Stardate: January 24th, 2011; 8:40 PM. I sit before you, the public, attempting to enjoy my southern fried chicken wrap from The Pub. Meager chicken influx. Poor wrapping job. Lukewarm fries. Depression rampant.
Everyone has numerous beefs with the school – hard tests, Kissam singles, Greek drama – but none are quite as infuriating as when dining goes wrong. Before I go out on a tear, let’s praise what we all share. I live in Towers West, so on a piss’s whim, I can have either Quiznos or CT West. Big ups for that one. I also have a kitchen to make my specialty, bacon and eggs, whenever I so desire. Thanks, Housing. Dining, though, you better be prepared for the wrath. Half a gallon of milk in the Towers East munchie costs as much as a gallon would out in the real world. I know that the $250 given to us is fake money, but it’s still part of my semi-annual budget.
As you can see in my picture, I am tolerating a Rand burger. The burgers are edible now that I know about the excellent Fire Sauce. It burns your mouth so good that the food’s flavor doesn’t really matter anymore.
Honestly, I don’t care so much about the quality of the food. Well, okay, Rand Brunch has gotten me very sick multiple times in the past, but now that I can make eggs on my own time, that’s no longer an issue.
The problem about lunch is that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU JERKS has it at 12:00 or 12:15 with me. As soon as my class lets out, I turn on my primal rage and I book it from Featheringill to Rand. You’d better get the hell out of my way, because I’m a man on a mission. Seconds lost in the footrace is minutes wasted standing in line. Rand real estate is of prime value as well. I’m gonna get that table, so, girls who decide to hold conversations at the foot of the stairwell, you best take your gab elsewhere, because chivalry is dead on arrival when quesadillas are at stake… or steak, delicious steak.
VSG wants to put food trucks on Frat Row to alleviate the Rand congestion. That’d be a great idea, except to be really effective, they’d need to be there all of the time in locations where people can go inside to eat. Contrary to what a tour guide will tell you, it’s cold most of the time at school, and at least in Rand we can waste time in line indoors.
Granted, the greatest unsolved mystery is what the hell goes on at The Pub. If any computer science majors can figure out the algorithm they use on picking what to make first, please email your answers to eic.theslant@gmail.com. I’ll buy you some Pub wings for the right answer just so that I won’t have to wait in that damn line anymore.
My number’s next now, bitch.
Lunch Rush is Super Serious Business
Missing Rand Dishes: A Sociological Survey
Recently, dining hall paraphernalia has been found strewn across campus in various non-dining hall locations. Students have reportedly been seen carrying cups, plates, and flatware from campus eateries with seemingly no intention of returning the items any time soon. I know, you’re probably thinking, “Oh, no! This is terrible!” But, is this really a matter of concern? I, as a Slant correspondent, have gone to the streets to see what the people have to say about the events that have transpired.
I was able to track down campus socialite, Regina George, who had this to say about the matter, “Well, it’s obviously not me. All I eat are Caltine Bars. I want to lose 3 lbs. It was probably Janice Ian. In fact, let me tell you something about Janice Ian. We were best friends in high school. I know right? It’s sooo embarrassing. I don’t even… whatever. So then senior year I started going out with my ex-boyfriend, Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle she’d be like, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ and I’d be like, ‘Uh, why are you so obsessed with me?’ So then for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, ‘Janice, I can’t invite you because I think you’re a lesbian.’ I mean, I couldn’t have a lesbian at my party! There were going to be girls there, in their bathing suits! I mean, right? She was a lesbian! So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her; it was so retarded. Then she dropped out of school ‘cause no one would talk to her and she came back in the fall for college and her hair was all cut off and she was totally weird and now I guess she’s on crack and stealing plates from the Commons dining hall.” Janice Ian was not available for comment.
