Within the rubble of Port-au-Prince surprising facts about the “earthquake” have slowly emerged that the Haitian government doesn’t want the general public to know. However this reporter has managed to get the inside story on what really happened in Haiti on January 12th, 2010.
“It all started with the Indonesian Tsunami a few years back…. I mean it was so unfair, we had been starving right next to the United States, and then Indonesia had a stupid thunderstorm or something like that, and they got all the food and medical care they could handle,” reported one informant that wished to remain anonymous. Thus the Haitian government began to develop their own plan to get more aid from the developed countries of the world. The plan they developed ended up being quite devious, at first Haiti’s government planned to stage their own Tsunami, but those plans were spoiled when it was revealed that Tsunami’s do not exist in the western hemisphere. Soon another option emerged.
“Finally, we came up with the Earthquake Plan codenamed Operation “Stop Being Poor” It was really quite easy, we just got everyone to knock over their houses and start screaming “Earthquake! AHHH!!!” You’d be amazed how easy it is to knock down your house when it’s made of cardboard, mud, and poor housing standards,” explained the anonymous informant.
Thus far the plan seems to have worked rather well for the Haitian people; they have witnessed a truly unprecedented influx of aid. The developed world has responded with all the aid they can put forth. One U.S. official has explained the strategy thusly, “Really it’s so much easier giving all our aid to Haiti, it’s close, convenient, and everyone is really horrified by this earthquake. In fact we’ve just taken all the other aid and redirected it to Haiti. Who the fuck actually cares about the continent of Africa? We have Haiti to save!” The anonymous informant also confirmed the above influx of aid stating “You know it’s really great, I’ve gone from literal mud cakes to three course meals, plus I get some of the best medicine in the world. I’m thinking of getting some elective plastic surgery tomorrow…. All I got to do is slash my face blame it on the quake and everyone will leap to my aid! This is the best kind of universal health care in the world, the kind paid for by other people!
