Dining on Donors’ Dolla’s, Drinkin’ Jack with Mr. C

December 7, 2009 By

With the impending holidays biting us all in the ass, every religious group on campus is beginning to give out free food to soothe the monetary sting of buying gifts for all those people you really don’t give a shit about but are hoping that you can sneak by with giving them a crappy gift and may possibly receiving something awesome in return. However, those religious folks are very flakey, so below you’ll find a condensed list of all the legit upcoming events on or near campus that occur before winter break that are listed on the official Vandy calendar and are giving out free food (and yes, all of these are ACTUAL events). With money being so tight, we here at The Slant want you to pull a Robin Hood on Uncle Cornelius and take full advantage of the little bit of giving back that he’s doing. Give something to the person who really matters most: yourself.

Dec. 9th

1)      Thinking Out of the (Lunch) Box – Ifeoma C.K. Nwankwo

  1. LINK

i.      http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/09/thinking-out-of-the-lunch-box-ifeoma-ck-nwankwo.100827

  1. WHEN

i.      12-1pm

  1. WHERE

i.      Downtown Nashville Public Library, Conference room #1

  1. FOODS

i.      Brown-bag lunch with chips, wrap/sandwich (vegetarian options are available), a cookie, and a drink.

ii.      Free, but only for the first 300 people, so be sure to beat out the competition by slashing their car tires or, if they’re eco-friendly, their bike tires.

  1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      Put on your literary cap. Alright, first pretend like you have a literary cap, and then put it on. The keynote speaker will be blah-blah-blahing about “Voices from Our America,” in which he plans to talk about non-white literature (as if that even really exists).

2)      BCC Pre-Kwanzaa Celebration

  1. LINK

i.      http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/09/bcc-pre-kwanzaa-celebration.91166

  1. WHEN

i.      12pm-2pm

  1. WHERE

i.      Bishop Joseph Johnson Black Cultural Center Auditorium

  1. FOODS

i.      Whatever traditional Kwanzaa food may be…

  1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      If you’re not black, this may not be the event for you. Blending in may prove to be quite difficult if you’re the only drop of white paint in the black bucket. Nonetheless, if you wanna try your luck, be sure to at least find some traditional African garb to wear to the party so that they will at least think you’re trying to be “cultured.”

3)      Marlen’s Story: Shedding Light on Our Immigration System

  1. LINK

i.      http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/09/marlens-story-shedding-light-on-our-immigration-system.101399

  1. WHEN

i.      6-7:30pm

  1. WHERE

i.      Commons Multi-Purpose Room (upstairs, room 235)

  1. FOODS

i.      Free Pizza (Kowabunga, dudes!)

  1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      Hosted by the AMIGOS group. I couldn’t tell ya what the acronym stands for, but they’ll be talking about the harshness of America’s complex immigration system, so come ready to rally against the man.

Dec. 10th

1) CTP Leadership Development Breakfast featuring Graham Reside

  1. LINK

i. http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/10/ctp-leadership-development-breakfast-featuring-graham-reside.100606

  1. WHEN

i.      7:30-9am

  1. WHERE

i.      Divinity School Reading Room

  1. FOODS

i.      Breakfast. Like Rand brunch, but earlier, freer, and probably better tasting.

  1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      You’re entering the sacred realm to the Divinity School. If you’re an avid sinner, be sure to cleanse your soul before crossing the threshold to avoid spontaneous combustion. Also, to look the part, dust off those religious symbols that your grandparents gave you as graduation gifts. (As an added bonus, you can finally tell granny that you’re putting your Star of David or Crucifixion to “good” use.) If you don’t have one, feel free to steal your roommate’s or your neighbor’s, but be sure to do so before cleansing your soul in order to give yourself more time for tasty breakfast seconds instead of bland holiness seconds.

2)      Vandy Moms Holiday Party

  1. LINK

i.      http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/10/vandy-moms-holiday-party.92438

  1. WHEN

i.      11:30am-12:30pm

  1. WHERE

i.      Margaret Cuninggim Women’s Center

  1. FOODS

i.      And I quote: “Gather for sweets and conviviality”

  1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      Sorry fellas, but this one may be “ladies only” exclusive. Ladies, if you can look like you’ve been battered or smacked around a bit, you may walk away with a half-dozen cupcakes, so be sure to lay the make-up on thick this morning and wear those huge bug-eyed sunglasses that you shouldn’t ever be wearing in public anyway. If it comes down to a last-ditch effort to swipe some sweets, play the ultimate trump card and tell the women running this pity party that your ex-boyfriend’s name is Chris Brown. Just don’t mention that you’re grabbing these cookies to bring back to his place, as that may ruin their whole illusion of “women’s empowerment.”

