Ninety percent nylon, ten percent spandex. One hundred percent this season’s top fashion trend.
Entertainment has always been a viable source for fashion advice. Whether it’s Blair on Gossip Girl’s preppy chic, Stacy and Clinton’s words of wisdom on What Not to Wear, Seinfeld’s puffy shirt, or Borat’s mankini, we love to draw inspiration from the stars. This fall at Vanderbilt throws those multi-piece outfits and common sense out the window – it’s all about the Greenman. Making its first appearances spring semester, the new season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia paired alongside a sense of reckless abandon have led the Greenman suit to the height of its popularity.
In the past, Greenman suits were reserved for publicity stunts, attention seekers and obnoxious party promotion characterized by questionable thrusting. Avoiding marketing myopia and becoming irrelevant, the creators of the Greenman have reinvented the suit in which Charlie once frolicked with a new line of suits in every color and pattern imaginable. Neons, pastels, sparkles, distressed, tie-dye – the suit has no bounds. Football games? Look out Snuggie, this suit has sleeves and pants. Dance parties? These new suits come equipped with air vents and wicking technology, not to mention a whole range of blacklight-friendly colors. Class? Now your professor really can’t tell if you are still drunk. Ugly face, good body? Peeping Tom? Robbing a bank? Covered. Literally.
Worried about looking just like everybody else in your Greenman suit? Wanting to retain that sense of originality and ingenuity? Irony aside, considering the homogeneity of the Vanderbilt student population, the suit is easily accessorized and totally tailorable for individual flair. Ties, bowties, rain boots, Ray Bans, high-waist belts, scarves and hats all look impeccable with the appropriate Greenman suit.
The best part about all of this is the price. Suits range from sixty dollars for the traditional, to around eighty for embellished and the low two hundreds for the Vineyard Vines special edition. Bottom line: if we can see your face this fall, you’re doing something wrong.
Trendspotter: Greenman Suit
Reminder Poems for Freshmen
Hey, Lindsay and I came up with three poems, feel free to add more….
In the spirit of the Commons’ reminder poem to first year students about signing up for classes, we thought we’d contribute a few of our own:
Freshmen, Freshmen, don’t forget,
Even when you think your set
For Thanksgiving Break,
For goodness’ sake,
Hide your booze,
You snooze, you lose.
Hear ye, hear ye,
The night ‘tis dark and dreary.
Bitches, find a Vandy Van,
You might have to wait,
In your drunken state,
Or find some dude and spend the night in Kissam.
It is almost December,
So make sure you remember,
To button your coat all the way.
No matter the degrees,
Even if you freeze,
You still have class EVERY DAY.
[by the way, the original goes:
Remember, remember,
This coming November,
Course registration soon starts.
For one-hour courses,
The Commons endorses,
Try Commons seminars]
–Ryan Carr and Lindsay Kramer
Top 10 Things The Slant is Thankful For
Top Ten things The Slant is thankful for:
10. Ahhh we finally get a break from class! It feels like we’ve been at it for almost four weeks in a row!
9. Jay Z concert is over: Finally get to stop hearing how awesome the Jay Z concert is going to be.
8. New episodes of Glee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. Fabiani Duarte. Dammit that man is outstanding
6. We love spending one day pretending the settlers and the pilgrims liked each other
5. I’m halfway done writing this list!
4. We finally figured out how to use OASIS! Good thing it won’t be obsolete any time soon…
3. People will stop giving you dirty looks for having Christmas decorations up
2. Girls that think “Trampy” is a compliment
1. Paternity test came back negative!! Have fun raising the kid, Linda!
A Halloween Mad-Lib
So I headed out to the party dressed as a sexy (noun). But then I saw some (Derogatory noun) wearing the exact same (animal) ears as me. Well, as you know, I don’t take that (Swear word). So, I marched right up to her and I said “Hey, I’m the only (Swear word) (Noun) in this (Adjective) party!” And then I (Verb ending in “ed”) her in the face! And all she said back was (Animal noise). Some guy dressed as a (Adjective) (Occupation) came to break up the fight. He kept shouting “Whoa, thats my pet (Animal) you’re fighting!” Anyway. at that point I (Color)+ed out, and I woke up in a police (Noun) and I’ve been charged with animal (Type of crime) and public (Noun ending in “-Unkeness”)
Haunted rambling
There is a dorm located in the perfect center of campus, with its own sand volleyball court, shady trees, cozy single rooms and dining center—which no one knows about. This dorm is McTyeire, home to foreign exchange students, squirrels without tails (truth), a confused hoard of Spanish immigrants and me, a Russian and European studies major with a love for only having to walk downstairs to get breakfast. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Sign me up for next year! I love convenient food and freaky looking squirrels!” But be warned, like a padded bra, not everything is as it first seems. So far this year my air conditioning, heating, showers, and Internet have all broken, for weeks at a time. Even a metal toilet paper holder in McTyeire has fallen off its wall and wounded my foot (there is a scar, people).
