Vanderbilt and Crime… and a Quilt

January 24, 2010 By

Crime, Vanderbilt, and Quilt’s: the Devil’s Ménage à Trois

Crime Alerts.  They are an unpleasant fact of life at Vanderbilt and a chilling reminder that the “Vanderbubble” isn’t some anti-reality force field, but an expression of how scared we are of life outside of Vanderbilt’s shady acres.  And who can blame us?  “Crime Alerts” let us know that there is depravity, poverty, and even, GASP!, crime in the real world.  Admittedly, while most of the “Alerts” consist of stories ranging from “such-and-such drunk girl thinks the earth groped her when she slipped on her own vomit and hit the ground” to “high dude in Mayfield thinks he maybe saw a shadowy figure doing something maybe”, there is the occasional actual crime.  One such crime happed to Brian Lesniak, (’12).

I had the chance to interview Mr. Lesniak, in hopes that not only would his crime be solved, but also that I could help prevent further crimes of a similar nature.

Me: Thanks for meeting me in this secret location, Mr. Lesniak.

Mr. Lesniak:  This is one of the booths in the Pub.  And why are you calling me             “Mr. Lesniak”?  We’ve known each other for over a year now.

Mr. Lesniak, went on to tell me, in vivid and gruesome detail how his 10 year-old quilt was stolen from the laundry room in Vandy-Barnard.  Through his tears he told me that it “didn’t really bother him that much” and “he doubted it would end up in a ‘Crime Alert’”.

While Mr. Lesniak was right in that his crime never ended up gracing our email inbox’s, I still felt compelled to get to the bottom of the mystery.  To aid me in my task I ended up going to the fairest, best equipped and most competent organization on campus; VUPD.  Side note: some British guy recently invented a quotation mark for sarcasm; I’m still trying to find it though…

The VUPD gets a bad reputation around Vanderbilt.  So what if the same cop that watches you shotgun twelve beers pulls you over the next day for a “dimming taillight”?  They do it to because they care about justice and our well-being.  So when I went to the VUPD to report this heinous crime, I was somewhat surprised when the told me to “go grow a dick so I could fuck myself” because I was “wasting their time with stupid bitch stuff”.

Shaken and disheartened, I prepared to head back to my dorm.  However, on my way there, I saw Mr. Lesniak, holding what appeared to be a large dryer sheet.

“Hey, my quilt was in the lost and found the whole time you don’t have to write that story anymore”.

With this latest crime solved, I think all of Vanderbilt can rest a little easier.  I know I will, especially with the knowledge I’m being protected by VUPD, an inordinate number of video cameras, and of course “Crime Alerts”.  Now, I’m off to go help a girl find the self-esteem she lost during spring rush!

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Underwear Bomber Causes Increased Security

January 24, 2010 By

This December, one man’s underwear captured the attention of the entire nation.  And it wasn’t George Clooney’s.

On Christmas Day, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Yemen tried to detonate an explosive device that was sewn into his underwear on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit.  “Tried” is the key word in that statement; the device failed to detonate properly and the man only succeeded in setting his pants on fire.  The fire was quickly extinguished and no damage to the plane occurred.

The bomber was quickly restrained and questioned of his motives.  He claimed that he had only wished to start the fire to roast marshmallows to sate his ravenous hunger during the long flight.  To this, one bystander yelled, “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”  Another passenger commented that it was the first time he had heard the word “fire-crotch” used not referencing a red-head.

American officials have drastically increased airport security as a result of the attempted attack.  The first major change in the security process is the addition of full body scanners to security checkpoints.  These scanners scan through a person’s clothes to show any unusual shapes which could be weapons of some kind.  However, some have argued that the these body scanners infringe on the privacy of individuals by displaying the contour of the person’s actual body.

“It has made some people uncomfortable,” states a representative for the Los Angeles Airport, “but that’s the cost of security, I guess.  The image of your naked body is helping keep America safe one scan at a time.  Shouldn’t it comfort you that a random guy gets to see what you look like without clothes on?”

Nevertheless, many government officials still feel like this step up in security will still not be enough.  On January 20, the Department of Homeland Security announced plans for a new law outlawing the use of underwear on domestic and international flights, stating that America “cannot let another individual threaten America’s security by having to choose between boxers or briefs or bombs.”

The new law has been embraced by many different social groups, including hippies, homeless/poor people, bros, guidos, and trashy celebrities nationwide.  Famous publicity-stuntist Lindsay Lohan was quoted as saying, “Finally!  It is now socially acceptable to go commando in public.  I will no longer be the only one!”


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VUPD Makes Good on “Escort Service”

November 15, 2009 By

On Saturday the Vanderbilt Police Department announced significant changes to the “VUPD Escort Service” which will take effect before the end of the semester. The service currently offers an escort to any student who may be nervous walking across campus alone late at night. However, the system has been revamped after so many students called in expecting to find a convenient way to pick up a hooker without leaving the vanderbubble.

John Watkins was the head of the VUPD committee charged with improving the escort service: “Well, at least once a week we would get a call from some lonely freshman misunderstanding what the escort service was really for, so finally we decided that, well, so many kids want this, so let’s give it to them!”

While the new system is expected to have a radical impact on campus, surprisingly little about the escort service will actually be different. The name will remain the same, Nick Zeppos will still secretly listen in on the calls from an underground bunker, and students who don’t want to spend the whole night alone will still call in looking for a companion.

The only real difference will be seen in a judicious use of airquotes when describing things like “Companion.” For example, under the committee’s recommendations, any student who calls the escort service will be greeted by a recorded message asking them to “Press one for the VUPD escort service, or press two for the VUPD “Escort,” service.”

To increase student awareness of the new utility, campus bluelights will be replaced with ever more sensuous redlights. When the system launches, long lines of lonely nerds are expected to form outside the new redlight boxes. To combat any potential embarrassment, administration officials will keep a bowl of free candy next to each redlight, so any bashful johns can nonchalantly tell passersby, “I’m just here for the candy.”

However, there has been some speculation as to whether or not VUPD will have the manpower, or should we say hooker-power, to meet the demands of the entire Vanderbilt pervert population.

Says Watkins, “Well, as of right now the system will operate in conjunction with various pimps in the Nashville area, but we will be accepting applications from any vandygirls who want to participate on the ‘supply’ side of our new project. If these ladies’ Halloween costumes are any indication, we should be fully self sufficient within a year.”

To ensure the safety of he ladies working for the new escort service, officials have also created the “VUPD Escort Service Escort Service,” where any call girls who don’t want to walk home alone from a job can call for a walking escort back to their own residence. To keep in the spirit of the program, all of these walking companions will wear brightly colored suits with feathered hats, carry shiny cups filled with liquor, and move with invented limps.

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