Dec. 18th

1)      Employee Turkey Giveaway 2009

  1. LINK

i. http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/18/employee-turkey-giveaway-2009.85371

  1. WHEN

i.      6am-midnight

  1. WHERE

i.      Langford Auditorium Lobby

  1. FOODS

i.      A whole freakin’ turkey, for frees!

  1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      Okay, so this one may be adventurous and tricky, but you might be able to pull it off if you start planning now, and an entire turkey may actually be worth it. So this turkey-thon is intended for Vanderbilt “Faculty and Staff employees only,” but in my opinion, that is a very loose term. We are now presented with two options:

  1. A) If you are employed by Vandy in any fashion – whether that be working in some psych lab in Wilson, serving food at Rand, or shining Godfather Zeppos’ shoes – as long as your check is coming from Vanderbilt University, you are technically a part of the Vanderbilt Staff. Bring your ID and a past check as proof, and then consider the free turkey as part of your Holiday Bonus.
  2. B) Stalk the maintenance worker in your building who looks even slightly similar to you. (Even if that means only their gender and skin color are the same as yours, you should still be good.) When they’re preoccupied with swizzling the toilets, gank their Vandy card from them and scamper back to your room. Hitch a ride on over to the closest Goodwill Store and play dress-up until you look like a passable version of your recently robbed maintenance man or woman. Be sure to focus on finding very plain colors, like browns and grays, and plain styles, like plaid, as that is their usual choice of style. When you roll up to the turkey giveaway center, flash your card, hold out your fingertip-missing-gloved hands for your turkey, and don’t say anything other than a grumbly “thanks” before you run off. Once the turkey is secure in a freezer or fridge, be sure to sneakily return the maintenance worker’s card, as you don’t want to be a total asshole. If you felt like staying true to the Holiday Spirit, you could even wrap up their Vandy card with the clothes you bought from Goodwill (because you know you’ll never wear them again) and leave it for them as an anonymous gift. They’ll be so overcome with thankfulness that they’ll never know how much of a dick you really are.
Filed Under: Articles, Culture Tagged With: ,

Tips and tricks for stretching your meal plan to the max

December 7, 2009 By

1)      Avoid the Munchie Marts.

  1. The 1 pre-packaged entrée and 2 pre-packaged sides that constitute a “meal” at the Munchies is not really much food. I’ve seen girls go to the Munchie and buy 3 bottles of water, which comes to a grand total of $3.75. Not very much, but then again, if you consider the amount of roll-over we get per un-swiped meal, then they are actually beating the system, even if only slightly. However, why not make the most out of your Vanderbilt dollar, (cuz you know the administration is)? Go to Rand or the Commons where 5 sides equals a meal and you can easily walk out of there with 5 bottles of water, probably more if you’re sneaky. Hey, it’s not a large difference, but at least you’re winning more, and that’s what matters most. And if you’re still a penchant for pre-packaged foods, you could snag more yogurts or Naked juices from the actual dining halls as well.

 

2)      Be polite, courteous, and, most importantly, flirty.

  1. Smiling nicely and repeating “please” and “thank you” a bunch when the Rand and Commons workers are serving you your food will result in a more pleasant dining experience. Moreover, flirting with the right workers will get you larger scoops of mashed potatoes and perhaps even a second piece of salmon, which is all you really want anyway, right? 

                                                              i.      If you’re a guy, chat with the older ladies behind the counter – something as simple as asking them how their days are going – and they’ll think you’re a classy gentleman who could use a couple extra kernels of corn to get you through these trying exam times.

                                                            ii.      If you’re a girl, wear a low-cut shirt and use what your momma gave you to your advantage. If you’re lucky enough to get served by a male dining employee, use your sexy voice when asking for the taco salad (which is not the same voice you use when trying to con your “daddy” into buying you something you don’t need) and lean against the counter very provocatively, making sure to let the ta-ta’s do most of the talking. You’ll get more bang for your buck, the server will get a nice surprise in the middle of his day, and all parties will leave happily. Think of it as working for your meals, but as less intrusive than being a stripper or a prostitute.

 

3)      Spend ALL of your meal-money.

  1. Whatever remains on your card at the end of the semester magically disappears into Uncle Cornelius’ pre-lined pockets. Why not use your leftover meal money to your advantage? Think of all the Taste of Nashville restaurants where you can use the Vandy card. Now think of all those restaurants that sell gift cards. Are you connecting the dots with me yet? If you’re not one of brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree, let me lay it out simply for you: Swipe your gold card for a nice gift card at the end of the semester. For example, in May two years ago, I cashed out $75 from Chili’s and felt smugly genius when I turned to my friend and said, “This one’s on the Commodore.” Moreover, this bonus will come in handy in three ways, without any of the attached guilt that came with the multi-million dollar bonuses of the ENRON and AIG executives:

                                                              i.      You get to spend more of your Monopoly money and need to spend less of your real money when you go home over winter and summer breaks. One less thing for which I have to pay is always a win in my book.

