Towers: Lucky you! The person above you who blasts their music until 4 a.m. won’t the one night you actually need a decent night’s sleep. During finals week, however…
Chaffin: You’ll find five bucks. Score!
Mayfields: After you move back home, you’ll have trouble falling asleep WITHOUT the sounds of construction blasts.
Vandy-Barnard: Luckily, you won’t have to leave your room, even for Rites. Who needs social interaction when you have this mediocrely outfitted dorm room and a 360?
Commons: Dining won’t have your favorite spinach, portabella and tomato pizza today. Boo hoo.
Morgan-Lewis: You’re going to trip on a gold Solo cup left carelessly on the third-from-the-bottom step on the way to your 9:10 Econ class, slightly spraining your ankle. It’s not enough to get medical attention for, but enough to annoy you until you forget about it at 4:17 this afternoon, when you bump into Jill at a table in Rand, right by the Brunch entrance and the windows, where she tells you about how her dog Artemis back home can bark the Jaws theme song. You go back to your room at 6:54 and cry about the existential superficiality of the universe, then watch re-runs of Scrubs.
Kissam: Today is the final day you’ll try to defend Kissam with some variant of “It’s really not as bad as everyone says it is.” After realizing such a profound Truth, you’ll also realize how to eliminate human suffering across the globe within 2 years. Unfortunately, the persistent inhalation of mold will erase one of those two insights.
Branscomb: You’re going to have a great day… ruined by the paper you forgot about until 10:30.
Off-Campus: Although you’ve saved a ton of money on rent, spending those savings this year on beer has earned you the “Biggest Alcoholic in Nashville” Award, as well as the award for “We’re Impressed You’ve Actually Survived (Senior Year).”
Room 207: You know who you are. Cut it out.
McGill: I’m sure your 3 a.m. games of Magic and D&D are fun, but remember: you can’t “counter” finals.
McTyiere: Hola, 花花公子. Sprechen Sie Deutsches? Я не знаю чего я говорю. Gradico l’alimento comunque.
Dormoscopes
Abused Dorm Furniture Rebels Against Owners
Shocking news out of Residential Education today as a new report indicates that students have been attacked by abused furniture at an alarming 420% increase over the recent weeks. A crack news team assembled of The Slant, News Channel 5 and Cletus the Crack Addict discovered that a student, whose name shall remain anonymous, was mauled to death in his room by his door after having his eardrums blown out by his speakers. A local sophomore was found on the scene to be the only eyewitness.
“Well, he was always slamming his door every time he opened it, and he liked to play his music unnecessarily loud, so I’m not really surprised that it had to end this way,” he said. “Honestly, I would have gladly helped out.”
Our reporting staff caught up with Housing Director Jason Jakubowski as he was leaving his second job of tenderizing meat at Honeybaked Ham.
“Well, we’d been hearing all along about furniture being abused,” Jakubowski said. “so, I’m not going to say we didn’t see this coming, but come on… kid was a jackass.”
The Vanderbilt Student Furniture Association has been quick to come out saying that these incidents of violence do not reflect the furniture demographic as a whole.
“This just isn’t fair to highlight the recent rise of extremist and fundamentalist tablism,” VSFA president Sprintz Ikea said. “Not every piece of furniture is trying to rebel against their owners. The media and the press have drawn way too much attention to a very isolated event.”
The murderous door was spared capital punishment by axing or burning but still had its locks replaced against its will. The speaker system was confiscated by VUPD and will either be sold in a police auction or placed in the chief’s living room.
Funeral arrangements for the splintered student have been put on hold fearing that so many collapsible chairs in one area could incite violent, uncomfortable rioting.
Free Food: a McTyeire survival guide
With my sophomore year about ¾ of the way through and my editorship wrapping up fairly soon, I have to say I have learnt a lot. I have discovered that buying more underwear when you should really just do laundry is only hurting yourself, Easy Mac doesn’t have the actual word “cheese” in its name for a reason and most importantly, I have learned the fine art of food scavenging.
Last year, my meal plan was a glorious 28 meals a week. I’ll be the first to admit that as a freshman, I lived like a queen. Not only did I feed myself and supplement my upperclassmen friends’ diets off of this plan, but when I went home for the summer I brought a rather large bag of Easy Macs and Izze sodas with me. Foolish in my youth, I donated this food. As Cat Stevens said, I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger.
This year I am living in McTyeire. This decision has improved my Russian, gotten me really close with my Russian peers and half-starved me. McTyeire’s inflexible meal plan has caused me to take up an interesting life of conservation (always carry Tupperware, you don’t want to eat the second sweet potato now, but you will later), begging (making those favors from last year pay off) and scavenging. It is this last point that has really gotten me through those particularly meal-sparse weeks. Scavenging, or the art of free food, is one of the untapped secrets of this beautiful Acfee-indulgent campus.