Our center spread (pgs 4-5) this issue is Halloween themed and has a special section on haunted places around campus to avoid. However, the most haunted building on campus was not actually included, as you may have already concluded, this building is McTyeire. Many occupants of McTyeire take on pseudonyms to avoid the ghost (I for instance also go by Masha, маша if you will), however, nothing seems to deter his dastardly work. The work of the ghoul of McTyeire is fiendish and diabolical, but mostly it is inconvenient.
So far this year I have been having a difficult time thinking of what to fill this space with. Conveniently, the last two issues I could fudge creativity by talking about our publishing changes or plugging our new website (<shameless> www.theslant.net!! <shameless/> ). Convenience has driven me to writing about obvious topics for this column like convenience has driven you to buying your toothpaste for twice what its worth from the munchie mart. However, now in a remarkable twist of fate, inconvenience has inspired me.
Haunted places around Vandy
Your old room in the commons is haunted by the ghost of your virginity. It’s still there and freaking out all of the new freshies.
Confederate Memorial House. ‘nough said.
Library lawn is haunted by the ghost of Harold Stirling Vanderbilt. The ghost hasn’t moved in a few decades, and some have begun to think it is simply an old statue, but that’s exactly what he wants you to think.
The library is haunted by the ghost of happiness, youth and joy. If you listen closely, you can still hear the grad students lamenting the loss.
Coincidentally, the ghost of Cornelius Vanderbilt, great grandfather of Harold Stirling, resides between Kissam and Kirkland, frozen forever after getting plastered one night.
The Kissam dorms themselves are haunted by the monster under the bed. Or wait, maybe that white apparition is actually just mold.
Other easily spotted ghosts include the ghost of Fred, the miniature man who can often be spotted atop the stairs by Stevenson. After one student excitedly brought a Medusa head to class, he’s been writhing in pain there ever since.
Stevenson center is haunted by the ghosts of a thousand students who got lost trying to figure out that rubick’s cube of a building. They are now doomed to forever roam the halls at night, asking everyone they see, “Hey do you know where room 2312 is?”
Your walk home from the party is haunted by a ghost which is always right behind you, but ducks behind a bush whenever you turn around. (And you thought you were just paranoid!)
Frat row is haunted by a ghost that makes all who wander there forget things. Things like tests looming on the horizon, papers that need to get written, and the concept of human dignity.
Each house in the commons is haunted by its own “House Ghost,” further cementing the idea that the entire commons system is ripped off from Harry Potter.
Furman: the German and Slavic Languages department is here. That’s scary enough.
Olin is not just where engineers go to die, it’s actually where they have died. Beware the fourth floor.
When asked “Who you gonna call?” Chancellor Nick Zeppos enthusiastically responded “Ghostbusters!!” but on further reflection retracted this statement and instead decided to contact the proper local authorities.
When asked “Who you gonna call?” Dean of the Commons Frank Wcislo responded “the police if you don’t get out of my house.” Because of this, the third floor of the Commons Center remains haunted and unoccupied.
That creepy inflatable mascot we have at football games is actually the ghost of the real Mr. C.
Top 10 Things You Did Over Fall Break
10. Roamed campus scouring for food.
9. Slept m0re than my goddamn roommate does.
8. Went to Duke and was disappointed to be the only one drunk on Wednesday night.
7. Boobjob.
6. Spent my days bitching about my roommate. Spent my nights unable to sleep without him.
5. Harassed all my friends about beer pong etiquette.
4. Alternative Fall Break: Spent the whole break making life maps.
3. ANAL SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. I delivered a report to those people who pay my tuition.
1. I sneezed and then it was over.
Drunk or Zombie?
What is disheveled, stumbles around and indiscriminately desires flesh? Hint: they want you to join their masses. It’s either a zombie or a drunken horny fratstar.
Every Halloween, we zombie hunters are presented with a problem: how can we tell the difference between a drunken Vandy student and a real flesh-eating zombie? Both tend to have their clothing ripped off by the groping fingers of the mindless. Sure, I suppose we COULD ask them, but what if they are dedicated actors or mutated super-zombies? Come on now, let’s be serious here.
In the wake of such inspirational documentaries like Zombieland and Zombie Strippers, we must remain vigilant against the threat of the undead. If in doubt, blow off their heads. Their mouths look bloody and they look ashen? Gone. They stumble around and moan? Kablam! You stumble? BOOM! Let’s get over ourselves—we have a world to save.
However, we also have to show restraint. Just because your friend snobbishly one-ups your own knowledge of zombies doesn’t give you a legally-authorized reason to shoot them. In fact, none of the reasons I present are exactly legal. Don’t worry though: the end is going to be tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day. But just like any other apocalyptic prophet, you should trust me: it’s obviously happening soon.
