It’s that time of year for many freshmen: the awkward roommate breakup. He’s not a bad guy. He’s quiet, but not too quiet. Never brings his friends over and hasn’t sexiled you once. Always goes to the library to study, so you can blast music all you like. You’d just…rather not live with him anymore. That’s cool, right?
Wrong. People, especially unstable freshmen, take their roommate relationship very seriously. If you’re not a massive asshole, he probably thinks you can walk on water. He’ll never want to leave you, and if you just tell him that you want to live with someone else, he’ll most likely spiral into a depression that can only end in transfer, or worse- Kissam. God help you if you tell him you’re applying for a Mayfield without him; he might just decide that if he has to go, he might as well take all ten of you bastards with him. You’ve got to tread carefully here, because the slightest social faux pas could end in disaster.
It’s not enough to kindly explain to him that you want to live away from him next year; you have to convince him that he doesn’t want to live with you. You need to be a douchebag. If you’re pledging, no worries. Just do what comes naturally. For all you independents, this is probably the only instance in college where it’s smart to act like a frat guy. Bring drunk people to your room all the time. Bonus points if they’re so belligerent they break your roommate’s stuff. Party hard every night you can, and don’t keep the music below slight nausea-inducing levels. Your grades may slip, sure. But always remember: you’re doing this for him. It’s your moral obligation to party. Remember the Vandy motto: rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light.
How to deal with a roommate dump:
What happened? You thought you had something great. He was always so caring and considerate. It wasn’t like everybody else’s roommate relationship; you two were special. Whenever you took out the trash, he THANKED you. No one had ever done that before; you knew right then that you two were meant to last.
But then he went and ruined it all. He might be cavorting with those hippies down at McGill, or he might be looking for a swingin’ party double in Branscomb. The point is he left you without ever looking back. So what are you supposed to do, just bend over and take it quietly? No, he’ll know what you feel, if it’s the last thing you do. Sit him down one Sunday morning when he’s probably hungover and give him the speech of his life. Tell him exactly what it means to be as depressed as a biomedical engineer. Most of all, let him know how you feel about being abandoned. But remember to end each sentence with “no homo.” If you don’t, you’ll look gayer than the Steelers’ defense.
