Although many freshmen found themselves confused after the first four meals at orientation consisted solely of wraps and sides, Vanderbilt Dining has decided to reveal to the public that the meals were actually a preview of next year’s pending All-Wraps Meal Plan.
Jeffrey Campbell, the recently-appointed Vanderbilt Dining Chairman of Wrap-Related Foodstuffs, plans to completely transform the Commons Dining Hall into a new eatery dubbed “Wraptopia.”
“You see, it’s not really food until it’s wrapped,” pointed out Campbell. “It’s just like putting the wrapping on a Christmas present. The only difference here is that you’re eating the present. And it’s not Christmas.”
Campbell plans to have Wraptopia do away with all the “impurely prepared food” that is currently cooked in the Commons, and instead replace it with appropriately wrap-related substitutes. However, he does note that the actual food content will be the same; it will just all be in wrap form.
“It’s really a perfect system,” states Campbell. “You can go to the Brick Oven as usual. But, instead of getting an unholy ‘normal’ pizza, you get a pizza wrap. Just like the old pizza, but without that ‘I just ate an unwrapped item of food’ guilty feeling.”
Accompanied by Wraptopia’s engenderment will be a new, obligatory meal plan which replaces the current entreé-side combinations with the allowance of one “wrap meal” per meal period. Campbell states that wrap meals generally consist of a wrap, a very bad-tasting bag of sub-par chips, and maybe some questionable-looking fruit.
“The idea here is to focus on the beautiful, seductive wrap itself,” he explains. “In fact, I voted to not even include those other tear-evoking sides at all. In the end, I decided that the chips were alright since they technically come in some sort of wrapping. The fruit was also a tough call, but I compromised at simply shrink-wrapping the fruit before its distribution.
Campbell also explained that he might allow beverages in a future revision of the meal plan.
These proposed changes come after a test-run of the new wraps-only plan on the class of 2013. During the four-meal survey period, Campbell noted that most freshmen “grotesquely squinted at the wraps after biting into them, most likely marveling at the mystique of their luscious intricacies.” Though there were some recorded complaints that the meals didn’t offer enough variety, Campbell points out that the wraps came in vastly different styles of “vomit-inducing green” and “unsettling beige-ish color.”
The Chairman of Wrap-Related Foodstuffs also notes that Wraptopia will be a social experience in addition to an eatery. He plans to use it as a venue to host daily concerts of his indie band, Wrapture, which will play such exciting singles as their newly recorded track, “Bohemian Wrapsody.” The focus of Wraptopia, exclaims Campbell, is to provide an opportunity for socialization which rivals that of the Commons, but also allows students to come together in their appreciation and worship of wraps. “Everyone likes wraps,” proclaims Campbell. “Everyone who loves anything loves them. Do you love something? Then you love wraps too!”
The Committee on Wrap-Related Foodstuffs plans to begin holding auditions for Wraptopia’s lettuce-haired mascot, Wrapunzel, sometime in March 2010.