A key element of our protective anti-zombie strategy is that no one dress like the undead this Halloween. First of all, we don’t want any unnecessary deaths. Second, this prevents you from dressing as Edward from Twilight to get laid, which will only work with 13 year-olds. Finally—and this is most important—I want to be the only zombie on campus this year.
That is all. Over and out.
Vandy Vans Extend Hours for Halloween
In the spirit of Halloween and a budget surplus, VSG proudly announced yesterday that Vandy Van hours will be extended to include the ‘Walk of Shame’ period (7-9 AM) this upcoming weekend.
This special route will include stops at each of the Commons houses (as opposed to the normal stops of merely Ingram and North), as well as the back doors of Branscomb; alongside newly tinted windows on the vans to ensure complete privacy and complimentary makeup and mirror use for students to un-dishevel themselves on the ride home.
“With the absurd amount of money raised at Homecoming and our concern for the welfare of Vanderbilt students, this just seemed like the right thing to do,” a VSG officer said. “We’re very excited to further provide services to our student body and further coddle the freshmen.”
Attempting to legitimize this proposition to the administration, said officer laid out VSG’s main talking points: “This is an issue of health as well as dignity. It’s late fall and the weather’s cold – twenty minute walks barely dressed are an incubation ground for illness. Furthermore, these ‘Walks of Shame’ irreparably damage a lot of people’s reputations, and paired alongside the Halloween costumes of today.. the results would be disastrous.”
General student response to this proposition was overwhelmingly positive, freshmen girls of questionable morals are especially excited. “Now I can wear my six inch stilettos and corset and go totally all-out for my costume and not have to worry about getting home from wherever (hopefully Towers!) the next morning. Thanks a lot VSG!” one such girl said.
Some members of the administration at first weren’t as pleased. “Sparing these students the embarrassment of facing the repercussions of their actions does them no favor,” one senior administrator lamented. After taking into consideration how poorly large numbers of half dressed, sloppy girls traipsing across campus Sunday morning would reflect upon the school to alum and prospies, though, the following statement was issued: “If we were to give them a test in trigonometry and a test in dignity, I suppose we’d rather them fail the test in trigonometry.”
Baby squirrels Stop Traffic
Wednesday, October 21st: Pedestrian traffic between Furman and Neeley came to a standstill as students and faculty stopped to look at an abandoned baby squirrel, wandering around a large magnolia tree. The group of largely-female bystanders stood in awe, watching the pathetic animal wander from person to person, desperately wanting love and attention, any at all.
“Oh my god!” Exclaimed XXX XXX, a sophomore, before tearing herself away and heading to class. “Poor thing! It’s so adorable! I wonder what’s wrong with it?” Other students had identified the squirrel as wandering the vicinity since about 11 am that morning.
With winter fast approaching and baby squirrels learning to fend for themselves, such unabashed examples of pure adorability and helplessness are not uncommon. Last month, a baby squirrel famously stopped all traffic in a 20-yard radius after it was found mewing for help outside of Cole, forcing all inhabitants of the building to rush outside and start a campus-wide search for a cardboard box, bedding, and baby formula. A fight even broke out over who would be able to keep the “adorable cutie-pie,” and what its name would be. The fight ended with three casualties and the disappearance of the baby squirrel.
At about 3 pm, when this new baby squirrel refused all attempts to place it back in a tree and began tragically climbing up the legs of any passersby who could possibly be a warm and safe comfort from the hundreds of stomping feet and nearby lawnmowers, a concerned group of students started a task group to decide what was to be done. YYY YYY, a senior, stood cupping the baby squirrel in her arms, who was desperately trying to burrow into the warmth of her sweater.
“I had stopped to look at him and see what was happening when he ran up my leg and up on my shoulder,” YYY said. YYY went on to explain that when she tried to remove him, he just gamely clutched onto her sweater with a single tiny paw. “I couldn’t just go to class when he was sitting there all alone! I knew something must be done.”
A group of students 111, 222, 333, and YYY (NOTE: all women), banded together to decide what to do with the squirrel. “We couldn’t just leave him there with all those lawnmowers!” said 111, a junior. “I mean, I had homework and everything, but I couldn’t just turn my head when such awful things are happening in the world!” The task force spent a grueling hour and half petting, feeding, and taking pictures of the adorable shivering ball of cuteness before 333 made contact with a wildlife rehabilitation center which agreed to take the thing.
“Heroes? Maybe,” Said YYY, watching a grown squirrel singlehandedly carry an entire pizza up a tree. “Inasmuch as anyone who saves the life of a living creature can be considered a hero. We may have all sacrificed class today, but if we had gone to class, we would have sacrificed a life. An adorable, precious, ickle baby life.”