Like a vulture to a dead-caribou carcass, a raccoon to a garbage can, or a leech to an artery, I attend a superfluous amount of free food events on campus, talk to alumni over dinner, schmooze to the chancellor over ice cream, or salsa over chips. Student organizations, the Admissions Office, the Office of Housing, the Engineering Departments—all have tons of events geared towards networking, looking fly and feeding me.
It’s funny how life works—two years into college and one year with an inadequate meal plan, and I have learned to scavenge well but not to cook any better. However, one very important lesson that I have learned: not that many people read this far down on my column, and of the few who do, most know me personally. Hey Mom!
How to Win the Dorm Energy Competition: Save and Sabotage
Most people can agree that saving the Earth is important. We can all relate to the rallying cry of “going green.” Breast Cancer Awareness has taken over the color pink, Livestrong has laid claim to the color yellow, and Gay Pride, in a joke shamelessly stolen from comedian Demetri Martin, has appropriated the entire color spectrum. For those people without breasts, Tour de France titles, or attraction towards the same sex, saving the environment and going green is a fantastic goal.
However, it’s easy to have these ideals and not act on them; just like it’s easy to slip on a “Save Darfur” T-shirt, receive compliments on your trendy style and never give it another thought. Actually changing our actions and taking personal responsibility for saving the Earth? Yeah, right.
Luckily, the Campus-wide Energy Competition provides an opportunity for dorms around Vanderbilt to go head-to-head and let out their competitive streak. Don’t frame this competition as a chance to “do our part to save the Earth.” Instead, get students riled up with cries of “Let’s beat those freshmen! Living on the Commons, who do they think they are? Those motherfuckers are going down!”
The possibilities for resolving rivalries are endless. What other chance is there for McGill and McTyeire to finally determine the best McDorm? Vandy Barnard can finally get revenge on the rest of us for being stuck with Nectar. And of course, Kissam desperately hopes for the day when it can prove itself to be worth something besides the punch line of all our jokes. Sorry Kissam, but you’ll never win this competition if homeless men and your residents’ overwhelming sense of despair keep using up your dorm’s energy.
So, to help all of you who are desperate for achievement and validation, here are some tips on saving energy and sabotaging the competition.
Saving Energy
1) Shower buddies!
This is the perfect solution for you, no matter your romantic situation. In a relationship? Spice it up. Have a crush? Impress him or her with your environmental awareness – then make your move. In the awkward friend zone? Just give up now, there’s no hope, and this actually won’t help at all. Looking for a casual hook-up? Here you go. In a fraternity? Than grab one of your brothers, jump in the shower, and figure out this whole sexual tension thing.
As long as you tell the other person how committed to the environment you are, they will suspect no ulterior motive. Unless they read The Slant.
2) Don’t shower
This is the flip side to showering with a buddy. It will save the environment even more … but will completely screw up your love life. Only for the strong-willed students who don’t want any romantic or sexual experiences. Or friends. Or people willing to be within ten feet of them, ever.
3) Cook outside
This one is simple: cook all your meals on a bonfire outside your dorm. The downsides to this idea are that it is incredibly time consuming, your food will taste terrible, and you might be arrested. On the other hand, you can enjoy the beauty of our campus while looking like a badass. Bonus points if you catch a squirrel!
4) Go for mood lighting 24/7
Keep the lights off or dimmed as much as possible. The mood lighting will either set the mood with your significant other or cause you to strain and damage your eyes. But hey, glasses are sexy, so it’s a win-win.
5) Sleep naked
Help your dorm save on air conditioning and sleep naked. If I need to explain how this may affect your love life, you must be a prospective student visiting during his or her junior year of high school. Hi, prospie! Hopefully we haven’t freaked out your parents too much. Come to Vanderbilt!
Sabotaging Others
1) Visit friends
Never plug in electronic devices in your dorm. Instead, wait to charge all your electronics until you are visiting friends in other dorms. Your friendships will be strengthened as you ruin their dorm’s chances in the competition. Some possible negative effects: they find out you’re using them for their dorm’s outlets, or even worse, you find out that none of your friends actually want to hang out with you. I don’t have any helpful advice for this situation.
2) Go on energy raids
This is the best idea ever. Get a bunch of dorm-mates together, dress up as ninjas, and select your target. VUPD will never notice a group of rampaging ninjas infiltrating Towers as long as you flash your Vandy IDs. Once you’re inside, go crazy and turn on all the lights, appliances, and running water you can find. This plan requires two things: a certain moral flexibility and nunchucks. You’ve gotta to have nunchucks.
In conclusion, I hope this article has helped you realize your potential to save some energy in your dorm, as well as how to take out the competition. It’s all about winning. The prize for this prestigious competition has got to be something amazing, and you don’t want to miss out. I don’t have a joke to end this article, so just remember what Captain Planet taught us, “The power is yours!” His less famous yet equally inspirational quote of “What the fuck is wrong with you, Fox News, just because it snowed in Nashville and has generally been quite cold this winter does not negate global warming! Did you guys not watch my fucking show when you were kids?” was pulled before that particular episode aired.
