If you’ve walked around campus in the past few days, you’ve certainly heard the whispers and murmurs about Vanderbilt’s latest scandal. I’m here to settle the issue before it gets too far out of hand. It seems that The Commons, formerly regarded as the official site for freshman facilities and functions, was actually established in an attempt by the Vanderbilt staff to create a real-life social network.
According to an anonymous faculty member, Vanderbilt first concocted the idea after seeing the success of online social networks like Facebook and MySpace. Plans were already in motion to create a new home for freshmen of the future, so the staff decided to go all the way and create a community that would not only draw in students, but also keep them engrossed until forced out. The second part of that mission failed, however. A few years into the project, The Commons has failed to infiltrate the minds of its inhabitants, and many grow bored and jaded of the entire Commons by the end of their first semester here. The lack of interest by students directly translated into a lack of interest by potential investors, and with no foreseeable way to keep the project going, the truth was leaked.
The question that has been posed the most frequently since the news-bomb has been, “What are you talking about? This isn’t like a social-network site at all. You stupid or something?” To those asking this very question, I simply advise you to sit back and think for a moment. What’s the first thing you do when you sign up for MySpace or Facebook? You create a profile – not at all dissimilar to the plethora of introduction activities freshmen are put through in their dorms, classes, etc. What’s one of the key features of Facebook? Status updates. Sound anything like the weekly reports freshmen are required to give at VUCept meetings? You bet it does.
One anonymous staff contact told The Slant, “The reason we were upset over the claims that we were copying Harry Potter was that it was entirely in the wrong direction. Had people insulted us for copying Facebook or MySpace, we would have denied it, but would have been very excited at the same time. I mean, come on! How could we be a Harry Potter knockoff without a tree that beats people or various houses competing against each other for a celebratory cup? Those accusations were hurtful, and to be completely honest, rather disheartening as well.”
Meanwhile, the future of The Commons is foggy at best. Some have speculated that it may be sold to Google, so that the company can start its own social network and, without even trying, make it successful with two megadorms to be built in Kissam with slightly smaller rooms for the freshmen. Another rumor is that the newer dorms of The Commons will be turned into classrooms, and an extra bed will be added to each room in the older dorms. Our contact said that some staffers are trying to keep the entire thing functional. He reports that herding the freshmen around is generally viewed as “Like Farmville, but without the Carpal Tunnel [Syndrome].” This seems to be the least likely approach, however, as keeping The Commons running would be ridiculously expensive and extremely disproportionate in cost when compared to the rest of campus.
Whatever happens, you can bet that The Slant will be right here to bring you the updates. Make sure to check out the next issue, in which we explore the growing rumor that the new “Vanderbilt Single Sign-On” site is an attempt to create a campus-wide dating network.

After much consideration and input on behalf of the student body Vanderbilt University has finally decided to transform the unused space of the Commons 3^rd floor into a bowling alley. Earlier this week Chancellor Zeppos announced the decision. Some of the possibilities for the space had included an arcade, a second pub, and an NRA certified shooting range. With the arcade being deemed too childish, and the second pub pointless because freshman never drink, it came down between the gun range and bowling alley. While the NRA range was a close second, the Chancellor felt that adding additional armed students might increase the number of crime report emails students receive. Seeing as no one likes those emails, the gun range was voted down. When the student body was asked what they thought about the new addition to the Vanderbilt Campus results were mixed.

One freshman girl was quoted saying that, “the Commons is one step closer to becoming a resort, all we need is a spa!”

A super-senior was reported saying, “Great! One more thing that freshman will get to use that I won’t!”

While the student body seems to be split on the recent decision, it is clear bowling is going to come back with a vengeance around Vandy. Chancellor Zeppos declined to be interviewed, however, one can only imagine the thought process behind such a monumental decision. It may be due to the fact that the Vanderbilt women’s bowling team won a national championship only 2 years ago, or the fact that the state of the Nashville’s bowling scene is in serious decline. Many of Nashville’s more prominent bowlers think that this may be the shot in the arm that the city needs to regain its once prominent status as a bowling mecca.

Like beer pong, frat parties, pre-gaming, tailing gating, and winning at football, bowling is surely soon to be a Vandy tradition.