Throughout the past few months, denim has been the “it” fabric across campus. While jeans are a classic, they’ve recently been manifesting in a whole new way. Whether in the form of skin-tight, ass-hugging, jeggings or the cleverly stylish yet comfy pajama jeans, girls have been strutting their stuff in little else. We predict seeing this fashion trend continuing on into the spring season and want you to be in on what’s in and what’s out. Looking ahead to March when the snow will finally be gone and coats are no longer a necessity, burn those hideous leggings, which by the way are NOT pants, and get ready for this year’s hot new trend: bikini jeans.
Bikini jeans are a wish – no, a fervent prayer – come true for so many of you oh so original fashionistas across Vandy’s campus. We know how it goes when you’re shopping for jeans. You may say, “Wow these jeans are so cute and perfectly overly-priced, but are they slutty enough?” or the classic, “Oh, shoot! I’d have to actually wear underwear with these.” Not anymore! With bikini jeans, the bikini cut undies and the sexy cut jeans are all in one stylishly cut garment. Pair with your favorite tank top and last night’s neon wristband and you’re ready for the frats, a T-Swift concert, or a repeat of last night’s disaster downtown. Guys, this trend is also great for you because you’ll no longer have to waste time at parties talking to girls who may or may not give it up. Chicks in bikini jeans are almost a guaranteed hook up or at the very least an extremely vigorous grinding session. I mean, let’s be honest, some of you would be lucky to get that.
So ladies, if you want to look sick and sexy-fied, bikini jeans are a must for the upcoming season.
Please Note: Bikini jeans were designed for skinny bitches only. All you chunky hags can stick to your jean skirts, peasant tops, and vibrant personalities.
Style Spotter: Bikini Jeans
Trendspotter: Greenman Suit
Ninety percent nylon, ten percent spandex. One hundred percent this season’s top fashion trend.
Entertainment has always been a viable source for fashion advice. Whether it’s Blair on Gossip Girl’s preppy chic, Stacy and Clinton’s words of wisdom on What Not to Wear, Seinfeld’s puffy shirt, or Borat’s mankini, we love to draw inspiration from the stars. This fall at Vanderbilt throws those multi-piece outfits and common sense out the window – it’s all about the Greenman. Making its first appearances spring semester, the new season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia paired alongside a sense of reckless abandon have led the Greenman suit to the height of its popularity.
In the past, Greenman suits were reserved for publicity stunts, attention seekers and obnoxious party promotion characterized by questionable thrusting. Avoiding marketing myopia and becoming irrelevant, the creators of the Greenman have reinvented the suit in which Charlie once frolicked with a new line of suits in every color and pattern imaginable. Neons, pastels, sparkles, distressed, tie-dye – the suit has no bounds. Football games? Look out Snuggie, this suit has sleeves and pants. Dance parties? These new suits come equipped with air vents and wicking technology, not to mention a whole range of blacklight-friendly colors. Class? Now your professor really can’t tell if you are still drunk. Ugly face, good body? Peeping Tom? Robbing a bank? Covered. Literally.
Worried about looking just like everybody else in your Greenman suit? Wanting to retain that sense of originality and ingenuity? Irony aside, considering the homogeneity of the Vanderbilt student population, the suit is easily accessorized and totally tailorable for individual flair. Ties, bowties, rain boots, Ray Bans, high-waist belts, scarves and hats all look impeccable with the appropriate Greenman suit.
The best part about all of this is the price. Suits range from sixty dollars for the traditional, to around eighty for embellished and the low two hundreds for the Vineyard Vines special edition. Bottom line: if we can see your face this fall, you’re doing something wrong.
Flower-Print Dresses Get All the Stamens Erect
My fellow students, spring is upon us. Though not in the dog-humping-your-leg kind of upon us (well, not yet at least), the excessive amount of sniffles and throat-clearings ironically act as the cacophonous symphony for the natural introduction to the season of seduction.
As college students, we have the great opportunity to be surrounded by attractive co-eds, all of whom are living within the prime years of their lives. And with the temperatures rising along with the frequency of beautiful, sunny afternoons, we have to do nothing more than simply open our eyes to the cornucopia of human allure that walks in front of us on the way to class or plays Frisbee scantily-clad on Alumni Lawn.
On a purely physical level, I’m not looking forward to having to leave a college campus for the summer just to be rudely confronted by people who are old, ugly, or obese. The real world can be so harsh sometimes. Perhaps I should just walk around without wearing my glasses for the whole summer and thereby blur reality so that I don’t develop any withdrawal symptoms. Ignorance is bliss, and bliss is blur!
Yes, Vandy men, I understand your plight of wanting to take in the sights without looking like a creeper. And though “painting it black” may not best describe what desires arise from such visions, I too see the girls walk by in their summer clothes and must also turn my head until my darkness goes. However, when I did this last week, what I didn’t expect to see was the excessive amount of floral patterns being worn…by a dude!
