Slant Gift-O-Scopes

December 4, 2010 By

Do you smell that, Vanderbilt? That’s the smell of cheer and goodwill with a hint of peppermint. You know what that means: everyone’s favorite December holiday is right around the corner – Exam Week! Nothing says joy quite like review sheets and flashcards.
However, throughout the endless festivities of Exam Week, a dark shadow looms on the horizon – Christmas shopping.
Christmas is a time of giving and receiving, of reindeer and elves, and of milk and cookies, but most of all Christmas is the time of year to empty your wallets and spend money on the people you love.
Buying Christmas presents can be a stressful time for most people due to the endless stream of stores, sales, and shopping mall Santas. That’s why we here at The Slant would like to provide you, the reader, with a pre-made shopping list for all of your Vanderbuddies’s Christmas needs. Let’s get on with it, shall we?

Engineers: Hugs
- As I can tell you from first-hand experience, the one thing engineers need more than anything (other than sunlight) is human contact. So this holiday season, bestow upon your favorite purveyor of processes and powertrains a hug and ignore the awkward squirming. That’s just our way of saying hello.

Women’s and Gender Studies Majors: A loaf of
bread, a package of thin sliced turkey lunch
meat, a package of Swiss cheese, a head of let
tuce, and a jar of mayonnaise
- I’m sure they could figure out something to do with this stuff.

Film Studies Majors: 3D Glasses
- It’s only a matter of time before Citizen Kane is rereleased in 3D, so you might as well get ahead of the curve and snag a pair of these for your tweed-jacket wearing comrades.

English Majors: Money
- They’re going to need it after they graduate. Sitting around in various coffee shops working on your first novel isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Plus, those Toffee Mocha Frapuccinos are expensive!
Foreign Language Majors/International
Students: Subtitles
- Let’s be honest: this would be more of a gift for everyone else.

Pre-Med Students: False Hope
- “Don’t worry! It only gets easier after you get into med school! Haven’t you ever seen Scrubs?”

Fraternity Members: Brokeback Mountain on
DVD
- This movie will teach them the true meaning of the word ‘bromance.’ After watching it once, they’ll wish they knew how to quit this movie too.

Philosophy Majors: Total Consciousness
- So they’ll have that goin’ for them, which is nice.

HOD/Education Majors: Respect
- I bet you thought I was going to say crayons. No, these guys and gals deserve a little respect. I mean, like, Peabody is, like, the top school in the country in its field. And that’s, like, really impressive and stuff. Plus, they write lots of papers which is, like, totally stressful.
But they aren’t opposed to use crayons as stocking stuffers, in case you were wondering.

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Underwear Bomber Causes Increased Security

January 24, 2010 By

This December, one man’s underwear captured the attention of the entire nation.  And it wasn’t George Clooney’s.

On Christmas Day, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Yemen tried to detonate an explosive device that was sewn into his underwear on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit.  “Tried” is the key word in that statement; the device failed to detonate properly and the man only succeeded in setting his pants on fire.  The fire was quickly extinguished and no damage to the plane occurred.

The bomber was quickly restrained and questioned of his motives.  He claimed that he had only wished to start the fire to roast marshmallows to sate his ravenous hunger during the long flight.  To this, one bystander yelled, “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”  Another passenger commented that it was the first time he had heard the word “fire-crotch” used not referencing a red-head.

American officials have drastically increased airport security as a result of the attempted attack.  The first major change in the security process is the addition of full body scanners to security checkpoints.  These scanners scan through a person’s clothes to show any unusual shapes which could be weapons of some kind.  However, some have argued that the these body scanners infringe on the privacy of individuals by displaying the contour of the person’s actual body.

“It has made some people uncomfortable,” states a representative for the Los Angeles Airport, “but that’s the cost of security, I guess.  The image of your naked body is helping keep America safe one scan at a time.  Shouldn’t it comfort you that a random guy gets to see what you look like without clothes on?”

Nevertheless, many government officials still feel like this step up in security will still not be enough.  On January 20, the Department of Homeland Security announced plans for a new law outlawing the use of underwear on domestic and international flights, stating that America “cannot let another individual threaten America’s security by having to choose between boxers or briefs or bombs.”

The new law has been embraced by many different social groups, including hippies, homeless/poor people, bros, guidos, and trashy celebrities nationwide.  Famous publicity-stuntist Lindsay Lohan was quoted as saying, “Finally!  It is now socially acceptable to go commando in public.  I will no longer be the only one!”


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