                                                            ii.      Save up the cards and treat that special someone to a classy free dinner either back in the homelands or when you return to the Vandylands. Even though he or she may be sick of Chili’s or Friday’s, free food always tastes better than food with a monetary cost, an dif you’re lucky, you may receive a different sort of “repayment” later on that night.

                                                          iii.      When you go home over the breaks, look like a baller and treat a bunch of your friends and/or family members to nice meal. In case you weren’t aware, Chili’s is part of a restaurant group that includes Macaroni Grill, On the Border Mexican Grill, and even Maggiano’s Little Italy, all of which accept that Chili’s gift card you just earned, so take advantage of that and diversify your dining.

                           1. For example, when I went with a few of my friends to Savannah, GA two summers ago, I happened to still be carrying that $75 Chili’s gift card I mentioned earlier. So after we rolled around on the beach all day, we rolled into Macaroni Grill in our bathing suits. Though we were forced to wait to be seated for a good 20 minutes even though the restaurant was 80% empty (receiving the stank eye from the waiters and being ignored by the hostess, which was probably because they didn’t take us seriously as paying customers), 10 of us were able to able to eat for nearly free, having to only pay $5 each for some delicious Italian food. I have a feeling that my single instance of ballerness over that vacation may have been a deciding factor in winning over the girlfriend I had after the trip ended. In addition, since dinner cost so little, we were able to afford more “liquid fun,” which made our last night on the coast just that much more interesting (as in the “climbing statues and taking inappropriate pictures with them” kind of interesting). So, be kind to other people, as you never know what it might get you in the end.

Filed Under: Advice, Articles Tagged With: , ,

Burrito Baron ‘Chipotle’ Wreaks Havoc in Nashville

November 17, 2009 By

That’s right folks, the moment you’ve all been waiting for has finally come. After years of planning, there is finally another Qdoba…I mean a Chipotle, open on West End. We sat down with Chipotle marketing director Beanie Rice to discuss the new restaurant. Rice began by explaining the reasoning behind the new location, “In light of the economy, Chipotle has realized that instead of improving the quality of ingredients to lure in the customer, it’s far cheaper to just open in places where local food is so completely unappealing that customers truly have no choice about where they go to get good food”. Apparently Chipotle believes that its “burrito” can stack up favorably against the Randito, famous for its cardboardey taste as well as well as its signature heartburn. However, the Randadilla and Randacos will be more difficult to surpass. Chipotle does serve their own versions, called Tacos and Quesadillas, (whatever those are?) but the Mexican versions quite simply don’t stand up next to the Tennessee originals. Chipotle has also managed to successfully appeal to students preferences in dining atmosphere. Rice claims that they have intentionally hired people who only speak English as a foreign language and they intend to create massive lines at peak hours so that students truly feel as if they are having an on-campus experience.

Regardless of Chipotle’s corporate strategies, hundreds of burrito connoisseurs made the pilgrimage on Friday for the grand opening, causing pandemonium not only at Chipotle, but also in the bathroom at the Jay-Z concert 4 hours later. According to VUPD’s crime log, several students were detained for public defecation after open stalls simply were not to be found. Officer Matt Smiley told The Slant, “I know some kids were really excited about Jay-Z coming, but honestly, pants-shitting excited is taking things a little bit too far”. As one student put it, the Jay-Z concert was just “really shitty”. Apparently VUPD was not aware of Chipotle’s involvement in the incident and accordingly no charges have yet been filed.

Filed Under: Articles, Culture Tagged With: ,

Cheesecake with a Side of Humanity

October 25, 2009 By

There is something I need to get off my chest, and its not that thing from “Total Recall”.  Something much more terrifying than being eaten by 4 large (possibly gay, think about it…) hippos; something that shook me to the core.  I think I lost my faith in humanity at Rand Brunch.

If a person from outside the Vanderbubble were to walk into Rand around 12 o’clock on a weekday, they would probably mistake it for a Tokyo Subway or a Moroccan Spice market.  I know for a fact that most of the meat used there is retired (and I say retired because those animals had goddamn careers) circus animal.  So, just like in a Moroccan spice market, there is camel meat being consumed.  But lunch at Rand barely glows when juxtaposed to the inferno of human depravity witnessed at Rand brunch.

Girls walk in covered in paint; Guys have massive tears in their shirts.  It smells like Beer 30 and bacon with a hint of bodily fluid.  A baby is crying in a corner and that puppet from the intro of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” is chillin’ on a swing by the salad bar.  You just know he’s there, ready to knife you between helpings of baby corn.  Basically, the place looks like the aborted love child of “Dawn of the Dead”, “Emeril Live” and a Lacoste Catalog.  A devils threesome of the worst kind.

