senile like Bud Adams at the NFL Draft.” Fellow local broadcaster and former Vanderbilt men’s basketball benchwarmer Willy Daunic noted, “Now, George. Let’s not get too excited. I’m sure Nick Zeppos over there knows what he’s doing.”
Back on campus, one plucky sophomore said, “I don’t really care as long as it doesn’t affect Frats at Bat. That’s athletics, right?” Another undergraduate commented, “Bro, there’s a tailgate. Fuck if I care if we win or lose; we still booze. I’m drunk.”