Towers RA Caught Kicking Puppies on West End
Well….not really. But we would like you to think so. You are probably only going to remember the headline anyway, so feel free to spread that rumor around. Only YOU can destroy someone’s reputation.
But, seriously, Vanderbilt Resident Advisors have been on a rampage recently. RAs have been breaking up parties and dishing out warnings like it’s their job. Upperclassmen have reported feeling 53% more annoyed by dorm rules and regulations over the past month, due, in part, to an upsurge in RA strictness. With finals approaching, RAs have become less tolerant of loud music, yelling, and “getting crunk with my boys,” as one fraternity member put it.
As winter grows steadily closer to Nashville, Vanderbilt students have found themselves getting lazier and less likely to leave their rooms on weekends to party; indeed, dorm room parties in November were up 13% over parties in October. Some students hoped that RAs would empathize with their dilemma, but to no avail. ”It’s just too flippin’ cold!” a Freshman at the Commons stated, “It’s ridiculous to ask us to leave our dorm rooms in this weather. This dress was not tailored to be worn in temperatures under fifty degrees!”
Students have even hypothesized that RAs are, in fact, a highly evolved, super-annoying race of human beings who are impervious to cold temperatures or heartfelt groveling. Students also say that RAs are trained to smell fear and have a sixth sense that detects lies. Although the Slant can neither confirm nor deny the validity of these rumors, these stories demonstrate the community of fear being created by campus RAs. When questioned about these rumors, a Towers RA exclaimed, “Wait, how did you get up here? This is the tenth floor!”
In conclusion, we at the Slant would like to emphasize that in no way are your RAs evil zombies who prey on fun and happiness. This is (probably) not true (although in Kissam, who knows?).
*All stats taken from a Hustler survey which discovered that 69% of all percentages are made up.
Vandy and Barnard make a porno
Recent reports have shown an inordinate amount of gossip concerning the usually forsaken dormitories of Vanderbilt and Barnard halls. While the office of Residential Education has pumped copious dollars into the funding of The Commons, the Kissam experience and the Highland parking garage, Vandy/Barnard has been overlooked by most if not all of the greater Vanderbilt community. Beleaguered with the lack of attention, the residents of these two jilted dorms have decided to create their own fundraising project to bankroll future programs. One key proponent of this initiative described to The Slant, “It’s pretty simple, actually. We’re going to make a porno movie. I mean, this would allow the student body in Engineering alone to generate enough revenue to build a ferris wheel out back.”
The cultured film’s working title is Dr. Strangelover, or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cock. The movie’s IMDB page summarizes the plot as follows:
It is the year 2009; economic holocaust has removed Vanderbilt University of all endowment and donation funding. With no money, fraternities have run dry of Natural Light, Hollywood Disco has gone out of business, and Quiznos has moved out of Towers West. Struggling to survive in this post apocalyptic world, Vanderbilt Student Government assembles in the war room of Barnard Hall. Meanwhile, a Vandy Van helmed by a rogue driver is carrying a payload of horny freshmen girls.
Roger Ebert derided the plot for being “seemingly ridiculous” and “overly ambitious,” but he also noted, “Where it lacks in creativity, it compensates for its deliciously sweaty co-ed lovemaking.” Through a loophole in student organization’s activity fee policy, this film’s budget is second only to the widely popular pornography Pirates which is world famous for having a million-dollar budget. One student who previewed the film in a focus group commented, “The post-production really brings out the sensuous allure of Vandy/Barnard. They made the showers seem erotically steamy, and the sex-scene in Nectar really shows the importance of organic foods as aphrodisiacs. They really bring new life to the process of bringing a freshman girl back to a shitty single room. By using their tricks, I’ve been able to spice up my sex life tenfold, and I didn’t even have to use rufinol this time!”
A female sophomore also noted, “I’ll never be able to look at a vending machine the same way again. Pork rinds? Genius. Vitamin water? Artistic beauty at its finest. I was really impressed by the cinematography in the laundry room scene. The rhythmic spinning of the dryer was well juxtaposed by the hypnotically spinning penises. It makes the scene from Bruno look juvenile and amateurish.”
Not all are excited about the film’s release. One of the starlets recently fought a lengthy court battle to try to obtain a larger share of the profits on the grounds that “[her] pearl necklace and Burberry scarf were thoroughly ruined by a bountiful shower of semen and vaginal discharge.” Her attorney stated, “My client, although not emotionally damaged by the shooting, expresses great disdain towards the director because, and I quote, “Daddy would be profoundly disappointed in me upon learning that I’d be asking for new clothes.”
Profits for the film’s distribution are expected to surpass previous great Vanderbilt fundraisers such as bootleg bubble tea, chocolate Oreo balls, football ticket sales and the entire surplus of the Medical Center’s bills. The Belcourt Theater will be showing a public screening of the film on Halloween to accompany The Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Room in a rare triple-feature. Alan Smithee, the director of the film, has informed The Slant that the movie will be available in Blu-Ray disc in the book store for the price of $14.99.
