Greg Mortenson’s New York Times bestselling book Three Cups of Tea has been coming under fire from the media since an April 17th episode of 60 Minutes revealed that many facts from the book might be false. Mortenson’s foundation, the Central Asia Institute, may have been misrepresenting facts, including the possibility that the CAI lied about schools that it built. In addition, many of Mortenson’s anecdotes from the story may have been falsified. I would like to say that this slander is a gross misinterpretation, an anti-American fraud and a dishonor to the hard work Greg Mortenson has done for Pakistan and Afghanistan.
For one, the CAI organization currently supports 170 schools in rural Pakistan and Afghanistan for over 58,000 students. I would like to see how little Fatima Batool and her friends react when you tell them their education has been a lie!
Second, to question the character of such an American hero as Dr. Mortensen is absolutely absurd. Born to a Kenyan father and white mother in Hawaii, Mortenson had a tough time growing up. Spending his youth selling newspapers and working odd jobs to support his 6 little siblings, he spent his free time reading everything he could get his hands on. Then in 1967, he was drafted into the armed forces, and served in the Vietnam War where he was shot down over Hanoi and held prisoner by the Vietnamese until ’73. To deny the past of this man who suffered so much fighting for our freedom is simply unpatriotic.
The rest of his disputed anecdotes from Three Cups of Tea are easily verified in fact, and any attempts to debase them are purely the machinations of jealous detractors. From the very first chapter, the dinosaur fossils he discovers are most definitely real; the partial dimetrodon skeleton he describes is now on display in the Pakistan Museum of Natural History. 60 Minutes also suggested that Mortenson did not survive a 2-year battle with leukemia, whereas The Slant has uncovered medical records of his treatment in a rural clinic in Pakistani Kashmir. Replacement of many of his bones with cybernetic parts was largely successful and Mortenson retains full function of his limbs to this day.
Dr. Mortenson received his PhD during his time spent in the Middle East as well, from the Kabul Medical University in Afghanistan. He went on to develop a vaccine for polio, which is widely distributed within the United States, saving millions of children from debilitating illness every year. The Soviet Union also accepted him as their volunteer for the world’s first manned space flight, whose 50-year anniversary took place recently. Opponents of his story even challenge his valiant defense at the battle of Helms Deep, claiming he wasn’t even present to defend the fortress from the horde of 10,000 invading orcs.
Other supposed inaccuracies include challenges to Mortenson’s claims that Snape killed Voldemort, that Freddy Mercury had AIDS, and that rainbows are caused by light refracting through rain drops in the sky.
60 Minutes did a gross disservice to world philanthropy by making the terrible accusations that the above facts are not true. Universities need not be ashamed that they had their students read such a touching piece of literature, and readers should not feel tricked in any way. Greg Mortenson’s Three Cups of Tea is a story based entirely in fact which will warm your heart, and at the very least you can rest assured that each copy sold has funded the building of a house for Libyan refugees and/or Japanese earthquake victims.
Greg Mortenson’s Three Cups of Tea Absolutely Infallible
Library Renovations Spur Students not to Read Books
New to campus this semester is Central Library’s Cafe, the capstone to the six-million dollar renovations that will revolutionize the Library’s role in students’ lives and draw them closer to the intellectual heart of the University.
Before the renovations began nearly a year ago, students were forced into cramped, dull, cave-like spaces where they would learn nothing. But now, students will enjoy the Library’s modern, open spaces and natural light while they learn nothing and dick around on Facebook.
The yet-unnamed Cafe will attract students to collaborate and share ideas over lunch, unwind with friends on the outdoor patio for dinner, or study into the small hours over a cappucino and panini.
This time last year, students would have to hole up in their dorm rooms and Google frantically for an article for their paper in history of philosophy of African American Art in the WGS department–now, students will half-ass a paper, Googling frantically and searching JSTOR abstracts on their laptops plugged into any of the 584 new power outlets in the Library and Cafe.
The renovations are not expected to promote students’ usage of books, or curious, independent learning, or use of past scholarship to bravely seek out new knowledge. The closest students are expected to come to grasping new knowledge is clutching bookshelves while having sex in the labyrinthine, dead quiet, creepily empty third-floor basement stacks.
Planners hoped that the new areas would revitalize even the Library’s dustiest corners, or maybe just give you a good feeling while you learn facts you plan to forget later the same night, ingest information as meaningless syllables by rote, add nothing to the corpus of human science and understanding, and forsake remedying cruelty and ignorance in the world for playing Angry Birds on the can.