As I wade through the chaos, a one eyed women comes up to me and says, “Turn back before lose your soul!” 

“Why are people from Belmont here?” I shout out, hoping for an answer.  Instead some girl throws up, her vomit bracketed by the phrases “Oh my god” and “Like, totally”.  She’s pretty thin though, and looking good, so I don’t judge her based on the obvious eating disorder.  I shove my way to the front of the line, throwing elbows as I go.  Marcy, the girl behind the counter is covered in what I assume is food.  I look into her eyes; cold, soulless, black.  Eyes of a person who’d lost faith in humanity long ago. 

Being the Good Samaritan that I am, I decide to help.  I go over to the pastry table.  Picking up a piece of cheesecake, I walk back into the cafeteria and get in line.  Surely this will save her from the throes of apathy, I think as I inch toward the counter.  I’m going to show her something she hasn’t seen before (once again, not the alien from Total Recall).  All I want is a reaction.  I brace for the moment of truth.

“Can I please have some gravy on this cheesecake?”

The moment seems like an eternity.  It’s like waiting for pandas to mate. 

Nothing.

No reaction.

She didn’t bat a fucking eyelash.

In one swift motion, the ladle goes down into the speckled gray mass, comes up with the terrible goop, and “plop!” right on the cheesecake.

“You have a good one,” I say, mid-shudder.

She responds with some guttural sounds.

I sit back down among my friends, all of whom are busy eating Alice (she had five humps).  But I am changed.  What I’ve seen I now have to take with me for the rest of my life.  I say this in all seriousness: for all of you that have ever had Rand Brunch, may God have mercy on your soul.

But seriously, try some gravy on cheesecake, it isn’t good, but it isn’t terrible.

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Wraptopia: Vanderbilt’s New Vision for the Commons

September 22, 2009 By

Although many freshmen found themselves confused after the first four meals at orientation consisted solely of wraps and sides, Vanderbilt Dining has decided to reveal to the public that the meals were actually a preview of next year’s pending All-Wraps Meal Plan.
Jeffrey Campbell, the recently-appointed Vanderbilt Dining Chairman of Wrap-Related Foodstuffs, plans to completely transform the Commons Dining Hall into a new eatery dubbed “Wraptopia.”
“You see, it’s not really food until it’s wrapped,” pointed out Campbell. “It’s just like putting the wrapping on a Christmas present. The only difference here is that you’re eating the present. And it’s not Christmas.”
Campbell plans to have Wraptopia do away with all the “impurely prepared food” that is currently cooked in the Commons, and instead replace it with appropriately wrap-related substitutes. However, he does note that the actual food content will be the same; it will just all be in wrap form.
“It’s really a perfect system,” states Campbell. “You can go to the Brick Oven as usual. But, instead of getting an unholy ‘normal’ pizza, you get a pizza wrap. Just like the old pizza, but without that ‘I just ate an unwrapped item of food’ guilty feeling.”
Accompanied by Wraptopia’s engenderment will be a new, obligatory meal plan which replaces the current entreé-side combinations with the allowance of one “wrap meal” per meal period. Campbell states that wrap meals generally consist of a wrap, a very bad-tasting bag of sub-par chips, and maybe some questionable-looking fruit.
“The idea here is to focus on the beautiful, seductive wrap itself,” he explains. “In fact, I voted to not even include those other tear-evoking sides at all. In the end, I decided that the chips were alright since they technically come in some sort of wrapping. The fruit was also a tough call, but I compromised at simply shrink-wrapping the fruit before its distribution.
Campbell also explained that he might allow beverages in a future revision of the meal plan.
These proposed changes come after a test-run of the new wraps-only plan on the class of 2013. During the four-meal survey period, Campbell noted that most freshmen “grotesquely squinted at the wraps after biting into them, most likely marveling at the mystique of their luscious intricacies.” Though there were some recorded complaints that the meals didn’t offer enough variety, Campbell points out that the wraps came in vastly different styles of “vomit-inducing green” and “unsettling beige-ish color.”
The Chairman of Wrap-Related Foodstuffs also notes that Wraptopia will be a social experience in addition to an eatery. He plans to use it as a venue to host daily concerts of his indie band, Wrapture, which will play such exciting singles as their newly recorded track, “Bohemian Wrapsody.” The focus of Wraptopia, exclaims Campbell, is to provide an opportunity for socialization which rivals that of the Commons, but also allows students to come together in their appreciation and worship of wraps. “Everyone likes wraps,” proclaims Campbell. “Everyone who loves anything loves them. Do you love something? Then you love wraps too!”
The Committee on Wrap-Related Foodstuffs plans to begin holding auditions for Wraptopia’s lettuce-haired mascot, Wrapunzel, sometime in March 2010.

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