This wardrobe choice made by girls who are wearing cute, summer dresses with floral designs is more than acceptable, and a summer breeze does, indeed, make me feel fine. But fellas, the most floral you can get away with before your manhood must be checked is the Hawaiian hibiscus flower swimsuit, and that’s only because of its phallic symbolism prominently displayed by the plant’s natural structure. But if you own more than one of those, that’s even pushing it.
However, this kid was rockin’ a pair of flower pants that looked like he stole them from the 60’s section of his dad’s closet that his poppa likes to refer to as his “glory days” department. Moreover, homeboy was wearing a t-shirt overrun with a field of blooming pansies. Now I’ll give a lot of leeway for creative t-shirt designs in the name of “art,” but a field of pansies is just asking for incertitude about which way you swing.
The only acceptable flower shirt that men should be allowed to wear in public must contain on it the manliest flower ever: the Venus Fly Trap. Why is it the manliest and most badass flower, you ask? Well, because it’s freakin’ carnivorous! The Venus Fly Trap lures in its prey with a sweet scent, and when bugs are within striking distance, it clomps on them and digests them for nutrients.
But how effective is this, you may be wondering. Wouldn’t the plant have to wait a while for it’s prey to come to him? Well, let’s just say that this flower never goes hankering for something sweet to sink its teeth into, unlike some of you girly-flower outfit-wearing “men” out there. Maybe it’s about time you learned something from nature and took a page out of the Venus Fly Trap’s book: get your desired one to come to you. Only the smart survive the game of love, gentlemen, and dressing up like a pansy is quite stupid.
Bare-Nekked-Faced: The Wonders of Facial Hair, or Lack Thereof
I just ended the second-longest relationship of my life. I shaved.
Honestly, my facial hair, in all its various manifestations, had been one with me since I graduated from high school about 3 years ago. Probably my most reliable and consistent companion, my chinstrap/beard/goatee/door-knocker/Wolverine-look had always been there for me to stroke. Many “girlfriends” had asked me to shave it, claiming that it would scratch them during close contact, but women can never fully understand and appreciate the relationship between a man and his facial hair, so I just laughed them off in a very hearty, bassy tone.
But my shaving wasn’t to raise money for colon cancer. It wasn’t because of my “artistic” disillusionment with our modern world. And it wasn’t to foster world peace – though I’m not really sure how my clean-shaven face would help to dispel years of hatred and genocide anyway, but maybe that’s just because I don’t pull the puppet-strings, or at least not the big ones.
Essentially, it was because I had turned 21 and no longer had to look older than I really was for any number of reasons, such as alcohol acquisitions, courting college females of the grad student variety, confusing relatives about which one of the Barisich brothers was actually the eldest even though we’re separated in age by 5 years (familial fail), or so on and so forth.
Vandy men, I encourage you to join me in my clean-faced cause, but be sure to do so for yourselves and not for some whiny woman. Think about it: now that it’s getting warmer outside, you no longer need to hide behind that grizzly lumberjack beard, so have fun and experiment with the “art of subtraction” and see what follicle art you can create on yourself, or at least on your comatose/drugged roommate. I’m sure he’ll appreciate your masterpiece in the morning, especially if you have the Hitler mustache make a grand resurrection, because one asshole shouldn’t be able to take an entire facial hair styling to the grave with him!
If the smooth face just isn’t your style, consider all of the creativity you can conjure with just a razor and a trimmer: the Fu Manchu, the Friendly Mutton Chops, the Handlebar Mustache, the Super Mario, the Zappa, the Rap Industry Standard, and the famous “Tom Selleck, I think you have a thick, hairy caterpillar on your top lip” Magnum, P.I.-stache. (If you don’t recognize these stylings, be sure to research them online, as well as the plethora of others.)
If you’re searching for a reason to justify your shaving to your lady-friend(s), simply lie to them and say that you’ve thought it over and that you’re acquiescing to their requests. That’ll surely earn you a few “good boyfriend” points that you can cash in later for another sort of shaving, if that’s what you’re into.
If anybody else questions your motives for shaving, tell them that the only reason you let your facial hair grow out in the first place was because you went through some traumatic experience, such as your grandparent’s death, your parent’s divorce, or accidentally running over Earl Grey, your pet hamster. Tell them that your beard had served as the physical manifestation of your mental and emotional anguish and, now that you just picked up Earl Grey II from the pet store, you’re finally getting over your previous loss. I’m sure they’ll never ask again about why you shaved, but will always be sure to compliment you on any style you choose in the future.
So experiment with a new look. It’s college, the time of our lives when we’re supposed to be experimenting with oodles of different things, so don’t neglect the part of your body that most immediately distinguishes you from, projects an immediate message to, and elicits an immediate reaction from the rest of the world: your face. Since we don’t have tits, we must get people to look at us for some other reason.