To get a male’s perspective, Nashua New Hampshire’s 2003-2004 Cup Stacking Champion, Peter Danube, was also interviewed. “Nah, I stopped using the dining hall cups for practice; they aren’t nearly aerodynamic enough. See, I’m trying to make a comeback. When I broke my wrist during a foursquare tournament in ’07, they said I’d never take back the title. I’ll show everyone. Do you want to see my routine?” Obviously, I didn’t stay for his routine. I felt we needed one more opinion to spice up the mix, so I sought out an employee. That’s right, a Rand employee.
Disgruntled Rand Dining Hall worker, La’Cassidy Watkins, commented, “First of all, how did you get back ‘ere? You ain’t authorized! You’re with what? The slut? The Slant, what’s a Slant? A newspaper? Damn kids, comin’ up in ‘ere. Look baby, I don’t count every goddamn cup, fork, and spoon I wash; I don’t know how many go missin’. They don’t pay me nearly enough ta deal with this foolishness. This is a bunch of FOOL-ISH-NESS! I’m takin’ my smoke break; tell Darielle ta take ova for me.” Darielle held similar sentiments on the matter.
What can essentially be gathered from our compiled data is that while many students are involved, no one really knows who is responsible, nor do they seem to care. Surprise! Honestly, I believe we all fall short of grace and take a cup or two every now and then. I mean, if I’m not finished with my O.J., I’m taking it with me. Plus, I think the leaning tower of cups adds pizzazz to my room and is a definite conversation piece:
“Wow, that’s a lot of cups.”
“Yeah.”
“How many are there?”
“I don’t know. Want to count them with me?”
“Absolutely.”
So, for all of you Commodores that like to take things and leave them around campus or hoard them up in your dorm, it’s okay. And if anyone asks, you can just blame Janice Ian, because Regina says she’s a crack head lesbian.
Ketchup on Hot Dogs Now Arrestable Offense
America is a country with a great history of inventing flavors. From melting-pot cuisines like Asian fusion to the genre-bastard barbecue-chicken pizza, creating new food concepts has served America well. Recently published in a scientific journal, scholarly consensus has finalized that the hot dog is the greatest American culinary invention, as it “takes a bunch of absolute crap and makes it kind of edible.” As with everything American, the hot dog is completely customizable. However, Vanderbilt University Police Chief August Washington is making one thing clear: Don’t put ketchup on your hot dogs.
The following appeared on a VUPD announcement letter:
“If, for any reason, hot dogs are served by students or Vanderbilt Dining, ketchup is not to be applied in vicinity of the bun or frank. If witnessed in public, VUPD officers are hereby permitted to arrest guilty individuals. Students will have their meal confiscated, their frank honorably destroyed, and will be sent to mandatory flavor rehab after serving one night behind bars.
“It just sickens me as a man and as an American to see such horrible acts of cruelty be committed against such an upstanding piece of wiener,” Washington said. “I don’t want our students to commit such a faux pas out in the business world. Can you imagine losing a billion-dollar purchase because your client took offense to your mishandling of meat? It’s best to learn to be a better person today rather than be a fuck up tomorrow.”
Scientists have long studied the ill effects of tomato-based condiments on hot dogs, and the most commonly accepted school of thought originated in Chicago, which universally condemns the act. Chicago hot dog vendor and Professor Emeritus of Ballpark Biochemistry Geno Whadafuk penned the 1982 Treatise on Condiments which states, “Ey, whadaya doin’ wit dat ketchup there? You freakin’ twelve [years old] or sumthin? Getta tha back of tha line, ya jerk. Geezus Christ…”
While lawyers are currently arguing the effects of similar hamburger sanctions, students from the Windy City approve of VUPD’s new rules noting that ketchup-to-meat appliers are “freakin’ pussies, man. Pussies.”
Tips and tricks for stretching your meal plan to the max
1) Avoid the Munchie Marts.