Mitt Romney’s New Book “No Apologies” Sends Bad Message To America’s Youth
Mitt Romney, the former Governor of Massachusetts and current most famous Mormon in the world has gotten some heat over his new book’s controversial message regarding apologies.
Despite debuting at the top of the New York Time’s Best Seller list, many parents groups have spoken out against No Apologies, which they say will undo centuries of progress towards getting their kids to say “I’m Sorry.”
Parental group PFAC (Parents for Apologetic Children) says that Romney’s anti-sorry stance goes against every lesson about manners that children are taught. PFAC spokeswoman Jane McGinty had this to say “How can I tell my son Jeremy to say sorry to his sister, when his idol Mitt Romney is telling him to never apologize?”
According to sources close to the politician, Romney rarely if ever apologizes during his day-to-day life. One aide who wished to remain anonymous: “He never admits it when he does something wrong, he doesn’t excuse himself when he burps or [passes gas] last week he almost hit me with his car and he didn’t even flinch.”
According to Romney’s wife of 41 years, Ann Romney, this lack of any remorse has been a constant throughout Mitt’s entire life. Ann recalls “Back when we first got married, Mitt wouldn’t even leave a note when he finished the carton of milk, ahh those were the years… those angry, hate filled years.”
Keeping with the theme of his work Romney had no apology for his critics, saying simply “If you don’t like this book then you can cry me a river, build me a bridge, and suck it [gestures towards his own crotch].”
In an unexpected turn of events Romney’s book has also had a significant impact on board games sales. The Parker Brothers toy company reports that sales of its flagship game “Sorry!” have plummeted since Romney’s book appeared on shelves.
Holden Caulfield Gears Up for Movie, Merchandising
This past Wednesday American Literature lost one of its greatest authors when JD Salinger passed away at the age of 91. A notorious recluse, Salinger lived the last 30 years of his life without publishing a single work or giving any interviews and consistently refused to allow his work to be made into film. The loss of Salinger will be mourned by all those who knew him, though here is at least one person who sees the silver lining of this tragedy.
With Salinger’s passing the rights to his work will now pass to one Holden Caulfield who says that he now plans to, “Start making some real money off of this shit. Books are nice and artistically stimulating and all, but the big bucks are in movies and merchandising. So thats exactly where we’re heading.”
Holden Caulfield, the subject of Salinger’s 1951 biography The Catcher in the Rye is excited to finally have the rights to his own life story back. Caulfield of course signed over these rights to Salinger, not anticipating the success of Catcher and has spent the last 60 years envious of Salinger’s fame and fortune. Said Caulfield;
“Sure here’s this guy and all he did was write down my story, so he gets to be a big world renowned author. But me, the guy that actually did all that stuff, I’m flat broke ’cause I could never hold down a job, what with my compulsive lying and my alcoholism!”
Caulfield, who was an angsty 23 year old when he first met Salinger, is now the angstiest 83 year old on the planet. Sources confirm that he has in fact never held down a job nor has he formed meaningful relationships with anyone besides his sister Pheobe since 1951.
When asked why he ever signed away the rights to his story, Caulfield responded that, “I met this guy [Salinger] at a party back in 1950. We talk a little bit and he says he could make my story famous, and asks me to sign over the rights. I thought he was fucking crazy, so I did it to get him to shut up. Ten months later, any phony that wants to can buy my biography in a bookstore, and I haven’t seen a single cent!”
But things are about to change for Holden and the entire Caulfield family, who have begun to use these rights to their fullest advantage. Holden’s brother DB has already begun work on a screenplay, which will be his first non-pornography related work since 1967. Little sister Phoebe plans to head up the merchandising division of the family, and has already created prototypes of a Holden Caulfield pull-string doll which will come preloaded with 20 malaise ridden phrases.
There has even been talk of a possible theme park, clothing line and perhaps even a TV deal. The Caulfields have reportedly entered talks with VH1 concerning a reality show which will either be called “Catchers of Love,” or “Rye Love New York.” There are also rumors of a a melancholy singing competition called “American Rye-dol.” DB spoke to these rumors by simply stating, “Listen, we’ve gone the last 60 years without making a cent off of this story, we’re just trying to make up for lost time.”
Whatever happens, it is clear that the passing of Salinger will eventually lead to the unabashed commercialization of his work, which is just what Holden Caulfield always wanted.