- The 1 pre-packaged entrée and 2 pre-packaged sides that constitute a “meal” at the Munchies is not really much food. I’ve seen girls go to the Munchie and buy 3 bottles of water, which comes to a grand total of $3.75. Not very much, but then again, if you consider the amount of roll-over we get per un-swiped meal, then they are actually beating the system, even if only slightly. However, why not make the most out of your Vanderbilt dollar, (cuz you know the administration is)? Go to Rand or the Commons where 5 sides equals a meal and you can easily walk out of there with 5 bottles of water, probably more if you’re sneaky. Hey, it’s not a large difference, but at least you’re winning more, and that’s what matters most. And if you’re still a penchant for pre-packaged foods, you could snag more yogurts or Naked juices from the actual dining halls as well.
2) Be polite, courteous, and, most importantly, flirty.
- Smiling nicely and repeating “please” and “thank you” a bunch when the Rand and Commons workers are serving you your food will result in a more pleasant dining experience. Moreover, flirting with the right workers will get you larger scoops of mashed potatoes and perhaps even a second piece of salmon, which is all you really want anyway, right?
i. If you’re a guy, chat with the older ladies behind the counter – something as simple as asking them how their days are going – and they’ll think you’re a classy gentleman who could use a couple extra kernels of corn to get you through these trying exam times.
ii. If you’re a girl, wear a low-cut shirt and use what your momma gave you to your advantage. If you’re lucky enough to get served by a male dining employee, use your sexy voice when asking for the taco salad (which is not the same voice you use when trying to con your “daddy” into buying you something you don’t need) and lean against the counter very provocatively, making sure to let the ta-ta’s do most of the talking. You’ll get more bang for your buck, the server will get a nice surprise in the middle of his day, and all parties will leave happily. Think of it as working for your meals, but as less intrusive than being a stripper or a prostitute.
3) Spend ALL of your meal-money.
- Whatever remains on your card at the end of the semester magically disappears into Uncle Cornelius’ pre-lined pockets. Why not use your leftover meal money to your advantage? Think of all the Taste of Nashville restaurants where you can use the Vandy card. Now think of all those restaurants that sell gift cards. Are you connecting the dots with me yet? If you’re not one of brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree, let me lay it out simply for you: Swipe your gold card for a nice gift card at the end of the semester. For example, in May two years ago, I cashed out $75 from Chili’s and felt smugly genius when I turned to my friend and said, “This one’s on the Commodore.” Moreover, this bonus will come in handy in three ways, without any of the attached guilt that came with the multi-million dollar bonuses of the ENRON and AIG executives:
i. You get to spend more of your Monopoly money and need to spend less of your real money when you go home over winter and summer breaks. One less thing for which I have to pay is always a win in my book.
ii. Save up the cards and treat that special someone to a classy free dinner either back in the homelands or when you return to the Vandylands. Even though he or she may be sick of Chili’s or Friday’s, free food always tastes better than food with a monetary cost, an dif you’re lucky, you may receive a different sort of “repayment” later on that night.
iii. When you go home over the breaks, look like a baller and treat a bunch of your friends and/or family members to nice meal. In case you weren’t aware, Chili’s is part of a restaurant group that includes Macaroni Grill, On the Border Mexican Grill, and even Maggiano’s Little Italy, all of which accept that Chili’s gift card you just earned, so take advantage of that and diversify your dining.
1. For example, when I went with a few of my friends to Savannah, GA two summers ago, I happened to still be carrying that $75 Chili’s gift card I mentioned earlier. So after we rolled around on the beach all day, we rolled into Macaroni Grill in our bathing suits. Though we were forced to wait to be seated for a good 20 minutes even though the restaurant was 80% empty (receiving the stank eye from the waiters and being ignored by the hostess, which was probably because they didn’t take us seriously as paying customers), 10 of us were able to able to eat for nearly free, having to only pay $5 each for some delicious Italian food. I have a feeling that my single instance of ballerness over that vacation may have been a deciding factor in winning over the girlfriend I had after the trip ended. In addition, since dinner cost so little, we were able to afford more “liquid fun,” which made our last night on the coast just that much more interesting (as in the “climbing statues and taking inappropriate pictures with them” kind of interesting). So, be kind to other people, as you never know what it might get you in the end.
